Just like I predicted, by the end of our mad, crazy snowball fight, Jackson is smashing snow in my face. I’m on my back on the snowbank near the dumpster, laughing my butt off as he stands over me, pressing snow into my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Luke’s truck pull up and park under the carport near the building.
‘Fine, I give up!’ I laugh, kicking at Jackson, feeling like a kid again, having fun with my older brother, something that stopped happening when I was twelve. ‘Just stop! Luke’s here.’
‘I warned you not to mess with me.’ His cheeks are red because I did manage to throw a few more snowballs at his face. Just to be an ass, Jackson drops a handful of snow on the top of my head before helping me to my feet. Then we slip down the steep hill and walk back toward the carport area. My coat is full of snow and I try to shake it out while Jackson laughs his head off at me.
‘This is so cold,’ I say as we approach Luke’s truck.
‘Just wait until we hit the slopes,’ Jackson replies, plucking some flakes of snow out of his hair. ‘You’re probably going to get a face full of snow every time you try to stop.’
My nose scrunches. ‘Way to boost my confidence.’
Jackson’s mouth spreads to a grin. ‘Anytime.’
I’m thinking of a comeback when the truck door swings open and Luke hops out. He’s wearing a vintage-looking leather coat, a beanie, and has black work boots on. ‘Figures it has to be snowing when we do this,’ he remarks, slipping a pair of gloves on.
Luke used to scare me when I first met him. He just has that look about him that screams back the heck off. But once I got to know him, I realized he was actually really nice and that the look came from his own inner demons.
‘I hope you don’t mind, but I brought some people with me.’ Right as he says it, Violet climbs out of the passenger side. Like Luke, she’s wearing a beanie over her wild locks of red and black hair, boots, and a leather jacket, only unlike Luke, hers has studs in it. Violet is actually the perfect match for Luke and not just when it comes to looks either. Although I can seriously picture two figurine replicas of them standing upon the top of a gothic wedding cake.
‘The more the merrier,’ Jackson tells Luke, stomping some snow off his boots. ‘And the less I have to carry.’
‘Well, aren’t you just a gentleman,’ Violet says sarcastically to my brother, unimpressed.
My brother responds by checking her out, his eyes quickly scrolling up her body.
I jab him in the side with my elbow. ‘Ew, stop it,’ I hiss under my breath. ‘She’s Luke’s girlfriend and you have your own, remember?’
Jackson gives me a whoops look, totally busted. ‘Sorry.’
I’m surprised by how easy he lets it go and I turn to Luke and Violet, reaching into my coat pocket to get my own gloves. ‘Ready to get this party started?’
‘Yeah, just as soon as I bundle up.’ The voice doesn’t come from either of them or my brother, but from the passenger side of the truck.
My head snaps in the direction, my heart leaping in my chest before I even see him. ‘What the heck are you doing here?’ I ask as I sprint around the back of the truck, nearly wiping out on a patch of ice, but I regain my footing and launch myself into Kayden’s strong arms, a little too forcefully because he lets out a grunt.
His arms slip around me and he holds me tightly against him. ‘I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to be here with you.’
‘I needed you here, too,’ I say, because even though I handled the thing with Caleb just fine, I’d needed him, something I’m discovering now.
‘I know.’ He hugs me tighter.
To everyone else, it probably looks like we’re happily reuniting. That, like the apartment, this was another amazing surprise. And it is in a way. But only I can hear the desperation in Kayden’s voice, the silent plea for me to never let him go.
And it’s exactly what I do.
Chapter 22
#164 Party Dance Like a Rock Star.
Kayden
Dylan had let me use his flyer miles to change flights and go home early, but only if I promised to visit for Christmas and bring Callie. Hopefully, Callie won’t mind that I agreed because I really just wanted to go home to her.
The flight home, I’m a mess and have to keep repeating to myself all the reasons why I don’t need to cut.
Callie.
I don’t want to go back to that place where I become that person again.
I’m not happier when I do it.
It’s unhealthy, both mentally and physically.
Callie.
I’ll have to start all over again.
My body already has too many scars.
I want to be better.
I need to let go of the past.
Callie.
Callie.
Callie.
That list streams through my head for the entire trip and it keeps me intact and clearly shows what is important to me. By the time I make it to the apartment – to Callie – I’m an emotional wreck, but in a good way.
I don’t really get to talk to Callie very much for the rest of the day, though I’m desperate to. We spend most of the afternoon unloading the truck then take a break in the living room before heading out to get something to eat because everyone is ‘starving to death.’
‘You need some pictures on your wall,’ Jackson says, sitting down on the sofa and glancing around at our bare white walls. He takes off the beanie he’s wearing and tosses it aside. ‘It’d make this place look better.’
‘We’ll get there,’ Callie replies, plopping down on the barstool next to the one I’m sitting on. Luke and Violet are sprawled out on the floor, cheeks red and looking as exhausted as I feel. There are pieces of furniture and boxes everywhere, but it feels like we’ve made progress toward turning this place into a home. ‘I’m still working on getting some up.’
‘I don’t think we have any,’ I say, picking at the label on my water bottle. ‘At least not any of you and me.’
‘You don’t think I’ve taken pictures of you,’ she says, pressing her hand to her chest, feigning being offended.
I manage to peel the damp label off and set it on the counter. ‘You have some of me?’
‘Of us.’ She nudges me with her elbow and smiles. But when I don’t return it, she falters. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s nothing.’ I shrug and say in a low voice so no one else can hear me, ‘It’s just, pictures on a wall? Is that what people do, because we sure as hell didn’t growing up.’ But I can’t help thinking of Dylan’s place and all the pictures they have up on the wall – a life, and a good one. Is that where I’m heading? Can I have that?
It’s crazy that I don’t have to say it, that she can actually see what I’m thinking. ‘It’ll make this place not just an apartment, but a home.’ She leans over and gives me a peck on the lips.
I’m about to pull her in for a deeper kiss, but Jackson clears his throat. ‘Okay, I say it’s time to get some grub.’
Callie sighs against my lips. ‘We’ll talk later.’
I nod and then we all head out and pile into Callie’s dad’s car which is roomier than my car and Luke’s truck. Luke still manages to turn up some classic rock that everyone pretends they don’t know but ends up belting out the lyrics. By the time we hit up a local, mellower bar in town, everyone is laughing, in a good mood, but too exhausted that it takes us forever to make it inside.
‘So much for partying like a rock star,’ Callie jokes to Jackson as we settle into a booth. There’s some alternative music playing in the background and some people dancing. ‘You must be so disappointed in me.’
Jackson reaches for a menu tucked between the salt shakers. ‘Nah, I’m kind of tired myself.’ He flips open the menu. ‘Must be getting old.’
‘You better watch it,’ she teases. ‘You’re one step away from sitting around in your sweat pants on weekends and yelling at the television when your team fumbles the ball.’
‘Hey, I do that sometimes,’ I intervene. ‘Well, minus the sweatpants.’ I flash her a flirty grin and wink. ‘I just do it naked.’
‘Glad to know what I have to look forward to,’ Callie says then winks back at me. It makes me laugh for the first time since I’ve gotten back from Virginia.
‘Good God, please don’t go there,’ Jackson mutters with all his attention on the menu. ‘I really don’t want to hear about what my sister and her boyfriend do behind closed doors.’
‘Sorry, man.’ I actually used to hate Jackson for the way he treated Callie and for bringing Caleb into her life. I still carry a little disdain for him, but Callie seems to have let it go, so I’m trying to be nice. But I want to talk to Callie openly without her brother listening, so I slide to get out of the booth, Luke giving me a begrudging huff of frustration when he has to get out of my way.
‘Where are you going?’ Callie asks as I stand up and stretch my arms above my head, constraining a grin when I notice her checking out the sliver of my stomach that peeks out from the bottom of my red shirt.
‘To dance.’ I nod my chin in the direction of the dance area. ‘Want to come?’
She shakes her head. ‘Nah, I kind of want to see you shaking your thing solo.’ When I start to frown, she laughs. ‘Of course I’ll join you, silly boy.’ She’s sitting between Violet and her brother, and motions for Violet to let her out.
Once she’s to her feet, she laces her fingers through mine and pulls me toward the dance floor where couples are grinding on each other. She’s wearing black skinny jeans tucked in lace-up boots along with a red shirt. Her hair is up and the only makeup she has on is some black liner. She’s probably the most dressed woman here and the most beautiful.
When we reach the center of the floor, I pull her to me and she rests her head on my chest as we start swaying to the beat of ‘Ho Hey’ by The Lumineers.
‘So why’d you really come home early?’ she asks so softly I can barely hear her over the music.
‘Because I wanted to make sure you were okay.’ I press my hand to her lower back, the other on her hips as I rest my chin on the top of her head.
‘But there’s more to it than that.’ It’s not a question, but a statement.
My initial reaction is to lie, but then I realize I don’t want to lie to her anymore, don’t want to be that guy. ‘Because I wasn’t handling things well.’
Her hands tighten around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to her. ‘Did you—’
‘No,’ I cut her off so she doesn’t have to ask. ‘I wanted to, though. Things were already hard when I learned about my father and about what happened with Caleb, but then it got worse when my mother called and wanted to talk to me.’
Her hold on me tightens. ‘Did you talk to her?’
‘No … I couldn’t.’
‘Good. I’m glad. You shouldn’t. Not until we know where she stands. And maybe not even then.’
‘I love you,’ I say because it’s all I can say at the moment. The way she’s always protecting me, it’s too much sometimes to even comprehend.
She leans back to look me in the eyes. ‘I don’t think you should ever even consider talking to her again unless you want to, no matter what happens.’
‘I won’t,’ I say. ‘Although, I was kind of curious what she had to say … probably something bad, but still she’s …’
‘She’s your mom and you feel like you have to talk to her,’ Callie finishes for me. ‘But she needs to start acting like a mother before you treat her like one.’
‘I’m not sure I ever want to anyway.’
‘Then don’t. You don’t owe her anything.’
Her words are exactly what I need to hear, and I no longer want to dwell on family stuff. I want desperately to let go of it, so I change the subject. ‘You and your brother seem to be getting along.’
She shrugs, staring up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. ‘It’s been nice hanging out with him.’
‘Good. I’m glad. It’s nice to see you happy around your family.’
‘My mom wants us to come visit,’ she says, emphasizing her point that I’m included in this.
‘Dylan wants us to do the same thing,’ I say, mimicking her emphasis.
It gets her to laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners. ‘Families are needy, aren’t they?’ As soon as she says it, she looks worried, like she’s offended me or something.
‘Callie, you don’t have to be careful with me. You can say the word family and I’ll be fine.’ I catch her gaze flick to my wrists, which I’m proud to say are free of any fresh cuts. ‘And besides, I’m learning that family doesn’t always mean what I thought it did. Dylan and his wife are nice, and Tyler wasn’t a dick.’ Keeping one hand on her back, I put the other on her cheek. ‘But honestly, you’re more of my family than anyone else. All I need is you and me and our tiny little apartment, and I’m good. I realized that while I was in Virginia.’
She swallows hard, her eyes welling up, but she looks happy not sad. ‘Good, because it’s all I need, too.’ Then she stands up on her tiptoes and plants a soft kiss on my mouth. ‘From now on,’ she whispers against my lips, ‘we take all trips and vacations together.’
‘Deal,’ I say then coax her lips apart with my tongue so I can kiss her as deeply as I want.
We keep moving and kissing until the song ends. When it switches to a faster tempo one, I decide to step up my skills. Like the first time we danced, I slide my hand down her arm, push her out then spin her around until she crashes into my chest.
She busts up laughing, throwing her head back. ‘You know, we may not have gotten to party like rock stars, but we sure as heck can dance like them.’
‘We sure as hell can,’ I say, spinning her around and around until she’s laughing so hard she’s crying. ‘We can do anything – you and me – when we’re together.’
Her laughing silences as she stares up at me. ‘I want this … you and me … forever.’
I wet my lips with my tongue, noting how much my heart accelerates, noticing how much I don’t want to run.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
My heart beats.
Forever.
And ever.
And ever.
‘Me, too,’ I say then kiss her with as much passion as my heart is carrying, letting her know just how much I love her, and that I always will.
Chapter 23
#165 Accept the Phone Call You’ve Been Dreading.
Kayden
A week passes without anything major happening, and I think, Maybe my life is finally going to get some normalcy. My days consist of practice, school, Callie, work, Callie, and practice. I love the routine and it starts to get me wondering if maybe Dylan was right, perhaps it’s time to let everything with my father go. Move on. Accept football might be my thing and just own it. It doesn’t need to be associated with my father if I don’t want it to be.
Yep, everything is going great in that thing we call life until I got that goddamn call.
The thing is, I knew it was coming, knew it would happen eventually. But what I wasn’t prepared for was who would deliver the news to me. Maybe if I did, I could have prepared myself more.
The unknown number should have been a red flag, but I was working on a final paper and so I was a little distracted when I answered it.
God, I wish I hadn’t been distracted.
‘Your father’s dead.’ The sound of my mother’s voice almost sidetracks me from what she said.
‘How the fuck did you get my number?’ I shove the textbooks out of the way and sit up in Callie and mine’s bed. ‘Did Dylan give it to you?’ If so, then I’m super pissed. And hurt.
She lets out a hollow laugh. ‘Yeah, right. Like he would ever do that. He thinks he’s protecting you from us by keeping us disconnected.’
I relax a little, relieved Dylan didn’t betray me. And I’m a little pissed off at myself for instantly jumping to tha
t conclusion. ‘He is, though.’
‘Well, you can believe what you want,’ she says, her icy tone unsettlingly familiar. ‘But people shouldn’t disown their family.’
‘I didn’t disown you. You chose to leave and I chose not to let you back in.’ I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, putting my feet on the floor. ‘And I’ve been doing fine with that choice – better than I have my entire life.’
‘Well, I’m sorry we make you so miserable.’ She sounds anything but sorry. Irritated, yes. Sorry, no. There’s a pause and I think she’s waiting for me to disagree with her statement, but I’m not going to. ‘Well, anyway. I thought I’d call to let you know you’re now officially fatherless.’
‘Okay.’ Again, I feel nothing.
Nothing.
Empty.
Cold.
Without a heart.
Except I do have a heart.
It just beats for someone else.
For people who deserve it.
Callie.
‘Jesus, Kayden, you could at least pretend to sound upset about it,’ she says in a surprisingly even tone for someone who just lost her husband.
‘Yeah, well, I guess I’m not as good at pretending as you are.’ I lower my head into my hand, wanting to take what I said back because it’s rude and spiteful, and I don’t want to be that. But I can’t bring myself to retract what I’m really feeling and pretend.
‘I can’t believe how you’re acting,’ she snaps. ‘I raised you to be better than this. Raised you to be the kind of person that would at least come say goodbye to their father before he passed. You know how weird it looked to the doctors and nurses for none of his children to show up?’ My mother has always been into appearances, her motto being that as long as everyone thinks everything is perfect, then it is.
‘About as bad as it looked for the entire town when I got arrested, I’m sure. Or when I was committed because of my cutting.’
‘I can’t believe you’re bringing that up.’