Sid's dad, Tinker Tucker the old duffer, was a disgusting horrible old man who never did any work. He never had a bath either and was always getting drunk. If Sid was ever late home then his dad would chase him up the stairs with his walking stick and lock him in his bedroom. He was always really horrible to Sid and Sid hated him. After his lunchtime dinner, Tinker Tucker always sat in his armchair drinking bottles of beer and burping and blowing off until he fell asleep. He was the most revolting man in Hod-me-dod-lee.
The day had finally come for Sid's big plan to be put into action. The five friends had all met up at the tree bridge dead on 3 o'clock as Sid had asked. They were all really excited.
'The ol' duffer will be a kip by now.' said Sid. 'Come on, an' don't forget, no talking at all. This is a top secret mission.'
Sid led the kids round to the back of his house and quietly opened the back door. Everyone held their breaths and listened. Tinker Tucker was snoring his head off in the front room. They all tiptoed in behind Sid. Poor Sid. The house was filthy and it didn't half pong. There was rubbish, dirty plates and beer bottles everywhere. Tinker Tucker was fast asleep in his greasy stained armchair. He had thick hair sticking up like a bright ginger broom with a big bushy beard to match. He was stretched full out in his armchair with his ankles crossed. His bare feet were filthy and his horny toenails curled over the ends of his toes like owl’s claws. Across his lap lay a big knobbly walking stick.
(Tinker didn't need a walking stick to help him walk, he just enjoyed chasing Sid with it.)
Everyone knew what to do and held their breath so as not to wake Tinker up. Jenny job was to open the jar of glue and hold it while Sid gave the others a paint brush each. Then Meg and Peg went either side of Tinker’s chair and carefully brushed lots of glue between his trouser legs, from the knees right down to the hems. It must have tickled because suddenly Tinker twitched, coughed and then blew off really loud. All the children froze with their hands over their noses and mouths to stop themselves laughing out loud - and because it really ponged. Tinker fidgeted about in his chair for a few moments and then started snoring again. The children continued with their mission. Billy brushed masses of glue gently onto the top of Tinker's head. His hair was so thick he didn't feel a thing. Sid went behind the chair with Billy and gently pushed his dad forward a bit so Billy could slide a big sheet of glued paper between the chair and his dad's back. Tinker blew off a few more times but he never woke up at all. Then Sid took the stick from Tinker's lap and carefully balanced it across the top of his dad's head. Billy poured the last of the glue on top of it. Then Sid signalled with his hand for the girls to get outside and they all silently tiptoed out.
As the girls ran off down the road Sid locked the back door and Billy locked the front door, both of them from the outside, and then they threw the keys into the bushes. Everyone then ran like crazy, howling with laughter, all the way up to the gypsy camp.
It was the most exciting thing any of them had ever done in their lives and they were whooping and screaming with the thrill of it. Sid's Mum and the other travellers were waiting for him.
'I aint 'arf gonna miss you lot.' said Sid to Billy and the girls. ‘You’re the best mates a man could ever 'ave.'
'We'll miss you too,' said the twins together starting to cry as they hugged Sid.
'I'll never forget you either Sid.' sniffed Jenny.
'Don't forget us will you mate?' said Bill shaking Sid's hand. He really felt like crying too, but he didn't, instead he said 'Don't forget to come back and see us so we can tell you what the ol' duffer does when he wakes up.'
'Cor... I wish I could see it for me self.' said Sid grinning. 'Well, cushty bok yous lot.'
Sid climbed up into the horse drawn caravan next to his Mum while her new husband led them away down the lane and out of Hod-me-dod-lee.
It was a heart-warming sight to watch them go off so happy together. And do you know what the best part was - Sid's new dad looked exactly like Sid - thick black hair and dark brown eyes.
Jenny, Bill and the twins all ran back to the village green and sat on the grass, their eyes fixed on Sid's old house to see what would happen. They had to wait for over an hour, which was good really because it meant the glue had longer to dry. The girls passed the time making daisy chain jewellry for each other while Bill collected enough small stones to write his name on the grass 'BILL BUN WOZ HERE.'
Eventually Bill shouted 'Look Tinker's at the front room window.'
The children stared with open mouths as the front room window flew open and Tinker tried desperately to climb out. But the walking stick glued to the top of his head was wider than the window itself. The four children began rocking with laughter as Tinker yanked the stick up and down and round and round trying to get it through the window frame. The more the walking stick twisted and pulled at his hair the louder he swore and shouted Sid's name.
Quite a crowd of adults began gathering to see what all the commotion was about as more and more children came tearing across the village green to watch the show. Even Mr and Mrs Sealy came out of the post office to see what was happening. Eventually Tinker managed to get his head and the walking stick both outside of the window - but his body was still inside the house. So he started to bounce up and down on the spot. Up and down, up and down like a mad ginger kangaroo he bounced, his face getting redder and redder and eventually turning purple.
'It's like he's hopping in a sack race.' roared the twins.
Tinker had found he couldn't open any of the doors and now he couldn't get his legs out the window either. He was furiously turning blue in the face with temper and the language he yelled at the top of his voice made many who heard him gasp with shock. All the children were laughing and pointing at stinky duffer Tinker, half hanging out of the front room window, screaming Sid's name. Then suddenly, with one mighty effort and a gasp from the crowd, Tinker leapt high into the air and dived out of the window head first into the rose bushes below. All the children screamed and clapped with delight as Tinker lay upside down in the prickly bushes frantically ripping and tearing at his trousers until he got them off completely. The crowd cheered again as horrible old Tinker leapt to his feet, shook his angry fist at the crowd, and ran off through the village in his dirty grey underpants looking for Sid - with the walking still stick glued to top of his head of course. As he ran, a paper sign flapped about on his back. The sign said.
'I'm a stinky old duffer please kick me up the bum A LOT.'
Tinker Tucker never did catch up with Sid or find out where he'd gone. That night he had to shave his head completely bald, it was the only way to remove the stick. Within a few weeks he had left the village and disappeared. No one ever knew where he went, and no one cared either. Everyone was just happy that Sid was now safe with his Mum and wouldn't get any more stickin's from the stinky old duffer.