IX
CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accordedpermission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been introduced to thisgentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot consent toany proceeding so irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I havenot met, nor do I permit them to address me."
"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the principle of myyoung friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed for ourselves allthe rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other menwithout an introduction was included in the list, but I for one have nodesire to avail myself of the privilege, especially when it's ahorrid-looking man like this."
Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the ladiesfainted.
"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said thathis suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that he foundhimself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, with falsehood onhis lips, his courage began to ooze.
"Not yet, please," answered the chair-lady. "I imagine we can get aboutthis difficulty without much trouble."
"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah, rising."If we ever needed etiquette we need it now. But I have a plan which willobviate any further difficulty. If there is no one among us who issufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally tous, I will for the time being take upon myself the office of ship's barberand cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper thing forbarbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they havenot been introduced. And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. ThusI shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which I can withpropriety introduce him to the rest of you."
"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in QueenElizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very muchdissatisfied with the trim you gave him."
"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, witha kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had beensitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the gentleman to you allwith perfect propriety. He's a member of my family. His grandfather wasthe great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed of my son Shem'sgreat-grandnephew on his father's side. His relationship to me istherefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think hetakes more after my husband's ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, theseladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my mostfamous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and he has beenhanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance,has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person toknow. Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece."
The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors havingthus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.
"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could underthe circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainlywith a great deal less embarrassment than if I were addressing a gatheringof entire strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have alwaysfelt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position of this nature.In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible impulse tomake a public address of any length, and that was upon that unhappyoccasion to which the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers hasalluded, and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-airtightened about my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talkedimpromptu for a year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermostimport surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had nocontrol prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech istherefore lost to the world."
"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Recamier.
"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth.
"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously handsomeor desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy. "He fascinates me, butwhether it is the fascination of liking or of horror I can't tell, andit's quite important."
"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to thepoint, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands, _fiances_, andother masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were previously the tenantsof this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may addhighly agreeable, task of showing you the world. They have noted of lateyears the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every daymore and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of theuniverse--on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote, and to beallowed to go out late at night without an escort; in Hades, where, as youare no doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen almostwholly into the hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiterhimself, where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking privatelessons in the art of hurling thunderbolts--information which theextraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seemto confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in amost erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those ofyou who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully aware. Now,actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wishto meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that your views arebased upon a wise selection, in turn based upon experience, and they havecome to me and in so many words have said, 'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women ofHades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not like thisconstantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen all the lifethat we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showingthem about. We will pay you liberally if you will take our House-boat,which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally conduct ourbeloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of lifeas they can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; onlybring them back again to us safe and sound.' These were their words,ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying thateven if they were tired of it all, they should make some personalsacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and well, thatthey would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they mightunconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you. 'We want themto feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said they, 'and if we are alongthey may not feel so.' The answer was convincing, ladies, and I acceptedthe commission."
"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The subject wasnot broached to us by our husbands, brothers, _fiances_, or fathers. Mybrother, Sir Walter Raleigh--"
Cleopatra chuckled. "Brother! Brother's good," she said.
"Well, that's what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I promised to bea sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word. That's the kind of a queenI am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, turning to the captain,"that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan,and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great importance."
"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir Walterintended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The arrangementswere all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy.None of the ladies were to be informed of it."
"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia. "If youladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this--ah--gentleman."
Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, heput as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced hiswillingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.
CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA]
"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra.
"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is as good ashis bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a half-dozen of 'em, ifneed be."
"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now, Captain Kidd,who first proposed this plan?"
"So
crates," said Kidd, unblushingly, with a sly glance at Xanthippe.
"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that wouldcontribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah! Your story istransparently false at the outset."
"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He said atrip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and health-giving."
"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically.
"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd.
"Ah--ho-ho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to theroots of her hair. "Very likely. You--ah--you will excuse my doubting yourword, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my remark, and in order tomake fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am nowperfectly convinced that you are telling the truth. That last observationis just like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I ever do,well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry time, that's all."
"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?" added Portia,hesitatingly.
"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not acquainted withBassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the othersthe absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, becausehe was afraid he would not consent to it. 'Bassanio has a most beautifulwife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter, 'and he wouldn't think of parting withher under any circumstances; therefore let us keep our intentions a secretfrom him.' I did not hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but theothers, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth,all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separatedfrom, and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark asto their little enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere."
A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of thecross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that thewily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other hand,Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of thepirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon that gloweringface.
"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he waswilling to part with--ah--his sister."
"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this way:Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he added that he ofcourse merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's feelings by his own inparting from his sister--"
"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth.
"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly whereinhis error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intenseenthusiasm for the lady's beauty and--er--intellectual qualities, that hereferred to you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledgeas to the fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists betweenyou."
"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who,with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without.
"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer. He'sperspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of hissize and volatile nature can't stand much of that without evaporating. Ifyou will observe him closely you will see that his left arm already hasvanished into thin air."
"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let up on himhe'll vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous about the top of his head."
All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he hadlittle expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was rapidlydissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, was inimminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of onepossessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short ofannihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact hadstemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with hisexplanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most influentialladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become acreature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing more to fear.
"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, "toaccept from this time on the gentleman's word. The little that he hasalready told us is hall-marked with truth. I should like to ask, however,one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends expected toembark us upon this voyage without letting us into the secret?"
"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for hetoo had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the incipientetherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was simple enough. There wasto have been a day set apart for ladies' day at the club, and when youwere all on board we were quietly to weigh anchor and start. The fact thatyou had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was telephoned by myscouts to me at my headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted bymessenger to Sir Walter at Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-offight between Samson and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediatelyreplied, '_Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love toElizabeth._' Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair andwalking to the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care. Makeyourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which youhave already received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you. Withthe aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's _Paris_, which you will find inthe library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there youresemble a great many less fortunate women who don't know what they want."
With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in thearms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too great.
"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared.
"Most attractive," said Elizabeth.
"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy.
"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she reflectedupon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates. "I didn't believehim at first, but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher hadsaid, I was convinced."
"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my favoritegrandchildren."
"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra, starting upangrily, "that he is a base caitiff!"
Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not havecreated a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.
"What?" cried several voices at once. "A caitiff?"
"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that, becausewhile he was telling his story I was listening to it with one ear andlooking forward into the middle of next week with the other--I mean theother eye--and I saw--"
"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra.
"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a basecaitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff."
"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly.
"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events which Imust defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his associates were endeavoringto restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd's spirit anatomyby the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent success. Kidd'straining had not fitted him for an intellectual combat with superiorwomen, and he suffered accordingly.
KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATEDPORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER]