The Phantom of Pilberry Place
By Kevin P Pearson
Text Copyright 2013 Kevin P Pearson
All Rights Reserved
‘Inspiring pumpers everywhere to follow their dreams!’
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to Katarzyna for her excellent cover picture of ‘The Phantom of Pilberry Place’
Judging by her drawing, it seems she’s visited Beasley’s famous phantom too!
To get in touch with Katarzyna regarding possible art projects, please contact her directly at the email address below.
Katarzyna Waszewska-Adamowska
LABARTE
Email:
[email protected] Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
The Phantom Pumper’s Guide to Professional Pumping
Chapter 1
Young Samuel Fisher only started pumping properly at the age of four. Like most of us back then, these pumps were uncontrollable, catching him completely by surprise. Being an intelligent child, by six he’d learnt to control them better, and by eight he could pump at will. Of course with boys at school this made him a living legend.
Unfortunately very few girls thought his habit clever, making finding a girlfriend quite, quite difficult. There was one once – a kind, bright girl by the name of Violet Elizabeth. Sadly, after only a day she announced she simply couldn’t be around a boy who pumped as much. Over the next year she often waved to him across the school yard, but always kept her distance.
On Sam’s seventh birthday his naughty Uncle Peter organised an annual pumping competition via the local paper. Mischievous Peter sensed an opportunity to annoy his wife Mabel, who hated pumping in all its forms, and help his talented nephew plan for the future. The grand prize was groceries for a year and a very smart hanging medal, which doubled as a wind chime.
Whilst mum didn’t really approve of Sam’s pumping, because times were hard for villagers in sleepy Beasley, she certainly wasn’t going to turn down free groceries. It would be fair to say she only tolerated his hobby. Like most boys, dad thought the situation hilarious. Dad wasn’t much good at pumping, despite being quite keen on the subject when he was young. Deep down he knew this kind of pumping was something really special and his child had been granted an exceedingly rare gift.
This was one of many reasons why Sam’s favourite Uncle Peter became his trainer. The clever man did his very best to ensure Sam ate fruit, veg and baked beans, followed by thick milkshakes. Eggs were to be avoided at all costs. Everyone knows why. Now aged ten, Sam could out pump most adults in England. So winning a friendly little competition each year was all too easy.
The only other professional pumper in England close to Sam’s standard was Big Dave Johnson from way down south. This twenty stone teenager who constantly ate rich, expensive chocolate could only ever manage four long pumps in a row, before becoming so terribly red faced his flustered mother had to march him to the changing rooms.
During a contest, while Uncle Peter egged Sam on, Aunt Mabel sat outside in the car, tutting loudly at pumpers and fans alike. Peter enjoyed popping out during intervals, telling her to try not to kick up too much of a stink.
Needless to say Sam had won the contest twice in a row, and such a wafty, windy show was getting more popular all the time. There were always many talented competitors, but none came close to Sam’s high level of control. For instance, tiny Steven Latimer could only cope with a total of three short pumps followed by three longer ones. Uncle Peter honestly didn’t know why the lad kept turning up, or how Steven even got through the elimination process. Still, at least he always tried his best, which was why Sam liked him.
Despite the heated atmosphere on the competition floor, Sam always wore a broad smile. He enjoyed meeting other folk, but guessed his destiny lay far away from such contests. One day he’d do something to make his parents truly proud, he just knew it.
Nowadays in places where his unusual talents were unknown, like on holiday, Sam often directed pumps to a certain part of the room to cast suspicion on others. As long as he didn’t wait too long, it seemed he could order them back as well! During cross country lessons, he’d often save up pumps and let them go slowly at the bottom of a hill. These effortless chain pumps would balloon naturally in his pants, helping him reach the top easily.
As Sam grew older, besides all the fun and games, he started wondering how all this was possible. Pumping was so very easy for him, at times it seemed he’d been granted some strange magical power, whose purpose still remained unknown.