‘Aw, and the secret dance moves come out,’ I say, laughing when he spins me again and then crashes me against his chest. Kayden once told me that he secretly knew how to dance because his mother used him as a dance partner when he was younger.
His arms slide around me as I rest my head on his shoulder. ‘That was supposed to be a secret,’ he whispers in my ear, giving my lobe a soft nip.
The band takes a break and the DJ turns on a song I know. ‘My Immortal’ by Evanescence. It’s slow and relaxing and I find myself unstiffening and leaning against Kayden as I rock to the music and drift away from reality.
‘I hope you’re having fun tonight,’ he whispers in my ear, his hand on the small of my back pulling me closer. There’s something in his touch – a desperation.
‘Of course I am.’ My eyelids slip shut as the warmth of his body drowns me and I pull him closer, wishing he knew that everything was going to be okay. If only I could make him see that somehow, that he’ll always have me, that he’ll never be alone.
‘Good. That’s all I want for you – nothing but fun.’ His breath catches. ‘You deserve to be happy.’
I angle my chin up to look him in the eye. ‘I am happy.’ Unlike him. He looks like he’s in pain, on the verge of crying. ‘Who was texting you?’
He shuts his eyes and shakes his head. ‘I don’t want to talk about it tonight, don’t want to make another one of your nights depressing.’
Where the heck is this coming from?
‘You don’t make any of my nights depressing. What the fuck, Kayden?’ It’s rare for me to curse, so when I do, it has a purpose. Right now, I’m panicking because he looks like a guy that’s about to break up with his girlfriend. ‘A-are you b-breaking up with me?’
His eyes snap wide in horror. ‘What? No! Why the hell would you say that?’
‘Because you look like you’re about to!’
‘I would never say that to you! Ever!’
We’re yelling over the music and I hate it. We never yell, even behind doors, only talk passionately. But this is yelling and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
As if he suddenly realizes we’re in a crowded place, he lowers his voice as he takes my hand. ‘Will you come with me? I have something …’ He exhales loudly and runs his free hand through his hair. ‘I have something I need to talk to you about.’
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nod then follow him off the dance floor, waving to Seth on my way. Seth gives me a concerned look and then puts his finger and thumb up to the side of his face like a phone. I nod, understanding he wants me to call him later. Then, I turn and focus on my steps because that’s easier than focusing on what the hell just caused Kayden and me to yell at each other for the first time.
After we collect our jackets from coat check, we step outside into the buzzing air that nips at my skin. I instantly slip my jacket on and zip it up, shivering as Kayden leads me to his car. He opens the passenger door for me without saying a word then rounds the car and gets in and turns on the engine, cranking up the heat. He stares out the window, gripping the steering wheel so firmly his hands begin to tremble.
‘I fucked up,’ he finally says, pulling his hands away from the wheel and wiping his palms on his jeans.
I’m about to ask him what he messed up with, but he rolls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows me the answer. Earlier, when he’d picked me up, I thought I’d noticed a piece of gauze sticking out of his shirt, but I’d stupidly gotten sidetracked by the rose and naked man and had completely forgotten to ask him about it.
God, I should have asked him.
‘What happened?’ I whisper, even though I sadly know the answer.
He shuts his eyes and rubs his hand down his face, releasing a weighted breath. ‘I was feeling a lot of pressure lately and instead of dealing with it, I let it eat away at me. Then some shit happened today … and I … I sort of just lost it.’ He opens his eyes, but looks ahead instead of at me. ‘That’s why I was able to pick you up today. I had to miss practice so I could go talk to my therapist.’
I know therapy is good for him, glad he does it, but still, sometimes I wish he’d talk to me, too, about stuff.
‘What was the stuff that happened today? Or do you not want to talk about it?’
He rubs his hand down his face again, this time so roughly I’m worried he’s doing it to cause himself physical pain. ‘I should have talked to you to begin with, instead of doing what I did. The therapist says it happens, though. Relapses happen.’ He squeezes his eyes closed, a tear or two slips out. I’m not sure what to do or say, if there’s anything I can do or say since I don’t know what this is about. I know enough to know his cutting comes when he doesn’t want to feel an emotional pain, but what caused him emotional pain?
I’m about to ask him, to try to get him to talk to me again, but this time he gives it to me without me asking. His eyes open and he looks at me, not bothering to hide the tears. ‘Dylan found my mother and father.’
Chapter 9
#145 Fall in Love with the Same Person Again.
Kayden
I’ve always been good at pretending. I pretended that my father wasn’t an abusive asshole for eighteen years of my life. That my mother wasn’t a sedated zombie for the same amount of time. For twelve years, I pretended that I didn’t cut myself because physical pain was easier than emotional. Pretending in front of Callie has always been hard, though. She’s not so easily persuaded to believe things she knows aren’t real just because it’s easier to deal with than the ugly truth.
Callie always wants the truth, no matter how raw and painful it is. And I need to learn how to give it to her, which is something my therapist and I talked about today after I went in for an emergency visit.
It was Dylan’s call that set me off, but it was the emotions that surfaced afterward that sent me over the edge. Anger. Hurt. Blinding rage. Relief. Guilt over the relief. It ate away at my soul and heart, and instead of feeling it, even though I fought to hang on, I slipped up and let a razor eat away at my flesh and blood. But I still felt guilty afterward for doing it. So I sought help, which is better than what I used to do. And it’s helping me get through the texts Dylan’s sending me of updates on what he found out.
And now I’m seeking Callie, even though I’m scared shitless to put myself out there.
‘What do you mean he found them?’ Callie’s eyes are huge against the pale moonlight. She keeps redirecting her focus from my face to my wrist that’s wrapped in gauze.
I want to touch her, but am afraid to. ‘I mean, he got a hold of them.’ I shrug then shrug again, my shoulders feeling as heavy as pounds of rocks. ‘They’re at a hospital. Been in there for a while. I guess there was some kind of accident and my father’s hurt pretty bad or something.’
If it’s even possible, her eyes enlarge even more. ‘What exactly is wrong with him?’
‘I’m not sure.’ I scratch at my wrist, making the fresh cut burn. The sensation is both soothing and frightening, a love/hate thing. ‘Dylan didn’t know all the details yet, probably because my mother wouldn’t give them to him, but I guess he’s been in the hospital for a few weeks now. Not sure why yet – what exactly’s wrong with him.’
Callie put her hand over mine, probably so I’ll stop scratching at my wrist. ‘How do you not know all this, though? I mean, how did your brother get a hold of them?’
I swallow the lump in my throat caused by her fingers so close to the cut, a cut we both know came from my own hand. ‘Tyler broke down and spilled it to Dylan. I guess he’d been with them for a while, but after the accident with my father, he took off and started hitchhiking to Dylan’s house.’
‘And where are your mother and father now? I mean, I know they’re in a hospital, but where exactly?’
‘I’m not sure. Dylan said all Tyler gave was a phone number. He said he’s still trying to get all the details from my mother, but it’s like pulling teeth.’ I smash my lips together so tightly
they go numb. ‘That’s how my family is, Callie. They keep secrets. From each other. From the world. No one knows who the Owens are, not even the Owens sometimes.’ I’m about to start crying again, which is fucking ridiculous. I don’t need to be crying over anything, do I? I don’t know what to feel. All those years of being beat, both mentally and physically, are rendering me incapable of feeling the right things in this type of situation.
‘I think I’m broken,’ I whisper as a tear or two fall from my eyes. I feel like such a fucking pussy. This is ridiculous. Crying over something so stupid. Something I shouldn’t be crying over.
Shaking her head, Callie climbs over the console and sits on my lap, facing me with a leg on each side. ‘You’re not broken, Kayden. Why would you ever say that?’
‘Because …’ My hands start to quiver as she guides my arms around her waist. ‘Because a tiny part of me doesn’t even feel bad for him.’ Before I can see her reaction, which I’m sure is filled with disgust, I lower my head onto her shoulder and breathe in her comforting scent.
After a few minutes of gripping onto her and sobbing, I manage to get my crying under control, but the silence in the car is heavier than my tears. I’m not sure what to say to her, what she’s thinking, feeling. God, I wish I could read her mind, see into her soul like I swear she sees into mine.
‘You know that day when you beat up Caleb?’ she finally asks, her voice slightly choked up.
It’s not what I was expecting her to say, but I still lean back to look at her as I nod. ‘Of course I remember it. It was the day I felt I finally did something for you, instead of the other way around.’
I’d lost it that day when I found out Caleb Miller, a guy who was a little bit older than me and grew up in our town, was the one who raped Callie when she was twelve. I’d wanted him to pay for it somehow, so I did the only thing I could – beat the shit out of him.
‘Well, I remember when I heard about it – about what you did.’ Her voice cracks. ‘I hated to admit it, considering all of the bad stuff that happened afterward to you, but a part of me felt relieved, maybe even a little bit grateful.’
‘But you deserved to feel that way,’ I assure her. ‘What he did to you was fucking horrible and sick and wrong.’
‘Just like what your father did to you,’ she says with pressing eyes. When I start to look away, she places her hand on my face and forces me to look at her. ‘Kayden, I’ve heard some of the stories about the things he’s done, and I’m pretty sure you’ve made sure not to tell me the worst of them, considering’ – she glances down at my chest – ‘how big some of those scars are.’
‘But I don’t want to be like him,’ I say in a strangled whisper. ‘I don’t want to be full of rage and hate like him.’
‘Why would you ever think you were like him? You’re not in any way, shape, or form.’
‘But I’m relieved because he’s hurt, like he deserved it somehow. And that’s something he would do – feel relief by hurting people.’
‘That’s different, Kayden. Way, way different. And you didn’t hurt him.’
She’s saying pretty much what my therapist said to me today when I went to talk to him about how I was feeling. And part of me gets why they’re telling me this, but the other part of me – the one that fears turning out like my grandfather and my father – can’t get over how full of hate my reaction is.
‘I know, but …’ I can’t meet her gaze, my eyes on the parking lot, the stars in the sky, anywhere but at her.
‘But what?’ She urges me to tell her, to look at her, not to shut down like I have in the past. And I want to give her that. I really do, but I need to figure out how.
‘What if I keep getting set off?’ I finally dare say, forcing my attention back on her.
Her gaze swallows me up. ‘I’m not sure what you mean.’
I raise my wrist. ‘What if things only get worse and return to this. The last time my father was in my life, this shit owned me.’
Worry masks her face. ‘But he’s not in your life anymore.’
‘He might be. I mean, what if the rest of my family takes him back. And Dylan … he wants me to come out there for a week. I think he suggested it because he thought it’d help being around him while going through this, but I don’t know.’ I shrug. ‘I’ve never associated my family with helping me in anyway. Even Dylan.’
‘Then don’t go,’ she states simply, cupping my face between her hands, making me look at her. ‘You’re not under any obligation to go there. You’ve suffered enough. And if you think this is going to be hard, then you deserve not to go. You have me, Seth, and Luke all here for you, so you’re not alone in any of this. You’re never, ever alone.’
I force down the massive lump welling in my throat. ‘I know that, but I feel guilty that you guys have to put up with my shit. And I feel guilty for bailing on my family.’
‘Well, you don’t need to feel guilty about anything.’ Her voice shakes with anger, startling me. ‘You don’t owe them anything, only yourself, so do what you want to do and no one else.’
‘But what if … what if she calls me?’
‘You mean your mom?’
‘Yeah, I’m not sure I ever want to talk to her again.’ I hate that I sound like a scared little boy, but I can’t seem to control it. My mother was the type of woman who pretended not to see anything, even though she saw everything. All those years she let my father beat me, even called me in sick for school when I was too broken to go. ‘Sometimes, I feel like I hate her just as much as my father.’ I raise my hands between us and let my head fall into them. ‘God, I don’t want to do this – go back to that shit. I thought I’d moved on from it.’
‘You don’t have to let her into your life. If they don’t make you happy, don’t let them in. Life is all about the happiness, Kayden, and you should never settle for anything less.’ Callie opens the driver side door so she can climb out of the car. ‘Now scoot over. I’m going to take you somewhere.’
I lift my head up to look at her. ‘But what about the concert? You were looking forward to this and I can go back inside. It’s probably better if I do anyway, instead of sitting out here having a pity party.’
She rolls her eyes, lightening the mood a smidgeon. ‘You’re not having a pity party.’ She enfolds her arms around herself, shivering as her breath puffs out. ‘And besides, it wasn’t the concert I was looking forward to so much as spending time with you all dressed up.’
‘And I want to give that to you. You deserve to have what you want.’
Her intense gaze is locked on mine. ‘I have what I want every single day.’
Is it possible to fall in love with someone even when you’re already in love with them? Because I’m pretty sure I just did.
‘Where are we going?’
She motions me to scoot over to the passenger seat. ‘No way. I’m not telling. You’re just going to have to trust me.’
It only takes me a beat to move over. Because in the end, I do trust her more than anything else in my life.
Chapter 10
#146 Relive the Best Part of the Past.
Callie
He freaked me out. Not with what he said about his feeling toward his family – that’s understandable – but he cut himself again and has that lost look in his eyes like he did last year when he was pushing me away. And while it’s not as bad as it was, it still has me worried I might lose him to himself if he decides to go back into that dark place inside his head.
Yes, I know I could live without him if I had to, know life would have to go on, but goddammit, I don’t want to live my life without Kayden. He means more to me than anyone else that’s in or has ever been in my life. Whether he realizes it or not, he saved me once when I was stuck in a dark place. And I want to show him so he’ll understand what he means to me, that he is important, that he’s a good person, and that happiness does exist every single day when he’s with me.
The first place I take him to is the cam
pus. I know he’s completely confused when I pull into the mostly vacant parking lot and park the car as close as I can to the main entrance.
‘You know it’s almost midnight,’ Kayden says, unbuckling his seatbelt. ‘If someone sees us, they might call the cops, especially considering it’s Halloween.’
‘I know.’ I unfasten my own seatbelt, open the door, and the night breeze is gusting in. ‘But it’s worth the risk. I promise.’
Confused, he gets out of the car then meets me at the front and slips his fingers through mine. We walk silently across the icy grass, holding hands, and counting the stars. In the distance, I can hear the sounds of shouting and music, probably from a party, but still, the emptiness around us makes me feel at peace.
‘This alone is making me feel better.’ Kayden shucks off his jacket. ‘Other than you look like you’re freezing to death.’
‘I’m fine,’ I tell him, but he makes me take his jacket any way. I slip my arms through the sleeves and breathe the musky scent of his cologne.
‘Smell good?’ He cracks a smile for the first time when he notices me sniffing the fabric of his jacket.
‘I like the smell of you,’ I admit, taking another deep inhale. His smile expands and makes my heart in my chest do the same thing. ‘I’m glad you’re smiling; I was getting worried.’
He sighs, the smile vanishing from his face. ‘I hate that I make you worry so much.’
‘You worry about me all the time,’ I point out, ‘and whether or not I’m getting what I deserve, which I am.’
His lips part to argue, but then he seals them back up when I come to a stop in the center of the sidewalk. The only thing nearby is the old-looking brick entrance to the main office of the University of Wyoming that’s surrounded by trees and a few benches.
‘So this’ – I gesture at the ground with my hand – ‘is the first thing I want to show you.’
His brow furrows as he stares down at the concrete. ‘Okay … It’s a really nice spot of sidewalk, I guess.’ He lifts his gaze back up to me. ‘I’m so confused.’