He did help us find our second apartment in Paris—not an easy task. The dollar was losing muscle against the franc, which we’d been silly not to anticipate. We’d lived so cheaply before; we thought we’d go on this way, with three mouths to feed instead of two—but rents had skyrocketed. When we finally did find something that would do, it was three times what we’d paid at Cardinal Lemoine. But we had to pay it. We handed over the first month’s rent with a gulp, parked Bumby’s pram in the yard next to the coal pile, and called it home.
This was the sawmill apartment, on the rue Notre-Dame-des-Champs, the “Carpenter’s Loft” as some of our friends soon took to calling it. The noise and dust from the lumberyard below were too much to take at times, but it was much better situated than our rooms above the dance hall. It was very near Gertrude and Alice’s apartment and the Luxembourg Gardens, and was also a stone’s throw from the Boulevard Montparnasse and many of the best cafés.
Although Ernest had once felt disgust for writers working in cafés, saying they were phonies only wanting to be conspicuous, he began to frequent them himself now. Part of it was practical. He needed peace and quiet and Bumby, who had begun to teethe, was often fussy. But once he started to work at the Closerie des Lilas routinely, he was surprised to find he preferred it to working alone in his room, sweating it out in silence, as he used to say. It was warmer and more pleasant, too. Friends could find him if they wanted, and there was always someone exciting to talk to or drink with when the writing day was done.
Sometimes he talked about starting another novel, but hadn’t yet hit on the right idea. More and more he understood that the draft lost in the valise with the other manuscripts wasn’t the right novel either, no matter how much he’d slaved over it and wanted it to be. Still, he was skittish about committing to anything so large and time-consuming again. He would wait, and in the meantime he would write stories. “One story,” he said, “for everything I know. Really know, in my bones and in my gut.”
When he said this I wondered what it was I really knew in the way he meant, and could only answer with Ernest and Bumby, our life together. It was a shamefully outdated idea, I knew, and if I’d confessed it to any woman in any café in Montparnasse, I would have been laughed out onto the street. I was supposed to have my own ideas and ambitions and be incredibly hungry for experience and newness of every variety. But I wasn’t hungry; I was content.
It wasn’t just purpose that had come along to fill me. My days were richer and made more sense. Bumby was a beauty, and when we walked every day, twice a day, we were often stopped and chatted up by his admirers. My French was as halting as ever, but a happy baby is the perfect impetus for even primarily one-sided conversations. His cooing garnered us many a gift apple or pear at the market, and even when I brought him to the cafés to meet Ernest for an occasional meal, Bumby won everyone over. Some of our friends might have been at a loss, but strangers were invariably charmed.
The Pounds were off to Rapallo as usual that spring, but even from that distance, Ezra managed to get Ernest a job with Ford Madox Ford, as a deputy editor for the Transatlantic Review. Ford had a dark and cramped office on the Quai d’Anjou, and it was there Ernest headed in early February in his worn shoes and shabby jacket, with a chip on his shoulder. There was no money to be had, but he wanted the editing experience and the connections. He couldn’t let Ford know that, though, because he couldn’t stand not to have the upper hand, most particularly when the upper hand would have been impossible to get. Ford’s novel The Good Soldier had received some very nice attention. He’d written other novels as well and had published Yeats, Thomas Hardy, Joseph Conrad, and others in a magazine he’d founded earlier, called the English Review. All of this was bad enough, but Ford was also a gentleman with money and a pedigree, a combination Ernest never had any patience for. He came home from the meeting muttering about how Ford’s tastes were slanted so far backward the man was about to fall over on his ass.
“So he’s not modern. Why should everyone be? I’m not.”
“No, you’re not modern, little cat. But you’re very beautiful and good, and a bang-up mother besides. This fellow Ford is too full of his own good opinion, and he wheezes when he talks. It’s so bad you’d think every last word has to swim through his lungs to reach his mouth.”
“Good gracious, Tiny. Please tell me you took the job anyhow.”
“Of course I did.” He smiled broadly and wickedly, reaching over to tweak one of Bumby’s feet. “Do you think I’m crazy?”
When I met Ford I was inclined to like him, even after all Ernest had said. He and his lover, the painter Stella Bowen, had us over to lunch, and I was delighted to find they had a baby, too, a darling little girl named Julie, about the same age as Bumby. I hadn’t brought Bumby out of politeness for our hosts, but I told Stella I would the next time. She was warm in her encouragement about this, and about everything—feeding us a beautiful four-course lunch and engaging me graciously with her charming Australian accent. Ford was ruddy and plump, with wispy blond hair and a mustache. I did wonder at first how Ford, well into middle age, was able to woo such a lovely woman as Stella, but he soon revealed perfect manners and spoke with an appealing conviction for everything he cared about, including Stella, good wine, creamy soup, and literature. All through lunch, he emphasized how important it was for him to help young writers like Ernest find their way. I knew Ernest would rather not need Ford’s or anyone’s help, but the truth was, he did.
“I can bring a lot to this magazine,” Ernest said when we’d said our good-byes and were headed home. “He should be grateful to have me.”
“I liked him.”
“Of course you did.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing.” He came upon a loose stone and kicked it into the street. “Don’t you think he looks like a walrus?”
“A little,” I admitted.
“And the wheezing?”
“That’s fairly serious, isn’t it? Stella said he got it in a gas attack in the war.”
“I could forgive him that, then, if he wasn’t so superior.”
“You don’t have to love him. Just do the work.”
“There’s plenty of work to do. That’s lucky, I suppose.”
“So much is lucky, Tatie. You’ll see.”
Ford and Stella took to having literary teas on Thursdays at the Quai d’Anjou. I often went for the company and took Bumby, too, parking his pram in whatever sun was coming in through the windows. It was at one of these teas I first met Harold Loeb. Harold seemed to be about Ernest’s age and was very good-looking—tall, with a sharp, straight nose and strong chin and towering waves of dark hair. As soon as Ford introduced us, we began talking easily about the States.
“I don’t miss home exactly,” he said. “But I can’t seem to stop dreaming about it. I wonder why that is.”
“It’s part of you, I guess,” I said. “It’s locked in, isn’t it?”
“That’s nicely put,” he said, and peered down at me with clear and intense blue eyes. “Are you a writer, too, then?”
“Not hardly.” I laughed. “Though I don’t think I’d be half bad at it. I’ve always loved books and felt they spoke to me. I’ve played piano since I was a girl, but not seriously.”
“I’m not sure I write seriously,” Harold said. “I try very hard to be funny, actually.”
“I should think you’d be very funny if you put your mind to it.”
“That’s swell of you to say. Here, come tell Kitty. She thinks all my jokes are a bust.”
We crossed the room together to meet his girlfriend, Kitty Cannell, who was truly beautiful, slim and graceful and golden all over.
“Kitty used to be a professional dancer,” he said. “If she moves to get more wine, you’ll see it instantly.”
“Oh, Harold,” she said. “Please don’t try to be charming.”
“See, Hadley. I have to be very dour around Kitty or she gets impatient with
me.” He pulled a face and Kitty laughed, showing her nice teeth. “And sometimes,” Harold went on, “she surprises me utterly, the dear girl.”
“It’s why you keep me around.”
“That and your ankles, sweetheart.”
By the end of the afternoon I was quite taken by Harold and Kitty both, and happily accepted when they invited Ernest and me to dinner the next evening, at the Nègre de Toulouse.
“It’s a wonderfully secret local place,” Kitty said. “You won’t find it in the guidebooks.”
“I swear not to breathe a word of it,” I said, and then began to wonder what on earth I could wear. I was still at a loss the next evening when it was time to leave for the restaurant. It had been five months since I’d had Bumby. My maternity clothes swam on me now, but I couldn’t yet squeeze into anything from before.
“No one really cares,” Ernest said. “You could go in sackcloth and still charm everyone.”
“I could not. You might not give a whit about clothes.” I gestured at his patched jacket and sweatshirt, the uniform he wore day and night, without any regard to fashion or even decorum. “But people generally do take care and want to make a good impression.”
“You’ve already made one, obviously. But if you like, I’ll tell them I’ve listened too carefully to Gertrude, who’s always said to buy pictures instead of clothes.”
“She does say that, but we don’t buy pictures, do we?” I frowned at myself in the mirror.
“Don’t fret, Tatie,” Ernest said, coming behind me to plant a kiss on the back of my neck. “No one’s as lovely and straight and simple as you.”
I met his eyes in the mirror. “You’re awfully sweet, aren’t you?”
He kissed me again and then pushed me firmly out the door.
In the end the restaurant was so dimly lit, I found I wasn’t self-conscious after the first bottle of wine. While the men talked of Princeton, where Harold had gone to school, and scratch starts at first novels (Harold was working on his just then), Kitty and I had a surprisingly intimate conversation about her first marriage, to Skipwith Cannell, a poet who’d apparently made her miserable, then refused to divorce her.
“How terrible for you. How will you marry again?”
“I’d never marry again, dear. Thank goodness Harold and I are in agreement about that much. But I’d rather not be chained to Skip forever. It was hard enough to bear when he was nearby. Now he clinks and clanks and bedevils me all the way from London.”
“It’s freedom you want, then.”
“Good God, yes. Don’t you?”
“I don’t know. I want to be happy I suppose.”
“Happiness is so awfully complicated, but freedom isn’t. You’re either tied down or you’re not.”
“Blaming marriage doesn’t solve it. As soon as you love someone, you’re bound up with them. It’s unavoidable—unless you swear off love.”
“Even I’m not that hard-nosed.” She laughed and raised her glass. “To love, then.”
Harold turned to us with a quizzical look. “What’s going on here?”
“Hadley’s turning me into a romantic,” Kitty said.
Harold chuckled. “Fat chance, sweetheart, but it’s a very nice idea.”
“Only one romantic per table,” Ernest piped in. “There’s a sign at the door.”
After a vast dinner, they came back with us to the sawmill apartment for a nightcap, and though they pretended to be gracious about how dark and tunnel-like our apartment was, I could see they were unaccustomed to common living. The baby was asleep in the next room, so we crowded around the kitchen table.
“I figure I’ll be done with this novel within a month,” Harold said, “and then I’m going for broke. I want an American publisher, an advance, and a slew of good notices.”
“You forgot dancing girls,” Ernest said, smirking.
“They’ll be in the contract,” Harold said. “Seriously, though, I’m shooting for Boni and Liveright. Ford says they’re the operation to watch in New York.”
“They publish Sherwood Anderson,” Ernest said. “They’ve treated him well, and he says they’re committed to contemporary American writers.”
“That’s me,” Harold said. “You, too.”
“You should send your stories, Tatie. Sherwood would put in a word for you,” I said.
“Maybe,” Ernest said. “I’ve thought about it.”
“Now that’s settled,” Kitty said, “please let’s talk about something interesting.”
“Like hats, Kitty dear?” Harold said.
“Maybe.” She turned to me. “I’d love to take you shopping. You could be my pet project.”
“Oh, brother,” Ernest said.
“What? Everyone likes nice things,” Kitty said. “I promise not to drape her in pearls or meringue.”
“I’d love to go,” I said. “Let’s set a date soon.” But after they’d gone, I saw it was a mistake to have accepted Kitty’s offer.
“She only wants to humiliate you, don’t you see?” Ernest said.
“She’s trying to be nice. I won’t take any charity, if that’s what’s worrying you.”
“It’s not that. She wants to lure you in and make you think you’re being treated badly.”
“I’d never think that.”
“Just wait. If she keeps whispering in your ear, you’ll begin to hate me for how shabbily we live.”
“You’re being awfully extreme, Tatie. We’re talking about shopping, for heaven’s sake.”
“No, we’re not,” he said grimly, and went off to pour himself a drink.
TWENTY-EIGHT
hile Bumby napped at home under the care of Marie Cocotte, who’d been enthusiastic about returning to work for us, even with the additional nanny duties, I took to meeting Kitty once a week. We’d have tea somewhere or pop into antique stores when she had time. I loved to look at the jewelry, particularly the cloisonné earrings that were popular just then, and though Ernest and I had no money to spare for such indulgences, I enjoyed watching Kitty move through the shops and hearing her appreciative remarks. She had an eye and seemed to know, instinctively, what would hold its value and what was lovely but temporary. Sometimes she tried to press a gift on me, and I would feel pangs about declining. She really was just being nice, but Ernest had his pride, and I didn’t want to risk stirring anything up.
Try as I might to convince Ernest of Kitty’s virtues, he was intent on disliking her. She was too decorative, he said, and bent on her own comfort, but I wondered if he was actually threatened by her independence. She had a job as a fashion and dance correspondent for several magazines in the States, and though Harold paid for her charming apartment on the rue de Monttessuy, it was because he insisted on their having separate living quarters, and he was dripping with family money on both sides. Kitty had inherited money, too, and could have supported herself. She was also incredibly confident, with a way of moving and talking that communicated that she didn’t need anyone to tell her she was beautiful or worthwhile. She knew it for herself, and that kind of self-possession unsettled Ernest.
I fought for my afternoons with Kitty, even though this created tension at home, because it was the first time since St. Louis that I’d gained a friend who was exclusively mine. Gertrude and Sylvia had always belonged to Ernest. He was unapologetically territorial about them. With Alice and Maggie Strater and even Shakespear, I couldn’t quite seem to move beyond the realm of artist’s wife. Kitty was connected to Harold, whom Ernest now saw often, but she also very much had her own life. And she had sought me out.
“You’re a very American girl, aren’t you?” she had said on one of our first outings.
“What? You’re American, too,” I said.
“Not like you. It’s in everything you say, how direct and simple you are.”
“Egads,” I said. “You’re just finding a polite way to notice how I don’t fit here in Paris.”
“You don’t,” she said. “But that?
??s good. We need your sort around to tell us the truth about ourselves.”
Besides Ernest’s grumbling, the only difficulty in my friendship with Kitty was the way she continued to offer me gifts, even after I tried, at length, to explain the complexities of Ernest’s pride.
“It’s just a trifle,” she pressed. “Why would he mind?”
“He simply would. I’m sorry.”
“It sounds like caveman stuff to me. If he keeps you in animal skins, tending the cook fire, no other man will see you, let alone want you.”
“It’s nothing so brutish as all that. We have to economize. It’s not such a great sacrifice.”
“All right, I understand. But that’s my beef with marriage. You suffer for his career. What do you get in the end?”
“The satisfaction of knowing he couldn’t do it without me.”
She turned from the beaded handbag she was admiring and fixed her pale blue eyes on me. “I adore you, you know. Don’t change a whit.”
It was shockingly unmodern—and likely naïve, too—but I did believe any sacrifices and difficulties in our life were worth it for Ernest’s career. It was why we’d come to Paris after all. But it wasn’t easy to watch my clothes falling to threads and not feel embarrassed, particularly since women were dressed so chicly just then. But I honestly don’t think I could have kept up with them, even if we hadn’t been strapped.
Our apartment was cold and damp, and I often had a dull ache in my sinuses. We kept Bumby’s crib in the warmest corner, but he fell ill anyway. We passed a crouping cough back and forth for weeks that spring, which troubled his sleep. He woke crying, wanting to nurse. Feeding him could be a joy in the daylight when I was well rested, but at night it drained my energy away. It was at these times I most needed my outings with Kitty, or walks in the thin sunshine with Stella Bowen and Julie, who were also becoming good companions.
I also tried to slip out of the house for at least an hour each day to practice piano. We couldn’t afford to buy or even rent one as we had before, so I played a badly tuned upright in the damp cellar of a music shop nearby. I had to light a candle to see the sheet music, and my fingers often cramped with cold. Sometimes it didn’t seem worth the effort, but I kept it up anyway, because I wasn’t ready to let this part of myself go.