Rafe watched as Adele pushed a wisp of hair back from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear. She was unaware of his eyes upon her, all her attention was on the robin that hopped about on the frozen earth, pecking at the crumbs she had scattered for it.
She must be tired, she had to be. Eda was even now asleep, curled up in the shelter of a fallen log. It was Eda who had begged for rest, for food, but never once had Adele demanded anything. No word of complaint had passed her lips, yet still he was uneasy.
Adele and Eda had talk in a desultory manner, but there had been silence between himself and her for too long. At first he had not noticed, his head was too full of plans and worries for him to spare a thought for conversation. However, for a long while he had been conscious of the deafening silence between them, and had been made uncomfortable by it.
That was strange in itself because he had been used to long marches from an early age and had never found the quiet awkward before. Certainly he had never voluntarily conversed with any lady not related to him. He was surprised to find that the hush had become oppressive. He longed for her to say something, however inconsequential, to show him that she was not upset that he had ignored her for so long. Maybe he should talk to her, but he could think of nothing to say.
The robin, encouraged by Adele’s stillness and enticed by the crumbs, bravely moved a little nearer. Adele smiled, breaking another piece of rye bread and crumbling it on to the floor. The robin fluttered away nervously and Adele laughed.
“’Tis only crumbs, you silly thing.”
The robin cocked its head to one side, regarding her speculatively from one beady eye. A moment later it hopped a little nearer again. He was so close that Rafe could see with incredible clarity the overlapping feathers on his bright red chest. He realised that he had never really looked at a robin before, not really looked.
“He’s a handsome fellow, isn’t he?”
Rafe was startled to hear Adele’s warm and friendly voice. He looked up to find her regarding him from wide, clear eyes.
“Welcome back to the land of the living; you were gone a long time you know.” She was still smiling, there was no reproach in her words.
“I was thinking,” answered Rafe apologetically. “Forgive me, I have not been very good company for you.”
“You are worried,” shrugged Adele. “I only hope that you have found some solution to the problem that vexes you so. It is not pleasant to be always troubled.” She scattered a few more crumbs for the waiting robin. “You know, this little fellow reminds me of a passage in the Bible.” Adele smiled again. “When Jesus was teaching upon the Mount of Olives and he said to take a lesson from the lilies of the field because they neither toil nor spin but even Solomon in all his glory was not comparable to one of them.” Her serene eyes drifted up to meet his gaze. “’Tis true; for I have never yet seen a fabric that could equal this little robin redbreast.”
Rafe stared hard into her softly unfocused eyes for some moments.
“You are a very unusual girl.”
The words slipped from his mouth before he could check them. Adele’s gaze met his and, for the first time in the short while he had known her, he saw that it was clouded with uncertainty.
He had meant to compliment her, in his own mind it had been a praising description, although it was true that he never meant to speak the words out loud. It seemed that although she might well be unusual, she did have one thing in common with the rest of her sex. That was the belief that in a woman, unusual was not an epithet to aspire to. She had taken the comment to be little better than a slight and was embarrassed, he could tell.
It was with some surprise that he discovered that he would have given a great deal to unsay those words, or to come into possession of others that would assure her of his meaning. Unfortunately, he had none.
He knew not how to converse with women, although there were many who would have refuted that statement. Rafe was held as a favourite with ladies; they thought him charming, attentively courteous, and yet still retaining that elusive air of reckless danger.
Rafe had never been easy in their company, it had rendered him silent. Strangely enough this silence had the effect of inspiring admiration in female hearts. These ladies believed that his lack of words had betrayed a great depth of emotion and sympathy.
Gradually he had learnt to suffer the discomfort he felt in their presence stoically. He had never found their conversation particularly interesting, but then again he had not found it to be fraught with as many difficulties as conversation with Adele so often was. Indeed these ladies would have said, had they been asked, that it was possible to converse with Lord Rafe in complete openness.
Rafe was innately polite, and had always listened to their prattle in well concealed boredom. These ladies had been left with the impression that he was a wonderfully sensitive man, with whom a lady could always enjoy a deep and meaningful conversation, in which the souls of the principals had been poured out with unrestrained and frank honesty. The fact that Lord Rafe rarely said a word, but listened in silence while the lady in question divested herself of her opinions on every subject under the sun, completely escaped them. This left said Lady with the impression that Rafe were something of a fountain of wisdom.
Thankfully there had never been the need to say very much. It had often been Rafe’s reflection that ladies were quite capable of holding a conversation without the participation of a second party. In fact they seemed vaguely put out when one interrupted them half way through their monologue.
It was different with Adele, she required active participation. To her conversation was to learn about others, not discussing, at length and in great detail, her own feelings and needs. He should have found the change refreshing, and in a way he did, but he found it alarming too.
Adele would have been greatly surprised to know that Rafe had any interest in her at all, and her opinion of his last remark was not well defined. She was conscious of a sinking feeling of disappointment, tangled up with hurt and embarrassment.
It had never occurred to Adele that she might be different to other girls. She had thought that the whole point of her training at the fort was that she might conform to the idea of a proper wife. It came as something of a shock to find that this was not so, and she knew a sudden and uncomfortable fear that perhaps she would not please Lord Rafe, that he too would be disappointed.
“Are you thirsty, Lady Adele?”
Rafe didn’t know what she was thinking, but he misliked the look of perturbed concentration on her face. She looked up at him, not having heard what he had said but knowing that he had addressed her. Her large, troubled eyes met his and he felt as if the breath were knocked from his body. Suddenly he heard himself speaking.
“I did not mean that!” He registered the meaning of his words and began to stammer. “That is… ‘tis not that I didn’t mean it, ‘tis just… I just…”
He broke off, unsure if his tangled explanations were making it worse. He was relieved to find that the worry had faded from her eyes and that they were filled with the beginnings of mirth.
“You are funny when you become nervous.”
“I am not nervous!” Rafe looked vaguely revolted by this description. “It is only that I did not mean it like that.” Again he looked sheepish. “All I meant was, that to be different… ’tis good... that is, Lord Rafe will be pleased.” He broke off abruptly again.
“You do not think Lord Rafe will mind?” asked Adele blushing. “You think he will like it, Finn?”
“I… yes.” Rafe cleared his throat and stood, looking in the direction in which they had come.
The conversation was becoming a little too complicated, too difficult. He even had a vague suspicion that the discussion should not have been taking place.
As he looked through the trees, his eyes keen and searching, worry entered his face. Again Adele saw it, saw his mind change track and begin on lines wholly different to those of a few moments before. He was gone a
gain, lost to her as a companion. Though his form was still there, standing across from her, his mind was somewhere else, somewhere along the trail that they had traversed, restless, questing, searching for answers, for something that she did not know.
“Finn?”
Rafe turned at the sound of her voice, it was low, gently probing, and for a few seconds he said nothing as he tried to recover his wondering thoughts. She didn’t speak again, did not question him. Rather she sat looking up, her eyes placid, waiting for him to respond. He had the feeling that she was not requesting confidences, but merely seeking reassurance; the comfort of companionship with another person.
“You look tired.”
“So do you,” she replied. “In truth I think you must be more weary than I; for ‘tis you who must bear the responsibility of our journey.” She stole a look up at him from beneath lowered lashes. “And I think you are plagued by much worry, more even than befits the gravity of our situation.”
Rafe was taken back, few were the people who could read his thoughts with such a degree of perspicacity, and rare was the person who could hold their curiosity in check. She didn’t question him further, or try to find out from whence these other worries came. For some reason her understanding unsettled him.
“We have yet much ground to cover before we make camp tonight, it is best that we move along now.”
Adele stood, brushing a few lingering crumbs from the fabric of her cloak.
“Yes indeed we should, for I fear we are to expect rain before the day is much older.” She tilted her head upwards and gazed up at the darkening sky.
Rafe was pretty sure that they were in for a drenching and that the rain would last for some time. However much he might have with otherwise, there was no option but to continue through it. Adele bent to touch Eda’s shoulder lightly.
“Eda… wake up, we have to move on now.”
Eda groaned, snuggling her head further down in to the warmth of her cloak.
“Now, Eda! Do you want us all to be caught?”
“I think I would prefer capture to this.” She sat up, stretched and then winced. “I feel as though I had been carrying Charger instead of the other way round.”
“And you look as though birds have taken up residence in your hair.” Adele’s voice was soothing as she dragged her friend to her feet. “By all means let us think of these cheering things.”
Eda’s hand flew to her hair and she tried to smooth it into some semblance of order.
“I never even thought…” Her fingers worked frantically for a few moments and then she shrugged. “’Tis an impossible task and who is here to see anyway.”
Adele smiled turning to Rafe.
“You will notice, Finn, that we are no one.”
Rafe froze momentarily, hearing his own words ringing in his ears. Those were the very words that he had used when talking to Finan the day he had left Valrek. The memory seemed to taunt him; he didn’t know why, maybe it was just the reminder of his deceit, but suddenly he was uneasy again.
As they began to move through the trees, Rafe felt the first few drops of rain fall. The light shower soon turned into a heavy downpour, soaking his head and shoulders and running down his neck, uncomfortable and icy cold. Rafe shivered and pulled the cloak tight.
They were travelling downward into a valley that he knew well. The going was tricky on horseback once there was rain on the ground, and he knew that they would have to reach the bottom quickly before the route became dangerously impassable. Valiant slithered and scrambled to regain his footing. Rafe heard Eda scream as, for a few dangerous moments, the slippery ground gave way beneath the horse.
“I think it would be best if we dismount.” Rafe eased from his saddle and turned to Eda and Adele, his hand held out.
“And I thought our day could not improve,” muttered Eda, sliding from Charger’s back. “Yet now we have the added pleasure of trawling through the mud.”
Adele cast a quick glance at Rafe. She was pretty sure that Eda’s quips were beginning to irritate him.
“Eda, enough.” Her voice was quiet but as Eda turned to argue, she met a look of reproof that silenced her.
They plodded on, Rafe had taken the reins of both horses and did not dare to look behind lest he meet Adele’s eyes and find them filled with misery and tearfulness. Marching in the rain was one of the most disheartening and demoralizing experiences he had ever come across.
He remembered back to Mistress Ardith’s warnings, that Adele was not used to anything rough, that she could not be expected to endure any hardship. He even seemed to recall something about Adele being delicate…
Great goodness, that didn’t mean that she was liable to be taken ill did it? Rafe could feel the blood drain from his face. Of all the things that he did not need an ill female ranked close to the top of his list. What would he do if she were to become unwell? It was entirely possible that she would catch a chill in these conditions, then what would he do? A rich giggle interrupted his frenzied thoughts, and he turned to Adele to see merry eyes laughing up at him.
“What is it?”
“Nothing, ‘tis just,” Adele broke off with a yelp as she slipped on the mud and began to giggle again. “I cannot seem to stop!”
Even as she spoke she made a grab for the tree nearest to her, falling against it and wrapping both arms around its narrow trunk. Adele sagged against it, laughing helplessly. Rafe found himself grinning, and held out a hand toward her.
“I shall steady you.” The words had not left his mouth before he found himself fighting for his balance, and he heard Adele laughing ever harder.
“Or take me down with you!”
Rafe’s hand was still held out toward her so she released the tree, moving in his direction slowly. He was still some way out of her reach when she gave a yell and slithered straight into his arms.
The force of her cannoning into him almost knocked Rafe off his feet, and they swayed dangerously for some seconds. Adele was still laughing, clinging to him weakly, her whole form trembling with amusement. Rafe released the tight hold he had upon her, unwinding his arms and transferring his grip to her shoulders.
“Are you alright?”
“So far!” she gasped. “I cannot think how you managed to stay upright.”
Rafe could have told her that a battle field soon turned to mud beneath a soldier’s feet, and that a warrior valued his balance, knowing that if he fell it were unlikely he would rise again. Still, this rather grim statement would have brought her merriment to an abrupt end. He hadn’t realised until then just how morose he had become in some respects.
“You are wet through,” Rafe noted.
Adele smiled up at him, laughing again.
“’Tis raining, had you not noticed?”
Rafe realised the inanity of his statement and began to chuckle. Taking her icy cold hand in his, he turned and they began to walk again.
“Wait, wait!” Adele pulled against him, a gentle pressure that caused him to pause. She turned to Eda, holding out her other hand. “Come Eda, then we may all be steady.”
Eda slithered toward them and latched onto Adele firmly.
“Thank you.” Eda looked pointedly at Rafe. “’Tis nice to know that someone cares if I break my neck or not.”
“To tell the truth I had forgotten all about you,” answered Rafe.
“I guessed that to be the case,” replied Eda coolly.
Rafe sent her a scornful look.
“Do you really believe that either of you women have been absent from my thoughts for one second since I took you in to my care?”
Eda looked surprised and made to answer, but Adele pinched her fingers, stopping her from speaking. She didn’t know why Eda couldn’t see that Finn had not expected an answer, did not want an answer. Why couldn’t she see that he did not appreciate her questioning his actions. Adele frowned, trying to think of some way to shatter the awkward silence.
“Finn, why
is Lord Rafe’s army at…” Adele broke off and looked up at him questioningly.
“Merrodon, ‘tis to the east of the kingdom.”
“Oh yes, I could not perfectly recall the name.” Adele blew a lock of hair back from her face. “Why is Lord Rafe there?”
“Who told you Lord Rafe was at Merrodon?” he asked, his voice taking on an edge of sternness.
“Why, you did.”
Rafe searched feverishly through his mind to see if this was so, and remembered that he had indeed implied that Lord Rafe was at Merrodon. He closed his eyes.
What was he going to do? He could hardly tell her that Lord Rafe was not after all at Merrodon. She would be confused, and besides Finan was at Merrodon and posing as him. It was very unlikely that she would not somehow find out about that when they arrived…
Great goodness! Finan: at that moment pretending to be Lord Rafe! And Adele on her way with the man she thought to be Finan to Merrodon! What an awful mess!
If ever he managed to extricate himself from this horrendous tangle, he would never seek to mislead anyone ever again. What was he going to do? Before him he could see great and complicated situations arising from his having to keep Adele from the truth, as well as keeping Finan’s pretended identity a secret from her, at least until he had had a chance to explain it all to her after they had arrived.
Perhaps it would be best if she did not meet Finan at all. He could not be Lord Rafe, and it was impossible for him to be Finan. That would mean the assuming of yet another name, and Rafe could hardly see that that would help the situation. The thought of just what was to come about from these many and complicated little deceptions, brought him out in a cold sweat.
“Finn? Are you alright?” Adele’s voice was filled with concern. “You’ve become so pale, you are not ill are you?”
Rafe shook his head as if doing so would clear his mind.
“I am well.”
Adele looked a little worried, but she did not question him further on the matter. They walked on in silence and after a few moments she began to whistle a merry tune under her breath. Rafe listened to the bright sound in amusement.
“Who taught you to whistle?”
“Randwulf did,” answered Adele blithely, only to blush faintly at the look that entered Rafe’s eyes. He noticed her colour rise and connected it, not with his reaction to her confidence, but to the name she had mentioned.
He wasn’t sure how he felt about this ‘Randwulf’, all he knew was that the added complication filled him with uneasiness. At first he had felt anger; he had become used to thinking himself the only man that Adele knew, and had been sorry to find that this was not actually so. Now he was beginning to worry, for just what had Randwulf’s relationship with Adele been?
Friend?
Confidant?
Or more than that?
Was it possible that they had been… attached in some way? He looked back at Adele. She bore no signs of being a star crossed lover. Then again; did he really know what a person in that unfortunate state looked like? Rafe confessed to himself that he had no knowledge or experience of that sort of love; the sort between a man and a maid.
For a certainty he had on occasion taken pleasure in watching pretty women. He had enjoyed seeing their smiles and, so long as they did not expect him to talk to them, he enjoyed their company. However, he had never felt the least wish to commit any folly. He did not desire to whisper sweet and, to his way of thinking, ridiculous nothings in their ears, or steal highly inappropriate kisses from them which would only lead to unpleasant and uncomfortable consequences to himself.
Nor had he ever viewed one woman above another. At least, he might have had a vague notion that such and such was prettier than so and so. However, he had never actually placed them, their personalities, above each other. He had never known enough of them to do that, and had never cared enough to try to know them better. Quite apart from the natural antipathy he felt towards such a course, he had always known that there would have been little point. For just as surely as Adele had been bound to him with a promise, he had bound himself to her in faithfulness with a promise that he would break for no man… or woman.
Chapter Nine