CHAPTER XII
It occurred to Gwendolyn that it would be a very good idea to stopturning stones. The first one set bottom-side up had resulted in thearrival of Jane. And whereas the Policeman had appeared when the secondwas dislodged, here, following the accidental stub of a toe, were thesetwo--the Piper and Thomas.
The Man-Who-Makes-Faces hurried across to her, his expression dubious."Bitter pill!" he exclaimed, with a sidewise jerk of the ragged hat."Gall and wormwood!"
"Oh, yes!" For--sure enough!--there _was_ an ill-flavored taste on herlips--a taste that made her regret having lost the candy.
Next, the Policeman came _tick-tocking_ up. "The scheme was to kidnapyou," he declared wrathfully.
"And keep me from finding my fath-er and moth-er," added Gwendolyn. Nowshe understood why Jane was so pleased with the choice of the automobileroad! And she realized that all along there was never any danger of herbeing kidnaped by _strangers_, but by the two who, their pastill-feeling evidently forgotten, were at this very moment chuckling andchattering together, ugly heads touching--the eary head and the headwith the double face!
Seeing the Policeman and the little old gentleman in conversation withGwendolyn, the Piper slouched over. "Look a-here!" he began roughly,addressing all three; "you're goin' to make a great big mistake if youantagonize a man that belongs to a Labor Union." (Just so had he spokenthe day he fixed the broken hot-water pipe.)
"Bosh!" cried the Policeman. "What do we care about _him!_ Why, he'llnever even get through the Gate!"
Gwendolyn was puzzled. _What_ Gate? And _why_ would Thomas not getthrough it? Then looking round to where he was conspiring with Jane, shesaw what she believed was a very good explanation: He would never evenget through the Gate because (a simple reason!) the _nurse_ would not beable to get through.
For by now Jane was not only as _round_ as a barrel, but she was fullyas _large_--what with so much happy giggling over Thomas's arrival.Moreover, having toppled sidewise, she _looked_ like a barrel--a barrelupholstered in black sateen, with a neat touch of white at collar andcuffs!
"He's been in trouble before," continued the Policeman, stormily. "But_this_ time--!" And letting himself down flat upon his head, he shookboth neatly shod feet in the Piper's face.
It was now that Gwendolyn chanced, for the first time, to examine thelatter's bundle. And was surprised to discover that it was nothing lessthan a large _poke-bonnet_--of the fluffy, lacy, ribbony sort. And shewas admiring it, for it was of black silk, and handsome, _when somethingwithin it stirred!_
She retreated--until the night-stick and the kidnaper knife were betweenher and the poke. "Hadn't we better be st-starting?" she falterednervously.
The Piper marked her manner, and showed instant resentment of it. "Thishere thing was handed me once in part-payment," he explained. "And Iain't been able to get rid of it since. Every single day it's harder tolug around. Because, you see, he's growin'."
At that, the Policeman and the Man-Who-Makes-Faces exchanged a glancefull of significance. And both shrugged--the Policeman with such anemphatic upside-down shrug that his shoulders brushed the ground.
Gwendolyn's curiosity emboldened her. "_He?_" she questioned.
"The pig."
_The pig!_ Gwendolyn's pink mouth opened in amazement. Here was the verypig that she heard _belonged_ in a poke!
The Piper was glowering at Jane, who was rocking gently from side toside, displaying first one face, then the other. "Well, _I_ call thatdancing," he declared. And pulling out a small, well-thumbedaccount-book, jotted down some figures.
Gwendolyn tried to think of something to say--while feeling mistrusttoward the Piper, and abhorrence toward the poke and its contents. Atlast she took refuge in polite inquiry. "When did you come out fromtown?" she asked.
The Piper grunted rather ill-humoredly (or was it the pig?--she couldnot be certain), and colored up a little. "I didn't _come_ out," heanswered in his surly fashion. Whereupon he fell to fitting a couplingupon the ends of two pipes.
"No?"--inquisitively.
"I--er--got run out."
"Oh!"
Again the Policeman and the Man-Who-Makes-Faces exchanged a significantglance.
"You see," went on the Piper, "in the City everybody's in debt. Well, Ihave to have my money, don't I? So I dunned 'em all good. Butmaybe--er--a speck _too_ much. So--"
"Oh, dear!" breathed Gwendolyn
"Of course, I've never been what you might call popular. Who _would_be--if everybody owed him money."
"Huh!" snorted the Policeman.
"You overcharge," asserted the little old gentleman.
Gwendolyn hastened to forestall any heated reply from the Piper. "Youdon't think your pig had anything to do with it?" she suggestedconsiderately. "'Cause do--do _nice_ people like pigs?"
"The pig was never in sight," asserted the Piper. "Guess that's onereason why I can't sell him. What people don't see they don't want tobuy--even when it's covered up stylish." (Here he regarded the pokewith an expression of entire satisfaction.)
The little company was well on its way by now--though Gwendolyn couldnot recall the moment of starting. The Piper had not waited to beinvited, but strolled along with the others, his birch-stemmedtobacco-pipe in a corner of his mouth, his hands in his pockets, and thepig-poke a-swing at his elbow.
Thomas, left to get Jane along as best he could, had managed mostingeniously. The nurse was cylindrical. All he had to do, therefore, wasto give her momentum over the smooth windings of the road by anoccasional smart shove with both hands.
Which made it clear that the likelihood of losing Jane, of leaving herbehind, was lessening with each moment! For now the more the nurselaughed _the easier it would be to get her along_.
"Oh, dear!" sighed Gwendolyn, with a sad shake of her yellow head asJane came trundling up, both fat arms folded to keep them out of theway.
"If she stopped dancin' where would I come in?" demanded the Piper,resentfully. The pig moved in the poke. He trounced the poor thingirritably.
The Man-Who-Makes-Faces now began to speak--in a curious, chantingfashion. "The mode of locomotion adapted by this woman," said he,"rather adds to, then detracts from, her value as a nurse. Think whatfacilities she has for amusing a child!--on, say, an extensive slope oflawn. And her ability to, see two ways--practically at once--gives herfurther value. Would _she_ ever let a young charge fall over a cliff?"
The barrel was whopping over and over--noiselessly, except for thefaint chatter of Jane's tortoise-shell teeth. Behind it was Thomas,limp-eared by now, and perspiring, but faithful to his task.
"The _best_ thing," whispered Gwendolyn, reaching to touch a raggedsleeve, "would be to get rid of Thomas. Then she--"
The Policeman heard. "Get rid of Thomas?" he repeated. "Easy enough._Look on the ground_."
She looked.
"See the h's?"
Sure enough, the road was fairly strewn with the sixth consonant!--bothin small letters and capitals.
"Been dropped," went on the Officer.
She had heard the expression "dropping his h's." Now she understood it."Oh, but how'll these help?"
"Show 'em to Thomas!"
She approached the barrel--and pointed down.
Thomas followed her pointing. Instantly his expression became furious.And one by one his ears stood up alertly. "It's him!" he shouted. "Oh,wait till I get my hands on him!" Then heaving hard at the barrel, heraced off along the alphabetical trail.
Gwendolyn was compelled to run to keep up with him. "What's thetrouble?" she asked the Man-Who-Makes-Faces.
"A Dictionarial difference," he answered, his dark-skinned face verygrave.
"Oh!" (She resolved to hunt Dictionarial up the moment she was back inthe school-room.)
Thomas was shouting once more from where he labored in the lead. "I'llmurder him!" he threatened. "This time I'll mur-r-der him!"
Murder? That made matters clear! There was only one person against whomThomas bore such hot ill-w
ill. "It's the King's English," she panted.
"It's the King's English," agreed the Policeman, _tick-tocking_ in rapid_tempo_.
She reached again to tug gently at a ragged sleeve. "Do _you_ know him?"she asked.
The round black eyes of the little old gentleman shone proudly down ather. "All nice people are well acquainted with the King's English," hedeclared--which statement she had often heard in the nursery. Now,however, it embarrassed her, for she was compelled to admit to herselfthat _she_ was not acquainted with the King's English--and he apersonage of such consequence!
The Piper hurried alongside, all his pipes rattling. "Just where are wegoin', anyhow?" he asked petulantly.
"We're going to the Bear's Den," informed the Man-Who-Makes-Faces.
"And here's the Zoo now," announced the Policeman.
It was unmistakably the Zoo. Gwendolyn recognized the main entrance. Forabove it, in monster letters formed by electric lights, was a sign,bulbous and blinding--
_Villa Sites Borax Starch Shirts._
"So _this_ is the Gate you meant!" she called to the Policeman.
The Gate was flung invitingly wide Thomas rushed toward it, his fourteenears flopping horribly.
"And here _he_ is!" cried the Policeman. "On guard."
The next moment--"'Alt!" ordered a harsh voice--a voice with an Englishaccent.
There was a flash of scarlet before Gwendolyn's face--of scarlet sovivid that it blinded. She flung up a hand. But she was not frightened.She knew what it was. And rubbed at her eyes hastily to clear them.
He stood in full view.
As far as outward appearance was concerned, he was exactly the lookingperson she had pictured in her own mind--young and tall and lusty, witha florid countenance and hair as blonde as her own. And he wore theuniform of an English soldier--short coat of scarlet, all gold braid andbrass buttons; dark trousers with stripes; and a little round cap with achin strap.
But he carried no cane. Instead, as he stepped forward, nose up, chinup, eyes very bold, he swung a most amazing weapon. It was as scarlet ashis own coat, as long as he was tall, and polished to a high degree. Butit was not unbending, like a sword: It was limber to whippiness, so thatas he twirled it about his blonde head it snapped and whistled. AndGwendolyn remembered having seen others exactly like it hanging on thebill-board at the Face-Shop. For it was a tongue!
"Aw! Mah word!" exclaimed the King's English, surveying the haltedgroup.
Gwendolyn could not imagine what word he had in mind, but she thoughthim very fine. With his air of proud self-assurance, and his finebrilliant uniform, he was strikingly like her own red-coated toy!Anxious to make a favorable impression upon him, she smoothed thegingham dress hastily, brushed back straying wisps of yellow,straightened her shoulders, and assumed a cordial expression ofcountenance.
"How do you do," she said, curtseying.
He saluted. But blocked the way.
"May we go into the Zoo, please?"
His hand jerked down to his side. "One at a time," he answered; "--allbut Thomas."
Thomas had come short with the others. Now as Gwendolyn looked at himshe saw that he, also, was armed with a tongue--a warped and twistedaffair, rough, but thin along its edges.
"If you try to keep me out," he cried, "I certainly _will_ murder you!"
At this juncture the Policeman pit-patted forward and took his stationat the left of the Gate. Next, the King's English stepped back until hestood at the right. Between them, hand in hand once more, passedGwendolyn and the Man-Who-Makes-Faces.
The Piper came next. "Call that a' English tongue?" he asked, with animpudent grin at the soldier's shining weapon.
"Yes, sir."
"Pah!"
Now Thomas gave Jane a quick shove forward--but a shove which sent heronly as far as the Gate.
The King's English stared down at her. "How are you?" he said coldly.
"I'm awful uncomfortable," was the mournful answer.
"Then take off your stays," he advised. Whereat the polished tongueglanced through the light, caught Jane fairly around the waist, andwith a swift recoil brought her to her feet!
And now Gwendolyn, astonished, saw that too much laughter had againremolded that sateen bulk. The nurse had grown woefully heavy about theshoulders--which put a fearful strain on the stitches of her bodice! andgave her the appearance of a gigantic humming-top! As she swayed amoment on her wide-toed shoes--shoes now utterly lacking buttons--theKing's English again struck out, caught her, this time, around the neck,and sent her spinning through the Gate!
"_Zing-g-g-g!_" she laughed dizzily--that laugh the high, persistentnote of a top!
Thomas attempted to follow. "I just _will_ come in," he cried, wieldinghis warped weapon with a flourish.
"You shall _not!_" To bar the way, the King's English thrust out hispolished tongue.
"I _will!_" _Crack! Crack!_
"You won't!" _Crack! Crack!_
The fight was on! For the combatants, tongue's-length from each other,were prowling to and fro menacingly.
"Oh, there's going to be a tongue-lashing," cried Gwendolyn, frightened.
"I'm the King's Hinglish!"--it was the soldier's slogan.
"This is me!" sang Thomas, saucily flicking at a brass button. His facewas all cunning.
Then how the tongues popped!
"This is I!" corrected the King's English promptly. But his face got atrifle more florid.
"Steady!" counseled the little old gentleman.
"I'm hall right," the other cried back.
"Oh, Piper!" said Gwendolyn; "which side are _you_ on?"
The Piper shifted his tobacco pipe from one corner of his mouth to theother. "I'm for the man that's got the _cash_," he declared.
There was no doubt about Jane's choice. Seeing Thomas's momentaryadvantage, she came spinning close to the Gate. "Use h-words, Thomas!"she hummed. "Use h-words!"
Thomas acted upon her advice. "Hack and hit and hammer!" he charged."Haggle and halve and hamper! Halt and hang and harass!"
"'Ack and 'it and 'ammer!" struck back the King's English, beginning tobreath hard. "Aggie and 'alve and 'amper! 'Alt and 'ang and 'arass!"
As the tongues met, Gwendolyn saw small bright splinters fly this wayand that--a shower of them! These splinters darted downward, fallingupon the road. And each, as it lit, was an h!
The Policeman was frightened. "Which is your best foot?" he called.
The King's English indicated his right. "This!"
"Then put it forward!"
"My goodness!" exclaimed Gwendolyn. "Am I seeing this, or is it justPretend?"
Thomas now warmed to the fray. "Harm!" he scourged, "Harness! Hash! Hew!Hoodwink! Hurt and hurk!"
"'Eavens!" breathed the King's English.
"Turn your cold shoulder," advised the little old gentleman.
The King's English thrust out the right. And it helped! "Oh, haychesdon't matter," he panted. "I'm hall right has long has 'is grammardoesn't get too bad." And off came one of Thomas's ears--a largeone--and blew along the ground like a great leaf.
That was an unfortunate boast. For Thomas, enraged by the loss of anear, fought with renewed zeal. "If you see he, just tell I!" he shouted.
The King's English went pallid. "If you see 'im, just tell me," hegasped, meeting Thomas gallantly--with the loss of only one splinter.
"Oh, I want you to win!" called Gwendolyn to him.
But the contest was unequal. That was now plain. The King's English hadpolish and finish. Thomas had more: his tongue, newly sharpened, cutdeep at each blow.
Unequal as was the contest, Jane's interference a second time made itmore so. For as the fighters trampled to and fro, seeking the better ofeach other, she twirled near again. "Try your _verbs_, Thomas!" shecounseled. "Try your verbs!"
Eagerly Thomas grasped this second hint. "By which I could was!" hecried, with a curling stroke of the warped tongue; "or shall am!"
At that, the King's English showed distressi
ng weakness. He seemedscarcely to have enough strength for another snap. "By w'ich I couldbe!" he whipped back feebly; "or shall 'ave been!" And staggeredsidewise.
Now the warped and twisted tongue began to chant past-participially: "Idone! I done!! I done!!!"
"'Elp!" implored the King's English, fairly wan. "Friends, this--thisfellow 'as treated me houtrageously for--for yaaws!"
"Oh, worser and worser and worser," pursued Thomas, changing suddenlyto adverbs.
"Rawly now--!" The King's English tottered to his knees.
"I _did_," prompted Gwendolyn, eager to help him.
"I did," repeated the King's English--but the polished tongue slippedfrom his grasp!
"I seen!" followed up Thomas. "I sung!" _Crack! Crack!_
It was the last fatal onslaught.
The scarlet-coated figure fell forward. Yet bravely he strove again togive tongue-lash for tongue-lash--by reaching out one palsied handtoward his weapon.
"I--I--s-a-w!" he muttered; "I s-s-s-ing!"--And expired, with his lastbreath gasping good grammar.
Instantly Thomas leaped the prostrate figure and strode to the Gate. Hewas breathing hard, but looking about him boldly. "Now _I_ comethrough," he boasted.
"O-o-o!" It was Gwendolyn's cry. "Officer, don't let him! _Don't!_"
In answer to her appeal, the Policeman seized Thomas by a lower ear andshoved him against a gate-post. "You've committed murder!" he cried."And I arrest you!"
"Tongue-tie him!" shouted the little old gentleman, springing to jerkThomas's weapon out of his hand, and to snatch up the nicked andsplintered weapon of the vanquished soldier.
Under the great blazing sign of the Zoo entrance the capture wasaccomplished. And in a moment, from his feet to his very ears, Thomaswas wrapped, arms tight against sides, in the scarlet toils of thetongues.
"So!" exclaimed the little old gentleman as he tied a last knot."Thomas'll never bother my little girl again." And taking Gwendolyn bythe hand, he led her away.
It was not until she had gone some distance that she turned to take alast look back. And saw, there beside the wide Gate, a rubber-plant, itslong leaves waving gently. It was Thomas, bound securely, and abandoned.
Yet she did not pity him. He had murdered the King's English, and hedeserved his punishment. Furthermore, he looked so green, so cool, soornamental!