I occasionally test him, which is a bit naughty of me, set him a moral conundrum and see how he copes, all in the guise of asking for direction. What would happen, Father, if you knew of a terrible sin, but were the only person to know of it? What if you knew no-one else would believe you even if you told someone? What should you do?
“You should find a way of redeeming that sin,” he replied.
Easier said than done, I replied. A fluffy answer.
“Look into yourself,” he said quietly. “You are a painter. Does the sin make you angry? Then use that anger to paint. Does it make you sad? Use that. Was it a sin against another person? Try to help them. Against yourself? Then try to forgive.”
But what if you can’t forgive?
“Then find a way to do so. True sinners often suffer worse fates than those they hurt. Like the murderer who receives a just punishment. Then forgiveness comes more easily.”
He has taught me much, the good father. I have come to rely on him greatly in the past year or so. He is a comforting presence, and has helped me more than he knows.
Come back early, if you will. There is a chill in the air first thing, and that suggests the weather is breaking up. There will be a storm soon, and that means bad light and slow progress. I need to get this all finished, otherwise the ending will be postponed for a week. You needn’t concern yourself, though: it is already too late to leave. The seas are too rough, and no boat will be able to take you back to the mainland for days.
DO YOU KNOW, I had a sleepless night last night? Nothing unusual about that, I suppose, but this was worse than usual. Much worse; I tossed and turned because I was angry. Not with you particularly, but with myself. I had this sudden horrible feeling that I had made a mistake.
I should have painted you outside. Not simply because the light would have shown up your character the better, but because it would have made you uncomfortable. The inside is your sphere. The drawing room, the gallery, the dining room, the restaurant. You are a creature of the interior. Outside in the fresh air you shrivel a little, become less than yourself, a touch uncertain. Afraid, even. That fear, I realise now, is part of you, always there but hidden deep down under your never-ending movement. What are you afraid of? Not other people, or at least not anyone you have yet met. Some circumstance you know you will one day encounter but which has not yet materialised. A hint, perhaps from that long week in Hampshire when I was painting that first portrait; your son was sitting on your lap—such a good, devoted father you are—and dropped a glass on the table. It shattered and dozens of shards of glass spun across the table, onto the floor. The noise was remarkable, I remember. It didn’t just break, it positively exploded. An expensive glass, too; good crystal, a present from your wife’s family. Some of the fragments scudded across the table towards you. And do you know what I saw?
Let me tell you. You moved your child—both hands round his waist—you moved him very quickly a few inches as you turned your head away. But not to safety; not out of the way of the shining, twinkling fragments. Into their path. You moved your own child’s body so he would serve as a shield. Oh, ’twas but a moment, but I saw it, although I forgot it immediately afterwards. It couldn’t be right, could it?
Yes it could. You were prepared to use the body of a three-year-old boy to protect yourself. It was an instinctive response, a tunnel which suddenly opened up, allowing a little light to fall onto your soul. An incident of perhaps one part of a second, maybe less, before the tunnel closed once more. A laugh, a jocular remark, a good-natured reassurance that the boy was not to mind; it was only a glass. Tousled his hair. The servants called in to sweep up the mess. Another glass brought; the child sent out to play in the garden once he had been checked to make sure no sharp fragments had lodged in his clothes.
It doesn’t make any difference. Or does it? Why do I feel that half a second cannot be erased by hours, days, years of different behaviour? Why is it that half a second gives the lie to a reputation for fearless courage and audacity, built up over so many years? Because it is the truth, and because the child knows it too. It is his inheritance from you, that moment. Whatever is beyond your control frightens you; that is why you must control everything and everyone. That’s why I should have painted you outside. Above all here, where there is nothing but nature, and when the storms come, they are violent beyond your imagining. Not the storms of paintings, not the colourful storms of Turner, or the well-behaved and disciplined storms of someone like Vanderwelde; not something that can be neutered by three-quarters of an inch of frame. Not beautiful, either; that is a misconception. Real storms are ugly and brutal; there is little pleasing aesthetically in them; their appeal goes much deeper.
We are coming into the storm season. Shortly, perhaps even tomorrow, we will go for a walk, you and I, along the cliffs. Don’t look so worried; we will wrap up well, and face your fears together, stand in the howling gale and shout our defiance at all the uncontrollable forces in the world. You must not turn me down, you will never have the opportunity again; it is a once in a lifetime offer that I am making. It will be worth it.
Shortly after I arrived here, you see, I was down at Madame Le Gurun’s by the port during one of those storms. I had walked down there to see if there was any bread, but didn’t realise quite how quickly the weather can deteriorate, nor how long the storms can go on. So I thought that I would have a drink and sit it out for an hour or so. It made me feel quite foolish; the storm eventually blew itself out after three and a half days. I stayed only for three hours before boredom drove me out into the worst of the rain, to walk home. How I made it I don’t know, because it was pitch black and the wind was too strong for any lantern.
I got lost, and wandered too near the cliff face. Not much of a cliff, as you will see. Quite a gentle, low thing; you can scramble down to the beach in good weather, when the tide is out, and arrive scarcely even breathless. At night, in a storm, when the tide is pounding waves against the rocks, it is another matter entirely. One slip and you’d be gone; I nearly went. I was more petrified than I had ever been before in my life, and when I got home, the fire was out and a window had blown in; my papers were soaking and all over the place. A few hours of weather had reduced my life to ruins and had cut me down to a shivering, whimpering carcase. I needed a fire, urgently. And I needed to block the window. I used sketch pads for one, and a canvas I’d been working on for the other. My art saved me; the first time, to be frank, it had ever been of any use at all. I recommend both, by the way; sketch pads are good quality paper and burn well; canvas thickly covered in oil paint is a perfect way of keeping out the rain.
I ramble; my point was that while I was in the bar, a fishing boat came in, and the crew tumbled in for hot brandy to revive themselves. They were exhausted, exhilarated. The wildness of the storm had communicated itself to them. Their eyes burned, and their faces had been lashed by the rain into beauty. Even their movements had an extraordinary elegance; after fighting against the sea for many hours, moving across a room, lifting a glass, talking in a normal voice was absurdly easy. There was a life in them that burned all the more brightly because it had come close to being snuffed out altogether. And their women responded to it as well; even the most shrewish of them gathered round with renewed interest, touching them and showing in countless little ways that they were aroused by the danger. I bet that, even though some of the men were so tired they could barely stand, that many a baby was conceived that night. Storm babies, they are called.
Good life; bad art. I studied them carefully as they sat there, talking so quietly and with such animation. The high-flushed colouring of their cheeks, the animation of their eyes, their movements alternating between quickness and langour—but the langour of exhaustion, not the drawing room variety of the bored. Such ugly pictures they would have made. Those excessive colours, those poses which would be so absurd once the movement was taken out of them. You could produce a fine picture, but it would have been such a poor reflection of
the reality it would scarcely be worthwhile.
How to put into paint the steam rising from their clothes, the palpable mixture of excitement and relief, the fear and the exhaustion? Not the physical tiredness; that is fairly straightforward, though still hard to do. I mean the spiritual exhaustion of someone who has faced death and been reprieved. Someone who has to confront the fact that being alive is the thoughtless gift of the unknowing, uncaring sea. Or of God, if you prefer it, as they probably do. It cannot be done, because paintings exist only in the beholder’s mind, and few people have any understanding of such violence. Such a picture would register only within the limited repertoire of the gallery viewer. They would see the squalor of the bar, the filth of the clothes, the unshaven tiredness of the men. And would put it in the tradition of genre pictures, stretching back to the Dutch, or liken it to one of those sentimental confections of the Victorians, The Sailors’ Rest, or some such.
And yes, I did paint it, because I was ashamed that I was still reluctant to take a chance. I worked for weeks on it, and I am proud of the result. It is the finest thing I have ever done, for I nearly fell off the cliff that night, and I had some glimpse of what true terror, and true relief, is like. I captured it in my painting.
Here it is; underneath this old pile of canvas. I won’t ask you what you think; I don’t care, anyway. Yes, I know; it is small, compact. Focussing entirely on two of the men, and one of the women. You see how they are huddled; the slope of their shoulders turning in on themselves? It is the colouring I am proud of most; bright blues and greens; none of the dark interior browns I would have used in the past. I have painted heroes, the equal of the Greek myths, men who have battled the gods and survived. Not the downtrodden and oppressed poor, not people you are meant to feel sorry for. You don’t see it, I am sure. I can tell by your eyes. But you have never felt fear; the nearest you have come was a few fragments of glass scudding towards you across a mahogany table. You have missed something important in your life; perhaps we might rectify it before you leave. As I say, I intend to show you a storm, and there will be one before tomorrow is out.
YOU MUST ADMIT I was right about the weather. Clear blue sky one day, and the next day—this; all the more impressive for being so immediate. It’s cosy enough in here at the moment, mind; you will not shiver while you are with me. We will sit here in the warmth for all the world as if nothing is going on outside at all. Don’t you find the noise of the wind enthralling? It sounds sometimes as though the whole house is going to be ripped off its foundations and blown out to sea. You can feel the walls shake, and the screaming of the wind outside is sometimes deafening. You wait; we’re a long way from the peak yet.
But you must be chilly from the walk over, even if you are bundled up in coats and sweaters and scarves. Have you ever travelled anywhere without catering for every possible type of weather? I bet you have full morning dress back at Madame Le Gurun’s, just in case. Have a glass of wine to warm you up. I’ve warmed it slightly by the fire, added a few extra ingredients such as you need on a day like this. Drink it down! There’s plenty more, and it will make all the difference.
I am nearly done with you, you’ll be glad to hear. I think this will be your last day. The finishing glazes, the last touches I can add later. I would prefer you not to be here in any case; the final manipulation of you into what I want is best done from memory, for that is the moment the picture leaves reality and approaches something altogether superior.
Yes, I have finally made up my mind. In a month or so I will pack up here and re-enter the world. It is time, and my demons are exorcised—will be, at any rate, after today.
Why today? Because today I finish. Finishing with you and going back to London are one and the same, it seems. Now I fully understand why I left in the first place. Of course, it was Evelyn who was the trigger, perhaps you have realised that already, but she was not the whole reason.
I never could figure out when exactly you decided she was an enemy. Did it start that day in the atelier? Over Sarah Bernhardt? Because she didn’t want to be part of your circle of admirers? It was a long time before it took form. Let us return to that look of yours as you examined her first sketch in the atelier; that confusion I tried so hard to understand. First the look of appreciation. She was a handsome woman in her frailty; beautiful, even, in the right light; her wispiness made one want to sweep her up and protect her, or crush her. They are the same impulse. She was tall; light brown hair done up quite primly in a way that suggested an attempt to hide deeper passions, pretending to be respectable. You appreciated that; there was some attraction.
That was part of the glance; the underlying first element. Then there was another level; the preparation of scorn. No-one you found attractive could possibly paint at all well, so you readied yourself to be patronising. A compliment. Not at all bad, my dear. Really; I have seen a lot worse. You have some talent. . . .
And then the third layer, one of confusion and shock as you looked at her sketch of that pathetic arrangement and realised that all your instincts were quite wrong. She could draw. In a few simple lines she had caught those objects, pinned them down and made something miraculous out of them. Yes, yes, the technique was faulty, the skill had not been learned. But there was something there you didn’t expect to see, and it threw you into temporary silence. And when you did offer some comments, she scarcely heard them. She was studying what she had done and had no time for what anyone else thought.
A fault. A definite fault, so I had learned over the years. You must always listen to what other people have to say; anyone can make a useful comment, even a critic. She listened to you, but was not convinced; was not persuaded you were sole possessor of the truth. The attraction, the ability, and the deafness to your words. The three vital elements which could slowly brew up into enmity. Listen to that wind! Blowing up nicely now. More wine? Are you beginning to feel warmer? More relaxed?
I often wish I had given different advice about that exhibition at the Chenil, or that she hadn’t listened to me. I wish I had told her to turn it down. Show your pictures to individuals only; wait awhile; the opportunity will come again, when you are truly ready for it. But I didn’t; I said I thought she should grab the chance with both hands because that is what I would have done. But then, I did listen to other people’s opinions, moulded my work to what they wanted. She took my advice, but had I not been the advocate she probably would have turned the chance down, and would not have exposed herself to you.
You do not attack merely for the pleasure of it. I must give you credit; you normally take no joy in the public demonstration of your power, as long as you have it. You could write filthy reviews of many an artist; live in London and you are spoiled for choice. But you do not. Your silence is comment enough. Yet with Evelyn you acted out of character. What you did seemed unnecessary. The greatest critic in the land going out of his way to pulverise an artist who is scarcely known? Why bother?
Oh, it was effective; a little masterpiece. So many half truths, hidden bits of violence strung together into a seamless quilt of polite invective. And funny! You deployed the one thing Evelyn was truly afraid of, to be ridiculed. “It is regrettable that the posturings of the well-born female should now be accorded the privilege of public exhibition, when once they surfaced only when the men had been left to their brandy.” “There may be a few who find genius in mediocrity; this reviewer, alas, is immune to its charms. . . .” “There are failures that are complete, and failures that are partial, tho’ if anyone paints enough, consistency in poorness cannot be assured.” You see, I can recall every word.
And then the demolition of the pictures; every bit as thorough as the job you did on poor Anderson. Except that you tried too hard; you overstretched yourself, and strove for effect. No metaphor left undoubled, no sentence simply put. When you took Anderson to pieces your language was spare; this was florid. With him you were direct and spoke in words unadorned; with Evelyn no literary device—and you are master o
f them all—was unused. But it was empty, your abuse. No reason was given for your opinions, no arguments were advanced. You did not prove her inadequacy, merely asserted it.
For the first time in all the years I had known you, you had lied. You stepped over an invisible but crucial line. I had long had my doubts about the importance you gave yourself, but I could never before claim that you were anything other than an honest man. With that article you entered the darkness of calumny and deceit. The last threads of loyalty snapped, completely and irrevocably. You lost your protection, the only thing which gave immunity from vengeance. The only thing which had always made me forgive you.
Because her paintings were good. You knew they were good, and you had known it ever since you first met her. You unleashed your power in an ignoble cause, to protect and advance yourself alone. You became an outlaw, acknowledging no restraint but your own power. You sinned against the very art you existed to protect and nourish. And you know what I think about sin. And punishment, of course. Let me fill your glass once more. I see the colour coming back into your face nicely now.
It wasn’t even about her pictures, was it? Nor even your desire that there should be no challenges to those French-men you were championing. Nor even her dismissive attitude to you. Had it not been a review of her exhibition, you would have found something else. Some humiliation, some slight, the more public the better. Because you were frightened, desperate. You thought the triumph that you had just won might be torn from your grasp, that your reputation might be ruined.