THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades,under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq.
by
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Illustrated By Peter Newell
New York and LondonHarper & BrothersPublishers
1897
TO
A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ.
WITH THE AUTHOR'S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS FOR THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OFHIS GREAT DETECTIVE WHICH MADE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE
CONTENTS
CHAPTER
I. THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
II. THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
III. THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
IV. ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
V. A CONFERENCE ON DECK
VI. A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
VII. THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED
VIII. ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA."
IX. CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
X. A WARNING ACCEPTED
XI. MAROONED
XII. THE ESCAPE AND THE END
ILLUSTRATIONS
"'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"
"'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"
"POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"
"THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"
"THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN"
A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE
MADAME RECAMIER HAS A PLAN
"THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH"
"'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD"
"'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN' PAYABLE IN LONDON'"
QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN POWER
"'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"
"'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'"
"IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK"
JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP
SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT
CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA
KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER
"'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'"
"'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID MRS. NOAH"
"'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'"
"THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE"
"'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS'"
"A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"
THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
I
THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the RiverStyx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from its mooringsand navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd,aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Likea thief in the night had they come, and for no better reason than that theCaptain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate withself-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floatingclub-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force ofcircumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fairQueen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded andbeautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendereddesolate.
"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomedgrace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bankof the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had beenmoored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of Rome,Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social diadem gone,vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men in the universe!Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--"
"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What'sthe use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and should eschewthat luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant you that when thatcherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, saythe third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank, andvoluntarily at that."
"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my delight.It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retortedSocrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to; Ican stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippealways compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to thefinger."
"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar, firmly, "therefore weare not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with SirWalter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here and donothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?"
"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. Allthings considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephinegoing off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart."
"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do somethingif it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really is, whatshall be done first?"
"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering thematter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it wasthis suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity forimmediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their variousfavorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it beingSunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments werelicensed to be sold being closed--for at the time of writing the localgovernment of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.
"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays? Thenthe House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not.Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian should becaptured at once and made an example of."
"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak inGreek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have abeastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive tothe ear of a purist."
"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter."Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even parthis infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greatermoment in hand."
"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat. I'mdry as a fish."
"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish I'd liketo know is dry?"
"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at theexpense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and moremelancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now thepoint is, what?"
"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out torelieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa;Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may haveNorth America; and--"
"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr.Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of oursand is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"
"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor.
"Do you then believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in thepl
easurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps?"persisted the philosopher.
"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer, irritably.
"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive inasking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in CentralAfrica; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of itthrough Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense. This search is thework of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius tolook for it in the heart of China. What earthly use there is in ransackingthe earth I fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition to scour thesea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kiddhas hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it for aroller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some otherpurpose for which neither he nor it was designed."
"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sittingupon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very evidentinterest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and excessivelyslender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," as Johnson put itafterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the honor of being a memberof this association," the stranger continued, "but, like all well-orderedshades, I aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents atthe disposal of this club. I fancy it will not take us long to establishour initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foullyappropriated your property to his own base uses does not contemplateremoving it from its keel and placing it somewhere inland. All theevidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is mysole reason for doubting the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is aseafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house, but aboat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so wellsays, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, butupon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the world's greatcities."
"'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"]
"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by thestranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all that hehad said.
"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for thepurpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed, for whatport, and start at once. Have you a model of the House-boat within reach?"returned the stranger.
"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the chairman.
"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the HouseCommittee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat itself. Theywere kept in the safe in the hold."
A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.
"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan thatwe should know about how fast the House-boat was."
"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If you'll takeXanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat."
"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger,quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with it."
"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes uponSir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of assistance insettling that point."
"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?"asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir Walter. "We aren'tpreparing for a yacht-race that I know of. Nobody's after a cup, or achampionship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back. TheCaptain hasn't taken more than half of mine along with him, but I aminterested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I amsomewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what earthly or unearthlyuse there is in discussing this question of speed in the House-boat. Itstrikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather unprecedented too, that weshould suspend all rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger."
"'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"]
"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson, dryly,"but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest me."
"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That oughtto make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually are."
"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water agreeswith me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think, however, is that ourunknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we areconfronted, and he's going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensivefashion. I move, therefore, that Solomon be laid on the table, and thatthe privileges of the--ah--of the wharf be extended indefinitely to ourfriend on the string-piece."
The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the strangerresumed.
"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdomI have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of three hundredwives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before starting inpursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for thepurpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential that weshould choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire toovertake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the House-boat can sailfour knots an hour, to attempt to overhaul her with a launch, or othernautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour."
"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar.
"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of yourlate club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to Solomon. "Nowif Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very soondetermine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under favorablecircumstances."
"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," saidNoah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the occasion seemedto require. "As long as we are discussing the question I will take theliberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designerof the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, andJaphet will bear testimony to the truth of that statement."
"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented SirChristopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to admit thatpractically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but withmodifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windwardand back in six days less time than it would have taken the Ark to coverthe same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursionsteamers into the bargain."
"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a flyingballoon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants untilevery inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she'd outfoot you onevery leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, andyour House-boat wouldn't be within hailing distance of her five minutesafter the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before agale."
"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius. "Ifthese gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the subject thatis agitating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have themconfined in the bottomless pit."
"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying toassist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say that as the Arkwas probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren's--tub,which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excursionboats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-tub--"
"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher.
"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a launch orany other craft with a speed of thirty knots a month," continued Noah,ignoring the interruption.
"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir Christopher.
"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit,"retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time."
"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning tothe angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in th
e issuebetween the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument--I wish toask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in ourtrouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish your course in casea boat were provided?"
"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock.
A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.
"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly,addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche."
"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing bythat act a select assortment of diamond rings.
"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd hasgone to London."
"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know that?"
"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a cigar.
"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play this is!"
"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play; it isfact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by Captain Kiddjust before he stepped on board the House-boat."
"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of theassertion, what does it prove?"
"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded as follows.