‘Our place.’ She says the words slowly, letting them roll off her tongue. ‘That sounds like a great idea to me to celebrate if that’s okay. Maybe Luke and Violet could come hang.’ I glance over at the two of them chatting near the front of the crowd. ‘It might be nice now that you and Violet are getting along.’
Callie nods. ‘Sounds perfect.’ She threads her fingers through mine and pulls me away from the stadium – away from my father’s voice – and by the time we reach the car, it’s disappeared completely.
I just wish it would stay that way.
Chapter 17
#157 Get to Know Your Family Even When It Seems Impossible.
Kayden
Callie and I managed to move in a few things before we had to part ways for Thanksgiving, but between work and school, we still have a ways to go. We do get to spend one night in our apartment together, cuddled up on a blanket and watching movies on my laptop, before she drops me off at the airport so I can fly out to Virginia for Thanksgiving.
I’m not happy about spending the holiday without her, but I understand she needs to go home and see her brother while I need to go see mine. It’s part of growing and getting better, I guess – learning how to do things on your own. I just wish doing things on my own meant I could still hold Callie’s hand because it feels weird without her near me.
Dylan’s wife – who insists I call her Liz, instead of by her full name, which is Elizabeth – is freaking out, trying to get the house in order for her parents’ arrival, while she tries to cook everything all at once. The kitchen smells like burnt toast and the air is heavy with smoke, causing the smoke detectors to go off sporadically.
‘Does she need help?’ I ask Dylan. We’re sitting at the table playing cards, which blows my freaking mind because it’s so normal and makes me uncomfortable, since I’m not used to it. What I’m used to, at least, the last time I was at a family event, was yelling, fighting, hitting, breaking.
Dylan assesses his cards as he takes a gulp of his beer. ‘You can ask her, but she’ll flip out on you.’ He sets two cards face down on the table and gives himself two more from the deck. Dylan looks a lot like me; brown hair, tall, with a medium build, and is probably my future. Well, except the whole teaching thing. I can’t see myself doing that. Honestly, I’m not sure I can picture myself doing this either, sitting at the table while Callie cooks dinner. It seems so fucking rude to make her do it. Plus, Callie doesn’t like to cook very much.
‘Do you need any help?’ I finally ask as Liz rushes back and forth between the stove and a bowl she’s mixing something in. She’s got blonde hair, blue eyes, and is wearing an apron over her jeans and T-shirt, and she doesn’t look very comfortable in the kitchen.
She waves me off, scurrying for a towel when she spills milk on the counter. ‘No. You’re the guest and you should sit back and relax.’
Dylan chuckles under his breath as he rearranges the cards in his hand. ‘Don’t worry. She’s going to give up here in about a half an hour and we’ll end up going out.’
‘So, this is your tradition?’ I examine my cards. I don’t have a very good hand, but we’re not playing for money, just fun. I know why, too. When we were younger, our father would make us play for money. If he won, he’d take all his winnings and if he lost, he’d beat the shit out of us because in his words, ‘we were cheating bastards.’ So really, we’d always lose.
Dylan nods, laying his cards down and I do the same. I think I like Dylan a little bit more when instead of bragging about winning, he says, ‘Yeah, if she’d just let me help, though, it wouldn’t be a problem. I’m an excellent cook.’
As Liz whisks by the table, she whips Dylan in the side with the dish towel she’s carrying. ‘That’s such a lie. You equally suck at cooking, which is why we have at least five takeout places on speed dial.’
‘One for each weekday?’ I joke, gathering the cards.
Liz nods with a serious look on her face and it kind of makes me smile because they have their own thing going here that doesn’t seem at all like my parents. They’re not nasty to each other. They smile. Laugh.
It’s nice, and kind of a relief because it gives me the tiniest ray of hope that I won’t turn out like my father, that I can have this normalcy, this happiness, that I can have a future filled with what I want, and with who I want.
‘You want to go watch the game?’ Dylan asks, nodding at the living room as he picks up his beer and scoots his chair back from the table.
‘Sure.’ I get up and we wander into the living room and settle on the leather couch in front of the flat screen. The wall is covered with photos of the two of them – at their wedding, the beach, on the top of a mountain. It makes me sad because I don’t have any photos where I look happy. Callie and I don’t even have any photos of us on the wall.
‘So, you think you’re ever going to do this?’ Dylan asks after we sit in silence through a couple of plays.
‘Do what?’ I ask, tipping my head back to take a sip of my soda.
He picks at the damp label on the beer bottle. ‘Play professionally …’ He leans forward to set the beer on the coffee table, then turns to face me, leaning against the arm rest. ‘Liz says you’re pretty good.’
I drum my fingers against the side of the soda can, a pucker forming at my brow. ‘When has she seen me play?’
‘She watches your games on the internet.’
‘All of them?’ I’m dumbfounded. She watches me play? Really? Why?
‘Most of them,’ he says. ‘And I’ve watched a few, too. I’d watch more, but I’m working on getting my master’s degree right now, so I don’t have a lot of free time.’ He gives me a pat on the arm. ‘Don’t look so surprised. We care about you, Kayden.’ Suddenly, the mood shifts as he blows out a loud breath. ‘I know it might seem like I don’t, since we didn’t talk for years, but if I had known what was going on in that house … that he’d gotten that bad … that he would actually try …’ He can’t even get the words out and he ends by giving up, raking his fingers through his hair before he says, ‘I wouldn’t have been absent for so long. I shouldn’t have and it’s one of my biggest regrets.’
‘I kind of understand why you did it, though,’ I say, staring at the soda in my hand. ‘I had a hard time just coming here … The whole family thing is strange to me because it’s good, yet it reminds me of how bad things can be. And I don’t mean you. You were never bad. And Tyler, well, he was great until he started doing drugs and turned into a mess. But I mean Mom and Dad.’
Dylan reaches for his beer again. ‘It is hard, isn’t it? It took me forever to figure out how to be in a house with Liz, how to act like a family because I didn’t have a freaking clue. I felt so lost, you know?’
‘And now?’ I wonder. ‘Is it better now …? Because it seems like it is.’
He nods. ‘Now I’m happy.’ He gives me a smile then takes a sip of the beer before he asks, ‘So what about you, Kayden? Are you happy?’
I shrug. ‘Sure. I guess.’
He frowns. ‘You guess?’
I shrug again. ‘Sometimes I am, but I wish I could figure out how to be all the time, you know.’ He gives me a sad look and I explain further. ‘It’s just that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, football’s great and I’m good at it and enjoy playing it, but I only got into it because of Dad. And that’s the thing. It all …’ I blow out a breath. ‘It all comes back to him. I don’t want to have anything to do with him and every time something is connected to him, I’m not happy … I swear to God, I can sometimes hear his voice in my head when I’m out playing … I just want to be able to play for me …’ I stop talking, unsure why I decided to say that aloud – I haven’t even told Callie about that yet.
Dylan’s shoulders slump, probably from the weight of the memories of our father. ‘Kayden, you shouldn’t let that – him – stop you from doing anything. It only gives him more power over your life. If football makes you happy, then do it. I know i
t’s hard, but you need to let this thing with Dad go. Let the past go. And I think once you do, you’ll stop hearing all that fucked up shit he said to you all the time – you’ll be able to play for you.’
‘You pretty much just stated word for word what my therapist said,’ I tell him then heave a heavy sigh. ‘And I know I should … and I’m trying to. It’s just going to take some time for me to figure shit out.’ I set the can down on the table, then cross my arms as I recline in the sofa, wondering if there will ever be a time I can play for me and just love/love the game. I sure as hell hope so. ‘I have a ways to go, though … I mean, I still fuck up sometimes with certain things.’ I’m not going to go any further than that, as I’m not ready to talk to him about my cutting disorder.
‘Everyone does that. It’s called life, Kayden.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
A gap of silence goes by and I start to focus back on the game. Someone just scored a touchdown and the crowd is going wild. The sight puts me in a state of contentment, like it does whenever I’m playing.
‘What about that Callie girl you’re dating?’ he asks, drawing my attention back to him. ‘Are you still seeing her?’
I move to grab my soda. ‘Yeah, we actually just got our own place right before I headed out here.’
His eyes widen in astonishment. ‘Shut the fuck up. Seriously?’ he asks and I nod, caught off guard by his excitement. ‘Wow, I didn’t know you guys were that serious. You never really seemed like you were on the phone. Then again, you barely talk about your private life either, so …’ he trails off, looking sort of sad.
‘Don’t take that personally,’ I say. ‘I only talk about that stuff with Callie.’
He nods, relaxing a little. ‘Wow, you are fucking serious with this girl, aren’t you?’
‘Who’s serious with a girl?’ Liz interrupts our conversation as she comes strolling in with a plate full of what looks like burnt squash. I didn’t even know you could burn squash.
‘Kayden,’ Dylan tells her at the same time I say, ‘No one.’
Dylan’s grin is conniving as he looks from me to Liz. ‘Callie and Kayden moved in together.’
‘Really.’ Her eyes light up as she sets the plate down on the coffee table. ‘That’s so huge, Kayden. Why didn’t you tell us?’
Again, Dylan looks hurt and it makes me feel slightly remorseful. Maybe I’ve been going about this whole getting-to-know-your-family thing all wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have been shutting them out as much as I have been. But it’s difficult to let people in when I know how bad people can hurt you. Still, I decide to try because I know if Callie were here, that’s what she’d want me to do.
‘Sorry, I think it just slipped my mind. I’m not used to telling people things, I guess.’
‘Well, that I do get,’ he says, nervously cracking his knuckles. ‘I’ve actually been needing to talk to you about something.’
I can tell by his tone what it’s about. ‘You found out more about our parents, didn’t you?’
‘I got a call from Mom this morning, but I’ve been procrastinating about telling you because I didn’t want to ruin the trip. But I guess we’re never going to have much of a relationship if we don’t start talking to each other, are we?’ he asks, and even though I’m not too thrilled to hear more about Mom and Dad, I nod. He wavers, uncertainty filling his expression. ‘She actually wanted to tell me about our father.’ Another long pause as he squirms in the chair. ‘It’s bad, Kayden. Dad, I mean … he’s in bad shape.’
I’m fairly sure an entire set of commercials plays before I’m able to get ahold of my voice and my emotions enough to respond. ‘How bad?’
Resolution.
This is what you wanted, right?
You are a terrible person.
‘Really, really bad,’ Dylan says, releasing an exhausted breath.
It’s strange, but it seems like we should be crying or something, yet our eyes are dry. My heart feels the same way, too, and those thoughts of how I’ve got to be a bad person come rushing back to me because this can’t be normal – to feel nothing toward the person who raised you. Regardless, that’s how I feel.
Absolutely nothing.
‘I think he’s going to die,’ Dylan says quietly.
And again, nothing.
I think Callie might have been wrong because there’s no way I’m not broken.
Chapter 18
#159 Don’t Panic When Things Get Brutally Ugly.
Callie
It’s the day after Thanksgiving and the house I grew up in is already sparkling with Christmas lights, a tree in need of decorating, and tons of cut-out snowflakes. My mother is one of those people who loves the holidays to the point where it might be an unhealthy obsession. However, after years and years of it, my brother, father, and I have learned to tolerate it. We’ve also learned how to avoid countless hours of trimming the tree with silver balls and tinsel.
‘I can’t believe she bought your lie this time,’ my brother Jackson says from the front seat of my father’s truck as he fidgets with the stereo. ‘Telling her we’re going to buy some replacement bulbs for the lights, even though all of them are up. I still can’t believe you actually took a couple of the bulbs out so some wouldn’t work.’
Jackson looks better than he used to; less stoner/pothead and more hipster. He’s been attending community college in Florida where my grandparents live and works as a manager at an electronic store. I’m glad to see him like this, instead of the druggie jerk he was when he had spent so much time with Caleb.
My father chuckles as he turns the wipers up a notch. ‘I’ve been having to get more creative with my excuses to get out of the house. Picking up Callie was a long one.’ He grins at me from over his shoulder. ‘And a good one, too.’
I smile back then watch the snowflakes splatter against the window. The snow hasn’t let up since he picked me up from Laramie three days ago. No one I knew was going that way and Kayden was worried his car wasn’t safe enough to get me there with how bad the roads have been. When I told my dad this, he not only got excited to come get me, but he also remarked what a great guy Kayden was for thinking of my safety.
‘You’ve been awfully quiet,’ my father says as he makes a right down Main Street.
‘That’s because she’s lovesick.’ Jackson smirks at me and I stick out my tongue.
‘Is that what it is?’ my father asks and I vow to get Jackson back for bringing this up. ‘Do you miss Kayden?’
‘Of course I miss him,’ I say, unzipping my coat because Jackson is overheating the car with how high he’s got the heater turned up. ‘But I’m always this quiet.’
‘That’s true,’ Jackson mumbles. He folds his arms and stares out the window at the buildings bordering the street. The town is small, but it’s the day after Thanksgiving and the sales the stores are having are causing havoc in the streets.
‘We should go snowboarding or something this weekend,’ Jackson suddenly says to me. I know what he’s doing. Ever since I told my family about what happened with Caleb on my twelfth birthday, Jackson has acted almost too nice. I think he feels guilty because Caleb was his friend and therefore was in the house because of him. I don’t blame him, though. It’s not like he knew it was going to happen. Caleb had everyone fooled.
‘I don’t really know how to snowboard,’ I admit as our dad turns into the busy parking lot of the hardware store located in the heart of the town. ‘And I don’t have a board.’
‘You can borrow my old one. And we’ll go down the small hill.’
I frown. ‘You mean the bunny hill?’
He unclicks his seatbelt. ‘See, you already know the lingo. You’ll be fine.’
I roll my eyes, but agree to go. Then the three of us hop out of the car and face the madness of the store. There’s so many people there that we have to stand in a line just to get in.
‘Wow, people are crazy,’ Jackson mumbles, tugging the hood of his coat over his head as we wa
it to get to the doors. ‘You should have thought of something else, Dad, that didn’t require going into stores.’
‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ he agrees, putting on a pair of gloves. ‘But I panicked when she came at me with the inflatable Santa.’
I’m laughing at him when my phone vibrates from inside my pocket. I take it out as we move forward with the line, already guessing who the text is from.
And I’m right.
Kayden: So how’s it going?
Me: Super great, except for the whole avoid-crazy-mom thing turned into an enter-crazy-shopper thing.
Kayden: ???
Me: My dad makes up an excuse every year to get us out of the house while my mother goes mad ninja Christmas crazy on the house. But this time he didn’t put enough thought into it because he took us to the store. And people are nuts. There’s a line just to get into the store.
Kayden: I’m sorry you’re not having fun:(
Me: I actually am. It’s good to see my dad and Jackson. He actually offered to take me snowboarding this weekend.
Kayden: U should go. It’s a lot of fun.
Me: I told him I would, but I’m pretty sure I’ll just spend the day falling on my butt.
Kayden: At least you’ll look adorable doing it;)
Me: Hmm … I’m not so sure. I think my adorableness is only seen by your eyes.
Kayden: No way. U just don’t see it.
I’m about to text back when I realize Jackson and my dad are staring at me with silly grins on their faces.
‘What?’ I ask them.
Jackson sniggers, shaking his head, while my dad just continues to smile. ‘It’s nothing.’ He turns forward and moves with the line. We’re almost there. ‘How’s Kayden doing?’
‘Good. But how’d you know I was texting him?’ I wonder, pulling my hood over my head as the wind picks up.
‘Because you have that lovesick, puppy dog look in your eyes,’ Jackson says smugly as we finally, FINALLY make it into the store.