I arrive at home a few hours later. I've successfully gone to the grocery store and picked up the essentials. Then I went and got the oil changed in my car. It has been way too long since my last oil change.
I unload the groceries and decide to do a little reading in bed. Hopefully, this will tire me out for an afternoon nap. I rarely get a day off and I want to make the most of it.
I pull out my latest rental from the library and start reading. After about ten minutes, I realize this distraction isn’t going to work today.
Usually, reading is the easiest way for me to busy my mind. I need my mind occupied. If it isn’t, then I have too much time to think.
These are the moments when I would wonder what I could have done. What if I drove that day? What if we woke up late? What if I didn’t go to my meeting? What if I would have bought the house on the other side of town two years ago, instead of the house I did buy?
Would any of these decisions have changed the outcome? Would he still be alive?
My eyes become heavy and I can feel sleep taking over my body. My mind is fighting with my body to stay awake. It is like my brain wants to continue torturing me with questions.
Deep down I know his death wasn’t my fault, but my heart and brain are not on the same page. I’m not sure if the guilt will ever go away. I know the grief won’t. I feel like a complete failure. He was the one thing I was doing right in my life and in the end… I failed him, too.
My eyes close again and I drift off into a restless sleep.