She laughs once, short. “Yeah, right. Hallie, you never do anything bad. Stupid, yes. Bad, no.”
I stare out the window and look at nothing. The houses have given way to apartments that stretch up into the night sky. Their brick façade has seen better days. Many look empty, as if no one has lived there for years. My chest constricts and I squirm in my seat. My god, she lives here? Why didn’t she tell me? There are burned out cars, overturned trash bins, and rubble strewn everywhere. It looks like the street was ransacked and forgotten—just like Maggie.
Spilt second decisions are the ones that change lives. I make mine and spit it out before I chicken out. “Bryan Ferro is blackmailing me. If I don’t sleep with him whenever he wants, he’s going to tell people that he’s the guy in the book and do whatever it takes to ruin me. He said he’d use everything he has against me and gave me an ultimatum.”
Maggie’s big eyes turn toward me with her jaw dangling wide open. “Holy shit! When did this happen? How are you going to stop him?” She blinks at me and turns her eyes back to the road, even though I know she doesn’t want to.
This is the part that makes me feel like crap. I’m not who she thinks I am. I don’t have a moral spine of steel. I can’t even look at her. “Tonight. I ended up doing the award show announcement with him, and then he found me at the banquet.” Say it. I try to make my mouth move to form the words, but they won’t come out.
“No fucking way.” She pulls into a parking lot that looks like it was used as an air force blast site and turns off her car. “Grab all your stuff and lock the door.” I do as she says and hurry behind her. “Keep your eyes to yourself and follow me up. Don’t talk to anyone.”
We enter the side of one of those old brick buildings and take a few flights of stairs up to the fourth floor. By the time we reach her landing, I want to throw my remaining shoe out the window. I could, there’s no glass in the pane. I follow her through the door and down a long, poorly lit hallway. We stop at front of her door. While she fumbles for the key, the door across from her opens. A pale man with bleach-blonde hair in a wife-beater shirt and boxer shorts stands there and looks us over. I can feel his eyes on my back. He leans against the doorjamb and folds his arms over his chest.
When he speaks, he sounds raspy, like he’s smoked a carton of cigarettes every day since he was two years old. “Brought me another one?”
“No,” Maggie says sternly. She doesn’t turn around to look at the guy. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she was afraid of him. I can’t take more stress tonight. My brain feels like it’s going to break in two before it shrivels up and dies. Maggie gets the key to turn but the door sticks. She kicks it once with her foot and it budges slightly. “Damn door,” she mutters.
“What’s your name, sweet thing?” The guy is speaking to me. I turn and look over my shoulder, and our eyes meet. It sends a chill through me to see the way he’s leering at me. The guy is a rail, but he’s all muscle and right now he’s smiling at me, revealing a golden crown on his eyetooth.
“Hi,” I say shyly, and tuck my hair behind my ear, attempting to avoid his gaze while not answering his question.
Just as the guy’s mouth opens, Maggie kicks in the door. It flies open, she grabs my arm, and tugs. I follow, flying along after her as she yells over her shoulder, “I’ll bring you someone tomorrow, I swear. Goodnight, Vic.” She slams the door shut with her foot and looks shaken.
Her apartment is about the same size as a short hallway. There’s a tiny window with a sheet stapled over it and no furniture. Some of Maggie’s clothes are thrown around the place, like she left in a hurry. If I lived here, I’d leave quickly, too. “Thanks for letting me stay with you.”
“Yeah, no problem. It sucks, as in this is the worst place I’ve ever lived, but it’s shelter. I sleep here and then get the hell out. The rent isn’t horrible.” She offers a crooked smile, but it’s weak.
I need her, and there’s a wall between us. She thinks that I’m perfect, but I’m not. I’ve done things that she doesn’t know about. The words are on my tongue and I roll them around in my mouth, trying to figure out how to say it as Maggie chatters, filling the air with her voice.
A couple is fighting nearby, and the sound is growing louder. And by fighting, I don’t mean arguing. There are things hitting walls and crashing. Plaster rains down on us like snowflakes when something else crashes overhead. Maggie looks horrified as she pulls her murphy bed down from the wall. It takes up nearly the entire room. “You can sleep here. I’ll take the floor.”
“No.”
She smiles. “Don’t be silly, you’re my guest.” Choice words ring out from above us as an angry man hollers. It’s promptly followed by a high pitched scream. Maggie bites her nails the way she did when we were kids and looks around, as if she wishes she could torch the place.
“I’m not making you sleep on the floor, but there’s something else that I need to tell you.” Maggie looks up at me from under her mass of red hair. I’m her only real friend, her only family—and she’s mine. God, what is she going to think of me when I tell her what I agreed to? I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it. My arms are still folded over my chest, with my hands nestled tightly into the crooks of my arms.
“Hallie, what’s wrong?” Maggie stops making the bed and sits. She pats the spot next to her and I sit down.
Staring straight ahead, I swallow hard and tell her. “I said yes.”
“You said yes to what? Hallie, you’re not making sense, what are you talking about?”
When I turn to look at her, I meet those big green eyes and feel afraid. My skin covers in goose bumps, but I can’t look away. “I told Bryan Ferro yes. I caved. He won and I lost.”
“What?” She’s livid, ready to fly out of her seat and defend me to the death.
I place my hand on her lap to still her. “I went to his hotel room to tell him to suck it, but I changed my mind when I heard his voice. I thought that something was wrong and this was his crappy way of telling me. I knew him once, at least I thought I did. Then, when I was waiting for you outside, I—” my voice is shaking and I can no longer hide my horror, “some guy tried to steal my purse. Long story short, he got me behind the building and was going to hurt me. Bryan showed up and he…” I can’t say it. My perfect Bryan did something that was so unlike him, so horribly savage that I don’t know what to think. He protected me, but it still feels wrong.
“Did he hurt you?” Maggie is furious, I can hear it in her voice. The way it’s too loud and her words are too staccato gives her away.
“No, he attacked the man, and stabbed him. If I didn’t tell Bryan to stop, I think he would have killed the guy.” I glance over at her, but I can no longer see. My eyes have the pre-tears sheen that makes the world go blurry.
Maggie lifts her arms and I fall into them. She’s always been like a sister to me. We’ve been there for each other, and I’m afraid this mess with Bryan will make her hate me and what I’ve become. My father would have been ashamed to call me his daughter, and I expect the same from Maggie. Instead, she sits there on the worn mattress and soothes me.
After one hard hug, she releases my shoulders and grabs my chin. “You and I have been through everything together. Don’t think that I’m bailing because of this. If anything, life just got more interesting, that’s all.”
I wipe the tears from my eyes and laugh, because she’s so wrong. “That’s the understatement of the year.”
“My point is, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.” She bumps my shoulder with hers. “So, Bryan Ferro has a dark side behind all that flash and dazzle?”
“Apparently.”
“Was it fun or did he do weird stuff?”
I smile and wipe my eyes again. “No, not tonight anyway. He called me to his room, I went, and we kissed. Then, he threw me out.”
Maggie’s lip pull up a little. “He threw you out? What the hell?”
“I don’t know. It’s like h
e was mad and going to Hulk-out or something. He wouldn’t look at me. Things were hot and heavy until then.” Intuition keeps telling me that something was wrong, but I can’t put my finger on what.
Maggie grins, “He was better than Neil, right?”
I make a face and look at her like she’s nuts. “Uh, Bryan’s blackmailing me.”
“And he’s hotter than Neil. Go on, say it. I’m your friend, so I already know.”
I cast my eyes toward the floor and don’t say anything. I don’t have to, my expression says everything. Bryan is so much hotter than Neil that there is no comparison. The two men are night and day, and Bryan is the sexy night. Neil’s the rational voice that sounds like the FDA reminding me to do all things in moderation—but not all things—only the actions he approves of. Damn it. I bury my face in my hands and sigh.
Maggie pats my back once. “It’s okay. Every guy is hotter than Neil. Don’t feel guilty, but I wouldn’t exactly tell Mr. Perfectly Pressed Pants. He’ll freak out that someone else touched you.” Maggie is pulling off her clothes and tugging on a night shirt and sweat pants as she speaks.
“Actually, Neil knows.”
“What?” She’s hopping on one foot, trying to shove her foot into the hole and falls over. “How does he know? You said it just happened.”
“Neil knows because he’s the one who told me to do it.”
CHAPTER 4
Maggie has only gone totally nuclear once. It was when we got split up from a foster home when we were seven. Within three days, they had us back together under the same roof. Maggie would never say what she did, only that she went nuke-crazy and launched everything she had at them. The look in her eyes says she wants to hand Neil his balls in a Dixie cup.
Maggie rocks upright with her pants half on and half off as her jaw locks tight. She looks away from me and cracks her neck, like she’s going to kill someone. When she swings her green eyes back my way, there’s a pleasant, yet terrifying, smile on her face. When she speaks, she sounds cordial, like someone who works in a lovely flower shop and loves people—in other words—she sounds totally demented. “He told you to go?” She laughs lightly and flutters her lashes at me as she tips her head to the side. “And he knew you were being blackmailed?”
I don’t want to talk about it. I’m so tired that I’m going to start drooling on myself soon. “Yeah, he knew.” I don’t want to tell her the rest. As it is, she’s already three stages passed livid.
“What wonderful reason did he give, because it must have been good?” She clasps her hands calmly, but I know there’s an eruption ready to explode beneath the cool façade.
I rub my eyes hard and tug at my dress zipper, but it seems caught in the fabric. “Maggie, put your PJs on and go to sleep. I don’t want to talk about it. Obviously I’m mad at Neil or I wouldn’t be here with you.”
She studies me for a moment, those suspicious eyes narrowing, before saying, “But Neil doesn’t realize you’re upset, and you want him to think that Bryan Ferro nailed you.” Her eyebrow lifts when I glance at her. It’s her I-know-what-you’re-thinking face.
Unfortunately, she realizes exactly what I’m thinking, but that doesn’t make me want to discuss it. Neil shouldn’t have offered me up like that. It felt like he abandoned me when I needed him. I have issues with that particular topic, which makes me constantly second guess myself—but not this time. I wouldn’t have done this to him. I wouldn’t have made him sleep with someone for money. Damn, that makes me sound like a prostitute.
Pressing my eyes closed, I look away. “Maybe.”
Perhaps Neil should suffer a little for being so callous, because that’s what it was—indifference. At the same time, before tonight ever happened, Neil handed me my life back. The guy was an anchor when the shore was far out of sight. He was there for me in my darkest hours and part of me feels guilty for being here with Maggie, even though I know I shouldn’t. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel anything. It seems like life would be easier.
At the moment, Maggie’s emotions are smeared across her face like molten crayons. “Holy shit, Hallie! Why are you with him? Neil came along and picked you up when you were—”
I cut her off. “I know what I was, and maybe Neil was in the right place at the right time, but he’s never done anything like this before, and neither have I. I kept this from him.” I lied to him, over and over again.
“And he’s kept stuff from you! Would you have made him do something he didn’t want to do?” She pauses, and adds, “You didn’t want to see Ferro again, did you?”
I shake my head and look away. She’s right. There’s no way that I would have made Neil do something like this, but he didn’t really give me a choice. I had no choice, not if I wanted to get on with my life. There’s too much money at stake. Holding up my hand, I say, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore tonight.”
Maggie makes an annoyed sound in the back of her throat and continues to get dressed. After she pulls on her sweats, she goes over to a rust-stained sink and brushes her teeth. While foaming at the mouth, she turns and looks at me and jabs the toothbrush toward me. “You know I’d kick ass for you. Just tell me who and I’m there.” On the last word, toothpaste foam goes flying from her lips.
I offer a half smile. “I know you would, but I don’t know who pissed me off more—Neil or Bryan.”
Maggie tosses me a nightshirt and continues talking, but my mind is reeling. I’m mad at Neil, but Bryan—I don’t know. The way he spoke, the way his voice caught in his throat when he said certain things, it’s almost like he didn’t want to do it—but he did—he blackmailed me.
He didn’t sleep with you. He kissed you and threw you out, that inner-voice chimes inside my head like a clock.
Bryan’s words didn’t match his actions, and if he didn’t drive that knife into the thief’s shoulder, I would have thought the man I saw tonight was my Bryan from years ago, but that wasn’t him. Whatever’s happened to Bryan between then and now has changed him, and although the new man saved me, he frightens me.
CHAPTER 5
The night passes slowly as it always does. I hear my father’s voice although he is no longer here. My memories are stuck on rewind, repeating random things as they fly to the front of my mind. It haunts me until I can no longer bear it.
Maggie is snoring a few feet from my head. I rock, paper, scissored her for the bed and she won. We made up a small pallet on the floor for me, but it’s more like a blanket and a sheet. They’re tangled from my tossing and turning. I push them aside and sit up, rubbing my stinging eyes. Maggie’s old clock glows softly next to her bed. It’s almost 6am.
My body aches like I was shoved down an elevator shaft, but I push myself off the floor and head over to her narrow window. The shouts that filled the building last night have grown quiet. The woman overhead cried out one last time a few hours ago, and then something heavy hit the floor. I wonder if one of them is dead. The sounds that make my skin crawl have receded into silence.
I lean against the wall and wrap my arms around my middle as I gaze out the narrow, hazy window. The sun is yet to spill over the horizon and the city is still painted in darkness. The sidewalks below are mostly empty. The groups of people standing in clusters have dissolved. The figures in the shadows are gone.
Sometimes I wonder if the monsters in my mind are worse than the ones on the street. I came from the streets, so did Maggie. We survived so much and yet, I can’t escape the memories that haunt me night after night. Add my father’s death to the mix and I’m a walking time bomb. I wish I could say I know who I am and that the events of my past didn’t change me, but I can’t even imagine my life without those occurrences. If my mother hadn’t left me alone, if she didn’t do what she did, what kind of woman would I be? If she was a good person and raised me, where would we be now?
I swallow hard and force the questions away. They serve no purpose and will only pull me backward. I fought so hard to get away from that life, but it liv
es forever in the back of my mind. I hear her voice and the familiar slurred speech. I remember the sting of her hand on my cheek and too many nights spent shivering in a dark closet, while she lived a life that didn’t consider me. Most parents want to protect their children, but not my mom. She didn’t want me. She lived for herself and that’s the one thing that frightens me most—that I’ll become her.
My fingers tighten into my sides as I try not to shudder, because the apartment is freezing. God, this place reminds me of that past life. I don’t know how Maggie can stand it. I glance over at her and think about the things I could do for us if I had that money. I could save her from this—
But who will save you? The little voice in my head whispers.
Dad won’t come and rescue me this time. This time the only way out of this mess is through Bryan Ferro. I’ve endured more hardships than most people see in a lifetime, I can survive whatever he wants to dish out—I just don’t know if I’ll like the woman I become because of it.
Some things aren’t worth the price. I’ve learned that firsthand, and now here I am, repeating my mother’s actions.
I grit my teeth and mutter under my breath, “I’m not the same…it’s not the same thing.”
My gaze falls to the window sill and I instinctively lean toward it, pressing my fingertips against the cold glass. I don’t understand what I’m seeing at first. Someone is standing in the shadow of the building across the way. They’re inside a room, a floor down from where I stand in Maggie’s building, across the street. The person is a silhouette with no defining characteristics. I think it’s a woman, but I’m not certain. She’s stepping backward slowly. Her hands lift, like a dog is about to pounce on her stomach. Suddenly, her spine goes straight and she stops moving. The window is so narrow that I can’t see much more than her slender figure through the gauzy drapes.
A moment later she goes limp and falls forward. Her hair cascades behind her, falling in slow motion. I hear nothing but Maggie’s nasal breaths, but her silent scream is ringing in my ears. A taller form—a man—steps into the spot where the woman once stood. His shoulders are rounded, like he’s not worried about a thing, as he shakes his head and surveys the floor like there’s something amusing.