about all the other people that had wronged him...
(6)
When he faded back out from the vision, he was disoriented and almost lost his grip on the wall and went tumbling down, but with a sudden massive surge of adrenaline in his veins, he managed to hold on.
"What was it about you that made those kids hate you so much?"
Breathing heavy from his near accident, he answered:
"I've never been able to figure it out, and I don't care to know."
"You say you were happy as a kid. Yet I can see a lot of sorrow you endured when you were young. And not just the lack of friends, or that one memory..."
"I don't need to relive it anymore!" the young man said angrily as he started his ascent again.
"Maybe my childhood wasn't perfect. Maybe I WAS sad a lot. But overall, I was much happier than I've ever been in my life since! And I wasn't lacking in friends all the time. I had several friends a few years after that..."
"Yes. I know all about that."
The young man kept his mouth shut and continued to climb silently. He didn't want to give the... whatever it was another reason to pull him into another unwanted memory. God, that smell!
"You still believe you will find happiness if you make it to the top?"
"I don't know." the man answered honestly.
"And what will you do if you get to the top and it's not what you expected? What if there is only more pain and misery waiting for you? What if nothing changes at all? What if you simply get thrown back down into the pit again?"
The young man thought for a bit before answering:
"I guess at that point there really will be no more purpose to life. Maybe I'll let go after all!"
Christian tossed and turned in his bed. Insomnia again. This sucked. He had to be up at five in the morning for work. Paralyzing fear came over him, as it did every night. His dream seemed as far away as it ever did. He had felt some excitement when he had begun taking those first steps. But it felt like he hadn't made any progress at all.
Disturbing questions plagued him. Was this really all there was to his life?
He felt his dream was the only thing he had that kept him going on. Without it, his existence was meaningless. There was nothing else to live for.
Sometimes he didn't understand why he kept pressing on. He felt the impossibility of what he wanted crushing in on him. What if he had to live the rest of his life right where he was forever?
He was only holding on because of some idealistic hope that things might get better. But they probably wouldn't, if he was honest with himself. Why was he letting himself continue on?
He wondered how he would feel if he made it to 30 and hadn't done anything significant with his life. 40? 50? He sometimes thought 35 might be the cutoff point. If things still looked hopeless by that point, then maybe it would be best to just end it all right then and there. But then again, did he expect to go on for even that long with this kind of pain?
Maybe he would end it sooner...
(7)
The opening was a little bigger now. The young man started to breathe a sigh of relief. So, there really was a top, and he actually was getting closer! There was hope, at least, if his body held out. Every muscle in his body ached. He felt like he was getting lightheaded. He wanted nothing more than to just collapse and rest for a decade. Even 15 minutes of rest would have given him enough relief to feel like he could make it. But there would be no rest. He had to make it to the top, and he had to do it all one-shot, without rest, otherwise the alternative was certain death.
"Take it from someone who truly cares about you," the voice said. "I am as old as the origins of the cosmos themselves. I have wandered every corner of the known Earth. I have seen a great many things. I have witnessed the true ugliness of the world, the Heart of Darkness that lurks in every human being. In all my years, I have come to learn of a great truth.
“It is a sad truth, but it is a truth nonetheless. What I am about to tell you is a truth of the uttermost controversy, but it is one you must accept. If you make it to the top and continue your life in the outside world, you will eventually come to understand that my words do indeed not contrive to deceive you. It is with no hidden conspiracy that I teach you these things, but what I have come to notice is this: the world is a very cold, dark, cruel place. A world filled with much injustice and evil. As much as there can be great beauty in the world, there is also a much greater degree of evil that permeates and poisons everything. Particularly the heart of man.
“You see, I can tell you exactly why those kids rejected you like they did. You DO have something about you that makes you different from most other human beings in existence!"
This made the young man stop for a second. Something about him that made others reject him? In truth, this was something he had come to suspect a long time ago, but hearing it in the words of someone... something else made it hit home with a much greater impact.
The voice continued:
"It is very rare that someone like you comes along, but people like you do exist. You see, it was this unique difference that made those other kids single you out, and shall continue to do so with everyone else you will come to meet."
The young man wanted to continue on climbing and ignore the voice. But the voice's words had intrigued him. His long running suspicion... that there was something inherently wrong with him that set him apart from other human beings and actually made others despise him...
If this ancient being, whatever it was, had the answers...
He didn't fully trust the voice. That smell... there was something wrong about this whole thing. But he had such a desperation, such an intense desire to know. Against his better judgment, he found himself opening his mouth and saying:
"Speak. I'm listening."
"There is, within every human being alive on the planet, an incredible darkness. I'm sure you've seen it yourself many times? The world seems most of the time seems to be dominated by hate rather than love. This is because the extent of the darkness is so great! In most hearts, this darkness has taken a much greater hold than most people would care to admit.
“But you... you don't have such a great degree of darkness in your heart! No, I actually see light! A great amount of it! It glimmers more brightly in a way that I do not regularly witness in most human beings! I tell you, it is because of this they despise and reject you. You are naturally kindhearted and gentle where most human beings aren't.
“Has it not always puzzled you greatly that everyone else seems to be so coldhearted, in a manner you wouldn't even think of reciprocating towards others? Does it not puzzle you how mean other people can often be to others? You are rightfully puzzled: for you such things are not the norm. The truth of the matter is this: it is NOT the same for most human beings. Yes, in all my years of wandering to and fro the Earth, and observing human beings from a completely objective, unbiased viewpoint, I sought to understand the great mysteries of human nature.
“I have seen a great many things wandering this vast universe, and nothing has intrigued and disturbed me more than the human animal. Do you know that out of every species that exists in the universe, none murders each other on a regular basis such as humankind does? The truth is that nearly all human beings are actually twisted, abominable creations. They will lie, backstab, cheat, and hurt one another, whatever it takes to get ahead! You could not understand it if you wanted to, because you were never capable of understanding. There IS a happiness to be obtained in the world. But it cannot be obtained by YOU.
“For only to the strongest do the spoils go to, and the strongest force is that which is most dominant, and that is the Heart of Darkness. The Heart of Darkness that lies within most every man! The reason they spit on you, cursed you, and hated you is because you were not like them. You were innocent. You still are innocent! Even if you make it to the top, you will have no chance. People will still spit on you! They will still curse you, hate you, and walk all over you! Stab you in
the back! Unless you do something about it!"
The young man had become so entranced by the things the voice was saying, he still hadn't moved an inch from where he had stopped. He felt a horrified feeling in the pit of his stomach. Even though he still had a generally bad feeling about the voice, he started feeling in his heart that the things the voice was saying had a ring of truth to them.
He HAD always felt like there was something different about him. He HAD always felt like he was unable to understand many of the ways people didn't seem to think twice about acting towards each other.
The voice's words disturbed him greatly. If they were true, then his quest for happiness was futile.
Something in his head screamed for him to stop encouraging the voice, to throw this conversation out of his head right now, tell the voice to get lost, but he couldn't. He wanted to know. Even if it was just for consideration and nothing more.
"What would you recommend I do?"
Without missing a beat, the voice responded:
"End it all now. If you continue the way you are going, you will only continue to feel this misery for the rest of your life. Or, you must develop a Heart of Darkness."
"Develop a Heart of Darkness?"
"Learn to hate. Indulge in the art of taking vengeance. Don't allow yourself to be pushed around by anyone anymore. Push back! Decimate them! Ruin the lives of others as surely as they shall come to