My mother presses her lips together, thinking. “Maybe in a few weeks—when things settle down.”
I don’t like her answer but I don’t tell her.
“And the boy?” she asks offhandedly.
I laugh. “There’s no boy. I was just wondering about someone in my math class. It’s no big deal.”
My mother smiles, but it looks forced, and I feel my heart sink. She’s not going to let Lacey come here, and she certainly isn’t going to let me date anyone—possibly ever. I’m starting to think that I need to find Realm. I’m not sure there is anyone else I can confide in. He’d told me to wait to find him, but I can’t. I need someone to talk to, someone who will understand. I wonder if Kevin will take me to him now.
My mother reaches out to brush my hair behind my ear. “I’m glad we had this talk,” she says, gazing at me lovingly. “We’re so happy to have you home, honey. You have no idea how much we’ve missed you.”
I tell her I missed her, too, but really I’m thinking about the ache that has started deep in my chest, a pain that I can’t place and I can’t understand. It’s like longing, whether for myself or someone else, I don’t know. There is a part of me missing and no matter what I do, I’m not sure I’ll ever fill it.
• • •
It’s nearly a week later, and I’m in math class again. Kevin told me that I wasn’t ready to see Realm because I haven’t healed yet, and it’s imperative for my brain to do so. He reminded me that although he’s looking out for me as a favor for Realm, he really is concerned for my health and that it is his first priority.
James Murphy sits in the desk next to me, paying attention as our teacher continues to talk. I lower my head, letting my hair fall forward, blocking the right side of my face enough so that I can stare at James through my dark hair.
The scars on his bicep are white, but they’ve got a weird crisscrossing pattern. I can’t figure out what could have caused that sort of injury, but it’s not angry and pink like a normal scar. Is it a burn?
James glances sideways, catching me looking at his arm. His face is expressionless, and he turns back to the front, as if he didn’t notice me at all. I swallow hard.
I go back to my notebook and copy down a few problems from the board. I look at Kevin, who’s staring out the window, daydreaming. I peek at James again, the thought that he refuses to acknowledge me making me that much more curious about him. And although I’m not checking him out, I do notice how attractive he is—I mean, I can’t really miss it. He isn’t overly styled: in fact, his chin is unshaven, the stubble there a little darker than his hair. When I look at his mouth, there’s a ghost of a smile there, even though he’s staring straight ahead. James leans forward and turns the page of his notebook, jotting something down quickly.
I watch as he turns the spiral-bound notebook sideways, continuing to stare ahead. I’m not sure what he’s doing when he silently taps his finger on the page.
I realize suddenly that he wants me to read it. I lean over slightly.
Why are you staring at me?
He darts a glance in my direction, and I can feel the heat in my cheeks, my embarrassment getting the best of me. I shrug.
James nods and goes back to his notebook, scribbling something else before turning it toward me.
It’s giving me a complex.
A laugh escapes from my lips, and I quickly cover my mouth. Nearly half the class turns toward the sound, but James is the picture of innocence as he flips back to his original page and folds his hands in front of him.
“Is there a problem, Sloane?” the teacher asks. Within seconds Kevin is standing at my side, looking concerned.
“No,” I say. “I’m sorry. I choked on a piece of gum.”
“Perhaps that’s why we don’t allow gum in the classroom,” the teacher responds, sounding annoyed at the interruption.
“Are you not feeling well?” Kevin whispers. “Maybe we should go out into the hall for some air.”
“No,” I say instantly. “I’m fine. Really.”
Kevin shoots a nervous look at James, and then walks to the front and interrupts our teacher midsentence. I don’t dare turn to James, but I can feel him watching me.
“Of course,” the teacher says to my handler. “Sloane, can you come sit in the front, please?”
I gather my things quickly and take an empty desk directly to the side of the teacher. I sit there for the rest of class, feeling kind of humiliated. But maybe just a little bit charmed.
After class Kevin pulls me aside and levels his stare on mine. “What was that about in there?” he asks.
“I laughed. It’s not a huge deal.” I don’t appreciate him being so nosy, but then I think that a regular handler might be a lot more intrusive than Kevin’s being right now.
“Do you know James Murphy?” he asks.
“No.”
Kevin exhales as he straightens. “Then let’s keep it that way. James isn’t the sort you want to get to know, Sloane. I can’t protect you if you’re going to go down that path.”
“And what path is that?”
“A self-destructive one. Just promise me you’ll stay away from him. Please.”
I don’t like being told who I can and can’t associate with. But Kevin’s eyes are pleading with me, so I nod, even though it’s going to be a hard promise to keep.
CHAPTER FIVE
LACEY HAS TAKEN UP PERMANENT RESIDENCE ACROSS from me at the lunch table, always sharing her cupcakes, always entertaining me with her stories about guys. I haven’t been back to the Wellness Center since that first time, and Lacey hasn’t mentioned meeting her there again. I just hope my mother will eventually let her come over to our house.
“Oh,” Lacey says, biting into the orange frosting. “I ended up having coffee with a new guy last night.” She beams.
“Really?” I have to admit, I’m a little jealous. The thought of going out on a date sounds so exciting, so free. Even if I were allowed to date, I’d have to take Kevin along. How creepy would that be?
“He’s cute,” Lacey starts. “He has a car, and best of all, he’s over eighteen.”
“So no Program?”
“Right. He’s so freaking normal I’d say he was boring, but right now I don’t mind. He knows how to kiss.”
I laugh. “I think that may be the real reason you like him.”
“It’s not funny,” she says, tossing a rolled-up straw wrapper at me. “Overusage of tongue is a serious problem. I think that’s the real epidemic here.”
I’m cracking up. Kevin stands more alert from the side of the room as he watches us, but I can’t stop.
“And yes, part of why I like him is his technique. But I have plenty of other reasons, too.” She grins. “He’s really nice to look at.”
“Wow,” I say. “With so much in common, I think you may be soul mates.”
“Oh, shut up.” She laughs. “I’ll tell you one thing,” she says, getting more serious. “The minute I graduate, I’m out of this town. Out of this state. I hear that back east they’ve contained the outbreak without The Program. Think of all the normal people who’ll be walking around there.”
I widen my eyes. “They’ve contained it? I didn’t hear that.”
“It’s not mainstream news,” she says, sipping from her drink. “Total underground, but it’s for real.” She smiles. “Maybe you’ll come with me.”
“I’d have to take Kevin with me,” I say, motioning toward my handler.
Lacey seems to consider this. “He can come,” she murmurs, running her gaze over him. “I like blonds.”
Kevin notices us eying him. Lacey laughs and turns back to her cupcake.
“So,” I ask a few minutes later. “Did you keep any friends from The Program?”
Lacey shakes her head. “Nope. They were all pretty lame.” She glances up at me mischievously. “Are you thinking of finding your friend—the one with benefits?”
“He didn’t have those kind of benef
its, and yes, I’m thinking about it. Do you think I should? Do you think it could make me sick again?”
Lacey’s expression darkens. “I wish I knew what makes us sick, Sloane. But we don’t know. And neither do they. I say you go find him. You deserve to live the life you want.” There’s a hint of tragedy in her voice, as if she’s wondered about getting sick again before.
Over Lacey’s shoulder I notice James Murphy watching us, and there’s a twist in my stomach, both anxious and excited. Lacey must read it because she turns around and sees him, and then looks back to me.
“I knew you liked him.”
“No, I don’t,” I answer quickly. “It’s just that he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me, and to be honest, it makes him that much hotter.” We both laugh.
“Well, trust me,” she says, crumpling her wrappers, “James may be hot, but he’s a troublemaker. Someone like him could get you flagged again. So make sure you enjoy him for what he is: eye candy.” She winks and then walks away.
• • •
At the end of the day I’m at my locker, but Kevin is nowhere in sight. I consider waiting for him, but then I realize I’m happy to be on my own. I hurry outside. It’s my handler’s responsibility to find me, not vice versa.
It’s a nice day out. The sun is warm in a cloudless sky and I actually enjoy the walk. A few people look at me, as if realizing I shouldn’t be unescorted, but they still say hi to me. It isn’t until I’m a few blocks away that I realize how truly far my house is. Maybe I should call my mother for a ride.
“Hey. It’s Sloane, right?”
I’m startled by the voice and turn to the street as a car slows next to me. I duck to look in the passenger window and abruptly stop on the sidewalk. “Yeah.”
“I’m James,” he says. “You know, the one you stare at in class.”
My cheeks warm, but I try to play it off. “I don’t stare at you.”
He smiles to himself, clearly knowing that I do. “So can I give you a ride somewhere?”
I’m embarrassed and not sure this is a good idea at all. Kevin had said to stay away from James, that he was on a self-destructive path. “We’re not supposed to talk to each other,” I say.
“Really? Well, if you’d like we can drive in complete silence.”
I laugh, adjusting the strap of my backpack on my shoulder. “This your car?” I ask.
“Nope. Does that mean you’ll get in?”
“I shouldn’t take rides from strangers,” I say. James lowers his eyes, his playfulness fading. “But . . . ,” I continue. “You seem harmless enough.”
He looks surprised. “I do?”
“No. You look like you’re going to cause me a lot of problems. But it’s a long walk home.” I step off the curb and open the passenger door. He doesn’t say anything as we pull away, and when we pass the turn for my house, I don’t tell him. I clear my throat.
“Do you think they follow us?” I ask.
“Who?”
“The handlers.”
James taps his thumb on the steering wheel as he takes a left onto the main road, passing all the car dealerships and restaurants. “Yes. But not today. They all rushed off to the high school, some big incident they’re trying to keep quiet.”
“Is that where my handler went? I thought he just got tired of me.”
“He definitely could have.” James smiles. “You seem like the pain-in-the-ass sort—a twinkle in your eye. But more likely he was Tasing someone in the hallway. He’ll probably drive by your house later. They still drive by mine sometimes.”
“Oh.” I honestly didn’t know that Kevin drove by my house, and it makes me a bit uneasy. “So what do you think they’ll do if they see us together?”
“Nothing. What are they going to do—spank us?” He chuckles.
“They could put us back in—”
“Sloane,” James interrupts. “Are you hungry? Maybe we could hit Denny’s or something. I like pancakes.”
“People will see us at Denny’s,” I answer quietly.
“Right, good point.” He turns to smile at me, but it seems strained, as if his confidence is just an act. “McDonald’s drive-through?”
“Why did you really offer me a ride home?” I ask, my curiosity too much. James has ignored me since standing up for me at the Wellness Center, and now he’s talking to me. Driving me around.
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“Then why did you—”
“I really don’t know. I don’t want friends, Sloane. I just want to graduate and get the hell out of here.” He exhales, staring out the windshield. “And then you show up, watching me with your big brown eyes. Looking at me like you know me.”
“I don’t know you.”
“And I don’t know you. So why did I care that that asshole was being mean to you outside on the patio that night? Why have I worried about you since? Can you explain it?” He sounds frustrated, and I realize that he has the same conflicting feelings that I do. Emotions that are there, but without cause. Feelings that aren’t attached to memories and therefore meaningless. I’m suddenly scared and think about James being high-risk.
“I’m on Hillsdale Drive,” I murmur. “You passed my street a while back.”
James makes a sound like he’s about to say something, but instead he makes a hard U-turn and drives us back in the direction of my house. He doesn’t talk, and the tension grows. A pain starts to work through my body, a dread. An ache. I want to get far away from James Murphy because I think he may be the cause of it. I feel . . . sick.
When he stops in front of my driveway, I move quickly to get out. I toss back a thank-you and hurry toward my front door, glad my parents aren’t home to see me so flustered. When I get on the porch, I glance over my shoulder. The car is still there, James is talking to himself and looking pissed. I pause right where I am as I watch him wipe roughly at his cheek and pull away.
CHAPTER SIX
“SO I KNOW YOU AND JAMES AREN’T AT ALL INTO each other,” Lacey says, biting into her cupcake as she sits across from me in the cafeteria. “But he’s been watching you this entire time. I might start feeling bad for him if you don’t at least acknowledge him.”
I don’t, keeping my back to his end of the cafeteria as I eat my lunch. James makes me self-conscious. His shifts between flirting and avoiding me are stirring up emotions I don’t understand. And I don’t want to get sick again.
“Okay,” Lacey says when I don’t answer. “I’m just saying the more you ignore him, the more I’m convinced you’re in love with the guy. And he looks positively pathetic today.”
“He does not. And I don’t even know him, so how can I love him?”
Lacey smiles as if I just told her that I want to marry him and have his blond-headed babies. “Well, whatever you’re doing,” she says, “you’re messing him up hardcore.”
I worry suddenly that she’s right. What if by talking to him I started some chain reaction of events? What if we get infected again because of me?
I put my chin on my shoulder and look back at James. When I do, he straightens. He holds my stare in a way that pins me in place until I hear Lacey calling my name, making me turn around.
“Oh, Lord,” she mumbles. “This is not going to end well.”
“Let’s just drop it.”
“Fine.” She holds up her hands as if I’m a lost cause. “I do have something for you though.”
This peaks my interest. “Yeah?”
“It’s a little trick I learned a few weeks into my return.” With a cautious glance at Kevin, she reaches down to take something from her backpack. She taps my knee as she passes it to me under the table.
“What is it?” I ask, bringing it onto my lap to look it over. It’s a small pad of paper with the name of the school psychologist at the top. The entire pad has been filled out with his signature, requiring only the date and time. I look across the table at Lacey, my eyes wide.
“If you need some time off,?
?? she whispers. “Just fill it in and give it to your teacher. They never check. They expect us to be in therapy—they definitely don’t expect us to skip. We’re the good ones, remember? Sorry that I’ve used up half the passes already.” When I look at her questioningly, she shrugs. “What? How did you think I found the time to sample so many flavors?”
I laugh, thinking about Lacey sneaking around school, making out with guys behind the building or in the custodian’s closet. And then, completely not meaning to, I take another look back at James. And he smiles.
“Not interested at all,” Lacey says offhandedly. “So sure.”
• • •
I don’t waste any time using the pass. It’s like having the key to an intricate lock right there in your pocket. Before my final class, I fill one out and then pause at the entryway, trying not to give myself away. After a deep breath, I turn to Kevin.
“I actually have a session with Mr. Andrews,” I say, motioning back toward the office. “It’ll probably last through the end of the day.”
Kevin glances at his watch and then nods. “I’ll walk you there.”
I smile as my heart explodes with panic in my chest. “Oh. Sure. Okay.” Kevin waits as I show my teacher the fake pass, letting him mark me as present in the roster. Then he dismisses me.
I don’t talk as Kevin and I head down the empty hall toward the office. I don’t know what I was thinking. My handler is going to see that I don’t have a session, and then he’s going to check the pass. I’m going to get so busted. I don’t think he’ll be able to ignore this, no matter what sort of favor he’s doing for Realm.
And where will I tell him I got it from? I won’t turn Lacey in. They can put me back in The Program if they have to.
The Program. An acute sense of dread slips over me, and I consider confessing to Kevin that I don’t have a session; asking him not to turn me in. But that would just be stupid. I have to ride this out, and if that fails, deny, deny, deny.