“Shelby, what does that look on your face mean?”
“What look?” she asked back, trying to evade the question.
“That look of confusion or hurt—I don’t know which.”
Shelby was searching desperately for a reply when the phone rang. She brightened with relief.
“I have to get my phone.”
“I’ll get it,” Nikolai said, reaching around her and even taking the handpiece from her. “Hello. Yes, she is here, Murdock. Is it urgent? In that case I’ll have her call you. All right. Goodbye.” Nikolai put the phone down and turned back to his wife. Shelby had angled her body away from him, but Nikolai moved to look at her face. When she wouldn’t look up at him, he sat on the edge of the desk, dropping his gaze to her level, and with hands to her waist, brought her to stand directly in front of him.
“I did a lot of thinking while I was gone, and I’ve come to one solid conclusion: We have to keep talking. It’s awkward and embarrassing at times, but we must keep at it.”
Shelby nodded but still didn’t speak for a moment. Nikolai was on the verge of ordering her, not that that would have been helpful, when she seemed to come uncorked.
“I have to tell you something, Nikolai; I have to!” Shelby looked almost desperate now. “I’m afraid to even mention Yvette to you. I’m terrified of even thinking her name, let alone saying it. I’m so afraid that it will upset you or that you’ll tell me it’s none of my business. I mean, it should be my business, I’m your wife, but I don’t feel that it is.”
Nikolai put his hands on the backs of her upper arms and rubbed gently. The pink in her face had gone pale, and her features were strained. Nikolai found that it hurt him to know she was so upset. In truth, he didn’t want to discuss Yvette with Shelby, but that wasn’t fair to either of them.
“Tell me if this will work for you, Shelby: When you have a question about Yvette, just check with me about asking. At some times I feel more vulnerable in that area than at others. If you can check with me, then I think it will be less painful and uncertain for both of us.”
“I can do that,” Shelby told him, thinking she would say anything not to hurt him or have him mad at her.
“Good. Now, what did I say that made you think of Yvette?”
Shelby played with the belt on her robe, wishing she didn’t have to answer but still making an attempt. “It was just the way you mentioned the rooms. I don’t know if I can explain it more than that.”
Nikolai worked in his mind to grasp what she had said and finally asked, “Are you ready to move into my room, Shelby?”
The thought alone made Shelby blush. She immediately shook her head no.
“In that case,” Nikolai said, not seeing a need to tell her he wasn’t ready for that either, “we’ll start by leaving the door open and see how we like that.”
Shelby nodded, relief coming in slow waves. She had known there would be more bridges to cross and battles to endure, but she was still so uncertain and embarrassed in front of her spouse. Would she never feel completely at home and secure in this place?
“May I hold you, Shelby?” Nikolai suddenly asked. Shelby hadn’t been aware of his scrutiny, but she could relate to what she saw in his eyes: need.
“If I can hold you back.”
Nikolai’s eyes slid shut as her arms went around his neck, his own encircling her to hold on tight. Their prayers, had they but known it, were quite similar. They both asked God to help them find their footing in this relationship.
“All right, Peter,” Shelby instructed, “put your cup of flour in now.”
“What about the chocolate chips?” the boy asked.
“They go in last,” Shelby said as she moved the bag from her husband’s reach.
Peter smiled at his affronted look, but Shelby just kept mixing.
“Okay, Nick. I’m ready for those eggs.”
He did as he was told and then realized he should be stirring.
“Here. Let me do that for a while.” Nikolai took the spoon from her hand and began to work. With his help, they were ready for the chips in no time.
“How long will it be?” Peter wanted to know after the first batch had gone into the oven.
“About 12 minutes. Can you wait that long?”
“I think so.”
Shelby smiled down at him. He was doing very well. She knew from Toby’s reports that Peter had days in school when he would not respond or even look at his teacher, but even that was getting better.
She also knew that it helped that Nikolai was able to see him about once every ten days. The little boy had come to adore the prince. The only person he seemed to love more was the queen mother. And an hour later, when a box of cookies had been put together for that lady, Peter’s face showed his delight in getting to see her and present her with the gift. Nikolai walked him to the west quadrant.
“How have you been, Peter?” Nikolai asked as they moved along at a snail’s pace, Nikolai’s design more than Peter’s.
“All right,” the boy said, looking up sideways at him. He had been smiling, but now he frowned a little. “I don’t want you to pray for me anymore,” he said suddenly. “I’m going to tell Queen Miranda too.”
“Can you tell me why?”
“I didn’t like what you said last time about the gift part.”
Nikolai took a moment to compute this. “You mean when I said that salvation was a free gift from God?”
“Yeah.” The boy’s voice was soft, his expression guarded. “You said God was so smart that He created everything, but I don’t think it’s smart to make Your Son die. I can’t think why He would do that, so I guess I don’t believe He did. Anyone could figure out that it must all be a big lie.”
Nikolai kept his calm with an effort. When he worked with adults who called themselves believers but who did not really care to grow in the Lord, Nikolai didn’t waste his time. This child was different. This child was not a believer in Christ and needed to be treated differently. Peter’s words, however, still made Nikolai feel as though he’d been wasting his time, and he had to fight his emotions on the subject.
“Well, Peter,” he said at last. “You’re certainly entitled to your opinion. I take it you think my belief is rather foolish.”
Put so bluntly, the boy hesitated, even coming to a halt on their walk, but he eventually nodded.
“In that case I need to check something with you. Are you still going to want to spend time with the princess and me? We’re still going to believe the same, and you don’t agree. Are you going to want anything more to do with us?”
Peter’s face paled on these words. He wished he had kept his mouth shut and put up with the prayers.
“I didn’t mean I don’t like you,” he said, his eyes filled with fear.
Nikolai put a hand on his shoulder, still pushing his first feelings aside.
“I’m glad, Peter. I would have missed seeing you.”
Peter looked into the prince’s smiling face and let out his breath. For a moment he thought he’d lost it all. He managed a small smile now as he turned and went through the door to see the queen mother.
“Thank you,” he remembered to say, the cookie box coming up a little.
“You’re welcome. Have a good time, and I’ll see you sometime next week.”
Peter’s smile told Nikolai he’d said the right thing, but the prince still felt a need to be alone. He went for a walk in the park and had a long talk with the Lord. By the time he returned, he’d remembered that he was not the one in control—something he was very glad of right now.
Seventeen
Shelby spent the morning at the care center. The residents were all moved back in, and most were settled again. The fire was still the main subject of discussion, and everyone who saw the princess wanted to speak with her about it. Shelby had been listening to their talk for more than an hour when Mrs. Radford approached her.
“When you have time, Princess Shelby, may I speak with you in m
y office?”
“Certainly. I’ll be right along.”
Shelby said a slow goodbye to the men she was visiting and made her way to the matron’s office.
“Please have a seat,” that woman said quietly when Shelby entered the office.
Shelby, thinking she’d never seen her so subdued, sat in a leather chair in front of the desk.
“Has anyone informed you that I’m retiring?”
“No, Mrs. Radford. I hadn’t heard.”
The older woman nodded, her expression unreadable. “My husband wishes me to, and I think it’s time.”
“We’ll miss you and the hard work you do,” Shelby said sincerely.
Again Shelby could not read the other woman’s expression, but Mrs. Radford surprised her.
“I did want to tell you one thing before I go, Princess Shelby.” The matron cleared her throat and continued, “I have had several comments on the food lately—positive comments. I thought you would like to know.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I would also like to thank you on behalf of the care center for helping during the fire.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad I was here.”
Mrs. Radford gave a ghost of one of her old smiles—the ones Shelby had seen before she caused waves—and began stacking papers on her desk. Shelby took her cue, leaving the matron’s office and going to speak to one of the staff about plans for a send-off party. When she got her information, Shelby opted to head back to the palace. She was suddenly feeling rather tired.
Nikolai had not seen his wife all day. He had been out of the palace when she had been home and vise versa. They had not even had dinner together, but now he was home and delighted to see a light still on in her room. He started that way but didn’t enter when he saw that she was sitting quite still by the window. Her profile told him she was not asleep, but she looked contemplative. Nikolai shifted a little on his feet, and Shelby heard.
“Oh, hello,” she said softly, turning her head to see him.
Nikolai felt better about joining her.
“How was the evening?” she asked as he approached.
“It was fine,” Nikolai said. I wanted to hurry back to you was what he thought. “How was your evening?”
“Nice and quiet.”
Nikolai smiled at the relief in her voice.
“Ready to head to bed?” he asked.
“I am.” Shelby’s voice dropped a little, and her gaze shifted away. “I think I want to be in my own bed tonight, Nick. Is that all right?”
“Of course,” he answered without hesitation. “I hope you sleep well.” With that he bent to kiss Shelby’s cheek and tell her goodnight. He returned to his own room, his mind racing frantically to figure out whether he had done something wrong. Save for the nights he’d been away, he and Shelby had shared a room for some weeks now. That something was amiss was very clear; the specifics, however, were not. With a rather confused heart, Nikolai headed into his own bathroom to ready for bed. He was in the middle of brushing his teeth when reality hit. Mouth still full of toothpaste, he went back to the adjoining door but heard Shelby in the shower. Not even this would deter his plan.
Five minutes later he was dressed in his pajamas and removing his pillow from the bed. He grabbed his book and reading glasses, turned all the lights off in his room, and headed to Shelby’s bed. He made himself comfortable on the one side, light on, pillow at his back, and opened his book. He was attempting to read when Shelby came from the bathroom, spotted him, and stopped still. Nikolai looked up and smiled.
“I thought I would join you in here,” he explained.
Shelby only nodded and then spotted the pillow he’d placed on the chair.
“I’m more comfortable with my own,” Nikolai said; he’d been watching her every move.
Again Shelby only nodded. She came toward the bed and climbed in, and although Nikolai had gone back to his book, he noticed she lay as far from him as she could get. She then reached for her own book. By shifting ever so slightly, Nikolai could watch her without being obvious. Shelby’s eyes moved across the page, but she blinked often and slowly. Nikolai wondered if she would have turned the light off right away if he hadn’t been reading already.
Without pomp or ceremony, he set his book aside and turned off his lamp. He leaned close, kissed Shelby again, and then settled on his pillow.
“Goodnight, Shelby,” he said with his eyes closed.
“Goodnight.”
Nikolai could tell that her head was turned and she was looking in his direction for some time. When she did move, he heard her put the book aside, and a moment later he could tell from behind his lids that the room was dark. The bed was just different enough that it took some time to gain sleep. Never a sound sleeper, Nikolai eventually nodded off to the sound of his wife’s breathing, never suspecting the kind of night that lay ahead.
The clock read 4:15 when Nikolai heard Shelby get up for the fifth time since she’d turned the light out. The shower in her bathroom came on almost as soon as she shut the door. It wasn’t a long shower, but the noise was enough that Nikolai was still very awake when she returned to bed. He waited for her to get comfortable again and knew somehow that she had not immediately fallen back to sleep.
“Is it this rough on you every month, Shelby?”
Shelby sighed. “Did I wake you all night?”
“Yes, but that’s all right.”
He was met with silence.
“Is it this bad each month?”
“No. My system is not very regular. It’s not at all unusual for me to go five or six weeks between cycles. On occasion I’ll go seven weeks. That’s what happened this time.”
“Should you see a doctor?”
“I have, and he’s told me that it’s pretty normal for some women. If I don’t have a period for more than seven weeks, I’m to come back, but it’s been this way since I was 14.”
“How busy is your day today?”
“I don’t think I have anything planned, and if I did, I would probably cancel.”
They fell silent for a time, and Nikolai thought Shelby might have gone back to sleep.
“I should have explained to you last night,” Shelby started again. “I was embarrassed.”
Nikolai reached over and found her hand.
“Were you angry?” Shelby asked.
“No. Confused about what I had done wrong but not angry.”
“You truly don’t anger easily, do you?”
“Not as a rule.”
“What does make you mad?”
“Let’s see.” He thought for a moment. “I think people who hate the crown for no good reason upset me pretty quickly. Or someone who does nothing but criticizes my father. No king is perfect, but I think he does a good job.”
“What angers you on a personal level?”
“Like being upset with you or someone on the staff?”
“Yes.”
“Offhand I can’t think of anything, but I will admit to you that I was angry at Peter the last time we saw him.”
“Peter Owens?” Shelby asked, certain she had misunderstood him.
“Yes. He didn’t know it, and I had to confess it because I had no right, but a few weeks back I felt the door was open for the first time to explain to Peter how Christ died for us. This time I saw that it really seemed to bother Peter that God would do this to His Son, and then in so many words he said he didn’t believe it—that only a fool would fall for such a story.”
“I don’t think you told me about this.”
“I was too upset to talk about it. But after I calmed down and thought back on it, I realized Peter was defending himself. His father never gave him unconditional love, and even his sisters, although they don’t treat him badly, have their own lives and friends. A little brother is sometimes in the way.”
“And a God who would offer an unconditional gift of love certainly can’t be trusted,” Shelby concluded.
“You said that in a way that makes me think you understand.”
“I don’t know if I do or not. I was from the camp that says ‘I’m good enough. Why would I need a Savior?’”
“What changed your mind?”
“Believe it or not, a low test score in school. I had always taken great pride in my academic ability, and then suddenly I didn’t measure up. In an instant I saw myself standing before God trying to tell Him all the things I did well. I could almost see Him shaking His head and saying it wasn’t good enough. For the first time it became clear to me that I was desperately lost. My parents and brother had already seen their need. It took me a little longer.”
Shelby heard Nikolai move, and suddenly his arms were around her. With his lips against her temple he said, “I’m so thankful you saw the truth, Red. I can’t tell you how much.”
Shelby gladly turned in his arms, wanting very much to be hugged right now. It wasn’t long before she felt relaxed enough to fall back to sleep, and she suspected Nikolai had, but Shelby didn’t let herself. She lay still until light crept in from the edges of the curtains, praying for the man who held her close.
Shelby would not have chosen to spend the first two days after Christmas on her own, but Nikolai had been called away. Although she had been all ready to offer to go with him, she had learned that the king was to go as well. Shelby thought they might want a chance to be on their own.
With a few free hours, the princess took some time to think about redecorating her bedroom. She thought the idea of a central theme in both rooms worth looking into and went to her husband’s bedroom to study the color theme. She liked the navy blue in the wallpaper and the contrasting light carpet. Her husband’s room was also trimmed in light oak. Shelby liked that as well but wasn’t willing to give up her mahogany trim, something she didn’t like with the black wallpaper. If she did follow a matching motif, it would have to match both woods, and she knew the navy would do that.