"Yew are mucking me? Go! Take care of it! Immediatement!"
The guy marched off.
"What's a pig bucket?" I said.
The garde-manger grinned. "It's that thing by the dishwasher."
That thing was a huge plastic garbage can - overflowing with uneaten food.
"Shovel's out back," the garde-manger said. "Go. Or I'll call Marcel back."
95 X haven't decided what I'm going to do when or if I survive this war and actually become an adult. But one thing I know for sure. It won't involve working in a restaurant.
As an Animorph, I've done lots of disgusting things. Heck, I've been lots of disgusting things. But I can tell you, nothing I've done before quite compared to emptying that pig bucket.
It only took a few minutes. But they were the grossest few minutes of my life. Shovels full of chicken bones, half-eaten hamburgers, slime-covered macaroni. All mushed together to make a cold stew more aromatic than a fly's wildest imaginings.
96 Oh yes. The life of a superhero is a glamorous one.
When I was finished, I raced back into the kitchen from the garbage alley. Waiters and waitresses surrounded the salad station. I squeezed through the throng, looking for the roach-infested, tomato-less salad.
Gone! It was gone!
"Hey," I cried to the salad guy. "What happened to William Roger Tennant's salad?"
He shrugged. "Gone."
"Did you tell the waiter the salad was for Ten-nant?"
"He can take the tomatoes off if he doesn't like them."
"Aaahhh!"
«Marco?» Jake called out from far away. «ls that you carrying us now?»
I squirmed through the crowd and bolted for the banquet room. Burst through the swinging door. Searched the banquet room for William Roger Tennant.
About twenty round tables covered with white cloths were arranged around the room. And at those tables sat people in tuxedos and fancy dresses and an unusually large number of overdressed girls my own age or younger.
Those would be the Hanson fans.
Against the wall, to the left of the swinging
97 kitchen doors, was a long rectangular table, raised a few feet off the floor and covered with a long white tablecloth. The dais. Where the guests of honor sat. In the middle of the dais was the podium, from where William Roger Tennant would make his acceptance speech.
«0kay, Marcor» Jake said. «We're being set down now. We'll just have to hope we're where we need to be.»
I sprinted up the few steps of the raised platform. Three guests sat on each side of the podium. William Roger Tennant was seated to the immediate left of the podium. The podium blocked my view of his salad.
The three Hanson kids were to the right of the podium. I sidled up behind them, grinning and trying to look like I was supposed to be there.
«Marco,» Jake called out. «We're moving out.»
I reached Tennant just in time to see him lean over to the person on his left and say, "These tomatoes look delicious!"
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!"
The scream came from behind me.
«Uh, that doesn't sound like Tennant,» Tobias said.
«lt sounds like Zac!» Cassie cried.
I spun around. Zac Hanson had fallen backward in his chair. His two brothers leaped to his aid.
98 "Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Zac screamed, frantically brushing at the cockroaches in his lap.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" a girl in the audience screamed back.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Zac yelled.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" cried a woman in a long red dress.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Within seconds, the room was filled with the sounds of women screaming, chairs overturning, and men yelling "Sssshhhh!"
«Run! Outta here!» Jake yelled. Five cockroaches sprang from Zac Hanson's pants and fluttered toward the ground.
«Watch out for the feet!» Cassie cried.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" women and girls screamed,
«That horrible noise!» Ax cried. «Even with this insect's poor hearing I feel as if my head is going to explode!»
«lt sounds just like a Hanson concert,» Tobias said.
A cockroach scurried by my foot. I snatched it.
«l have been captured!» Ax cried.
"It's me, man. I've got you," I whispered.
Four roaches shot out of sight beneath the long tablecloth.
100 «Who's here?» Jake asked. Rachel, Tobias, and Cassie all answered.
«Marco has me,» Ax said, crawling up my wrist.
«0oookay,» Jake replied. «That could have gone better. Guess it's time for Plan B.»
«Someday when this is all over people will ask us about the war against the Yeerks,» Tobias said. «Let's leave this part out»
99
Plan B made Plan A look brilliant by comparison.
Ax morphed to human and dressed in a second dirty uniform. Once I convinced him an apron was not a cape we did okay. I needed Ax. I had a feeling no one was going to let me get near the dais. I was associated with the regrettable roach incident.
I remained human, in my own busboy outfit. No problem. Ax and I could work together. As long as I was there to keep an eye on him. See, Andalites don't have mouths. No sense of taste. And when Ax morphs to human, and suddenly has a mouth full of taste buds, he can be dangerous.
101 We emerged into the banquet room.
Hanson was nowhere to be found.
William Roger Tennant was still sitting at his end of the dais, chatting with the man to his left.
And that's when Marcel appeared behind me. "Yew are needed in ze beck. Ze peeg bucket, she is full again."
The guy was grinding my final nerve. But if I started complaining it might occur to Marcel that I was not one of his many anonymous busboys after all.
"Ah weel dew ze peeg bucket," I said. I could just dump it in the alley and rush right back. Still no problem. I ran for it.
«Marco? Ax?» It was Jake. «Are you guys in place?»
«l am here, Prince Jake,» Ax replied.
«Where is Marco?»
«He ees cleaning up ze peeg bucket.»
Long pause. I heard all this in my head as I dragged the stupid trash can of glop into the alley.
«0kay, whatever. We've found a way to de-morph and remorph as fleas,» Jake said. «We're at the far end of the table, left of the podium. Who's going to deliver us to the target?»
«Whoever it is, hurry. I'm surrounded by bare ankles, here, and I'm hungry,» Rachel said.
«Marco is not here.»
102 «0kay, I guess it has to be you, Ax,» Jake said.
"No!" I yelled in frustration at a skanky alley cat.
«l am quite capable of this simple maneuver^ Ax said snippily. «Marco was merely concerned that I would go postal. But I have no
«ls anyone else getting that sinking feeling?» Tobias muttered.
I slammed the trash can against the wall and turned to run back inside. Yanked the handle. It didn't move. I was locked in the alley!
«0kay, Ax,» Jake said. «We're clinging to the underside of the tablecloth. Lift up the edge, farthest corner, and you'll see us. At least I think that's where we are. Aiming a flea anywhere is about as accurate as firing a Nerf gun blind. »
BamBamBam! "Hey! Open the door! I'm trapped out here!"
«Yes, Prince Jake. I am moving toward you. I smell delicious grease. »
"Uh-oh. LET ME IN!"
Nothing! Had to get back inside. Around the front. No other way. I ran down the alley.
«l see you, Prince Jake. My hand is quite near to you. »
«0kay, everyone, smell the blood and jump.»
103 Down the alley. Jump over the cat. Slip. Up, run!
«You are safely on my hand now,» Ax reported.
«0kay, now you just have to get us to the target: Tennant's head.»
«l believe I can do so by performing as the other workers are perform ing.»
«Performing?» Cassie asked.
«They
are removing the plates from the seated humans.»
Around the corner. Front door of the hotel just ahead. I was panting.
«0kay, that's good,» Jake said. «Just clean off the plates, Ax.»
"No, you idiot, don't tell him that! Don't say 'clean off!" I cried at the uniformed doorman.
Past the baffled doorman. Through the red-carpeted lobby.
«The humans are refusing to cooperate,» Ax reported. «l am merely attempting to clean off their plates, and yet they are behaving in a hostile, aggressive manner.»
«What?!» Jake snapped.
Wham! Through the banquet room doors, lungs gasping for breath. I leaped on an empty chair, trying to see over everyone's head.
There, on the dais, about three people down from Tennant, was Ax. His face was covered in
104 smeared, orange Thousand Island dressing. Pieces of lettuce clung to his chin and decorated the front of his busboy jacket.
As I watched in helpless horror he reached for another plate.
I ran. Like what's his name in The Bodyguard. Like Glint Eastwood in that movie about the Secret Service. I ran, pushed, shoved.
Ax yanked the plate from a woman's hands. It came away suddenly. Leftover salad flew. Flew straight into William Roger Tennant.
Tennant yelped.
Ax licked the plate, his tongue extended to full maximum. Then he moved methodically on. He reached for Tennant's plate.
«Soon it will be time to jump on the target,» Ax reported blandly, as if everything was otherwise perfectly normal.
«We're ready.»
Tennant was standing up, menacing, upset, but controlling it. I was just a few feet away, bounding along the dais.
Ax grabbed Tennant's plate. Tennant held on.
"I'm not quite done yet, young man," he said.
"You must give me the plate." Ax yanked the plate and at the same time reached up with his flea-loaded hand and shoved Tennant down into his seat.
«Jump!» Ax said.
105 «Everyone go!» Jake ordered.
I was close enough to hear Tennant growl, "I am gonna kick your-"
I grabbed Ax with both arms. Held him back and yelled, "Sir, we're not really busboys, we're just really big fans, could we have an autograph?"
106 IB
DB fif3 T -E JR
We got the autograph. Amazing what people will put up with if you flatter them. Then we did our best to melt into the crowd. It would have been easier except Marcel was prowling, looking for us.
We yanked off our uniforms. I looked around frantically. Empty chair! Just one, but it would do.
"May we join you?"
It was a table full of old people in suits or dresses, depending. One of them may have been our mayor. I'm not sure.
"There's only one chair."
"It's okay, we're very good friends." I sat down and yanked Ax down onto my lap.
107 "Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor, host of Contact Point, and author of several best-selling books - William Roger Tennant!"
The crowd rose to its feet and applauded enthusiastically. The emcee stepped aside and Tennant approached the podium.
"Thank you," he said, smiling hypnotically and raising his arms as if to embrace the entire audience. "Thank you so much."
«We're in position,» Jake said. «We are under the toupee. Biting has begun.»
"Such wonderful people you are," William Roger Tennant sighed when the applause finally died down. "I am truly honored to receive the Solid Citizen Award. You know, people often ask me how I've managed to be so successful in my field," Tennant began. "I give them a one-word answer."
«This is so gross,» Cassie complained.
"And that one word is -"
He stopped in mid-sentence. His eyes twitched. His lips twisted into a frown.
"- love," he gasped finally.
"Tell them it's working," I whispered.
«Marco believes it is working,» Ax translated into thought-speak.
«We are,» Tobias replied. «We're biting.»
"It takes a great deal of love to excel in any field," William Roger Tennant continued through
108 gritted teeth. His eyes bulged. A large vein popped out on his temple. Sweat trickled down his cheeks. "You have to love what you do, and love the people you do it for."
«What's he doing?» Jake asked.
"He's twitching," I whispered.
«He is showing discomfort,» Ax answered.
«That's good,» Cassie said.
«But he seems to be maintaining his composures
«Geez,» Tobias groaned.
"Love is the core principle of my philosophy," Tennant said loudly. He paused and took a deep breath. Scratched the top of his head with his pinky, ever so gently. The tension in his face started to fade. His eyes stopped twitching. His brow relaxed.
"It has been my mission to share my philosophy with the world. And the responses of people like you here in this room have shown me that my message has some merit."
"They must be stopping," I said. "Tell them to keep it up!"
The mayor's wife gave me a long, hard look. I smiled back.
«Do not stop,» Ax said. «He seems to be regaining controls
«We're biting as hard as we can,» Rachel replied testily. «l've got what feels like a five-
109 foot-long spike dug into this guy's scalp, all right?»
«This is the grossest thing we have ever done,» Cassie complained.
"If you really believe in something," Tennant continued, showing less and less strain with each word, "you must be willing to sacrifice all, to endure anything, to fight against all adversaries, no matter how large or small. You must be willing to never give in, never surrender, until the battle is won. The battle, ladies and gentlemen, the battle ... to love! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you again for this honor. Good night."
The room exploded with applause. Flashbulbs popped. The crowd rose to its feet.
Tennant rushed off the dais. Made his way through the adoring crowd, smiling and waving.
"Thank you, William Roger Tennant!"
"We love you, William Roger Tennant!"
Ax looked at me. "This was not a successful mission."
"No. It really wasn't. Now get up off my lap."
Not successful was the understatement of the year. And the others didn't even realize just how badly it had gone. No one but me knew about the twisted morph.
We headed for the exit. I couldn't get out of this place fast enough.
«What is it with this guy?» Rachel muttered
110 from her perch on Tennant's head. «ls he made of Teflon?»
«As crazy as this plan was,» Jake said, «it should have worked. On any normal human, it would have worked. I am seriously out of ideas.»
«There's got to be a way,» Rachel said. «There must be something irritating enough to make Tennant go off in public.»
Irritating?
No. It wouldn't work.
Or would it?
111 My dad was not home when I got there. I was relieved. I didn't even care if he was out with old lady Robbinette. I was in a seriously bad mood.
Bad enough the whole fiasco of trying to freak Tennant. Worse that I still didn't have my morph-ing under control. Which meant I didn't have my mind under control.
I watched some TV. I went online, got into a chat about music, and ended up calling everyone morons. I was shaking when I finally hit the "sign-off" button.
Cookies. I needed some cookies.
I went to the kitchen. I found a half-finished package of Pepperidge Farms. I poured some milk.
ill
112 "You know what?" I told the milk carton. "I don't care if William Roger Tennant signs people up for The Sharing. If they're that dumb, forget 'em. Why am I going to get myself killed for them?"
The milk carton had no immediate response. Maybe it wanted to think that over.
I went to the living room, lay on the couch, and turned the TV back o
n.
The doorbell rang.
"Oh, man, don't be someone selling newspapers or whatever," I muttered as I went to the door and opened it.
"Cassie?"
"Hi. Can I come in?" She didn't wait for me to answer but just sort of pushed her way past me.
I followed her back to the living room. She turned off the TV and looked expectantly at me.
"What?"
"You could offer me a cookie."
I handed her the bag.
"You have something to tell me?"
"No."
"So why are you here?"
"I'm here to listen to you."
I laughed. "What, are you a shrink now?"
She shrugged. "You said it yourself: We can't exactly go to see counselors, can we?"
113 "Look, I'm fine."
"No, you're not," she said. "Jake bought it, Rachel bought it, but I didn't. Something went wrong. I heard it in your thought-speak. You blew another morph."
I sat down. I was sure I'd covered. I was sure. But of course this was Cassie. Cassie who knows what people are feeling about five minutes before they do.
"Did you tell Jake?"
"No. And I won't."
"Why not? What happened to it being everyone's concern?"
"Because I want you to know you can trust me. You know, enough to talk to."
I realized I was bouncing my leg nervously. I stopped it. "Look, it's nice of you and all, but -"
"I know all the buts: We're all under pressure, we're all barely hanging on, and besides, you're a guy, and the 'guy code' is that you never talk about your feelings."
I snagged the cookies back from her. She took my milk. "Who told you about the 'guy code'? That's top secret."
"Marco, I have both my parents at home with me. They don't know anything about Yeerks or about us, but I have them, and I know they love me, and they're there when I get home. Jake's the same. Rachel's parents are divorced but -"
114 "-And look what a pillar of mental health she is," I said with a laugh.
"Rachel has her mom, and she talks constantly to her dad, and she has her little sisters, and she has me. But Marco, for two years after your mom died, or at least everyone thought she was dead, your dad totally fell apart. You were the man of the house. No one was there to take care of you."
"I take care of myself."
Cassie sat beside me. She put her hand on my arm.
"Cassie, does Jake know you're flirting with me?"