I rubbed a weary hand over my face. It was dripping with sweat and my hand came away wet. Normally, running through the combat and agility sequences I’d developed would make me feel calm and order my thoughts. But that was not happening today. I couldn’t relax. There were too many thoughts churning away inside my head to allow me to unwind.
No one could understand this. No one.
Least of all me!
Just when I thought I could see a way of making things – anything – work with Cassie, something new got thrown in the way. Now, more than ever, I was questioning whether she was a tool in the system. If she was a tool, was I stupid enough to fall for it? Or was Cassie simply trapped in the same way as me…? It was possible we were both being manipulated.
CRACK.
The loud snapping sound of the tree branch, smashing beneath my fist, diverted my attention. I’d only been using it as a centre target to direct my sweeps against; I hadn’t actually meant to break it. Perhaps I was angrier than I’d realised. I punched the tree trunk again, deliberately now, half-relishing the blunt pain inside my knuckles.
What right did they have to try and manipulate us?
Thump.
Surely we could have free choice in one area of our lives?
Thump.
Why did they need us to fall in love?
Thump.
My fists pounded into the narrow trunk, punctuating my questions. I only stopped when the burning in hands matched that in my head.
For a while, I simply stood, my arms hanging limp at my sides, while doubts and questions washed over me. Back and forth I ran everything through my mind, until finally it began to slow down and fell into a rational order. It started with the first day I’d spoken with Cassie.
Had I been affected by the injection we’d been given?
No. I didn’t think so. Even without the pheromone boost we had both been given, I’d always been aware of Cassie. I didn’t need chemicals to know that I liked her, although perhaps they helped me overcome my shyness that day…
What about Cassie?
I couldn’t answer for her. I wasn’t sure how quickly chemical pheromones would work, or the removal of the lithium mood inhibitor. However, the additional serotonin, dopamine and other junk that had been going into Cassie’s daily supplement in the past few weeks would surely have some effect. Possibly even this intriguing new ability she had acquired...
It made me furious all over again, to even think that how I felt about Cassie might, for her, be merely based on chemicals that had been forced into her body. Just speculating that Cassie’s affection for me lay in lies and deceit made a hollow, empty space open inside my chest.
I rolled my shoulders and shook out my arms, trying to loosen the knots that had formed. I didn’t need to be this tense – it wasn’t all bad. Even though it was probably wrong of me, I did feel better about the adjustments I’d made to Cassie’s supplement. A few simple updates to her natural chemistry records had re-designated her daily tablets as a plain multi-vitamin complex. Nothing untoward and nothing hormonal would be going in there now: it was exactly the same as the one I was being given because my test levels were all within the safe range. Well, they were normal on the database, at least.
I grinned, feeling better enough to begin my exercises again. This time, I knew I was going to push myself properly and, in preparation, undid the front of my day suit and rolled it down until I was able to tie the sleeves around my waist. Satisfied with this, I ran through some light stretches to warm up my muscles and began my routine.
A slow mantra cycled in my mind as the precise fluid movements of the sequence drew me in. “Being human is natural; natural is normal,” I whispered, running through the movements over and over. It wasn’t something I usually did and might have sounded like I was trying to convince myself, but I wasn’t. This was just how I felt at that moment and was a truth I was sure of. Today, I trusted nature, in a way that I did not trust the world of the Space Station Hope.