She took a deep breath, feeling her emotions roil to the surface again.
"You have to understand . . . Kyle works so hard every day. While other kids can play outside, he has to sit in his chair, staring at picture books, trying to figure out the world itself. It takes him hours to learn things that other kids might learn in minutes." She stopped, turning toward him, an almost defiant look in her eyes.
"But you know, Kyle just keeps on going . . . he just keeps on trying, day after day, word by word, concept by concept. And he doesn't complain, he doesn't whine, he just does it. If you only knew how hard he has to work to understand things . . . how much he tries to make people happy . . . how much he wants people to like him, only to be ignored . . ."
Feeling her throat constrict, she took a ragged breath, struggling to maintain her composure.
"You have no idea how far he's come, Taylor. You've only known him for a short while. But if you knew where he started and how many obstacles he's overcome so far--you'd be so proud of him . . ."
Despite her efforts, tears began to flood her eyes.
"And you'd know what I know. That Kyle has more heart, more spirit, than any other child I've ever known. You would know that Kyle is the most wonderful little boy that any mother could wish to have. You would know that despite everything, Kyle is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. That's the good thing I have in my life."
All those years of having those words pent up inside, all those years of wanting to say the words to someone. All those years, all those feelings--both the good and the bad--it was such a relief to finally let it all go. She was suddenly intensely thankful that she'd done so and hoped in her heart that Taylor would somehow understand.
Unable to respond, Taylor tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. Watching her talk about her son--the absolute fear and absolute love--made the next move almost instinctive. Without a word, he reached for her hand and took it in his. The feeling was strange, a forgotten pleasure, though she didn't try to pull away.
With her free hand she wiped at a tear that had drifted down her cheek and sniffled. She looked spent, still defiant, and beautiful.
"That was the most beautiful thing I think I've ever heard," he said.
When Kyle wanted to ride the swing yet a third time, Taylor had to let go of Denise's hand so he could walk over and present the additional tickets. When he returned, the moment had passed; Denise was leaning on the barrier, resting on her elbows, and he decided simply to let it go. Yet standing beside her, he could still feel the lingering sensation of her touch on his skin.
They spent another hour at the carnival, riding the Ferris wheel--the three of them crammed into the wobbly seat with Taylor pointing out some of the places that could be seen from the top--and the Octopus, a spinning, dipping, gut-twisting ride that Kyle wanted to ride over and over again.
Toward the end of the hour they headed over to the area that housed the games of chance. Pop three balloons with three darts and win a prize, shoot two baskets and win something different. Vendors barked at the passersby, but Taylor walked past all of them until reaching the shooting gallery. He used the first few shots to understand the sighting of the gun, then proceeded to make fifteen straight, trading up for larger prizes as he bought more rounds. By the time he'd finished, he'd won a giant panda only slightly smaller than Kyle himself. The vendor handed it over reluctantly.
Denise relished every minute of it. It was gratifying to watch Kyle trying--and enjoying!--new things, and walking around the carnival provided a pleasant change from the world in which she normally lived. There were times when she almost felt like someone else, someone she didn't know. As twilight descended, the lights from the rides blinked on; as the sky darkened even further, the energy of the crowds seemed to intensify, as if everyone knew all this would be over the following day.
Everything was just right, as she had barely dared to hope it would be.
Or, if possible, even better than that.
Once they got home, Denise got a cup of milk and led Kyle into his room. She propped the giant panda in the corner so he could see it, then helped Kyle change into his pajamas. After leading him through his prayers, she gave him his milk.
His eyes were already closing.
By the time she finished reading him a story, Kyle was breathing deeply.
Slipping from the room, she left the door partially open.
Taylor was waiting for her in the kitchen, his long legs stretched out under the table.
"He's down for the count," she said.
"That was fast."
"It's been a big day for him. He's not usually up this late."
The kitchen was lit by a single overhead bulb. The other had burned out the week before, and she suddenly wished she had changed it. It seemed just a little too dim, a little too intimate, in the small kitchen. Seeking space, she fell back on tradition.
"Would you like something to drink?"
"I'll take a beer if you have one."
"My selection isn't quite that big."
"What do you have?"
"Iced tea."
"And?"
She shrugged. "Water?"
He couldn't help but smile. "Tea's fine."
She poured two glasses and handed one to him, wishing she had something stronger to serve both of them. Something to take the edge off the way she was feeling.
"It's a little warm in here," she said evenly, "would you like to sit on the porch?"
"Sure."
They made their way outside and sat in the rockers, Denise closest to the door so she could listen for Kyle if he woke up.
"Now this is nice," Taylor said after making himself comfortable.
"What do you mean?"
"This. Sitting outside. I feel like I'm on an episode of The Waltons."
Denise laughed, feeling some of her nervousness disperse. "Don't you like to sit on the porch?"
"Sure, but I hardly ever do it. It's one of those things that I never seem to have time for anymore."
"A good ol' boy from the South like yourself?" she said, repeating the words he'd used the day before. "I would have thought a guy like you would sit outside on your porch with a banjo, playing song after song, a dog lying at your feet."
"With my kinfolk and a jar of moonshine and a spittoon o'er yonder?"
She grinned. "Of course."
He shook his head. "If I didn't know you were from the South, I'd think you were insulting me."
"But because I'm from Atlanta?"
"I'll let it slide this time." He felt the corners of his mouth curling into a smile. "So what do you miss the most about the big city?"
"Not a lot. I suppose if I were younger and Kyle wasn't around, this place would drive me crazy. But I don't need big malls, or fancy places to eat, or museums anymore. There was a time when I thought those things were important, but they weren't really an option during the last few years, even when I was living there."
"Do you miss your friends?"
"Sometimes. We try to keep in touch. Letters, phone calls, things like that. But how about you? Didn't you ever get the urge to just pack up and move away?"
"Not really. I'm happy here, and besides, my mom is here. I'd feel bad leaving her alone."
Denise nodded. "I don't know that I would have moved if my mom were still alive, but I don't think so."
Taylor suddenly found himself thinking about his father.
"You've been through a lot in your life," he said.
"Too much, I sometimes think."
"But you keep going."
"I have to. I've got someone counting on me."
Their conversation was interrupted by a rustle in the bushes, followed by an almost catlike scream. Two raccoons scurried out of the woods, across the lawn. They scampered past the light reflected from the porch, and Denise stood, trying to get a better view. Taylor joined her at the porch railing, peering into the darkness. The raccoons stopped and turned, finally not
icing two people on the porch, then continued across the lawn before vanishing from sight.
"They come out almost every night. I think they're scrounging for food."
"Probably. Either that or your garbage cans."
Denise nodded knowingly. "When I first moved here, I thought dogs were the ones who kept digging through them. Then I caught those two in the act one night. At first I didn't know what they were."
"You've never seen a raccoon before?"
"Of course I have. But not in the middle of the night, not crawling through my garbage, and certainly not on my porch. My apartment in Atlanta didn't have a real big wildlife problem. Spiders, yes; varmints, no."
"You're like that kid's story about the city mouse that hops on the wrong truck and gets stuck in the country."
"Believe me, I feel that way sometimes."
With her hair moving slightly in the breeze, Taylor was struck again by how pretty she was. "So what was your life like? Growing up in Atlanta, I mean?"
"Probably a little bit like yours."
"What do you mean?" he asked curiously.
She met his eyes, drawing out the words as if they were a revelation. "We were both only children, raised by widowed mothers who grew up in Edenton."
At her words, Taylor felt something unexpectedly flinch inside. Denise went on.
"You know how it is. You feel a little different because other people have two parents, even if they're divorced. It's like you grow up knowing that you're missing something important that everyone else has, but you don't know exactly what it is. I remember hearing my friends talking about how their fathers wouldn't let them stay out late or didn't like their boyfriends. It used to make me so angry because they didn't even realize what they had. Do you know what I mean?"
Taylor nodded, realizing with sudden clarity how much they had in common.
"But other than that, my life was pretty typical. I lived with my mom, I went to Catholic schools, shopped with my friends, went to the proms, and worried every time I got a pimple that people wouldn't like me anymore."
"You call that typical?"
"It is if you're a girl."
"I never worried about things like that."
She shot him a sidelong glance. "You weren't raised by my mother."
"No, but Judy's mellowed some in her old age. She was a little more stern when I was younger."
"She said that you were always getting into trouble."
"And I suppose you were perfect."
"I tried," she said playfully.
"But you weren't?"
"No, but obviously I was better at fooling my mother than you were."
Taylor chuckled. "That's good to hear. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's perfection."
"Especially when it's someone else, right?"
"Right."
There was a brief lull in the conversation before Taylor spoke again.
"Do you mind if I ask you a question?" he said almost tentatively.
"It depends on the question," she answered, trying not to tense up.
Taylor glanced away, toward the edge of the property again, pretending to look for the raccoons. "Where's Kyle's father?" he asked after a moment.
Denise had known it was coming.
"He's not around. I didn't really even know him. Kyle wasn't supposed to happen."
"Does he know about Kyle?"
"I called him when I was pregnant. He told me straight up he didn't want anything to do with him."
"Has he ever seen him?"
"No."
Taylor frowned. "How can he not care about his own child?"
Denise shrugged. "I don't know."
"Do you ever wish he was around?"
"Oh, heavens, no," she said quickly. "Not him. I mean, I would have liked Kyle to have a father. But it wouldn't have been someone like him. Besides, for Kyle to have a father--the right kind, I mean, and not just someone who calls himself that--he'd also have to be my husband."
Taylor nodded in understanding.
"But now, Mr. McAden, it's your turn," Denise said, turning to face him. "I've told you everything about me, but you haven't reciprocated. So tell me about you."
"You already know most of it."
"You haven't told me anything."
"I told you I'm a contractor."
"And I'm a waitress."
"And you already knew that I volunteer with the fire department."
"I knew that the first time I saw you. It's not enough."
"But there's really not much more than that," he protested, throwing up his hands in mock frustration. "What did you want to know?"
"Can I ask whatever I want?"
"Go ahead."
"Well, all right." She was silent for a moment, then met his eyes. "Tell me about your father," she said softly.
The words startled him. It wasn't the question he'd expected, and Taylor felt himself stiffen slightly, thinking he didn't want to respond. He could have ended it with something simple, a couple of sentences that meant nothing, but for a moment he didn't say anything.
The evening was alive with sound. Frogs and insects, the rustling of leaves. The moon had risen and now hovered above the treeline. In the milky light, an occasional bat skittered by. Denise had to lean in close to hear him.
"My father passed away when I was nine," he began.
Denise watched him carefully as he spoke. He was speaking slowly, as if gathering his thoughts, but she could see his reluctance on every line of his face.
"But he was more than just my father. He was my best friend, too." He hesitated. "I know that sounds strange. I mean, I was just a little kid and he was grown, but he was. He and I were inseparable. As soon as five o'clock would roll around, I'd camp out on the front steps and wait for his truck to come up the driveway. He worked in the lumber mill, and I'd run for him as soon as he opened his door and jump into his arms. He was strong--even when I got bigger, he never told me to stop. I'd put my arms around him and take a deep breath. He worked hard, and even in winter I could smell the sweat and sawdust on his clothes. He called me 'little man.' "
Denise nodded in recognition.
"My mom always waited inside while he asked me what I did that day or how school went. And I'd just talk so fast, trying to say as much as I could before he went inside. But even though he was tired and probably wanting to see my mom, he never rushed me. He'd let me say everything on my mind, and only when I was all talked out would he finally put me down. Then he'd grab his lunch pail, take my hand, and we'd head inside."
Taylor swallowed hard, doing his best to think about the good things.
"Anyway, we used to go fishing every weekend. I can't even remember how old I was when I first started going with him--probably younger than Kyle. We'd go out in the boat and sit together for hours. Sometimes he'd tell me stories--it seemed like he had thousands of them--and he'd answer whatever questions I asked as best he could. My father never graduated from high school, but even so he was pretty good at explaining things. And if I asked him something he didn't know, he'd say that, too. He wasn't the kind of person who had to be right all the time."
Denise almost reached out to touch him, but he seemed lost in the past, his chin resting on his chest.
"I never saw him get angry, I never once heard him raise his voice at anyone. When I'd act up, all he had to do was say, 'That's enough now, son.' And I'd stop because I knew I was disappointing him. I know that probably sounds strange, but I guess I just didn't want to let him down."
When he finished, Taylor took a long, slow breath.
"He sounds like a wonderful man," Denise said, knowing she'd stumbled upon something important about Taylor, but uncertain of its shape and meaning.
"He was."
The finality of his voice made it clear that the subject was closed to further discussion, although Denise suspected there was far more left to be said. They stood without speaking for a long time, listening to the music of the crickets.
"How old were you when your father died?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.
"Four."
"Do you remember him like I remember mine?"
"Not really, not the way you do. I just remember images, really--him reading me stories or the feeling of his whiskers when he kissed me good night. I was always happy when he was around. Even now, not a day goes by when I don't wish I could turn back the clock and change what happened."
As soon as she said it, Taylor turned to her with a startled expression, knowing she'd hit it right on the head. In just a few words, she'd explained the very thing he'd tried to explain to Valerie and Lori. But even though they'd listened with compassion, they'd never really understood. They couldn't. Neither of them had ever awakened with the terrible realization that they'd forgotten the sound of their father's voice. Neither had cherished a single photograph as the only means of remembrance. Neither one of them felt the urge to tend to a small granite stone in the shade of a willow tree.
All he knew was that he'd finally heard someone else echo the things that he had known, and for the second time that evening he reached for her hand.
They held hands in silence, fingers loosely intertwined, each afraid that speaking would break the spell. Lazy clouds, silver in the moon, lay scattered in the sky. Standing close, Denise watched shadows play over his features, feeling slightly unstrung. On his jaw was a small scar she'd never noticed before; there was another just below his ring finger on the hand that was holding hers, a small burn, perhaps, that had healed long ago. If he was aware of her scrutiny, he gave no notice. Instead he simply stared out over the property.
The air had cooled slightly. A sea breeze had blown through earlier, leaving a stillness in its wake. Denise sipped her tea, listening as insects buzzed noisily around the porch light. An owl called from the darkness. Cicadas sang in the trees. The evening was coming to an end, she could feel that. It was almost over.
He finished his glass, the ice cubes clinking, then set it on the railing.
"I should probably go. I have an early day tomorrow."
"I'm sure," she said.