CHAPTER XX.
A COMPETENCY was what I wanted; a competency it was now my aim andresolve to secure; but never had I been farther from the mark. WithAugust the school-year (l'annee scolaire) closed, the examinationsconcluded, the prizes were adjudged, the schools dispersed, the gates ofall colleges, the doors of all pensionnats shut, not to be reopened tillthe beginning or middle of October. The last day of August was at hand,and what was my position? Had I advanced a step since the commencementof the past quarter? On the contrary, I had receded one. By renouncingmy engagement as English master in Mdlle. Reuter's establishment, I hadvoluntarily cut off 20l. from my yearly income; I had diminished my 60l.per annum to 40l., and even that sum I now held by a very precarioustenure.
It is some time since I made any reference to M. Pelet. The moonlightwalk is, I think, the last incident recorded in this narrative wherethat gentleman cuts any conspicuous figure: the fact is, since thatevent, a change had come over the spirit of our intercourse. He, indeed,ignorant that the still hour, a cloudless moon, and an open lattice,had revealed to me the secret of his selfish love and false friendship,would have continued smooth and complaisant as ever; but I grew spiny asa porcupine, and inflexible as a blackthorn cudgel; I never had a smilefor his raillery, never a moment for his society; his invitations totake coffee with him in his parlour were invariably rejected, andvery stiffly and sternly rejected too; his jesting allusions to thedirectress (which he still continued) were heard with a grim calm verydifferent from the petulant pleasure they were formerly wont to excite.For a long time Pelet bore with my frigid demeanour very patiently;he even increased his attentions; but finding that even a cringingpoliteness failed to thaw or move me, he at last altered too; inhis turn he cooled; his invitations ceased; his countenance becamesuspicious and overcast, and I read in the perplexed yet brooding aspectof his brow, a constant examination and comparison of premises, and ananxious endeavour to draw thence some explanatory inference. Ere long,I fancy, he succeeded, for he was not without penetration perhaps, too,Mdlle. Zoraide might have aided him in the solution of the enigma; atany rate I soon found that the uncertainty of doubt had vanished fromhis manner; renouncing all pretence of friendship and cordiality, headopted a reserved, formal, but still scrupulously polite deportment.This was the point to which I had wished to bring him, and I was nowagain comparatively at my ease. I did not, it is true, like my positionin his house; but being freed from the annoyance of false professionsand double-dealing I could endure it, especially as no heroic sentimentof hatred or jealousy of the director distracted my philosophical soul;he had not, I found, wounded me in a very tender point, the wound was sosoon and so radically healed, leaving only a sense of contempt forthe treacherous fashion in which it had been inflicted, and a lastingmistrust of the hand which I had detected attempting to stab in thedark.
This state of things continued till about the middle of July, and thenthere was a little change; Pelet came home one night, an hour after hisusual time, in a state of unequivocal intoxication, a thing anomalouswith him; for if he had some of the worst faults of his countrymen,he had also one at least of their virtues, i.e. sobriety. So drunk,however, was he upon this occasion, that after having roused the wholeestablishment (except the pupils, whose dormitory being over the classesin a building apart from the dwelling-house, was consequently out of thereach of disturbance) by violently ringing the hall-bell and orderinglunch to be brought in immediately, for he imagined it was noon, whereasthe city bells had just tolled midnight; after having furiously ratedthe servants for their want of punctuality, and gone near to chastisehis poor old mother, who advised him to go to bed, he began ravingdreadfully about "le maudit Anglais, Creemsvort." I had not yet retired;some German books I had got hold of had kept me up late; I heard theuproar below, and could distinguish the director's voice exalted ina manner as appalling as it was unusual. Opening my door a little, Ibecame aware of a demand on his part for "Creemsvort" to be broughtdown to him that he might cut his throat on the hall-table and washhis honour, which he affirmed to be in a dirty condition, in infernalBritish blood. "He is either mad or drunk," thought I, "and in eithercase the old woman and the servants will be the better of a man'sassistance," so I descended straight to the hall. I found him staggeringabout, his eyes in a fine frenzy rolling--a pretty sight he was, a justmedium between the fool and the lunatic.
"Come, M. Pelet," said I, "you had better go to bed," and I took hold ofhis arm. His excitement, of course, increased greatly at sight and touchof the individual for whose blood he had been making application: hestruggled and struck with fury--but a drunken man is no match for asober one; and, even in his normal state, Pelet's worn out frame couldnot have stood against my sound one. I got him up-stairs, and, inprocess of time, to bed. During the operation he did not fail toutter comminations which, though broken, had a sense in them; whilestigmatizing me as the treacherous spawn of a perfidious country, he,in the same breath, anathematized Zoraide Reuter; he termed her "femmesotte et vicieuse," who, in a fit of lewd caprice, had thrown herselfaway on an unprincipled adventurer; directing the point of the lastappellation by a furious blow, obliquely aimed at me. I left him in theact of bounding elastically out of the bed into which I had tucked him;but, as I took the precaution of turning the key in the door behind me,I retired to my own room, assured of his safe custody till the morning,and free to draw undisturbed conclusions from the scene I had justwitnessed.
Now, it was precisely about this time that the directress, stung bymy coldness, bewitched by my scorn, and excited by the preference shesuspected me of cherishing for another, had fallen into a snare of herown laying--was herself caught in the meshes of the very passion withwhich she wished to entangle me. Conscious of the state of things inthat quarter, I gathered, from the condition in which I saw myemployer, that his lady-love had betrayed the alienation of heraffections--inclinations, rather, I would say; affection is a word atonce too warm and too pure for the subject--had let him see that thecavity of her hollow heart, emptied of his image, was now occupied bythat of his usher. It was not without some surprise that I foundmyself obliged to entertain this view of the case; Pelet, withhis old-established school, was so convenient, so profitable amatch--Zoraide was so calculating, so interested a woman--I wonderedmere personal preference could, in her mind, have prevailed for a momentover worldly advantage: yet, it was evident, from what Pelet said, that,not only had she repulsed him, but had even let slip expressions ofpartiality for me. One of his drunken exclamations was, "And thejade doats on your youth, you raw blockhead! and talks of your nobledeportment, as she calls your accursed English formality--and your puremorals, forsooth! des moeurs de Caton a-t-elle dit--sotte!" Hers, Ithought, must be a curious soul, where in spite of a strong, naturaltendency to estimate unduly advantages of wealth and station, thesardonic disdain of a fortuneless subordinate had wrought a deeperimpression than could be imprinted by the most flattering assiduities ofa prosperous CHEF D'INSTITUTION. I smiled inwardly; and strange to say,though my AMOUR PROPRE was excited not disagreeably by the conquest, mybetter feelings remained untouched. Next day, when I saw the directress,and when she made an excuse to meet me in the corridor, and besought mynotice by a demeanour and look subdued to Helot humility, I couldnot love, I could scarcely pity her. To answer briefly and drylysome interesting inquiry about my health--to pass her by with a sternbow--was all I could; her presence and manner had then, and for sometime previously and consequently, a singular effect upon me: theysealed up all that was good, elicited all that was noxious in my nature;sometimes they enervated my senses, but they always hardened my heart.I was aware of the detriment done, and quarrelled with myself for thechange. I had ever hated a tyrant; and, behold, the possession of aslave, self-given, went near to transform me into what I abhorred!There was at once a sort of low gratification in receiving this lusciousincense from an attractive and still young worshipper; and an irritatingsense of degradation in the very experience of the pleasure. When shestole about me
with the soft step of a slave, I felt at once barbarousand sensual as a pasha. I endured her homage sometimes; sometimes Irebuked it. My indifference or harshness served equally to increase theevil I desired to check.
"Que le dedain lui sied bien!" I once overheard her say to her mother:"il est beau comme Apollon quand il sourit de son air hautain."
And the jolly old dame laughed, and said she thought her daughter wasbewitched, for I had no point of a handsome man about me, except beingstraight and without deformity. "Pour moi," she continued, "il me faittout l'effet d'un chat-huant, avec ses besicles."
Worthy old girl! I could have gone and kissed her had she not been alittle too old, too fat, and too red-faced; her sensible, truthfulwords seemed so wholesome, contrasted with the morbid illusions of herdaughter.
When Pelet awoke on the morning after his frenzy fit, he retained norecollection of what had happened the previous night, and his motherfortunately had the discretion to refrain from informing him that I hadbeen a witness of his degradation. He did not again have recourse towine for curing his griefs, but even in his sober mood he soon showedthat the iron of jealousy had entered into his soul. A thoroughFrenchman, the national characteristic of ferocity had not been omittedby nature in compounding the ingredients of his character; it hadappeared first in his access of drunken wrath, when some of hisdemonstrations of hatred to my person were of a truly fiendishcharacter, and now it was more covertly betrayed by momentarycontractions of the features, and flashes of fierceness in his lightblue eyes, when their glance chanced to encounter mine. He absolutelyavoided speaking to me; I was now spared even the falsehood of hispoliteness. In this state of our mutual relations, my soul rebelledsometimes almost ungovernably, against living in the house anddischarging the service of such a man; but who is free from theconstraint of circumstances? At that time, I was not: I used to riseeach morning eager to shake off his yoke, and go out with my portmanteauunder my arm, if a beggar, at least a freeman; and in the evening, whenI came back from the pensionnat de demoiselles, a certain pleasant voicein my ear; a certain face, so intelligent, yet so docile, so reflective,yet so soft, in my eyes; a certain cast of character, at once proudand pliant, sensitive and sagacious, serious and ardent, in my head; acertain tone of feeling, fervid and modest, refined and practical, pureand powerful, delighting and troubling my memory--visions of new ties Ilonged to contract, of new duties I longed to undertake, had taken therover and the rebel out of me, and had shown endurance of my hated lotin the light of a Spartan virtue.
But Pelet's fury subsided; a fortnight sufficed for its rise, progress,and extinction: in that space of time the dismissal of the obnoxiousteacher had been effected in the neighbouring house, and in the sameinterval I had declared my resolution to follow and find out my pupil,and upon my application for her address being refused, I had summarilyresigned my own post. This last act seemed at once to restore Mdlle.Reuter to her senses; her sagacity, her judgment, so long misled by afascinating delusion, struck again into the right track the momentthat delusion vanished. By the right track, I do not mean the steep anddifficult path of principle--in that path she never trod; but the plainhighway of common sense, from which she had of late widely diverged.When there she carefully sought, and having found, industriously pursuedthe trail of her old suitor, M. Pelet. She soon overtook him. What artsshe employed to soothe and blind him I know not, but she succeeded bothin allaying his wrath, and hoodwinking his discernment, as was soonproved by the alteration in his mien and manner; she must have managedto convince him that I neither was, nor ever had been, a rival of his,for the fortnight of fury against me terminated in a fit of exceedinggraciousness and amenity, not unmixed with a dash of exultingself-complacency, more ludicrous than irritating. Pelet's bachelor'slife had been passed in proper French style with due disregard to moralrestraint, and I thought his married life promised to be very Frenchalso. He often boasted to me what a terror he had been to certainhusbands of his acquaintance; I perceived it would not now be difficultto pay him back in his own coin.
The crisis drew on. No sooner had the holidays commenced than note ofpreparation for some momentous event sounded all through the premisesof Pelet: painters, polishers, and upholsterers were immediately setto work, and there was talk of "la chambre de Madame," "le salon deMadame." Not deeming it probable that the old duenna at present gracedwith that title in our house, had inspired her son with such enthusiasmof filial piety, as to induce him to fit up apartments expressly for heruse, I concluded, in common with the cook, the two housemaids, and thekitchen-scullion, that a new and more juvenile Madame was destined to bethe tenant of these gay chambers.
Presently official announcement of the coming event was put forth. Inanother week's time M. Francois Pelet, directeur, and Mdlle. ZoraideReuter, directrice, were to be joined together in the bands ofmatrimony. Monsieur, in person, heralded the fact to me; terminatinghis communication by an obliging expression of his desire that I shouldcontinue, as heretofore, his ablest assistant and most trusted friend;and a proposition to raise my salary by an additional two hundred francsper annum. I thanked him, gave no conclusive answer at the time, and,when he had left me, threw off my blouse, put on my coat, and set outon a long walk outside the Porte de Flandre, in order, as I thought, tocool my blood, calm my nerves, and shake my disarranged ideas into someorder. In fact, I had just received what was virtually my dismissal.I could not conceal, I did not desire to conceal from myself theconviction that, being now certain that Mdlle. Reuter was destined tobecome Madame Pelet it would not do for me to remain a dependent dwellerin the house which was soon to be hers. Her present demeanour towardsme was deficient neither in dignity nor propriety; but I knew her formerfeeling was unchanged. Decorum now repressed, and Policy masked it, butOpportunity would be too strong for either of these--Temptation wouldshiver their restraints.
I was no pope--I could not boast infallibility: in short, if I stayed,the probability was that, in three months' time, a practical modernFrench novel would be in full process of concoction under the roof ofthe unsuspecting Pelet. Now, modern French novels are not to mytaste, either practically or theoretically. Limited as had yet been myexperience of life, I had once had the opportunity of contemplating,near at hand, an example of the results produced by a course ofinteresting and romantic domestic treachery. No golden halo of fictionwas about this example, I saw it bare and real, and it was veryloathsome. I saw a mind degraded by the practice of mean subterfuge, bythe habit of perfidious deception, and a body depraved by the infectiousinfluence of the vice-polluted soul. I had suffered much from the forcedand prolonged view of this spectacle; those sufferings I did not nowregret, for their simple recollection acted as a most wholesome antidoteto temptation. They had inscribed on my reason the conviction thatunlawful pleasure, trenching on another's rights, is delusive andenvenomed pleasure--its hollowness disappoints at the time, its poisoncruelly tortures afterwards, its effects deprave for ever.
From all this resulted the conclusion that I must leave Pelet's, andthat instantly; "but," said Prudence, "you know not where to go, nor howto live;" and then the dream of true love came over me: Frances Henriseemed to stand at my side; her slender waist to invite my arm; herhand to court my hand; I felt it was made to nestle in mine; I could notrelinquish my right to it, nor could I withdraw my eyes for ever fromhers, where I saw so much happiness, such a correspondence of heart withheart; over whose expression I had such influence; where I could kindlebliss, infuse awe, stir deep delight, rouse sparkling spirit, andsometimes waken pleasurable dread. My hopes to will and possess, myresolutions to merit and rise, rose in array against me; and here I wasabout to plunge into the gulf of absolute destitution "and all this,"suggested an inward voice, "because you fear an evil which may neverhappen!" "It will happen; you KNOW it will," answered that stubbornmonitor, Conscience. "Do what you feel is right; obey me, and even inthe sloughs of want I will plant for you firm footing." And then, as Iwalked fast along the road, there rose upon me a strange, in
ly-felt ideaof some Great Being, unseen, but all present, who in His beneficencedesired only my welfare, and now watched the struggle of good and evilin my heart, and waited to see whether I should obey His voice, heard inthe whispers of my conscience, or lend an ear to the sophisms by whichHis enemy and mine--the Spirit of Evil--sought to lead me astray.Rough and steep was the path indicated by divine suggestion mossy anddeclining the green way along which Temptation strewed flowers; butwhereas, methought, the Deity of Love, the Friend of all that exists,would smile well-pleased were I to gird up my loins and address myselfto the rude ascent; so, on the other hand, each inclination to thevelvet declivity seemed to kindle a gleam of triumph on the brow of theman-hating, God-defying demon. Sharp and short I turned round; fast Iretraced my steps; in half an hour I was again at M. Pelet's: I soughthim in his study; brief parley, concise explanation sufficed; my mannerproved that I was resolved; he, perhaps, at heart approved mydecision. After twenty minutes' conversation, I re-entered my own room,self-deprived of the means of living, self-sentenced to leave my presenthome, with the short notice of a week in which to provide another.