“I know about both of you.” I reach for his hand, “And I am sorry,” I add.
His face is hardened.
“And how about your lover?” he asks, his voice hard.
This time it is I who taken aback.
“Do you really thing I don’t know about you and Prince Lex?” he jerks his head, pointing in tents direction, many people are there. “People talk. And they don’t believe you.”
“Will you believe me if I say he scares me?”
Please forgive me, my prince.
He searches my eyes. And for a while we just sit there, our gaze still locked.
In silent acquiescence, he rises on his feet.
“Keep your act then.” He lends his hand to me to helps me stand up. “Gorm clan people are here. Your cousins too.”
My cousins? Which ones?
I brush sand in my skirt, looking down and thinking. I know Lady May’s people but all my cousins are in the city. Then, I remember my father rambling, back in the palace, about his rebel cousins. It seems some of them still alive.
I look at him again, and nod. Of course I will keep the act.
Ryn leads me to his tent. It is in the far south, far from others. We walk passing many curious eyes but they say nothing. We arrive at a lone tent in the south of the bay. It made of muddy colored fabric.
I enter the tent. The ceiling is quite high, I can walk without stooping inside. And I see that my little possession is already there, lying in the corner.
“Wait here, my lady.” He turns but I stop him, catching his arm.
“Isn’t it weird if you keep calling me ‘my lady’?”
He nod and says, “Ava then.”
I follow him outside. I see his retreating back until he lost in the midst of tents. Looking around, I see that this is secluded spot, right below the big cliff in the south of the bay.
At least, I will save from prying eyes here.
I come back inside. This tent is bigger than most of other tents. It is about thirty feet square but still too small compared what I used to. Maybe live in the palace spoiled me. I can help comparing this tent with my room there, which is more than ten times bigger.
Looking around, I see that there is no furniture inside save a small table in the center. I see a candle glass lamp is hanged in the ceiling, and a deer skin rug covering the floor. On the other side of the tent, there is a makeshift mattress.
The mattress is made of many layers of thick wool. It means to be simple, easy to make and to dispose. I sit there, hugging my knees. This life is so foreign for me. It is a harsh life they lead. And I am one of them now.
Hearing the sound of waves, I want to go out but I know they still haven’t fully trust me and I am weary of those stares. So, I decide to stay here in silent. I am not ready now. Tomorrow, I will start my quest.
It starts getting dark. I lit the glass candle and I hear a soft sound of flapping fabric of the tent’s door. Ryn finally comes. He brings a bowl of fish soup and rice cake.
“Eat this,” he sits beside me in the bed.
“Thank you,” I say.
I take it and eat in silent. It tastes good or maybe because I feel so hungry.
From the corner of my eyes, I see Ryn’s little smile. I slow down and try to eat like a lady.
“Finish?” he asks, taking the bowl and starts to rise on his feet.
“Please take me,” I plead, stopping him.
I see amusement in his eyes.
Then, I realize that it is sound bad. I blush furiously. We are supposed to do that, aren’t we? Of course, people think we are lover.
“I mean… Can I go out now?” I stutter, “I have nothing to do here,” I add hastily.
“It’s already dark outside,” he looks at me but he relented finally.
He rises and stands on his feet. “It’s windy outside. Please take your cloak with you, Ava,” he says.
It feels strange hear the sound of my name from his mouth.
I hastily take my cloak and go out with him. There are still many people outside, gathering in front of bonfire. I see the moon is still big and bright above.
I squeeze my cloak tightly bracing the gust of sea wind. But instead to the beach, Ryn takes me to in the south, to one of the cliffs that flanks the bay.
We ascend the cliff slowly. It is bit tricky sometimes. There are many lose foothold ahead so I have to be careful.
The steps ahead are too sheer and hard to climb.
“Give me your hand,” he says. I take his offered hand. With strong pull, I climb up. We continue up still. It is getting windier as we go up.
After we pass a narrow passage between two big grey stones, finally we arrive at the top of the cliff. Here the wind blows harder shaking the tall grass around us.
Walking pass the grass, we sit near the ledge of the cliff. We both sit in silent, staring ahead to the west. Only blasting sounds of the waves occasionally break the silent.
The sea below is reflecting the moon in silvery glow. Looking to the sky, only stars and moon are there. The moon is not perfectly round anymore but it shines bright casting shadow to the land below.
“Are you happy here?” I ask him amid the thundering waves.
“Are you?” he asks me back.
Is that mean you are not?
“My sister, do you still think about her a lot?”
He turns his head and looking me straight in the eyes, “She died because of me,” he says softly, “How can I not?”
“I am sorry,” I say to him softly, “I am sorry,” I say it again in louder voice.
He looks at me intently and I see confusion in his face.
“You puzzle me, Ava. Why would you? It’s I that sorry. Your sister, she died for me. If it’s anyone fault. It’s mine,”
I shake my head. “It’s I who planted the rebellious though in her mind. About the freedom and west…” I feel tear is trickling down my cheek.
He erases my tears, “No, Ava. It’s not you,” he cups my face and tilts it up, holding my gaze. “It’s me. All of this because of me. I should know better.”
“But…”
“Believe me. It has nothing to do with you,” he says in tender voice.
“Do you hate the empress because of this?”
He shakes his head, “It’s not her, the one I hate.”
I know you hate yourself.
“It’s Gods’ cruel joke,” he sighs wearily, “She shouldn’t be with me.”
“But she loved you. I know.”
He releases my face and looking back to the sea. I am waiting but he says nothing.
He laughs bitterly, breaking the silent.
“What’s so funny?”
He composes himself, “Forget it,” I hear he says softly between the rumbled waves.
I can’t.
We both silent again, the only sound I hear is the waves, and blasting wind hitting the cliff. I lay my back down on the grass, looking at the stars and moon above. He follows, lying beside me. We both are gazing to the night sky, in the midst of the dancing tall grass around us.
“Why do you love the sky so much?” he asks breaking the silent.
“I wonder why people don’t.”
I hear he chuckles softly, no bitterness this time. It is good. I turn my head to see him.
“I like when you laugh.”
He turns his head. We look at each other eyes.
“Why?”
“It’s so rare,” I reach out to caress his cheek, his dimples. “You have dimples. You should smile more.”
I smile at him weakly, but he only staring my eyes in this shadowy night.
Strong wave crashing the stone below break the spell. Immediately, I withdraw my hand as if it burned.
“Let’s go back,” he says, rising to his feet.
We walk down the cliff, following the narrow trail. I feel going down is more dangerous than going up. When we arrive at the beach below, I see that there are fe
w people outside, still gathering in front of bonfire, playing lute and dancing with the wind.
They seem so happy.
I feel my heart is beating fast as we enter the tent. I know it isn’t proper for us sleep together here. But people think we are lover. And I know we should do more than sleeping. I ward off that thought, though. If he is another man, I know I will feel wary and afraid. But it is him, Ryn. He won’t do anything bad to me or force himself on me.
He, as courteous as ever, make another makeshift bed in other side of tent. He stacks few woolen blankets, just like mine.
To think about these last few days, here is entirely different world, so different than Varr City. It seems propriety is thrown away when you live between life and death.
I shudder to think about Prince Lex’s rage when he find out, or might he not. He has a fiancée after all, a beautiful lady at that.
Why would he want me?
I hid below the blanket and pull of my outer garment. I see Ryn’s shadow when he walks to blows the glass candle. Suddenly, the darkness is covering us.
“Goodnight,” he says from another side of the tent.
“Goodnight,” is my answer.
I feel drowsy in an instance. Oddly, I feel safe here. I know I shouldn’t but I do regardless. Maybe it is because I am with a trusted friend.
***
The morning sun light is leaking through the tent’s fabric, dazzling my eyes. I immediately sit up and looking around. I see that Ryn has already gone, his mattress is folded neatly in the corner. And a basin full of freshwater next to my bed. It is cold to the touch.
I wash my body as best as I can and comb my thick hair. I sigh softly. It is hard to live far from luxury.
“My lady,” I hear a boy voice from outside of the tent. “May I come in?”
“Wait,” I say and put my robe hastily. “You may come in now.”
A young, scrawny boy around ten years of age comes in.
“I am Ram Dearg, your cousin,” he says with a big smile, “My mother is a Worg. I think I should be called a Worg too, for I am a bastard, like all of us here. But don’t say that to my mother,” he says cheerfully.
I smile back to him, “Nice to meet you. I am Ava.”
“It’s first time I see a cousin from inside the Wall,” he says still grinning, “My mother says the lot of you have ugly hideous face. I see that she lied,” he continues his chatter.
He flops on the rug, “Oh, may I sit,” he asks as if just remembering his manner.
“You may,” I say with a smile. “Where is your mother now?”
“Mother? She is off to the east, chasing my sister,” he says nonchalantly.
I confuse. He doesn’t make a head and tail with his story.
“She elopes with a Blessed, you know. He comes from inside the Wall,” he whispers as if it is a great secret, “Don’t tell anyone else about it, here, run off with enemy is a big sin,” his eyes so round when says it.
I can’t help but grinning at him. I really wonder how our world can be so different.
“Oh, I forgot. I have to give you this,” he opens his leather bag and pulls out a book, “Your husband tells me to give it to you.”
Husband?
“Here take it,” he stands up and put the book in my bed. And immediately, go out from the tent.
And he immediately go back inside, “Good day, Coz,” he says with an artful bow. It is weird to see it here.
Thinking about Ryn, of course, they think he is my husband. Here, no need a marriage ceremony to be a husband and wife.
Oh Gods, I am a married woman now. I giggle madly.
I open the book and scan it fast. It is a romance story about a pirate and a lady. I close it immediately, wondering where Ryn gets this book. If I am the old Ava, a simple daughter of a high minster, I will devour the book in heartbeat. But I have duty now.
I pick my brush again and continue braiding my hair.
When I deem myself presentable, I go out, bringing my bow and arrows. Last night, Ryn said I can go outside but I have to be careful. Of course, I know that. Even though I cannot train my energy at least I can train my aim.
And I am a woman in love now. I have to remember that.
I walking pass series of tents, all in muddy color. I can see curious glace is thrown at me. I ignore it all.
I hear a woman voice calling me from afar. I turn around and looking for its source.
“My lady,” I bow as I see Lady Kanna walking near with a huge man with burned face. His left cheek is burned so badly, it looks so painful by looking at it alone.
“You’ve found your man, and I too,” she says with smile. I can see that she is genuinely happy. “My husband, Nick Koell.”
Instead of bowing, he grips my hand and shakes it hard. I startled a little. This is a habit from Westland, I know it from the book.
“So, this is the lady that breaks my son heart,” he says with thundered laugh. “Well, I am glad you put him in his place, my lady,” he adds.
“He’s just like you. Set his sight too high,” Lady Kanna says, chiding her husband. And her husband laughs at that.
They seem love each other. The hard look in Lady Kanna’s face softened now.
When I say I want to train my arrow, they say I have to go to north.
“Thank you,” I say to the both of them and walk to the north.
On seclude place near the west cliff, I find a band of archer train their aim. I walk there but I am not sure they will let me join.
I bow to them and say, “I am Ava Worg. May I join?”
“Of course,” says a young lady in her early twenty. But I see that the others look at me warily.
“I am Mega, my lady,” she says, “I was one of Lady May’s party you’ve saved,” she adds.
She tells me that there were twenty of them but two perish few days ago.
“I do thank you. If not for you, we are died now.”
“Yes, my lady. We do thank you,” says another young man, who also comes from Gorm Clan.
I am waiting my turn to take a shoot at the targets, which they put at about two hundred feet in front of us, since there are only five targets and there are more than twenty people here.
“Is your clan all here?” I ask Mega carefully.
“No, my lady. Some of them are still in the north. Few will come on the morrow.”
“I see. Do you like being here?” I ask her carefully.
She looks at me warily, “We don’t have a choice. But actually, they are good people. A little rough in the edge, though. Beg, your pardon, I never thought I’ll see you here. The rumor says…” she catches herself.
I smile at her, “About me and Prince Lex?”
She nods.
“It’s just rumor,” I say in light tone. I hope she believe me, “I love another besides,” I add. The lie comes easily now.
Carefully, I wring new information from Mega. And now, I know that most of the rebels here aren’t the late crown prince’s people. Most of them come from villages or exiled nobles that fall from the empress favor. There are almost three hundred of them here and more will come. But I dare not ask about the hidden prince, their leader. I have to tread discreetly. I can’t ask Ryn too. I know he still suspects me.
Now, it is my turn again to take an aim. I stand there, noting the wind and draw the string.
Should I pretend to love him in truth?
I seriously think about it. Maybe he will think I am harmless then.
Yes, I should do it.
And I won’t ask your forgiveness since I do this for him too.
I still in deep thought when my turn comes again. I feel my muscle twitching and hurting. This will be my last aim. I let lose my bow string and the arrow almost hit the center of the target. I have drawn so many arrows in last few hours. I feel tired now. Beads of sweat drench my clothes. I bid goodbye to Gorm clan and the rest, then walking back to Ryn’s tent.
The sun is still
high in the sky, scalding my skin. I really want to take a bath in freshwater.
When I enter the tent, I see Ryn is inside, waiting for me. He held out a bracelet made of black diamond.
“What for?” I pick it.
“Many more Blesseds will come. I don’t want any accident happen.”
He still doesn’t trust me.
It is not accident he afraid of. He afraid that I will deliberately let out my energy and signaling the palace.
Oh, Ryn… If only you know…
I nod and try to take the bracelet but he withdraws his hand. He helps me to fasten the bracelet in my wrist. He does it so carefully. The clasp looks so robust and complicated. It seems it won’t be easy to take it off by myself. And I see that the diamonds in the bracelet look bigger than the one in my pendant. Even if I will it, I cannot summon my gift. Unless, I take it off of course.
“Done,” he says after finish.
“You still don’t believe me, don’t you?” I ask, holding his gaze.
“Should I?” he asks softly, “Just wear this until I do,” he says and then he walks out from the tent.
***
Sun has set hours ago. I try to sleep but it eludes me. I am waiting in the darkness for Ryn to come. It is already pass midnight but he not yet coming back since he help me with the bracelet. I sit up, padding in the darkness and lit the glass candle.
Where is he now?
I pull the Westlander’s book from below the bed. Then, I sit down on the bed, riding the book. I see flicker of shadow, and I see him enter the tent. I startled a little, he is always so silent like a Shadow that he is.
“I thought you’re sleep already,” he says as he draws closer, “Do you like it?” he nods to the book, standing oddly near small table.
“A good wife, should wait her husband, am I right?”
Not getting my joke, his face is impassive as ever.
Should I do it? Make him believe that I love him… No, it’s wrong. He’s my friend.
I close the book.
“I will turn off the light,” I say and stand up, walking to the glass candle.
He seems startled and averts his eyes immediately. I wonder why. Then, I look down to my nightgown. I feel color drain from my face, for it is so sheer and leave nothing to imagination. And I can see my breasts clearly.
Oh, Gods.
I want to bury my face in the pillow. Hastily, I blow out the candle and diving under my blanked, hiding my burning face. Now, I know that man seems fixated with breasts somehow. My breasts aren’t always this big. It starts growing two years ago. I don’t know whether I should loath it or not.
I hear he take his place in his own bed, which I prepared hours ago in the other side of the tent.