SHABELSKY: Yes, I’ve been young and foolish, in my time I’ve played Chatsky12 and exposed rogues and swindlers, but I’ve never in my life called thieves thieves to their face or talked of the rope in a hanged man’s house. I was properly brought up. But your dim-witted doctor here would feel himself equal to his task and in a seventh heaven if fate, in the name of principle and the common ideals of mankind, gave him the opportunity to get me by the throat and wallop me publicly on the snout.
LEBEDEV: Young people are all temperamental. My uncle was a Hegelian13 ... so he used to have his house full of guests, get up on a chair and begin: ‘You’re all ignoramuses! You’re a dark force! The dawn of a new life!’ Ta-ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ... He really kept on giving it to them ...
SASHA: And what did the guests do?
LEBEDEV: Nothing ... They listened and drank. But once I challenged him to a duel ... my own uncle. It was over Francis Bacon.14 I remember, I was sitting, God help my memory, just as Matvey is now, and my uncle was standing with the late Gerasim Nilych just here, more or less, where Nikolasha is ... Well, my friend, Gerasim Nilych asks the question ...
[Enter BORKIN.]
V
[The same and BORKIN. He enters by the right-hand door, dressed very smartly, with a package in his hands, jumping up and down and singing. A buzz of approbation.]
[All together:]
YOUNG LADIES: Mikhail Mikhaylovich!
LEBEDEV: Michel Michelich!15 Talk of the devil ...
SHABELSKY: The life and soul of the party!
BORKIN: And here I am! [Runs up to Sasha.] Noble signorina, I make so bold as to congratulate the universe on the birth of so marvellous a flower as you ... As tribute of my rapture, I venture to present [gives her the package] fireworks and Bengal lights of my own manufacture. May they illuminate the night as you lighten the gloom of the kingdom of darkness. [Bows theatrically.]
SASHA: Thank you.
LEBEDEV [laughing, to Ivanov]: Why don’t you fire that Judas!
B0RKIN: [to Lebedev] Pavel Kirillych! [To Ivanov] Master ... [5Y»gs] Nicolas-voilà, ho-hi-ho! [He goes round everyone.] Most esteemed Zinaida Savishna ... Divine Marfa Yegorovna ... Most ancient Avdotya Nazarovna ... Most serene Count ...
SHASELSKY [laughing loudly): The life and soul of the party...Immediately he came in, the atmosphere loosened up. Did you notice?
BORKIN: Ouf, I’m exhausted ... I think I’ve greeted everyone. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what’s new? Is there nothing special, nothing that hits you in the face? [To Zinaida Savishna, animatedly] Oh, listen, mother ... I was driving to you just now ... [To Gavrila] Gavryusha, give me some tea, only no gooseberry jam! [To ZinaidaSavishna] I was driving to you just now and the peasants were stripping the willows on your river. Why don’t you farm out the willows?
LEBEDEV [to Ivanov]: Why don’t you fire that Judas?
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [alarmedly]: Yes, that’s true, it never came into my head ...
BORKIN [performing gymnastics with his arms]: I’ve got to be moving ... Mother, what could we put on that’s special? Marfa Yegorovna, I’m feeling on top of the world ... I’m in a state of exaltation. [Sings] ‘Afresh before thee I ...’
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Do organize something, we’re all bored.
B0RKIN: Ladies and gentlemen, why are you so glum? Sitting there like a jury after it’s been sworn in! ... Let’s think up something. What would you like? Forfeits, tug of war, catch, dancing, fireworks?
YOUNG LADIES [clapping their hands]: Fireworks, fireworks! [They run into the garden.]
SASHA [to Ivanov]: Why are you so boring today?
IVANOV: I’ve got a headache, Shurochka, and I’m bored ...
SASHA: Let’s go into the drawing-room.
[They go out of the right-hand door; everyone else goes out into the garden except ZINAIDA SAVISHNA and LEBEDEV.]
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Now there’s my idea of a young man: he’s only been here a minute and he’s cheered everyone up. [Turns down the biglamp.] While they’re all in the garden there’s no point in the candles burning uselessly. [Puts out the candles.]
LEBEDEV [walking behind her]: Zyuzyushka, we must give our guests something to eat ...
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Oh what a lot of candles ... that’s why people think we’re rich. [Puts them out.]
LEBEDEV: Zyuzyushka, really you should give people something to eat ... They’re young, and probably hungry, poor things ... Zyuzyushka...
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: The Count didn’t finish his glass of tea. The sugar’s just been wasted. [She goes out by the left-hand door.]
[LEBEDEV spits contemptuously and goes out into the garden.]
VI
[Enter IVANOV and SASHA.]
SASHA [entering with Ivanov by the right-hand door]: Everyone’s gone out into the garden.
IVANOV: That’s how it is, Shurochka. Once I worked hard and thought a lot but I never got tired; now I do nothing and think of nothing, but I’m tired in body and spirit. My conscience aches day and night, I feel deeply guilty but I don’t understand where I am actually at fault. And add to that my wife’s illness, my lack of money, the constant bickering, gossip, unnecessary conversations, that stupid Borkin ... My home has become loathsome to me and I find living there worse than torture. I’ll tell you frankly, Sasha, I can’t even stand the company of my wife who loves me. You are my old friend and you won’t be angry at my openness. I came to your house to find entertainment, but I’m bored here too, and I want to go home again. Forgive me, I’ll now quietly go away.
SASHA: Nikolay Alekseyevich, I understand you. Your unhappiness lies in the fact that you’re lonely. You need someone by you to love and understand you. Only love can renew you.
IVANOV: A great idea, Shurochka. It only remains for this sodden old rooster to strike up a new romance! God keep me from such a misfortune! No, my clever young thing, it’s not a question of romance. I say as before God that I will endure everything — depression and mental illness and ruin and the loss of my wife and premature old age and loneliness — but I cannot tolerate, cannot endure being ridiculous in my own eyes. I’m dying of shame at the thought that I, a healthy, strong man, have turned into some sort of Hamlet or Manfred,16 some sort of ‘superfluous man’17 ... devil knows precisely what! There are pitiful people who are flattered by being called Hamlet or superfluous men, but for me it’s a disgrace! It stirs up my pride, I’m overcome by shame and I suffer ...
SASHA[laughing but with tears in her eyes]: Nikolay Alekseyevich, let’s run off to America.
IVANOV: I feel too lazy to get to that door, and you’re talking about America ... [They go towards the doors to the garden.] Shurochka, your life here is really difficult. When I look at the people around you, I’m afraid: who could you marry here? There’s only the hope that some passing subaltern or student will steal you and carry you off ...
VII
[The same and ZINAIDA SAVISHNA.]
[Enter ZINAIDA SAVISHNA by the left-hand door with a pot of jam.]
IVANOV: I’m sorry, Shurochka, I’ll catch up with you ...
[SASHA goes out into the garden.]
Zinaida Savishna, I have a request to make of you ...
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: What do you want, Nikolay Alekseyevich?
IVANOV [stuttering]: You see, the fact is, the day after tomorrow is the payment date of my promissory note. You would oblige me extremely if you granted a deferment or allowed me to add the interest to the capital sum. At the moment I have absolutely no money ...
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [in a panic]: Nikolay Alekseyevich, how can you? What a way to behave! No, don’t argue, for God’s sake, don’t torment an unhappy creature ...
IVANOV: I’m sorry, I’m sorry ... [Goes out into the garden.]
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Lord how he frightened me! ... I’m all of a tremble ... all of a tremble ... [Goes out by the right-hand door.]
VIII
[KOSYKH.]
KOSYKH [enters by the left-hand door and crosses the stage]: I had in diamonds a
ce, king, queen and a sequence of eight, the ace of spades and one ... one little heart, and devil take the woman, she couldn’t declare a little slam! [Goes out by the right-hand door.]
IX
[AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA and FIRST GUEST.]
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA [coming out of the garden with the First Guest]: I’d like to tear her to pieces, the old skinflint ... I’d just like to tear her up! It’s no joke, I’ve been sitting here since five o’clock and she hasn’t even offered me a bit of elderly herring! ... What a house! ... What a household! ...
FIRST GUEST: It’s so frightfully boring that I’d simply like to run off and bang my head on a wall! And the Lord have mercy on us! ... You could howl like a wolf and start to devour people from sheer boredom and hunger ...
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: Sinner that I am, I’d like to tear her to pieces.
FIRST GUEST: I’ll have a drink, my old dear, and then — off home! I don’t need your brides. To hell with it, what kind of love is there to feel here if one hasn’t been offered a glass of vodka since dinner?
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: Let’s go and have a look, shall we ...
FIRST GUEST: Shh! ... Quietly. I think there’s some schnapps in the dining-room, it’s standing on the sideboard. We’ll get hold of Yegorushka ... Shh! ...
[They go out by the left-hand door.]
X
[ANNA PETROVNA and LVOV enter by the right-hand door.]
ANNA PETROVNA: Don’t worry, they’ll be pleased to see us. There isn’t anyone. They must be in the garden.
LVOV: Now why, I ask, have you brought me here to these birds of prey? This is not a place for you and me. Honest people ought not to have any knowledge of this atmosphere!
ANNA PETROVNA: Listen, Mr Honesty! It is impolite to escort a lady and to spend the whole journey talking to her solely about your own honesty! It may be honest, but at the very least it’s boring. Never talk to women about your own good qualities. Let them find out for themselves. When he was your age, my Nikolay, in the company of women, only used to sing songs and tell stories, but at the same time every woman knew what kind of a man he was.
LVOV: Oh don’t talk to me about your Nikolay, I understand him very well!
ANNA PETROVNA: You are a good man, but you understand nothing. Let’s go into the garden. He never used expressions like: ‘I am honest. This atmosphere oppresses me. Birds of prey. Owl’s nest. Crocodiles.’ He left the menagerie out of it, but when he got angry, then I only used to hear from him ‘Oh how unfair I was today!’ or ‘Anyuta, I’m sorry for that man.’ That’s how he was, but you ...
[They go out.]
XI
[AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA and FIRST GUEST.]
FIRST GUEST [coming out of the left-hand door]: It’s not in the dining-room, so it must be somewhere in the larder. We must get it out of Yegorushka. Let’s go through the drawing-room.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: I’d just like to tear her to pieces! ...
[They go out by the right-hand door.]
XII
[BABAKINA, BORKIN and SHABELSKY.]
[BABAKINA and BORKIN run in from the garden, laughing; SHABELSKY minces in after them laughing and rubbing his hands.]
BABAKINA: It’s so boring! [Laughs loudly.] So boring! They’re all walking about and sitting bolt upright as if they’d swallowed a ruler! All their bones have become stiff from boredom. [Jumps.] I must loosen up! ...
[BORKIN takes her by the waist and kisses her on the cheek.]
SHABELSKY [laughing and snapping his fingers]: The devil! [Grunts.] In a sort of way ...
BABAKINA: Let go, let go of my arms, you shameless man, or Lord knows what the Count will think. Get off! ...
BORKIN: Angel of my soul, carbuncle of my heart! ... [Kisses her.] Lend me two thousand three hundred roubles ...
BABAKINA: N-n-no ... Whatever you like, but as far as money is concerned — thank you very much ... No, no, no! ... Oh let go of my arms! ...
SHABELSKY [mincing about beside them]: The little Pompom ... She has her charms ...
BORKiN [seriously]: That’s enough. Let’s talk business and have a straightforward commercial discussion. Answer me directly, without fancy words and without any tricks: yes or no? Listen. [Points at the Count.] He needs money, at least three thousand per annum. You need a husband. Do you want to be a countess?
SHABELSKY [laughing loudly]: What an amazing cynic!
B0RKIN: Do you want to be a countess? Yes or no?
BABAKINA [agitatedly]: You’re making things up, Misha, really ... And these things aren’t done like that, with a bang and a thump ... If the Count wants to, he can himself and ... and I don’t see that so suddenly, all at once ...
BORKIN: Well, he’ll confuse the issue. It’s a business matter ... Yes or no?
SHABELSKY [laughing and rubbing his hands]: Is it actually happening? What the devil, are we really setting up this filthy business for me? Really? Little Pompom ... [Kisses Babakina on the cheek.] My delicious creature! ... My little pickle! ...
BABAKINA: Stop, stop, you’ve got me all frightened ... Go away, go away! ... No, don’t go away! ...
BORKIN: Quick! Yes or no? We haven’t time ...
BABAKINA: Do you know what, Count? You come and stay with me for a few days ... In my house we have fun, not like here ... Come tomorrow ... [To Borkin] You aren’t saying all this as a joke, are you?
BORKiN [crossly]: Who would joke about serious matters?
BABAKINA: Stop, stop! ... Oh, I feel faint! I feel faint! Countess ... I feel faint! I’m falling ...
[BORKIN and SHABELSKY, laughing, take her arms and lead her out by the right-hand door, kissing her cheeks.]
XIII
[IVANOV, SASHA, then ANNA PETROVNA. Ivanovand Sasha run in from the garden.]
IVANOV [clutching his head in despair]: Impossible! You mustn‘t, you mustn’t, Shurochka! ... Oh, you mustn’t! ...
SASHA [with exhilaration]: I love you madly ... There’s no sense in my life without you, no happiness, no joy! You are everything to me...
IVANOV: Why, why! Oh God, I understand nothing ... Shurochka, you mustn’t! ...
SASHA: When I was a child you were my only joy; I loved you and your spirit as I loved myself, and now ... I love you, Nikolay Alekseyevich ... I’ll go with you to the ends of the earth or wherever you want, even to the grave, only let it be quickly, for God’s sake, or else I’ll suffocate ...
IVANOV [bursting into happy laughter]: What’s all this? Do you mean, to begin life again? Do you, Shurochka? ... My happiness! [Draws her to him.] My youth, my freshness ...
[ANNA PETROVNA enters from the garden and seeing her husband and Sasha stops transfixed.]
Do you mean, to live? Do you? To go back to our task?
[They kiss. After the kiss IVANOV and SASHA look round and see Anna Petrovna.]
[Appalled.] Sara!
[Curtain.]
Act Three
Ivanov’s study. A desk with a clutter of papers, books, bundles of documents, knick-knacks, revolvers; by the papers are a lamp, a decanter of vodka and a plate with herring, pieces of bread and pickled gherkins. On the walls are maps, pictures, rifles, pistols, reaping-hooks, whips, etc. Midday.
I
[SHABELSKY, LEBEDEV, BORKIN and PYOTR. SHABELSKY and LEBEDEV are sitting on either side of the desk. BORKIN is midstage, astride a chair. PYOTR is standing by the door.]
LEBEDEV: France has a clear and defined policy ... The French know what they want. They just want to wipe out the Krauts, finish, but Germany, my friend, is playing a very different tune. Germany has many more birds in her sights than just France ...1
SHABELSKY: Nonsense! ... In my view the Germans are cowards and the French are cowards ... They’re just thumbing their noses at each other. Believe me, things will stop there. They won’t fight.
BORKIN: And as I see it, why fight? What’s the point of these armaments, congresses, expenditures? You know what I’d do? I’d gather together dogs from all over the country, give them a go
od dose of rabies2 and let them loose in enemy country. In a month all my enemies would be running rabid.
LEBEDEV [laughing]: Look at him, he has a small head, but it’s teeming with great ideas like the ocean with fish.
SHABELSKY: Genius!
LEBEDEV: Good luck to you and your jokes, Michel Michelich! [Stopping laughing.] So, gentlemen, ‘Jomini, Jomini, but not a tiny word about vodka.’3 Repetatur!4 [Pours three glasses.] Our good health ...
[They drink and eat.]
Mother herring is the queen of all zakuski.5
SHABELSKY: Actually, no, gherkins are better ... Scientists have been thinking since the creation of the world and they have invented nothing more brilliant than the gherkin in brine. [To Pyotr] Pyotr, go and bring some more gherkins and tell them in the kitchen to cook four little onion pies. Hot ones.
[PYOTR goes out.]
LEBEDEV: And it’s a good idea to send vodka down with some caviare. But caviare done how? Here you need some intelligence ... Take a quarter of pressed caviare, two heads of spring onion, olive oil, mix everything together, and just, you know, a squeeze of lemon over the lot ... It’s to die for! You’ll go crazy from just the aroma.