Ryn is left standing alone in the middle of the training room. He stands there oddly silent while wiping blood from his mouth.
“The two of you, seem so close,” I said breaking the silent.
Ryn seems startled and immediately turns around to face me.
He smiles a little, “Despite her fierce nature. Princess Larra has a soft heart,” he says calmly, “She cares for everyone,” he adds resignedly.
And especially you, I add.
He looks his clothes, like he just noticed the state of his attire, “I look terrible,” he lets out a sad smile, “Please excuse me, my lady,” he give me a final bow and he too start to leave the room.
I run to him and give him a small hug, like what he did to the princess. “Be safe!” I say. We are friend after all, “And please come back alive,” I add.
He looks at me oddly as if want to say something. But in the end, he nods and says nothing, then leaving me standing alone.
***
Clouded sky above is grey in color. Wind is blasting as if from all direction. The day, Ryn and Malvin go to the north finally comes. People gather in the front yard to bid them goodbye. And I am one among them. Many members of royal family are here too, but the empress and both the crown prince and Princess Larra aren’t.
Royal banners, golden dragon and silver eagle, are flying following the wind. Ryn, Malvin and Princess Vianna mount their horse in the front of the column, deep in conversation with an old man who I don’t know who. Twenty mounted knights are following behind them. They are all come from the noble family, younger sons maybe. More than two hundred soldiers will join them in Naqari, one of the Giant Wall’s gate-cities.
The old man is bowing and retreats back now. From his high seat, Malvin throws his casual smile here and there, but I can see it not reach his eyes. While his mother, Princess Vianna, sits stoic in his horse again.
Who’s that man?
I see Ryn gives order to some knights. From the news I know, besides the beastly animals from the east, Prince Wang also use a strange arrow made in the west. People said it can shoot fire. I know it might be true since I have read it somewhere too.
Why the empress didn’t go full force? What is she waiting for?
I cannot hold back my tears, this maybe the last time I will see them alive, there is sharp pain inside me. It in a place where they says the heart is. They are my friends. From my blurry eyes, I can see Ryn makes flicking motion in his cheek and his gaze is in my direction. So, I erase my tear following his wish. I smile wobbly and he smile back hesitantly.
After preparation and provision all ready, they depart not long after, they ride in two columns Ryn and Malvin lead the way. We follow them just beyond the gate, seeing them draw further until dust is the only thing I can see.
Gradually people back inside the palace. I warp my rode tightly against the blasting wind, and briskly walk inside. In the hall inside, hidden between two big potted palm trees, I hear faint sobbing. I walk to the palm, and see Lady Blyn huddled up to her knee, hiding her face. She seems very dejected.
I crouched near her and softly touch her arm. She looks at me with eyes full of tears.
“Grandmama and the others won’t die, right?” Lady Blyn asks in between her sob.
I just remember that Princess Vianna is her paternal grandmother.
“Of course she won’t, my lady,” the truth is I am not sure but I pray to the Gods they will safe.
“Grandmama is very old,” she is wailing loudly then. I hold her in my arm, it is the only thing I can do, for I feel sad too. I care for them now. Both Ryn and Malvin are my close companion in this palace. Especially Ryn, he is my first friend here.
***
I stand lifelessly in my place inside the throne room, attending the court once again. Many days have been passed since they depart to the north. The mild spring weather grows hotter day by day, and summer will comes soon.
My heart beats faster now every time news from the north comes to the court. But today there is no news from the war. Another news form different place comes instead. It is news from the south, the news about the lost soul. It is said they are helping the villagers chasing pirates in south shore. The news bringer is a Ice Blessed. She is the head of the Blessed band that was placed in south. She is in her late thirty I guess. Her duty is to patrol the south shore and fight the pirates whenever they come ashore. The empress is so enraged by the news. She nearly strangled the news bringer with her own silver-gold collar. Like Prince Lex did to Manz before. From my history lesson, I know that only ones with Varr name can do that and only a male Varr can bind a Blessed, like he did to me in my ascension ceremony. This is why they didn’t bind the royal. They only bind the ones that come from outside their family.
Come to think about this lost soul, it seems they care for the people too. They are a puzzle to me. I am not sure whether they are completely bad people. But of course I won’t say it aloud lest in front of the empress.
Back from the court, I visit the library and take another old scroll written in hieroglyph. I bring it to my room, walking through the corridors, up the stair. As I open the door, I find Marie is there, sitting in my window sill, looking at the land beyond. I put the scroll in the shelf. Seeing me, Marie hops down from the window, and calls the servant for tea and cake.
“Do you think she is afraid of them?” I ask Marie about what happened in court this morning.
“It’s not them, the one, she afraid of,” she says with a sight and little wary.
“I heard tale from Ma…” I catch myself from naming the prisoner, “… from one of the soldier. He says that there is another Varr out there.”
“The late crown prince’s son?”
“So, you do know about it?”
She is looking around briefly and says, “I heard it from somewhere too. Many people speculate about this elusive prince.”
“Do you think he truly exists?”
Marie shakes her head, “I don’t know. Will we have civil war again?” she asks morosely.
I am asking that same question too since the day Manz told me about that hidden prince. It is funny, he might not even real or the empress might have him killed long time ago. But if that the case, why she seems so distraught wherever the news from the come?
Soft knocks come from the door, and the servant brings tea and cake.
“I pray to the Gods. It won’t happen,” I answer wearily.
Marie nods while sipping her tea, and I leave mine untouched, though.
“Why don’t you eat?” she looks at me puzzled and taste the cake, “It taste define.”
I nod but my hand unable to move. Looking as tempting as it is I cannot bring myself to take one.
“I better leave you alone. You seem unwell,” she says, feeling sorry for me.
After I can’t hear her footsteps as she draw further. I take Marie place on the window sill. I see the horizon turn from blue, to yellow, then red in the west. Night comes, and faint purplish-blue light smeared in the night sky above. It is almost summer now, the holy fire’s glow less vivid as the summer approaches. It fading slowly and reappeared in the dark midnight blue sky, it dimmed and brightens in turn.
Light and shadows. Suddenly I remember a verse from “history of Prince and Shadow” book that I’ve red two months ago.
“Light casts shadows,
Without only darkness left,”
Gods have mercy, isn’t that mean the Shadows will disappear if ‘Light’ went off? Isn’t this mean both Ryn and Malvin will die if Prince Lex dies? Is that why they become no one for their life is not their own but tied up with their master?
Oh Gods.
I run frantically to the library. The steward still there when I burst opens its door. He seems startled but let me in and run without any question. Gingerly I pick the book, and put it on the table.
I just stare at it for a long time, steeling myself.
I open it, scanning it. And I tear
run down my cheek. It feels hot on my skin.
I walk back to my room in a trance. And once again sit on the window sill, looking up the sky.
I sigh softly, see stars above, how small they are and seem so insignificant. I open the window and a strong breeze pass through, hits my face with vengeance.
It must be true, for after each prince death, no record of their Shadows anywhere. They disappear along with their master.
Is this why he seems so bitter sometimes?
But no matter what we wish, it is late now. We cannot take off our bind, it is our life and without it we will die.
I gingerly touch my collar, trace the pattern of the dragon’s scale and feel its cold metal surface. Only a Varr’s can takes it from my body but my soul will go with it. This collar, will be here until I draw my last breath.
***
Todays the sky is bright sapphire blue. For once, before I go to the training room, I take a stroll around the palace. I wear green colored tunic and wide skirt with a thin silver robe, enjoying the warmth of the morning sun and gust of crisp winds. Birds are chirping melodically in faraway trees.
I just realized how large the palace is, it takes more than an hour to make a round in leisure pace. After that, I go to my room to change my clothes and rearrange my hair in simple knot, then continue to go to the training room.
To my surprise, I find that Prince Lex is already there in his simple maroon clothes.
I bow my customary bow.
“Larra won’t be here, so bear with me,” he says coldly.
She seems always in foul mood these days. And I know why.
We shortly begin out training, I take my stance near the window and Prince Lex stands about twenty feet away. We train for about an hour when the prince tells me to take a rest.
I erase the sweat in my forehead and start to stretch my muscle when I hear the price says, “Have you heard news from the north?”
“I have, your highness,” it good news this time, the small victory over a battle near one of the Shan River many fords. A victory is a victory no matter the size of the battle. It lifts the soldiers’ spirit. It is also reported that many peasant near the river join the army now.
“Ryn is really a good leader, it seems,” he smiles, a sad smile, “Don’t you think so?”
“Yes, your highness. He is.”
“Then, it makes me a petty if I envy him.”
It shocks me a little. How can he possible envy with anyone?
But I remember my sister.
“No, your highness,” I say in strong voice, “Even the noblest of person not free from envy,” I know envy. It is not a stranger to me.
He looks at me strangely.
“Do you ever envy of your sister?”
“Yes, I do,” I say honestly.
“I see. You and I. We are same in that regards.”
I get confused, “Your sister, your highness?” I want to kick myself. Of course it is Ryn he meant.
He lets out a chuckle. The prince looks less scary when he smiles.
“No, not my sister. What absurd thing. My Shadows, I mean.”
It is good to see him not in his usual angry mood.
“Sometimes, I wish I am a Shadow instead the prince.”
I just stay silent, pondering what to say.
“Ryn, I love and envy him the most.”
He looks at me intently but I still cannot think something to say.
“He is better than me at everything,” he adds bitterly.
I know that feeling too. I love and envy my twin sister the most. And she is better than me at everything.
“The sad thing is he not even tries to. In fact he even tries to look less. And I hate him for that,” he pauses for a while, “You like him better too, don’t you?”
“Of course not, your majesty,” I say hastily and bow my head hiding from his prodding look.
“What a loyal subject you are. A liar to boot. At least your sister is an honest one.”
“My sister?”
“You don’t know about them, I take.”
Them? Ryn and my sister? Is he the one my sister loves?
“Your sister, she died because of me,” he says in calm voice. “Ryn, I love him like a brother. But he run off with your sister,” there is hate in his eyes. “I, the prince, plead him not to. He said goodbye to me. Off to the west sea, they went. Freedom they called it.”
Freedom? The west? Oh Gods, no… Suddenly, the memory of many sweet lies I told my sister about the Westland flooding me. Please, no. The image of them is pained me.
“What he want me to do then?”
He come closer to me and grips my shoulder. His grip strong yet gentle.
“What you did, your highness?” I ask in small bleak voice.
He let out another bark of laughter. “Like a good boy, I told my mother, of course,” I see a glint, hint of tear in his eyes, “I just want them to come back. I didn’t mean… My mother got angry. She wanted them dead. And your sister, your foolish sister…”
He is silent for a while, “She foolishly take the arrow meant for him,” I see pain in his voice.
Did he love her too?
But the image of my sister died in Ryn arm comes with vengeance.
I’m sorry.
“Do you hate me now?”
I just shake my head as an answer. I hate myself more than you, my prince.
It wasn’t you, she died because of me, I want to say. I am the one who plan a dream of freedom in her head. So, it was me all along. Please forgive me.
“Liar. He hates me now.”
I raise my hand to erase a single tear that flow in his cheek but he stops me mid-air.
“How dare you! Don’t pity me!”
Out of sudden, he pulls me closer and takes my head in his hands, cupping my cheeks. He draws closer, then he kisses me.
Chapter 10
He kisses me softly, just brief touch of lips. And I let him. He kisses me more. It tastes like tears, our tears.
He ends it as quickly as he started it, “I won’t say sorry for this,” he says. Then, he goes, leaving me alone, rooted in my place.
Gingerly I touch my lips. The feel of him is still there.
Why?
I shake my head, trying to gather my wit. In daze, I walk back to my room.
I sit on window sill staring blankly at the sky above. My thought goes back to my sister.
Sister, I am sorry.
So, it is him the one she loved. Somehow, it did not surprise me. Maybe deep down I know it was him, the gallant and gentle knight of your story.
I taste salt that is my tears, it run down from my eyes pass to my lips.
Sorry, is only thing I could say. Even in my wildest dream I never suspect it would come to this. Freedom, the dream of freedom, I never thought it would be such dangerous thing. No use regret it now, I shouldn’t dwell on the past.
Sister, I wish you in heaven with the Gods now.
***
Morning light greets me with its glare and I touch my belly and feel hunger.
It must be well pass dawn now.
I skip lunch and dinner yesterday. Swiftly, I get up from my bed and call the servant for hot meal. I put my robe and walk to the window, looks at sky above. It is brilliant blue with cotton like clouds floating around.
The servant comes back with a tray of food. She put it on the table and gives me a message from Prince Lex.
“Meet me at front yard in two hours,” he writes. His handwriting looks beautiful like him.
I sit down, facing the food on the table, but the hunger is long gone. I force myself to take few spoons and call the servant soon after.
The servant comes shortly in hurried steps. She helps me wear my attire and arrange my hair. Today, I choose peach colored tunic with butterflies embroidery. This is nearly summer, it should be times for flowers and happiness. It is times for hearty laugh instead of sad tears and worried mind.
> I go down to the front yard as the prince commanded. I go slowly feeling soft breeze that bring sweet smell of red roses nearby. The prince is waiting in the yard, talking with the grooms. His clothes are less princely than usual. He wears simple tunic and trouser with the color of new leaf.
“You will be my ridding companion from now on,” he announces.
He then commands the groom to prepare our horses.
“Where we will go, your highness?”
“To the city or anywhere… outside the palace,” his tone is amiable not like usual, and he adds, “And don’t call me ‘your highness’. Lex is sufficed.”
Why? Is it because he kissed me yesterday?
I stare at him in disbelief, “But–”
“Unless you want to draw people attention,” he cuts me.
I nod. It is just part of his guise. I see it now.
We mount our horses and ride slowly down following the royal road. The road is dusty and sun is scorching above us. After few minutes we go little faster, the road is little less steeped now. We pass through Shaga Mountain’s many peaks, the road is winding and finally we draw near the base of the mountain.
The trees, wind and view ahead, it feels good to be outside again. Houses spread sparsely and become denser as we near the city. Many people, carriages and carts are passing by, and once again, we slowdown our horses. The city is busy, I see children are playing in the park and merchants are selling their good. How I miss this mundane things.
“Where we are going now, your…” I stop myself before I call him, your highness again.
He gives me a small smile.
“Where do you want to go? It’s been so long since you were here, isn’t it?”
Where? Home?
Before I can give him an answer he adds, “Not your home surely,” as if he can read my mind.
I decide that we should go to Uncle Yezi shop. This shop sells many goods from beyond this city even from beyond this empire, from food ingredient to the latest fashion. They arrange the goods in tall shelves.
Usually in this time of the day, there are many prospective buyers. And it is a good thing I suppose, since people won’t take notice of us too keenly.
In this shop, people can go inside the shop to browse and pick the good, they want to buy, by themselves. Thanks Gods Prince Lex agrees with my suggestion. I might see Zeta there because she often helps her uncle to keep an eye to his shop. And in return he will give her pocket money or in exchange of the good she wants in his shop.
We tie our horses in post nearby and we proceed go inside the shop. A male servant, in brown robe, greets us as soon as we step inside. He seems remember me but he keep his mouth shut.