Chapter 4
Before he knew it, Sam woke up in bed. Uncle Peter was knocking loudly on the front door. “Sam, its quarter to twelve!” he cried. Sam’s heart fluttered in excitement. Beasley’s Third Annual Pumping Contest was about to begin!
Safe in Beasley’s grand town hall, Sam relaxed for a few minutes, thinking back to his amazing time with the Phantom Pumper. No wonder those friendly pumps trusted him so much, he seemed such a jolly fellow.
Sam looked around the hall in wonder. Officials had done an amazing job with the decorations. Lighting in particular was superb. Shimmering statues lit the stage floor with welcoming glows and fresh paintwork gleamed like dancing rainbows. Beautiful murals had been crafted by gifted artists and many luxurious seats added too.
Only to be expected, the place was packed out. There must have been at least a hundred people there, and the crowd outside was swelling. Soon rustling fans were chanting pumping songs, eager to get the thrilling contest started, even though it was only five to twelve. Many started pumping themselves as a mark of respect. Few were any good though. However, the three friendly judges seemed to enjoy their enthusiasm, raising their hands in harmony.
Sam gazed at his opponents, sizing them up. Ten had gotten through to the final today. Of course as predicted, nasty Richard Rearguard was one of them. Big Dave Johnson had made it too. Sam couldn’t believe the weak pumper Steven Latimer had got through again! None of the others looked familiar.
Today’s contest worked by a process of elimination and was split up into three main sections. A final showdown would follow between the remaining three competitors. First test was a basic idea, designed to get competitors up to speed - a warm up round if you will.
Each was given a song, kid’s poem or nursery rhyme and asked to pump out the tune. The difficulty of the piece depended on their ranking in qualifying rounds last week. People watching couldn’t do this, but then this was pumping at the highest level.
Still, most contestants did rather well, considering they weren’t allowed any time to practice. Steven Latimer failed miserably. The poor little soul couldn’t even manage the first few notes of ‘Three Blind Mice.’ The supportive crowd were sad to see him go. Steven always gave his very best and was an inspiration to others.
Surprisingly Big Dave Johnson managed a presentable version of ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,’ and Dick Rearguard wowed the crowd with their favourite ‘Old McDonald.’ But when Sam happily pumped out the rhythm to Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ without a note out of place, it was a real triumph.
Next came the dreaded ‘Cross country’ round - an obstacle course. These fiendish traps had been designed by the finest minds in the county. Competitors had to pump a small ball round the tricky course as quickly as possible. Getting it impossibly stuck, or allowing the ball to leave the course meant instant failure. Sam’s natural abilities helped him to a healthy one minute thirty seconds, though Dick picked up most points. His long hours of practice had paid off and he made sure everyone knew it. The big headed boy was such a boastful show off.
To celebrate the Olympic year another new event named the High Pump was introduced. Rules for this were pretty straightforward. Challengers had to sit in a line perched on firm oak chairs. Whoever propelled themselves highest won. Pressure was on here as the time limit was set to a stiff two minutes. Despite a massive breakfast of chocolate cake and fibre, Big Dave was far too heavy to do this, so failed at once. Sam easily managed over three inches. Dick only managed two, and immediately complained that his seat mustn’t be as firm as Sam’s. Luckily Beasley’s wise judges were having none of it. One reminded him that gentlemanly conduct was key to staying in the contest, which settled Dick down, for now.
Dick had been pretty good at pumping so far, but Sam smelt trickery afoot! Throughout the contest Dick had done everything asked, except in a far ruder way than necessary. He was a dirty fighter alright. At that moment Sam saw his rival wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. For one his pumps smelled. That simply wasn’t good manners.
These hard working folk had paid to see experts demonstrate the pinnacle of pumping, not to dodge vast, choking clouds of smelly bum gas. Members of the press held their noses and flashed off pictures. High up on the stands, one poor lady almost fainted. Pumping competitions obviously weren’t for her. Her friend sensibly led her to safety through the gathering smog, whilst official marshals hurriedly opened windows. Judges here were very fair and made sure fans weren’t disappointed. Fair enough, maybe Dick was nervous? Even so, that was number two on the rule sheets - he’d lose marks for sure!
All of a sudden Sam understood Dick had conjured foul smells deliberately to put him off, yet the judges hadn’t realised! The Phantom Pumper was right. Well, Sam wasn’t going to go down that route. He always played fair. He’d stick to his plan like a true professional, letting his natural talent shine through. Dick’s crafty smells continued though, followed by sly winks in Sam’s direction.
At this point only a weird character called Farting Phil the Third, Dick and Sam were left, with just two crucial rounds remaining. Phil had 50 points, Dick 85 and Sam 115. Sam knew he couldn’t let his guard down for a second. Time was almost over, so Sam concentrated on pressing home his victory in style.
The next challenge was normally a quick fire round, to test the number of pumps mustered within three minutes. Although, to everyone’s surprise a mystery round was announced instead, drawn at random to truly test a pumper’s creativity and intelligence. Rising to the challenge here boded well for competitors and spectators alike. After asking politely for calm, the head judge Mr Soanes solemnly announced this round would follow a theme, a bit like charades. His fellow judges would faultlessly act out a well known phrase. First person to pump an answer incorrectly would be dropped like a useless sack of dirt.
Dick scowled savagely at the patient Phil and Sam - he knew there wasn’t long left. These final three contestants were pretty well matched at this, giving the cheering crowd real value for money. Dick’s fierce scowls put Phil off in the end, and he graciously bowed out, wishing the others the best of luck. Farting Phil remained a true gentleman to the last. His parents would be so proud.
Sam now had 140 points and Dick 120. In this final round the winner would gain a massive 100 points, whilst the sad loser dropped 100. Remaining faithful to the spirit of pumping, this challenge was freestyle pumping. Because it was entirely natural, many serious pumpers felt this represented pumping at its very best. Challenger’s presentations were to last no more than five minutes. Being the leader, Sam had the choice of going first. He kindly offered his rival this spot, who jumped at the chance.
“You’ve handed me the medal fool!” Dick whispered nastily. Dick sprung to his feet, leading the excited crowd a merry dance. He pumped here, there and everywhere. He pumped out forward rolls, pumped off wobbly boards and even managed to pump himself out of a very tight corner. At one point he pumped so wildly ground shook and lights flickered. Once he managed to pump flour up into a spinning spiral. Soon it acted like a mini whirlwind. Dick finished off with a spectacular long pump which vibrated impressively in everyone’s ears. Sam applauded loudly along with the enthusiastic crowd.
“Beat that loser!” Dick screamed madly, gesturing rudely in Sam’s face.
Sam took a long deep breath, remembering the Phantom’s wise words. Instead of thinking selfishly, Sam willed the pumps - Willed them the confidence to create whatever they wanted. The crowd hushed, wondering what sweet magic the reigning champion had to offer. Nothing happened for a few long, quiet minutes. The atmosphere turned sour and even smellier. Everyone’s noses twitched uncontrollably. Dick sniggered rudely. Then without warning a family of small, fresh plooshes flashed round the hall, turning lights on and off in dreamy sequences. Seconds later the clever head judge realised they were speaking in Morse code! He was far too polite to share their rude jokes in public though.
Sam concentrated even harder.
Tiny acrobatic ploots danced high up to the ceiling, delicately brushing decorations out of shape to create a colourful arch. Together they fell like fine, warm rain, scattering over the floor with gentle popping splashes. Seconds later a dozen powerful chain pumps cracked off like machine guns, exploding in mid air. In perfect harmony with its friends an incredibly long Cosmic Squealer travelled round the crowd’s heads, hugging the walls. After three revealing revolutions it turned round, then slipped beneath the crowd, pumping everyone off their seats in turn like a cushiony, windy Mexican wave.
A full five minutes later Sam’s amazing show ended with a series of invisible, magical pumps whistling through his ears in triumph and fluffing Dick’s greasy hair. The sad, cowardly chicken leapt off his seat with a big, girly scream. Everyone went wild. This was the greatest show ever! All three judges instantly announced there could only be one winner - ‘Silent’ Sam Fisher! And because rude Dick had lost 100 points, he actually came last!
Three hours of proficient, potent and powerful pumping had left him weak and weary, so a very tired Sam staggered back to his feet, proudly accepting the crowds deafening roars. Dick stooped over in total disgust, white from head to toe. All his snide boasts had come to naught. He’d been well and truly humiliated. His unsporting family slunk out the hall with their heads bowed so low they almost scraped the ground. No one knows what happened to them, only they were never heard of again.
Everybody was dying to hear more about these fabulous new tricks they’d been lucky enough to witness, but Sam said he wasn’t allowed to tell just yet, they’d have to be patient.
Back at home, Sam found all the family had gathered to congratulate him. Delighted Uncle Peter didn’t stop talking about the ins and outs of the spectacular win all night. Mum was very happy with her grocery vouchers and dad was so proud his son had won a national pumping competition yet again.
Bed time came too soon. Sam had hardly closed his eyes when the overjoyed Phantom Pumper entered his dreams. Sam was kindly invited to spend the weekend with him and his very elderly relative. Two minutes later a soft, cheery whistle announced the arrival of an excited pump tapping at his window. Sam threw one side open, quickly catching on to it. It wafted him off through the woods, up between the highest trees.
As they drew closer to magical Pilberry Place, Sam giggled softly. After what the excited Pumper had just told him, he wasn’t ready to give up his precious gift just yet. That may come later. But for now, for the rest of the weekend it was time for some serious pumping!
Only a few magical swirls later, back in the powerful pumper’s presence Sam found the whole woods were transformed back into the days of old where far more exotic plants grew freely and wild, unusual animals roamed free. Flowers were brighter and more alive. Squirrels weren’t frightened of him and armies of friendly rabbits roamed the woods. Once he even heard wolves far off in the distance.
Pilberry’s famous pumper told Sam much of history, as well as his life and work over the centuries. It was truly amazing how much the phantom had achieved by dedicating his life and more to his precious pump friends. Unknown to anyone the clever inhabitants of Pilberry Place had been helping Beasley and the surrounding countryside in countless ways for many years.
During an eye opening tour of Pilberry Place the pumper eagerly introduced Sam to his closest friends. Most pumps were very chatty indeed. Of course Sam had no idea what they were saying, so the pumper happily translated. This excited young boy was only the second human they’d ever met. No wonder the pumps were so very keen to learn all about him.
Sam soon found out all pumps were natural jokers as well as writers and artists, revelling in research and design. Others were gifted with great kindness and care for all earth’s inhabitants too. Older ones seemed to know an awful lot of the modern world outside their own beautiful village, not just nearby countries.
During that delightful weekend Sam learnt magical pumps could live for thousands of years in one form or another, and some pumps could actually make a person float out a room. It was also quite surprising to learn pumps were only invisible to human eyes and many animals could see them pretty easily.
On the final day the pumper’s elderly relative Aunt Penny arrived after a long week away visiting magical friends in strange lands. She’d brought an awful lot of exciting presents too, that baby pumps just loved playing with. Aunt Penny was just like everyone’s favourite gran who enjoyed treating Sam like one of her own children.
The kind, clever lady must have been at least a hundred, though looked much younger. Penny said this was partly because of her attitude at life, her physic powers, the magnificent magical surroundings and making correct choices. Pilberry Place’s wise woman swore following intuition was very important, and people shouldn’t forget this was how their ancestors had survived so long in such a dangerous world. Penny didn’t tell much of Sam’s future though, promising he’d enjoy the surprise.
Just before he left Pilberry Place the sneaky Phantom Pumper organised a surprise pump off between Sam and a few of the younger ploots, who were eager to show off their incredible skills. This unique event proved a hilarious, educational and humbling affair. Under wandering stars lost to humans for centuries and happily caught in a magical, buzzing circle of excited pumps, Sam learnt much of instinct and pure, natural skill.
That special night Sam realised these wonderful pumps were some of the most powerful and enchanting creatures ever to fall to earth. And in the final hours, dancing and playing like an infant in a strange dream, Sam felt truly at one with the Phantom Pumper and his cute, kind and thoughtful friends. By then he knew he’d have to spread the message of their selfless lives. And by then the pumps had seen deep inside his heart, accepted him as one of them and didn’t want him to ever leave.
Before Sam floated safely back to bed on a soothing, magical mist of pumps, the charming Phantom Pumper confessed he’d an awful lot of work to do throughout early summer. Helping young pumps with problems was only one of his many jobs. He promised to call for Sam when he had time free to enjoy some of his favourite hobbies.