THE PHONE CODE
by
Darrel D. Miller
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PUBLISHED BY:
The Phone Code
Copyright © 2014 by Darrel D. Miller
This is a free tongue in cheek essay – enjoy.
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The phone rang, I inhaled slightly and waited for the second ring to come, "Hello, Visinet, this is Darrel speaking."
"Who is this?" the voiced asked.
"This is Darrel, this is Visinet."
"The what? I couldn't hear you."
"I am Darrel, and you called Visinet."
“Who?
“Darrel...VIIISSSIIINEEETTT.”
"What do you want?"
I was puzzled, I didn't know who this guy was, "Well, we...I uh, the company, takes care of families. Who, who may I ask is this."
"You called me, left me a message."
I clench my teeth, "Did you listen to the message?"
"No."
"Okay, if you tell me who you are, I can probably figure out why I, or someone else - from here- might have called you."
"My name is Fred, you called me about a meeting for a Teddy. Why?"
"I thought you…never mind...Well, uh, cause you were on the list of people to call." I bit a pencil.
"Whats this list?"
"I get it from DFS, its a list of people I have to call for this meeting." I rolled my eyes. As I prepared to say the rest of my sentence my mind said - in slow motion- Do not say the rest of your sentence, but I ignored it and continued, “And it lists you as ‘Father’.”
I could write the list of profanities, curses, and denials this man uttered at my words, but I am not going to, suffice it to say, you have heard all these words before, and had someone angry with you use them. Needless to say I had to spend the next five minutes talking the guy off of this metaphorical ledge, lets just say that by the end of it, I wish he would have jumped.
Finally he hung up satisfied that I had not in fact performed a telephonic paternity test, and I went back to my paper work.
A half an hour later this gentleman calls back and requests the phone number to DFS; which I give him, along with the name of the agents who work on the case. That latter half comes back to bit me in the ass, as the worker calls and “Thanks” me for sending this belligerent gentleman her way. It seems his powerful phone skills were just as on display with her as they were with me, which brings me to the real topic: phone manners, or etiquette. It seems there is a dearth among those who use phones, which appears to be most of them. I say that because the above conversation is not atypical. I frequently have people call me and fail to follow the most basic of pleasantries when using a phone.
The above makes it obvious that Telephone Manners are lacking. Therefore it should be taught in high school along with everything else they don't teach, but test for. I realize this may put an undue burden on teachers, but I don't mind, I am not a teacher any more. And I know the screed will go forth from parental interest groups (not parents) that parents alone should teach this valuable skill. Just like parents should only teach their children about sex. Which has proved successful at raising the pregnancy rates among teenage girls. Really I am all for parents teaching their children about the facts of life that don't affect the rest of us.
Of course the other obstacle besides parental interest groups (remember - not parents) is the children themselves. Many of these children are not even aware that they can call people on their cell phones. Why just the other day I heard some random stupid teenager say with surprise: "I can call people on this? I just use it to text my friends and play games."
So the first and most important point in using the phone is the greeting. Remember when you call someone to introduce yourself. "But Why?" is the smart ass response I hear you say. So if for no other reason than simple politeness when you call anyone, please tell them who you are.
If that doesn't work for you, then pretend the person you called does not have Caller ID. Yes there was a time before Caller ID, back in the dark ages of 1999 when people couldn't carry phones in their pockets. That's right life existed before Caller ID, as did other people. I realize having to introduce yourself will be a serious inconvenience to you, but please tell me who you are, that is rule number one of Telephone Manners.
Greeting is important, but even that can be subverted if you are not aware of your tone. Tone is important when using the phone. In case you are not familiar with it let me explain tone. Okay, forget it, I am not explaining tone, partly because I don't know what tone is. What I do know is this: I won't be yelled at by you or anyone who has not given birth to me (that includes you Dad). Tone probably also includes the words you use, so using slang is probably not the best idea, especially if I don't know the words you're using, but more if I do know those words.
While there are a variety of rules to follow when using a telephone, this one is important. If you think of your phone call as a paper, this telephone tip would be the body of your paper: It is being prepared. Because if you don't know why you are calling, neither will I. I do not know what you want, unless you tell me.Yelling at me about what I want is the opposite of Telephone Manners. If you do that people, specifically me, won't like this, and may even be upset with you. Just remember I may have Caller ID (but pretend I don’t) I for sure do not have Caller Mind Reading. So you tell me why you are calling; problem solved.
While it should not have to be said, I will say: when you are on the phone, pay attention to your phone call. All those other things you think you need to do while on the phone, can wait. Science has shown that multitasking isn't really possible. Your attention is diverted. So your tasks suffer. And in the context of a phone call: it is your conversation that suffers.
This is especially important depending on what you plan on doing while you are talking on the phone, and I list these, from best to worst, in order. Dishes, playing with your dog, sex, and peeing/pooping. I realize you don't think the person on the other end will know, but trust me at some point they are going to ask you, "Are you in the bathroom" You're better than that, seriously, you are.
Along with staying focused, I feel the need to address a subtopic of that: button pushing/playing games/texting on your cellphone while you are talking (on the cellphone or not). There is a minor side issue, consider it a bonus tip on telephones manners. It is a simple one but harder to address because buttons are no longer buttons. They are just spots on a screen. But when you press on the buttons it makes a sound, and then I can't hear what you say. So just stop pressing any buttons when we are talking. That means you can't play words with friends while you are talking with me. Just pretend we are friends and we are playing words with friends like they did back in the olden days when it was called a conversation.
Unfortunately I am afraid that I now have to stop and go over Manners for Using Voice Messages. It seems this skill to is lacking in a large segment of the population, who all seem to need to call me. I do not want to do this, again I was hoping it was a skill that was taught at the highschool level, but obviously it has not been.
First pretend you are talking to someone. This may sound odd, but if you know how to talk to someone (especially on the phone) then leaving a voice message is not that different. Except for the fact that the person won't be able to hear, or respond, to you immediately. If all else fails just pretend you are on a real phone call because you are.
Then make sure you are somewhere quiet enough that you will be heard, speak up, and clearly state your name. If you were not aware people on voice mail, like people on cellphones, cannot see you. So they cannot make visual confirmation that you are you.
Next, keep it short. Seriously I do not want to listen you ramble for l
ike 20 minutes before you ask me if I want to go to the movies, or baby sit your gold fish. Your long message will disincline me to your request. You want to do a monologue, go be in a Shakespeare play, or comic book.
I think the biggest piece of advice I can give anyone using any cellphone is this: Listen to your voice messages before calling the person. They left it for you, not so you could call them to see what they wanted.
Alternatively don't call me and do not leave a voice message, especially if I do not have your number. I won't know who you are, and I won't know what you want. How is that helpful?
Keep in mind, I hate it when people leave me voice messages. That is because it is not easy to listen to. So the moral of the story is if you call me leave a voice message; I refuse to listen to it, and I reserve the right to be mad you didn't leave a voice message. But when I call you; you are to listen to the voice message then, and only then, call me back fully prepared to discuss what I just called you about. I know it is a double standard, but I am a twin, it’s allowed.
As you can see this is a wide topic full of many things to learn. It may seem impossible to learn all these things, but I say give it one good hour and you can probably do it.
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