The Plastic Christmas Card
Copyright 2015 Frankie Lassut
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Before Plastic, I feel like I should give a little introduction as I have been doing right from QF1. In these little intros I have been boasting about the amount of money made by indie writers (I’m the only Pentertainer). Someone told me that it might make readers fed up. I then was inspired the other night (early evening actually) to inform people that the British Government is planning on giving some achievement money away. I know this because I have a mole in the Houses of Parliament. If the person can achieve the Government’s really cool ‘plan’, they will be well on their way to achieving their very own fortune (and then they can pay more tax). Good luck.
Here is the information. Know this, you ‘deserve’ it.
SCHEME 17
Your opportunity to make a lot of money
A Quick Flash intro from www.frankie-lassut.com
For you! Easy money ... £250.00 every week.
No catch. It’s going to be there in a big pot for the taking.
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I went to the shop the other night (early evening) which is down my street then turn right at the bottom. On the way there I said hello to four blokes who I know who were sat on one of their low walls, the house owner’s girlfriend was there too. They were still there on the way back so I thought I would stop and chat for a while. The conversation was a negative one about the Chancellor, the government and the recent budget.
“Don’t fret guys, why should you, the Chancellor gave you exactly what you crave.”
“What? More money? I don’t think so ... blah, blah, blah ...”
“Money? That’s not what you crave ... that shut them up. I could hear their brains whirring.
“What then?” asks another.
“Well, what do humans, especially the humans who work, crave, what is their/your FAVOURITE pastime?
“Holidays?”
“Come on guys, I ask you to hang that metaphoric bauble on the very top of the tree and you hung it on a low branch near the floor. Favourite pastime of the working ‘class’ ... come on now ...
They couldn’t get it.
“Here’s a clue ‘the Chancellor gave you plenty to ‘?????’ about ...
Still nothing, so I had to enlighten them. “It’s moaning guys, that’s the working class’ favourite pastime and the whole system is set up to give you abundant opportunities to engage in your favourite sport, and to think, you thought it was football. You’ve been fooling yourselves … and the government’s biggest crime is to give you enough rope to fool yourself into auto-hanging.
So, reader ...
The Government will decide on your behalf that there is far too much negativity around which is highlighted by people’s speech, they therefore decide to give the working populous an incentive to stop moaning as negativity has an effect on your much loved economy (Latin: Economia ... ‘household management) and therefore your lives.
Like energy attracts like energy guys, and you thought opposites attract. Flawed premise guys (by now they all had headaches). In nuclear plants and some chemical plants the workers wear things called PAS (Personal Air Sampler) monitors. They consist of a box half the size of a house brick which has a tube coming from it which clips onto the overalls just below a shoulder while the box pops in a pocket which is about chest height (can you picture it?). For the entire shift, the sampler sucks in air through a filter paper in a metal clip together frame on the end of the pipe. At the end of the shift, the samplers are handed in and the radiation? Measured on the filter paper from the dust ... which is gathered as near the mouth as possible. If your results say ABTH, all that means is that all of your babies will have two heads (P.T Barnum is looking from heaven with relish). Not free Absinth like you thought.
The government have taken that idea and made a small electronictransciever box. The clever electronics inside the box can listen to the person talking ‘emotionally’ and transmit that emotion to a large central computer. This is by no way a bug to weed out any person plotting against the Government as this isn’t a dictatorship ... and don’t think that this is something run by the government as they have employed working men and women to run the scheme which is called Scheme 17. This, it is hoped, will make it as fair and as good as possible, there is no deviousness involved, really, there isn’t. The transmitter is also a receiver and has a speaker and a digital readout. Each time the person moans, the monitor will bleep and a voice will give a countdown from seventeen seconds to zero. This gives the person seventeen seconds to stop the moan and distract themselves onto something more positive. If the person carries on moaning, they lose ten pounds and the voice will say ‘ten pounds lost’ followed by the new figure remaining.
Fair enough. Told you, NO catches.
The people who take part in Scheme 17 will all do so on a voluntary basis. Each person will pay ten pounds a year which will be used to fund the winners, just like the lottery only mega-cheaper. There was a programme, Take Your Pick on TV years ago which involved a gong section (it’s on You Tube). The host would ask the contestant a minute’s worth of simple questions. If the person used the words yes, or no, the gong went and they lost. You would be surprised how many people lost, yet we criticise our politicians for not saying yes or no.
The Scheme 17 citizen puts on their box first thing on Monday morning at 7.a.m (‘press it at 7 a m? That’s ridiculously early! And anyway, I’ll be getting ... bleep! Ten pounds lost!) ... and clicks the Monday Morning button and the box activated and joins up to the main computer. When the connection has been made on the National wi-fi system (they are in many places so the signal will be no problem). A voice then comes over the speaker and says ‘you have two hundred and fifty pounds credit’ and it also shows on the digital readout ... “What?! Press it at 7 a m? That’s ridiculously early! And anyway, I’ll be getting ready to go to wor ... (16, 17) ... bleep! Ten pounds lost! ‘Correction, two hundred and forty pounds. Have a nice day’.
Yeah, fat chance of that, I have a pile of stuff sitting on my d ... ‘bleep! Ten pounds ... etc.
It is now up to the citizen. Their credit will be sent to their bank on the midnight of the following Saturday. Sunday is a free day and the scheme begins again at 6a.m on the Monday.
Smiling yet?
In a factory, air pressure can be measured with a device called a manometer ... so could negativity be measured by a moanometer?
The question is, how much would YOU Get at the end of the week?
Someone asked ‘if the user ends up on minus figures would you owe the Government?’
No, because it stops at zero and the user therefore gets nothing ... which is pain enough.
You see, it’s a very nice Government you have and told you, they only give you what you want.