She dropped her eyes, blushing, I stared at her grimly, and finally she looked up and asked me what I was looking at.
“At you,” I said. “What’s with this blushing bit? I think it’s just about impossible for you to be embarrassed. I don’t think you’d be embarrassed if you rode naked through Coventry on a Kiddy-Kar with a bull’s-eye on each titty and a feather duster up your arse! You’ve repeatedly proved that you’re shameless, goddammit, yet you go around kicking shit, and turning red as a billy goat’s butt every time you see that letter p. You—”
“Oops!” said Kay. “Whoops!” And she lost her balance and went over backwards, sitting down on the floor with a thud. She sat thus, shaking and trembling, her hands covering her face; making rather strange and fearful sounds.
“What’s the matter?” I said. “Are you throwing a fit? That’s all I need, by God, a blushing fit-thrower!”
And her hands came away from her face, they were literally exploded, as she burst into wild peals of laughter. The force of it made me wince, but it was somehow contagious. I started laughing, too, laughing harder at each new blast from her. And the harder I laughed the harder she laughed.
That kind of laughter does something to some people, and it did it to her. She staggered to her feet, trying to get to the bathroom, but she just couldn’t make it. Instead, she fell down across me, now crying from laughing so much, and I took her by her wet seat, and hauled her over to my other side.
“You dirty girl,” I said. “Why don’t you carry a cork with you?”
“D-don’t,” she begged. “Please d-don’t…”
I didn’t; that is, I didn’t say anything more. For practically anything will start a person up again when he has passed a certain point in laughing.
We lay quiet together, with the only sound the sound of our breathing.
After a long time, she sighed luxuriously and asked if I really minded her blushing, and I said I supposed there were worse things.
“I don’t know why I do it, Britt, but I always have. I’ve tried not to, but it just makes it worse.”
“I used to know a girl who was that way,” I said. “But an old gypsy cured her of it.”
I told her how it was done. Following the old gypsy’s instructions, she sprinkled salt on a sparrow’s tail when it was looking the other way. When the sparrow flew off, it took her blushes with her.
“Just like that?” Kay said. “She didn’t blush any more?”
“No, but it started a blushing epidemic among the sparrows. For years, before they lost their shame by do-doing on people, the midnight sky was brilliant with their blushes, and—”
“Darn you!” An incipient trembling of the bed. “You shut up!”
I said quickly that we should both think of something unpleasant. Something that definitely was not a laughing matter. And it was no trouble at all to think of such a something.
“I’m gonna catch holy heck,” Kay said solemnly. “Boy, oh boy, am I gonna catch it.”
“You mean, I’m going to catch it,” I said. “I was the one that got shot.”
“But I let you. I didn’t stop you from going outside.”
“Stop me? How the hell could you stop me? I’m a grown man, and if I wanted to go outside I’d go, regardless of what you said or did.”
“You’ll see,” Kay said. “Sergeant Claggett will hold me responsible. He’s already said he would.”
I couldn’t talk her out of her qualms, nor did I try to very hard. I was the one who had goofed—and I would hear from Claggett about that!—but she would be held responsible. He would have her yanked off the job, possibly even fired.
“Look, Kay,” I said. “We don’t know that I was actually shot. We don’t know anything of the kind, now, do we?”
Kay said that of course, we knew it. At least, she did. That crease across my temple had been put there by a bullet.
“Now, we don’t know,” she added thoughtfully, “that anyone was actually trying to hit you. That it was a professional, say, which it would just about have to be, wouldn’t it, if the shooting was intentional?”
“Why, that’s right!” I said. “And a pro wouldn’t have just creased me. He’d have put one through my head. I’ll bet it was an accident, Kay. Some character hunting rabbits across the road, or—or else—” I broke off, remembering the other things that had happened to me.
“Or else what, Britt?”
“He wasn’t trying to kill me or seriously injure me. Just to give me a bad jolt.”
“Oh,” said Kay, slowly. “Oh, yes. I guess you’re probably right, all right. I guess your darling little Miss Aloe was lying when she promised not to give you any more trouble.”
I snapped that Manny hadn’t been lying—something that I was by no means sure of, much as I wanted to be. Kay shrugged that, of course, I knew more about my business than she did. So who was responsible for the shooting, if Manny was not?
“I thought she was the only one you and Sergeant Claggett suspected. Of giving you such a bad time, I mean. I guess you did say that her uncle might be involved, but you really didn’t seem to believe it.”
“Didn’t and don’t,” I said curtly. “That was just a far-out possibility.”
“Well, just don’t you worry your sweet tinted-gray head about it,” said Kay. “I imagine that Miss Aloe just forgot that she’d ordered someone to take a shot at you. I’ll bet that now that she remembers doing it, she’s just as sorry as she can be.”
I said something that sounded like ship but wasn’t. Kay said brightly that she’d just thought of another explanation for the shooting. Manny had ordered it, and then ordered it canceled. But the gunman had forgotten the cancellation.
“That’s probably what happened, Britt, don’t you think so? Of course, you’d think a professional gunman would be a little more careful, but, oh, well, that’s life.”
“That’s life,” I said, “and this is my hand. And if you don’t stop needling me, dammit…!”
“I’m sorry, darling. It just about had to be an accident, didn’t it? A stray bullet from a hunter’s gun.”
“Well…” I hesitated.
“Right,” said Kay, “So there’s no reason to tell Sergeant Claggett that you were ever outside the house. He’d just get all upset and mad, and maybe take me away from you, and oh, boy,” sighed Kay. “Am I glad to get that settled! Let’s go to the bathroom, shall we?”
We went to the bathroom.
We got out of our clothes and washed, and helped each other wash, and Kay carefully removed the adhesive strip and examined my head wound.
“Mmm-hmm. It doesn’t look so bad, Britt. How does it feel?”
“No problem. A very slight itching and stinging occasionally.”
“Well, we’ll leave it unbandaged for the time being. Let the air get to it. Have you felt any more faintness?”
“Nope. Not the faintest.”
She lowered the toilet seat, and told me to sit down on it. I did, and she took my pulse while resting a palm on my forehead. Then—
The bathroom suddenly began to shake. There was a sudden ominous creaking and cracking, slowly mounting in volume.
Kay pitched sideways, and her mouth opened to scream. I laughed, grabbed her and pulled her down on my lap.
“It’s all right,” I said, “don’t be afraid. I’ve been through the same thing a dozen times. There’s a lot of shaking and trembling, and some of the damnedest racket you ever heard, but…”
I tightened my grip on her, for the shaking was already pretty violent. And the noise was so bad that I was virtually yelling in her ear.
The house was “settling,” I explained. Something it had done sporadically for decades. The phenomenon was due to aging and exceptionally heavy building materials, and, possibly, to deep subterranean springs which lay beneath the structure. But frightening as it was to anyone unaccustomed to it, there was absolutely no danger. In a few minutes it would be all over.
The few min
utes were actually more than ten. Kay sat with her arms wound around my neck, hanging on so tightly at times that I was almost strangled. It was not a bad way to go, though, if one had to, being hugged to death by a girl who was not only very pretty but also very naked. And I held her nakedness to mine, as enthusiastically as she held mine to hers.
It was so pleasant, in fact, that neither of us was in any hurry to let go even after the noise and the trembling had ceased.
I patted her on the flank, and said she wiggled very good. She whispered naughtily in my ear—something which I shall not repeat—and then she blushed violently. And I even blushed a little myself.
I was trying to think of some suitable, or rather, unsuitable reply, when she let out a startled gasp.
“Oh, my God, Britt”—she pointed a trembling finger. “L-look!”
I looked. And laughed. “It’s all right,” I said, giving her another flank spank. “It always does that.”
“B-but the doorknob turned! It’s still turning.”
“I know. I imagine every other doorknob in the place is doing the same thing. As I understand it, the house undergoes a kind of winding-up during the settling process. Then when the tension is relieved, there’s a general relaxing or unwinding, and you see such things as doors flying open or their knobs turning.”
Kay said, Whew, brushing imaginary perspiration from her brow.
“It scared me to death, Britt! Really!”
“No, it didn’t Kay,” I said. “Really!”
“Well, I sure wouldn’t want to be alone when it happened. You see the knob turn, and—how do you know someone’s not there?”
“Very simply,” I said. “If someone’s there, he just opens the door.”
The door opened, and Sergeant Claggett came in.
He stood frozen in his tracks for a moment, blinking at us incredulously. Then he said, “Excuse me!” retreating across the threshold with a hasty back step.
“Excuse me for not getting up,” I said.
“I want to see you downstairs, Britt!” He spoke with his head turned. “Immediately, understand?”
“Of course,” I said. “Just as soon as I get something in—order.”
“And you, too.” He addressed Kay without looking at her. “I want to see you, too, Officer Nolton!”
23
I suppose I should have seen the truth from the start. Almost any fool would have, I am sure, so that should have qualified me for seeing it. I hadn’t because I am a plain, garden-variety sort of fool, not the devious kind. I am a worshipper at the shrine of laissez faire, a devotee of the status quo. I accept things as they are, for what they are, without proof or documentation. I ask no more than a quid pro quo. And failing to get a fair exchange, I will normally accept the less that is offered. In a word, I am about as un-devious as one can be. And having no talent nor liking for deception, I am easily deceived. As per, the present instance.
Claggett wanted me to have round-the-clock protection. Which is not easily managed by a mere detective sergeant in an undermanned, tightly budgeted police department. He didn’t want me to know that I had such protection, believing that I would inadvertently reveal it where it was best not revealed. So the cop he planted on me was also a nurse, someone whose presence in the house would be taken for granted. And since she was a nurse, he could have her wages paid by PXA’s insurers, thus quieting any objections from the P.D.
Naive as I was I would still ask myself why a nurse would take such a potentially dangerous job. Claggett had provided the answer by making it appear that there was something wrong with her, or that there could be something wrong with her. That not only satisfied my curiosity as to why she was taking the job, but it would also—he hoped—make me wary of her. I would shy away from any personal involvement with her, and she would not be distracted from her duties as a cop.
Well, the deception had worked fine, up to a point. A cop had been planted on me, and I had no idea that she was a cop. Doubts about her good intentions had been planted in my mind, and I did my damnedest to hold her at a distance. Why then had I wound up in bed with her? How could she have been so outrageously derelict in her duty?
Claggett swore savagely that it was too damned much for him.
I said, somewhat uncomfortably, that he seemed to be making too much of a much over the matter. “After all, it’s Friday afternoon, Jeff. Everyone relaxes and lets down a bit on Friday afternoon.”
“Everyone doesn’t have a nut after him,” snapped Claggett. “A screwed-up broad who’s been snatching his scalp by bits and pieces, and just may decide she wants his life along with it!”
“Now, Jeff,” I said. “I’m practically convinced that Manny—”
“Shut up,” Claggett said, and turned coldly to Kay. “I don’t believe you were wearing a gun when I arrived today. What do regulations say about that?”
“I’m sorry, sir. I—”
“You’re a disgrace!” said Claggett, cutting me off again before I was able to say anything effective. “I found the door unlocked, and standing wide open! And you naked and unarmed with the man you were supposedly protecting!”
“Y-yes, sir. I’m thoroughly ashamed, sir, and I swear it won’t happen again!”
“No, it won’t. You’re suspended from duty, as of this moment, and you’ll be up before the disciplinary board just as soon as I can arrange it!”
Kay wasn’t blushing any more. She was apparently fresh out of blushes, and she was very pale as she got to her feet. “Whatever you say, Sergeant. I’ll start getting my things together.”
Claggett brought her back to her chair with a roar. “You, Officer Nolton, will remain in this room until you are told to do otherwise. As for you, Britt”—he gave me a look of weary distaste, “I’ve been trying to help you, and I’ve gone to considerable lengths to do it. Much further than I should have, in fact. Do you think this was the right way to repay me?”
“Of course, I don’t, since you obviously consider it wrong and it’s caused problems for Miss Nolton. I myself don’t feel that it was wrong per se but there’s a variable factor involved. I mean, something is good only so long as it doesn’t make others unhappy.”
“Hmmm,” he said, his blue eyes brooding. “Well! I do feel that you’ve let me down, but that doesn’t excuse Officer Nolton. If—”
“It should. Let’s face it, Jeff,” I said. “I’m quite a bit older than Miss Nolton—also a lot more experienced. And I’m afraid I was persistent with her to a shameful degree. Please don’t blame her, Jeff. It really was all my fault.”
Claggett’s brows went up.
He grimaced, lips pursed, then turned an enigmatic gaze on Kay. “How about it, Nolton? Is that the way it was?”
“Well, I am much younger than—” She broke off, sat very erect and dignified. “I wouldn’t care to say, sir!”
Claggett ran a hand over his mouth. He looked at Kay a moment or two longer, apparently seeing something in her of great interest, then faced back around to me. “You started to say something about Miss Aloe. Anything important?”
“I think so. She was out here to the house today, and she apologized for what she’d done. Implied that she hadn’t been rational or responsible for her actions.”
“And?”
“She promised not to make any more trouble—got pretty emotional about it. I’m convinced that she meant it, Jeff.”
“Well, I’m not,” said Kay; and here came that pretty blush again. “I’m sorry Sergeant. I didn’t mean to butt in, but I’ve observed Miss Aloe very carefully and I thought you’d want my opinion as a police officer.”
“I do,” said Claggett. “In detail, please.”
“She’s just a snippy, snotty little wop, that’s what! I’m sure there are a great many good people of her race, but she’s not one of them.”
Claggett’s interest in her seemed to increase tremendously. He would shift his fascinated gaze away from her; then, as though against his will, it would slowly mov
e back and fasten on her again. Meanwhile, he was saying that he had undergone a complete change of mind, and that she should by all means remain on her present duty.
“Oh, thank you, Sergeant!” She smiled on him brilliantly. “I know you were kind of disappointed about…but it won’t happen again, sir!”
“Ah, well,” said Claggett, easily. “A pretty young girl and a handsome, sophisticated older man—how could I blame you for succumbing? And what’s to blame, anyway? Just don’t forget you’ve got business here, too.”
“Yes, sir! I won’t get caught with my—I’ll remember, sir!”
“Good,” Claggett beamed. “I’m sure you mean that, and it wouldn’t be practical to pull you off the job, anyway. Not with so short a time to go.”
“Uh, sir?”
“I mean, we should know how things stand with Miss Aloe very soon. If she’s going to pull anything, she’ll do it within the next week or so, don’t you think?”
“Well…” Kay hesitated doubtfully. “Why do you say that, sir?”
“Because she’s a very pretty girl, too,” Claggett said, “and pretty girls have a way of being jealous of other pretty girls. If she still cares enough for Mr. Rainstar to be mad at him, she’ll try to stop him having fun with you. And she won’t waste time about it.”
Kay said, “Well, yes, sir. Maybe.” But rather doubtfully. Not exactly sure that she had been complimented.
Claggett said he was glad she agreed with him. And he was glad to be glad, he said, because he was really pretty sad when he thought of her imminent resignation from the police department.
“Just as soon as you’ve finished this assignment. Of course,” he went on, “I realize it’s the smart thing for you to do, a girl who’s shown an aptitude for so many things in such a short span of time. Let’s see. You’ve been a nurse, a secretary, an airline stewardess, a—yes, Officer Nolton?”
“I said, you can have my resignation right now if you want it! And you know what you can do with it, too!”
“Well, sure, sure,” Claggett said heartily. “For that matter, I could have you kicked out on your ass. For stated reasons that would make it hard for you to get a job washing towels in a whorehouse. Well?” He paused. “Do you want me to do that?”