When he realised that he was acting he realised also that he had been acting for a long while; indeed, that he could not remember when he had begun to act. Somehow, she lured him to it; made insatiable demands upon him that could not be satisfied without it. His acting had become almost a real part of him; he caught himself saying and doing things which came quite spontaneously, even though they were false. The trait of artistry in him made him not merely an actor but an accomplished actor; but the strain of it was immense. And sometimes, when he was alone, he wished that he might some time break under it, so that she might find out the utmost truth.
Still, of course, it was Clare that was worrying her. She kept insisting that he wanted Clare more than he wanted her, and he kept denying it, and she obviously liked to hear him denying it, although she kept refusing to believe him. And as a simple denial would never satisfy her, he had perforce to elaborate his denials, until they were not so much denials as elaborately protestant speeches in which energetically expressed affection for her was combined with subtle disparagement of Clare. As time went on her demands increased, and the kind of denial that would have satisfied her a fortnight before was no longer sufficient to pacify her for a moment. He would say, passionately: “My little darling Helen, all I want is you—why do you keep talking about Clare? I’m tired of hearing the name It’s Helen I want, my old darling Helen.” He became eloquent in this kind of speech.
But sometimes, in the midst of his acting, an awful, hollow moment of derision would come over him; a moment when he secretly addressed himself: You hypocrite. You don’t mean a word of all this! Why do you say it? What good is it if it pleases her if it isn’t true? Can you—are you prepared to endure these nightly exhibitions of extempore play-acting for ever? Mustn’t the end come some day, and what is to be gained by the postponement of it?
Then the hollow, dreadful, moment would leave him, and he would reply in defence of himself: I love Helen, although the continual protestation of it is naturally wearisome. If she can only get rid of the obsession about Clare we shall live happily and without this emotional ferment. Therefore, it is best that I should help her to get rid of it as much as I can. And if I were to protest my love for her weakly I should hinder and not help her.
Sometimes, after he had been disparaging Clare, a touch of real vibrant emotion would make him feel ashamed of himself. And then, in a few sharp, anguished sentences he would undo all the good that hours of argument and protestation had achieved. He would suddenly defend Clare, wantonly, obtusely, stupidly aware all the time of the work he was undoing, yet, somehow, incapable of stopping the words that came into his mouth. And they were not eloquent words; they were halting, diffident, often rather silly. “Clare’s all right,” he would say sometimes, and refuse to amplify or qualify. “I don’t know why we keep dragging her in so much. She’s never done us any harm and I’ve nothing against her.”
“So. You love her.”
“Love her? Rubbish! I don’t love her. But I don’t hate her—surely you don’t expect me to do that!”
“No, I don’t expect you to do that. I expect you to marry her, though, some day.”
“Marry her! Good God, what madness you talk, Helen! I don’t want to marry her, and if I did she wouldn’t want to marry me! And besides, it happens that I’m already married. That’s an obstacle, isn’t it?”
“There’s such a thing as divorce.”
“You can’t get a divorce just because you want one.”
“I know that.”
“And besides, my dear Helen, who wants a divorce? Do you?”
“Do you?”
“Of course I don’t.”
“Kenneth, I know it seems to you that I’m terribly unreasonable. But it isn’t any satisfaction to me that you just don’t see Clare. What I want is that you shan’t want to see her.”
“Well, I don’t want to see her.”
“That’s a lie.”
“Well—well—what’s the good of me telling you I don’t want to see her if you can’t believe me?”
“No good at all, Kenneth. That’s why it’s so awful.”
He said then, genuinely: “Is it very awful, Helen?”
“Yes. You don’t know what it’s like to feel that all the time one’s happiness in the world is hanging by a thread. Kenneth, all the time I’m watching you I can see Clare written in your mind. I know you want her. I know she can give you heaps that I can’t give you. I know that our marriage was a tragic mistake. We’re not suited to one another. We make each other frightfully, frightfully miserable. More miserable than there’s any reason for, but still, that doesn’t help. We’re misfits, somehow, and though we try ever so hard we shall never be any better until we grow old and are too tired for love any more. Then we shall be too disinterested to worry. It was my fault, Kenneth-I oughtn’t to have married you. Father wanted me to, because your people have a lot of money, but I only married you because I loved you, Kenneth. It was silly of me, Kenneth, but it’s the truth!”
“Ah!” So the mystery was solved. He softened to her now that he heard her simple confession; he felt that he loved her, after all.
She went on, sadly: “I’m not going to stay with you, Kenneth. I’m not going to ruin your life. You won’t be able to keep me. I’d rather you be happy and not have anything to do with me.”
Then he began one of his persuasive speeches. The beginning of it was sincere, but as he used up all the genuine emotion that was in him, he drew more and more on his merely histrionic capacities. He pleaded, he argued, he implored. Once the awful thought came to him: Supposing I cried? Doubt as to his capacity to cry impressively decided him against the suggestion…And once the more awful thought came to him: Supposing one of these times I do not succeed in patching things up? Supposing we do agree to separate? Do I really want to win all the time I am wrestling so hard for victory?
And at the finish, when he had succeeded once again, and when she was ready for all the passionate endearments that he was too tired to take pleasure in giving, he felt: This cannot last. It is killing me. It is killing her too. God help us both…
II
One day he realised that he was a failure. He had had some disciplinary trouble with the fifth form and had woefully lost his temper. There had followed a mild sort of scene; within an hour it had been noised all over the school, so that he knew what the boys and Masters were thinking of when they looked at him. It was then that the revelation of failure came upon him.
But, worst of all, there grew in him wild and ungovernable hates. He hated the Head, he hated Pritchard, he hated Smallwood, he hated, most intensely of all, perhaps, Burton. Burton was too familiar. Not that Speed disliked familiarity; it was rather that in Burton’s familiarity he always diagnosed contempt: He wished Burton would leave. He was getting too old.
They had a stupid little row about some trivial affair of house discipline. Speed had found some Juniors playing hockey along the long basement corridor. True that they were using only tennis balls; nevertheless it seemed to Speed the sort of thing that had to be stopped. He was not aware that “basement hockey” was a time-honoured custom of Lavery’s, and that occasional broken panes of glass were paid for by means of a “whip round.” If he had known that he would have made no interference, for he was anxious not to make enemies. But it seemed to him that this extempore hockey-playing was a mere breach of ordinary discipline; accordingly he forbade it and gave a slight punishment to the participators.
Back in his room there came to him within a little while, Burton, eagerly solicitous about something or other.
“Well, what is it, Burton?” The mere sight of the shambling old fellow enraged Speed now.
“If you’ll excuse the libutty, sir, I’ve come on be’alf of a few of the Juniors you spoke to about the basement ‘ockey, sir.”
“I don’t see what business it is of yours, Burton.”
“No, sir, it ain’t any business of mine, that’s true, but I thought perha
ps you’d listen to me. In fact, I thought maybe you didn’t know that it was an old ‘ouse custom, sir, durin’ the ‘ockey term. I bin at Millstead fifty-one year come next July, sir, an’ I never remember an ‘ockey term without it, sir. Old Mr. Hardacre used ‘to allow it, an’ so did Mr. Lavery ‘imself. In fact, some evenings, sir, Mr. Lavery used to come down an’ watch it, sir.”
Speed went quite white with anger. He was furiously annoyed with himself for having again trod on one of these dangerous places; he was also furious with Burton for presuming to tell him his business. Also, a slight scuffle outside the door of the room suggested to him that Burton was a hired emissary of the Juniors, and that the latter were eavesdropping at that very moment. He could not give way.
“I don’t know why you think I should be so interested in the habits of my predecessors, Burton,” he said, with carefully controlled voice. “I’m sure it doesn’t matter to me in the least what Hardacre and Lavery used to do. I’m housemaster at present, and if I say there must be no more basement hockey then there must be no more. That’s plain, isn’t it?”
“Well, sir, I was only warning you—”
“Thanks, I don’t require warning. You take too much on yourself, Burton.”
The old man went suddenly red. Speed was not prepared for the suddenness of it. Burton exclaimed, hardly coherent in the midst of his indignation: “That’s the first time I’ve bin spoke to like that by a housemaster of Lavery’s! Fifty years I’ve bin ‘ere an’ neither Mr. Hardacre nor Mr. Lavery ever insulted me to my face! They were gentlemen, they were!”
“Get out!” said Speed, rising from his chair quickly. “Get out of here! You’re damnably impertinent! Get out!”
He approached Burton and Burton did not move. He struck Burton very lightly on the shoulder. The old man stumbled against the side of the table and then fell heavily on to the floor. Speed was passionately frightened. He wondered for the moment if Burton were dead. Then Burton began to groan. Simultaneously the door opened and a party of Juniors entered, ostensibly to make some enquiry or other, but really, as Speed could see, to find out what was happening.
“What d’you want?” said Speed, turning on them. “I didn’t tell you to come in. Why didn’t you knock?”
They had the answer ready. “We did knock, sir, and then we heard a noise as if somebody had fallen down and we thought you might be ill, sir.”
Burton by this time had picked himself up and was shambling out of the room, rather lame in one leg.
The days that followed were not easy ones for Speed. He knew he had been wrong. He ought never to have touched Burton. People were saying “Fancy hitting an old man over sixty!” Burton had told everybody about it. The Common-Room knew of it. The school doctor knew of it, because Burton had been up to the Sick-room to have a bruise on his leg attended. Helen knew of it, and Helen rather obviously sided with Burton.
“You shouldn’t have hit an old man,” she said.
“I know I shouldn’t,” replied Speed. “I lost my temper. But can’t you see the provocation I had? Am I to put up with a man’s impertinence merely because he’s old?”
“You’re getting hard, Kenneth. You used to be kind to people, but you’re not kind now. You’re never kind now.”
In his own heart he had to admit that it was true. He had given up being kind. He was hard, ruthless, unmerciful, and God knew why, perhaps. Yet it was all outside, he hoped. Surely he was not hard through and through; surely the old Speed who was kind and gentle and whom everybody liked, surely this old self of his was still there, underneath the hardness that had come upon him lately!
He said bitterly: “Yes, I’m getting hard, Helen. It’s true. And I don’t know the reason.”
She supplied the answer instantly. “It’s because of me,” she said quietly. “I’m making you hard. I’m no good for you. You ought to have married somebody else.”
“No, no!” he protested, vehemently. Then the old routine of argument, protest, persuasion, and reconciliation took place again.
III
He made up his mind that he would crush the hardness in him, that he would be the old Speed once more. All his troubles, so it seemed to him, were the result of being no longer the old Speed. If he could only bring to life again that old self, perhaps, after sufficient penance, he could start afresh. He could start afresh with Lavery’s, he could start afresh with Helen; most of all perhaps, he could start afresh with himself. He would be kind. He would be the secret, inward man he wanted to be, and not the half-bullying, half-cowardly fellow that was the outside of him. He prayed, if he had ever prayed in his life, that he might accomplish the resuscitation.
It was a dark sombrely windy evening in February; a Sunday evening. He had gone into chapel with all his newly-made desires and determinations fresh upon him; he was longing for the quiet calm of the chapel service, that he might cement, so to say, his desires and resolutions into a sufficiently-welded programme of conduct that should be put into operation immediately. Raggs was playing the organ, so that he was able to sit undisturbed in the Masters’ pew. The night was magnificently stormy; the wind shrieked continually around the chapel walls and roof; sometimes he could hear the big elm trees creaking in the Head’s garden. The preacher was the Dean of somewhere-or-other; but Speed did not listen to a word of his sermon, excellent though it might have been. He was too busy registering decisions.
The next day he apologised to Burton, rather curtly, because he knew not any other way. The old man was mollified. Speed did not know what to say to him after he had apologised; in the end half-a-sovereign passed between them.
Then he summoned the whole House and announced equally curtly that he wished to apologise for attempting to break a recognised House custom. “I’ve called you all together just to make a short announcement. When I stopped the basement hockey I was unaware that it had been a custom in Lavery’s for a long while. In those circumstances I shall allow it to go on, and I apologise for the mistake. The punishments for those who took part are remitted. That’s all. You may go now.”
With Helen it was not so easy.
He said to her, on the same night, when the house had gone up to its dormitories: “Helen, I’ve been rather a brute lately. I’m sorry. I’m going to be different.”
She said: “I wish I could be different too.”
“Different? You different? What do you mean?”
“I wish I could make you fond of me again.” He was about to protest with his usual eagerness and with more than his usual sincerity, but she held up her hand to stop him. “Don’t say anything!” she cried, passionately. “We shall only argue. I don’t want to argue any more. Don’t say anything at all, please, Kenneth!”
“But—Helen—why not?”
“Because there’s nothing more to be said. Because I don’t believe anything that you tell me, and because I don’t want to deceive myself into thinking I do, any more.”
“Helen!”
She went on staring silently into the fire, as usual, but when he came near to her she put her arms round his neck and kissed him “I don’t believe you love me, Kenneth. Goodness knows why I kiss you. I suppose it’s just because I like doing it, that’s all. Now don’t say anything to me. Kiss me if you like, but don’t speak. I hate you when you begin to talk to me.”
He laughed.
She turned on him angrily, suddenly like a tiger. “What are you laughing at? I don’t see any joke.”
“Neither do I. But I wanted to laugh—for some reason. Oh, if I mustn’t talk to you, mayn’t I even laugh? Is there nothing to be done except kiss and be kissed?”
“You’ve started to talk. I hate you now.”
“I shouldn’t have begun to talk if you’d let me laugh.”
“You’re hateful.”
“What—because I laughed? Don’t you think it’s rather funny that a man may kiss his wife and yet not be allowed to talk to her?”
“I think it’s tragic.”
; “Tragic things are usually funny if you’re in the mood that I’m in.”
“It’s your own fault that you’re in such a hateful mood.”
“Is it my fault? I wasn’t in the mood when I came into this room.”
“Then it’s my fault, I presume?”
“I didn’t say so. God knows whose fault it is. But does it matter very much?”
“Yes, I think it does.”
He couldn’t think of anything to say. He felt all the strength and eagerness and determination and hope for the future go out of him and leave him aching and empty. And into the void—not against his will, for his will did not exist at the time—came Clare.
IV
Once again he knew that he loved her. A storm came over him, furious as the storm outside! he knew that he loved and wanted her, passionately this time, because his soul was aching. To him she meant the easing of all the strain within him; he could not think how it had been possible for him to go on so long without knowing it. Helen and he were like currents of different voltages; but with Clare he would be miraculously matched. For the first time in his life he recognised definitely and simply that his marriage with Helen had been a mistake.
But what could he do? For with the realisation of his love for Clare came the sudden, blinding onrush of pity for Helen, pity more terrible than he had ever felt before; pity that made him sick with the keenness of it. If he could only be ruthless and leave her with as few words and as little explanation as many men left their wives! But he could not. Somehow, in some secret and subtle way, he was tied to her. He knew that he could never leave her. Something in their intimate relationship had forged bonds that would always hold him to her, even though the spirit of him longed to be free. He would go on living with her and pitying her and making her and himself miserable.