I stare at him. “You just made me cry and now you want my food?”
He shrugs. “I just asked if you were going to eat it.”
I laugh then, pushing the box in his direction. “It’s all yours. I think I might puke from eating so fast.”
He pauses with the food halfway to his mouth. “Thanks for oversharing, Sloane.” He eats the chicken anyway, and then we pick through the fries before cleaning up, the grease clinging to my fingers, but it’s not gross. It’s almost a relief compared to how scrubbed and antiseptic I feel in this facility.
“Hold up,” Realm says, handing me the bag. He pulls the door open and then puts his eye to the crack. “All clear.”
He motions me forward, and we sneak back inside, giggling as we run down the hallway. We’re almost back to the leisure room when we see Nurse Kell turn the corner and spot us. Realm instantly grabs the McDonald’s bag and tosses it into an empty room, the trash sliding under a bed.
“Where have you two been?” Nurse Kell asks.
“Just giving her the tour,” Realm says, putting his arm around me as if we’re best friends. It occurs to me that he is my best friend, at least in here. Nurse Kell eyes us for another second longer and then nods toward the leisure room.
“All right then,” she says. “The boys are looking for you, Michael. You’re late for your card game.”
He thanks her, and we start heading off when Nurse Kell calls me back. “For you,” she says, holding out a Dixie cup. I peek inside and see a bright-yellow pill.
“Why? I feel fine.”
“Doctor’s orders, dear.” She hands me a cup of water, and I take the pill, anger starting to well up inside me again.
“I thought he was going to lower my dosage,” I snap at her. “Guess not, huh?”
“Go back to your friends now, Sloane.” She smiles and brushes my hair off my shoulder. But I push her hand away and go into the leisure room.
• • •
“Where’d you go?” Realm asks when I sit at the table with him and the guys. They’d already dealt me in, and I pick up my cards.
“Nurse Kell wanted to make sure I stayed obedient,” I tell him.
“I like the sound of that,” Derek says, and they start laughing. Realm just eyes me with concern.
“Hey!” A voice cuts through the air, and I turn to see Tabitha making her way over, her red hair pulled into a messy knot on top of her head. “Realm, I thought you said you weren’t letting anyone else play.”
He sighs, but looks up at her sweetly. “Hello, Tabitha. I’m sorry, but the table is full.”
“Then why does she get to join? That’s not fair, Realm. You promised.”
“Next time, okay?” He smiles at her. She shoots a hateful look in my direction, and then nods sadly before stumbling away.
The guys don’t joke this time and instead start playing the round. She just had this conversation and yet she comes back, like part of her brain is broken. She took QuikDeath, and I wonder if Miller had survived, if he’d—
A thick, choking grief envelops me at the thought of my friend. My Miller, so lost and alone even though we were right there. I’ll never see him again.
There’s a soft touch on my wrist. “You’re crying,” Realm whispers. Startled, I look at him while he takes a cautious glance around at the nurses. He reaches to swipe under my eye with his shirtsleeve and then calls bullshit to no one in particular, just to distract them. They all start laughing and sifting through the cards, but I watch Realm, grateful. We go back to playing, but as the minutes tick by, my reflexes get slower. Soon they’re yelling at me to throw down a card, and I have to fold my hand and step out.
Realm stands when I do. “You don’t look well,” he says.
“Tired. Nurse Kell gave me a pill and—”
“Wait, that’s what happened in the hall? Why would she give it now?”
“I don’t know.”
Realm puts his arm on my mine and steadies me against him. I don’t argue. I’m starting to feel disoriented, and the prospect of getting all the way to my room seems impossible.
“I’ll be back, guys,” Realm says, tossing his cards down. They grumble something I can’t hear, and then Realm is easing me away. “Can I walk you home?” he asks, joking.
I don’t respond and instead hold on to his elbow as he leads us out. Once we’re in the hall, Realm slides his arm over my shoulder. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I’ll get you back safely.”
The hall seems to tilt in front of me, but at the other end I think I see someone. I think I see Roger. I stagger back and grab a handful of Realm’s shirt. “Don’t let him near me like this,” I beg.
“Who?” Realm shoots a glance in Roger’s direction and then freezes. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
Roger looks at us, and I’m suddenly scared that he’ll come for me now, when I’m too weak to fight back. I nearly stumble over my own feet. “Just get me out of here,” I say.
Realm rushes me in the other direction, but his eyes are dark when he looks back over his shoulder at Roger.
When I’m finally in a private room, it takes a second for me to realize it’s not mine. Everything is so foggy. “Where am I?” I ask.
“My room,” Realm says. “Hope that’s okay.” He keeps his head out the door, looking around as if he’s keeping watch. I stagger toward his bed.
“I can take you back to yours when you wake up. You look like you’re about to crash hard,” Realm adds.
I don’t argue about being in his room as I climb onto his bed, laying my head on the pillow with a sigh. My eyes are already closed when Realm comes to cover me with his blankets, tucking them carefully around me.
“I’ll be back later, okay?” he says.
“Mm . . . hmm.”
He chuckles softly and I feel a touch on my forehead—a kiss, I think. And then he leaves to let me sleep off the medication, and I try not to worry about what—or who—will be waiting for me when I get up.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I WAKE UP TO THE SOUND OF SHOUTS COMING FROM the hallway. I sit up suddenly, regretting it the moment I do because it feels like my brain might fall out. Pain pulses in my temples as I try to get my bearings and look around the unfamiliar room.
“Michael!” I hear what sounds like Nurse Kell yell. “Get off him!”
“Stay away from her, or I swear to God, I’ll kill you myself!”
I gasp, sure that’s Realm’s voice. I climb quickly out of the bed and go to the door, opening it just a crack to look out the way Realm does. Halfway down the hall, Realm has got his forearm to Roger’s throat, pinning him to the wall. But Roger isn’t saying anything. He’s just staring back at Realm as if challenging him.
“Michael,” Nurse Kell says again, only softer. She touches Realm’s arm and he suddenly drops it, making Roger stumble to the floor. For a minute I think Realm might kick him, but instead he steps back with obvious restraint.
I open the door more and it creaks, making all of them look over at me. When Realm turns in my direction, I see that one of his eyes is puffed up. Nurse Kell immediately bristles. “Sloane,” she says. “Return to your room.” Then she takes Realm roughly by the elbow. “We need to see Dr. Warren now,” she hisses.
Realm shrugs at me, almost like an apology, and then lets himself be led down the hall. My heart pounds in my chest as it fills with worry. What if they send him away? Hurt him? Realm is my only friend, and what if they take him from me too?
Just then I notice Roger, still sitting on the floor. When my eyes meet his, he winks, and then gets up to hobble away.
• • •
I wait in the dining room, not touching my food as I sit by myself. They haven’t brought Realm back yet and I’m completely panicking. I haven’t told anyone what I saw, but I heard Derek and the other guys say that Realm punched out a handler and now he’s getting shipped off to another facility. My fingers shake as I try to eat a spoonful of Jell-O.
&
nbsp; “Can I sit with you?” Tabitha asks, motioning to the empty chair across from me.
“Oh. Sure.” It’s a chance to see her up close for the first time. She has dyed red hair, but from the roots I imagine it’s naturally dark. Her skin is pale and her eyes are a light hazel. She’s pretty in a really emo sort of way. She sort of reminds me of Lacey—or at least, the old Lacey.
“I see your bandage,” she says, taking the first bite of her food. “Did you try to slit your wrists?”
“Sort of. But I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I was just pissed.”
She laughs. “Yeah, right. So where’s Realm?” she asks, and I suspect it was her real question from the beginning. “He said I could play cards with him today. Oh”—she pauses, smiling—“maybe he’ll let you play too. He’s pretty nice. Cute, too, right?”
I stare at her, trying to see if there are any obvious signs of damage. I’ve never heard of anyone surviving QuikDeath before. Lacey had thought about taking it. She wanted Miller to take it with her.
Wait—Miller. What happened to Miller?
“What’s that look? You don’t think he’s hot?” Tabitha is grinning from ear to ear, but I don’t answer her and instead look down toward my tray.
What the hell happened to Miller? In my mind, it’s like he’s there and then suddenly . . . gone. “Oh my God,” I say. “I can’t remember.”
“Are you okay?” Tabitha asks, sounding frightened. “Should I get the nurse?”
“No,” I say quickly. I stretch my hand out and cover hers. “They’re taking my memories,” I whisper to her. “They’re erasing me.”
She blinks quickly as if she completely understands, but then her eyes glaze over. “Don’t talk like that,” she says pleasantly. “Or you’re going to get us both thrown into a new facility to start over.”
Tabitha abruptly stands, taking her tray with her, and walks away. My hand feels cold on the white table, and I’m shaking. First the ring and now Miller. What else is missing that I can’t find? What’s happening to me?
And suddenly, I know. I know what I have to do if I plan to make it through this. I leave my tray on the table and walk toward the exit doors. I’m almost there when an older handler stops me.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“Bathroom.”
“There’s a bathroom here,” he motions toward the back of the room. I try to think fast.
“No tampons in there.”
He stares me down, as if he can tell if I’m menstruating just by looking at me, and then he waves me out. “Hurry up,” he says before going back to monitoring the room.
I rush out into the hall, not sure where I’ll find him. Desperation is making tears sting my eyes, but I blink them back. I need to be stronger. I need to save myself.
It’s when I pass the supply closet that I see him and skid to a stop, sliding in my slipper socks. Disgust twists in my stomach as I watch him counting off rolls of toilet paper and then marking the number on a clipboard. When he notices me, he smiles.
“Hello, Miss Barstow. Can I help you with something?”
“Yes, Roger.” I nearly choke on his name. “I guess you can.”
• • •
Roger locks up the supply closet and leads me back to my room, smiling the entire way, even humming a song. I can barely push myself forward, but I have no choice. The Program has given me no choice but to hold on to what I can.
Roger opens my door and steps aside for me to walk in. When I pass him I smell the strong scent of mints, and I know I’ll never be able to taste peppermint again without gagging. I pause just inside the room, not looking at the bed.
When Roger shuts the door and locks it, I cross my arms over my chest. “First tell me what’s going to happen to Realm.”
Roger chuckles. “Oh, I’m sure Michael Realm will be just fine. He has a habit of getting out of things the rest of you are punished for.”
I furrow my brow. “What does that mean?”
“It means he’ll be back soon. Now I hope this isn’t why you took me aside, Sloane.” He cocks his head as if truly curious. I’m terrified.
“How do I know you can really give me my memories?”
“I can’t give you back your memories,” he says, almost apologetically. “What I can do is let you hold on to select memories. Block them from the antigens.”
“Antigens?”
“The little yellow pill you take,” he says. “It seeks out your memories, the ones that are targeted by Dr. Warren. First you take the red—a sort of truth serum, if you will. And while you talk, it acts like a dye, attaching itself to the thoughts. Then you take the yellow to wipe them all away. It’s not exact, but soon you’ll have less and less to sort through, and they’ll be easier to pinpoint.”
The pills—they’re eating my memories. Dr. Warren said they were just to relax me, but she lied. What else has she lied about?
“How can you help?” I ask Roger. “What can you do to stop them from erasing me?”
He reaches into his pocket and opens a small container. He pinches out a small purple pill. “This can save one stray thought, one thing you don’t want to lose. Of course, it might make you sick, but it could be worth the risk. And if you tell Dr. Warren about this, they’ll strip your mind completely. So if you take it, know that this has to stay between us.”
I look at the little pill he holds up, not sure if it can be true. If he’s just lying to do something horrible to me. “And what do you want in exchange?” I ask, fearing the answer.
He smiles then, the skin crinkling around his eyes. “I’m not a monster, Sloane. Maybe all I want is a kiss.” He pauses. “This time.”
“Bartering for sex?” I try to sound appalled, but I knew it would come to this. I knew and I still asked him here. I had just been hoping for a different answer.
“Course not,” he says. “Like I said, a kiss. A little affection. Affection is good for your therapy, Sloane. Did they not tell you that? In fact, I think you’ve already found that out yourself.”
I know he’s talking about Realm, but I don’t bother responding. He thinks Realm and I are in a relationship, but that will never happen. I’m going back to James.
I reach out and take the pill from Roger’s hands, examining it. “How does it work?”
“You’ll have to concentrate on a single memory. Then you swallow the pill and hold the thought. Don’t mix the memory with anything else or widen the scope, otherwise it won’t be clear in your head.”
I look between the pill and the handler, my throat dry and my hands clammy. It’s just a kiss, but it’s like he’s asking me to jump off a bridge. I can’t move any closer to him, and I feel my resolve start to fade.
“What’s it worth to you, Sloane?” he asks softly. “What’s your past worth?”
And with that a few tears leak out. I think of James. Brady and Miller. The part of me that won’t survive The Program. Maybe this one pill can change the outcome. Maybe it can save me.
“Just one kiss,” I tell him.
Roger laughs. “Yes, but I say how long. And it has to be good, Sloane. I want to feel your passion.”
I wipe hard at my face, pulling the skin roughly until it hurts. I slip the pill into the pocket of my robe and take an unsteady step forward. I look Roger straight in the eyes. “Make no mistake,” I whisper. “I hate you.”
He smiles. “I like a challenge.” He grabs me roughly, pinching my upper arm as he pulls me against him, his other arm snaking around me. His mouth is on mine, wet and strong. I try to turn away at first, but he just squeezes harder, and I can feel how turned on he is as he presses against me.
I whimper and try to move back as his tongue licks my lips.
“Make me believe it,” he breathes. “Or I take the pill back.” He kisses me again, and this time I let his tongue inside my mouth. Peppermint coats my lips and I can’t stand the taste. I can’t stand another second of it.
Tears continue to trickle down
my cheeks as his hand touches my ass, holding me tight against him. His other hand grips the back of my neck and tilts it so he can kiss me there. “You taste delicious,” he says into my skin.
I try to pretend it’s James, but Roger’s touch is too aggressive. James would never touch me like this. James would never do this to me. Soon I’m sobbing and Roger comes to kiss me once more, his hand sliding under my shirt. And finally I snap and bring my knee up, missing his balls, but connecting with his thigh. He yelps and jumps back. But as I stand there in front of him, soft cries still escaping my lips, he laughs.
“Oh, come on, Sloane,” he says coldly. “It wasn’t that bad. Other girls trade much more.”
“Get out,” I manage to say, and I back against the footboard of my bed. “Get out!” I scream.
He flinches and then looks behind him at the door. “Fine,” he says, putting up his hand. “But understand this is between us. If you tell—”
“I know.” I can’t stop crying. I spit out the taste of him right there on the linoleum tile and he looks at it, surprised that I’m even upset.
“Next dose is for bare skin,” he warns. “And I suggest you get ahold of yourself because the crying doesn’t really work for me.” With that he turns and leaves, shutting the door behind him.
CHAPTER EIGHT
WHEN THE TEARS HAVE DRIED, I’M IN MY BED, LYING under the covers. I know it won’t be long before they come looking for me, wondering where I am. But I can’t go back to the dining hall because my body won’t stop shaking.
I take the pill out of my pocket and stare at it. It might not even work, but I have to try. I have to fight. This is my last chance to keep from losing everything.
I put the pill in my mouth and swallow it dry, coughing once when it gets stuck, but then getting it down. I know what I have to remember. It’s not romantic. It’s not something cherished. But I hope it’ll lead to some answers when I get out. Next pill, I’ll capture a perfect memory with James.