Was that the secret to having a happy family? A woman who could manage everything?
If that was the case, she was doomed to perpetual failure.
Manage Alex? What a laugh! She could hardly even get her husband to sit down long enough to talk anymore. When he did, they ended up fighting. He had a will of steel. Over the past year, that will had run over hers like a steamroller flattening macadam.
Edie changed the subject. She mentioned a play she’d seen, and Nancy chimed in to agree it was wonderful. Marcia talked about her plans to accompany Tom to a business convention in Detroit. When asked by Nancy, she admitted most of the other men from his company weren’t taking their wives. Smiling, she said Tom had agreed it would be a nice time for them to get away by themselves.
“By yourselves?” Nancy said. “With Tom in meetings most of the day? What are you going to do?”
“I’ll relax and read and have lunch and dinner with Tom. I imagine there’ll be time to take in a museum or two between meetings.”
“Are there museums in Detroit?” Nancy said.
“There’s Henry Ford’s Fair Lane museum,” Marcia said with a bright laugh, but Sierra couldn’t help wondering if her friend’s real reason for going with Tom was to keep him under her ever-watchful eye.
Well, what if it is? she wondered, almost defiantly. Is that such a bad idea in this day of disintegrating and broken marriages?
Poking at her lobster thermidor, Sierra remembered Alex asking her to go with him to the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas last year.
“What about my mother?” she had said.
“What’s CES got to do with your mother?”
“She’s coming down for a visit. You knew that! I told you weeks ago.”
“You knew about CES, too!” He’d sworn in Spanish. “I gave you the dates.”
“You did not!”
“Call your mom and ask her to hold off for a week.”
“She’s supposed to juggle her schedule just to please you?”
“She’s retired. What sort of a schedule has she got to juggle?”
As it turned out, she didn’t go to CES, though she did call her mother and change their plans. Instead of her mother coming south, Sierra drove north with the children and spent eight days in Healdsburg. Her mother had lost weight and looked tired, but otherwise she’d been in good spirits. They’d had long talks while sitting on Memorial Beach watching the children swim in the Russian River. Sierra had returned to North Hollywood remorseful, almost afraid of the greeting she would receive from Alex. Their telephone conversations had been stilted and uneasy while she was in Healdsburg. She apologized and things had been easier between them for a while.
Easier, but not the same.
Audra had mentioned CES just the other evening when she and Alex were all having dinner at Matt and Laura’s house. Steve said several new members of the staff were going along this year. Alex didn’t even look at her as he sipped his wine and said he was looking forward to a trip to Vegas.
Stabbing a piece of lobster, Sierra decided it might be to the best interests of her marriage if she went along this time.
“You wouldn’t be interested,” Alex said that evening when she brought up the subject.
“What makes you so sure?”
“It’s all glitz and meetings, and a lot of people you don’t know. Those you do, you can’t stand.”
“I suppose you mean Audra will be there.”
“Yes, Audra will be there. She supports Steve wholeheartedly.”
She heard what he didn’t say: she didn’t support him. Anger poured through her; it was always just beneath the surface these days. But whose fault was that? Alex was always cutting her down. She wasn’t supportive. She wasn’t a good mother or her children would be getting better grades. She wasn’t doing anything other than spending his money at the club. Whose idea was it to go to the club in the first place?
“I’d like to go with you this year,” she insisted.
He looked at her enigmatically. “You said you hate Vegas.”
What she really hated was the way he remembered every word she ever said just so he could throw it back in her face. Breathing slowly, she clung to her self-restraint. “I’ve never been to Las Vegas, Alex. I’d like to see what it’s like.”
He didn’t say anything. He just looked at her. She wondered why the decision was so hard for him to make. Hadn’t he wanted her to accompany him last year? Didn’t he want her along this time?
“Fine,” he said, gaze flickering away, “but I don’t want the kids coming. These shows are work, not play. You’d better keep that in mind, too. I won’t be able to entertain you.”
Gracious to the last. “I’ll ask Marcia if she would mind having the children spend the weekend at her house.”
“Don’t expect to play tourist,” he said. “We’re going to be attending a lot of business dinners and company parties.”
“Will I need some new clothes?”
“Ask Audra.”
God, dont You listen when peepul pray?
Dont you care? Mama told me You did, but I dont see how with the Terrible Truble we got. I got doubts you are even there.
Sometimes I dont think things cud get worse. Then they do. First James leaving. Then Sally Mae coming here as Matts wife. Then Mama dying, then Papa turning to whiskey. If all that aint bad enuf, Lucas had to leave and take the best horse with him. God, what more you gonna take?
Mama used to say You had control of everything. So what I wud like to ask is why you are giving us all this Sorrow and Grief?
Sally Mae is sick most of the time. She is scared all the time. Nothing makes her happy. She is either crying when Matt is out working or screaming at him when he is not. She says she wants to go home to her grandmama in Fever River. Matt will not tak her and her pa washt his hands of her the day she wed.
Papa works all day and drinks all night til he sleeps. And even with all his work it dont look like it will be a good year.
Weve had no meat in a month and since Lucas stole Papas gun no way of getting any.
Things cant get wurs.
I wuz wrong.
I aint settin hope on god no more. There is no god. There is only hell on earth. Mama is the lucky one. And Sally Mae too now that she is dead. They have no worries. The rest of us have got the wate of what they dun. Mama and her hopes of heaven. And Sally Mae knowing she wuz on her way to hell.
I dont know what I am going to do now with this babee.
Matt burned Papas fields yesterday. He had good reason. Sally Mae told him the babee werent his. She knew she was dying and it made her crazy scared. So she told the awful truth. Do you think you are the father, Matthew? You had to go off to Fever River with Lucas, didnt you? I knew what you wud think of me when you come bak. I wanted to hurt you before you hurt me and I did. O, I did. I wasnt goin to tell you but I can’t die with this sin on my head. I dont want to go to hell. You hear me? Matt said what are you talkin about? And Sally Mae said The babee aint yours. Your father put it in me. Matt called her a liar and she said to go and ask him. So he did.
Papa said he was drunk when she come in to him and lay with him like a wife. He did not know what he was doing. Matt went crazy. He beat Papa until I thot he wud kill him. He nocked me down three times before I cud stop him. And Papa just lay in the dirt bleeding. Matt set the fields afire. I aint seen him since.
Sally Mae was screaming somethin awful. It raised the hair on the bak of my neck. The babee come with the flames. Thar was so much smoke it burned my eyes. The fire did not tuch the house. The wind changed and sent the flames across the fields to the woods and creek. If it had not, Papa, Sally Mae, the babee and me wud all be ded.
The babee come out of her at nightfall, and blood come too. I never seen so much. It soaked through the straw mattress and pooled on the floor underneath. She stopped screaming then. Papa cum inside the house when I called, but he jest stud in the doorway. I kept cryin for him to hel
p me. He said leave that devil child to die with her. He said they cud both go to meet the devil together.
I cud not do it. I can’t let this babee die. His mother was a wanton and his father a drunken fool. Does that mean he has to die for it?
Papa said he will not have Sally Maes devil spawn in his house. I said it was no devil, but his own son. He laid a curse on me. He said I am not his daughter no more. He said if I did not leave the house he wud kill me and the babee with me.
I can hear Papa digging her grave. Thar aint going to be a ceremony or a marker and he is burning all her things and the bed she and Matthew shared.
He ought to be burning with it.
I hav deecided to call the babee Joshua. It is not a famly name like Matthew or Lucas. But why would anybody want to be in this famly? I like the sound of Joshua. I read it in the Bible. Mama wud sing about Joshua blowing his horn and the walls of Jericho came tumbling down.
Maybe Joshua’s crying will make Papa’s walls come tumbling down. And he will let us come back and live in the house before winter hits.
Maybe Joshua is not a good name for this babee. He has not come into this world to bring his famly to the Promused Land. He has stirred up nothing but trouble since the day he was born.
The preecher came today.
He said a lady acros the river wants a babee bad. I told him she shud talk to her husband about that and not send a preecher to me. Preecher said if I give the babee up, Papa might forgive me my sins and let me come back to the house. I asked the preecher what he knew about what happened and he said he knew all he needed to know and I told him he did not know much. He got all puffed up like a toad and turned red. He said an unwed girl with a babee shud not talk to her betters the way I was talking to him and it was no wonder Papa threw me out. He said Papa did rite. He said in the old days I wud hav ben stoned to deth for what I dun. So I did not say nothing else until he left.
Nobody is taking Joshua away from me.
I tried to talk to Papa today but he walked right by me like I was not thar. I followed him out into the blackened fields and begged, but he did not let on he herrd nothing until Joshua started cryin. Then he turned around and looked at me. I never seen such a look on his face. I never seen such a look on nobodys face like that. He said to git away from him or he wud kill us both.
I said winter is coming, Papa. You want us to die?
He said yes.
First snow came today. The goat is going dry. Seems like I did not save this babee from deth at all. Just made him suffer.
The right reverend came again today. He said if I do not send the babee to that lady across the river, Papa is going to send me and the babee to Mamas sister in Fever River with the Reinholtzes, the German family moving out. Preecher says they lost two children to fever a month ago and can not bear to stay another winter. It wud be Christian kindness to give them my babee. I said if they cud have two babees of their own, they could have more, but I was not giving my own blood away to strangers for any reason. He said I was unrepentant and arrogant. When I did not say nuthin he askt if I knew what arrogant meant. I said it is when someone already thinks he knows everything there is to know and dont know nothing at all.
He said I am hell bent. Maybe I am. All I know for certain is the right reverend wud find truth harder to swallow than the lies hes chewing on. The truth would choke him to death.
I aint going to tell him what happened. Better he thinks Joshua is mine than know where he cum from. It is bad enuf God knows without havin the hole county hear of it.
God dont care.
I did not think Aunt Martha wud let me in the door of her fine house. The Reinholtz told me to wait an hour before coming into Fever River. The town is called Galena now after the ore they mine hereabouts. Reinholtz did not want anyone knowin they had anythin to do with a girl who had a babee and no husband and did not even know where she was going. So I did what he askt and waited til nightfall before comin into town. I askt the first person I saw whar Martha Werner lived. The boy tuk me strat here. I almost died when I saw the house. It is so grand and up on a hill street. Two stories of wood and block with steps up one side.
A black woman answered when I nocked. I askt for Martha Werner. She called for Clovis. A black man come runnin and started untying the rope around my wast. I got scared and said I wud not let him take my goat. My baby needs milk or he will die. He said he wud not take him far and he wud see the goat was fed and watered.
Aunt Martha is the prettiest woman I ever seen. She was wearing a yellow dress with white lace. She knew me rite off. She said I look like Mama. She tuk Joshua from me. A good thing she did because I cud not stand no more. It is a long walk from the home place to Fever River or Galena or whatever it is called. Worse when you are eatin wagon dust. I did not want to sit on her furniture in my dirty clothes but the black woman picked me up from where I sunk down and put me on the sofa anyway.
The black womans name is Betsy. She carried me into the kitchen and set me near the stove. Aunt Martha had Joshua. Clovis fetcht water from the town well and Betsy heeted it in big pots. I askt about the goat. He said the goat is fine and eatin supper and went out again for another bucket of water. Betsy tuk off my clothes and put me in the tub. I aint never felt anythin as good as that warm water comin over me. She washed me like a babee wile Aunt Martha washed and played with Joshua. Betsy said stop worrying about that goat. My man Clovis will take good care of her.
When Joshua started in fussin, Betsy went out bak and milked the goat. Aunt Martha sat in a rockin chair near the stov feeding Joshua and singing Mamas song. I cried. I cud not stop. I just sat in the warm water and the tears kept running.
Aunt Martha give me a real bed to sleep in and a room of my own. Joshua slept with me. He aint never ben in a bed before. For that matter, I aint never seen one the likes of it. It is shiny brass like gold with a lacy tent over head. Aunt Martha said it belonged to Mama before she run off with Papa. She said her own Papa ordered it and had it shipped all the way from New York.
I wunder if James ever made it to New York like he wanted. He mit even be in China by now.
Aunt Martha dont ask me a lot of questions. And she dont look at me like most foks do. The Reinholtz were in church today and they wud not look at me at all. On the way home I told Aunt Martha Joshua is Sally Maes son. It is half-true. She cried and kist me. She said she loves me and I can liv with her forever if I want. She said You are not to worry what people say. The truth always comes out in the end.
I hope this truth dont.
Aunt Martha thinks as much of edukashun as Mama did. She says I got a good mind that needs fillin with good things. To that end, she is tutorin me in reding, riting, and numbers and teachin me the Bible. She says that the only way to do well in this life is to know the word of God. Mama knew the Bible front and back and it did not do her much good at all. I did not tell Aunt Martha this. I wud rather eat stones than hurt her feelings. Life does that easy enuf as it is.
Chapter 8
Sierra wandered down the crowded aisles of the Consumer Electronics Show by herself. The convention center was a beehive of activity. It reminded her of the state fair with its carnival atmosphere, but here few people were over the age of thirty and everyone dressed in suits.
Big booths lined both sides of the carpeted aisle. Videos of new games were going. Neon and vibrant-colored cartoonlike artwork was everywhere. It was dizzying to the eye and ear. She saw a short man wearing funky clothes and glitter-framed glasses talking with several taller men in suits. She could tell by the deference paid him that he was somebody important in the industry.
Sometimes she could tell who was important, sometimes not. Alex had introduced her to a man at a party the night before. He’d looked ordinary enough until he’d left them; then Alex informed her the man’s company had built a two-million-dollar studio in his home just so he could work on sound for games.
Someone bumped her, glanced at her badge, mumbled an apology, and m
oved on. Everyone looked at badges. Alex could sniff out sales reps and reporters like a hound in the hunt. Not that he had to work very hard at it. Reporters from all the gaming magazines were fighting to make appointments with him.
Lost in the maze of booths and people, Sierra tried to get her bearings and figure out how to get back to the Beyond Tomorrow booth. It was almost five o’clock and Alex had told her to meet him there. They needed to go up to their room and change for a business dinner. The Beyond Tomorrow booth was near the center with huge screens displaying Alex’s new game: Camouflage.
Everywhere she turned, she heard technical jargon; she didn’t have the foggiest idea what anyone was talking about.
Over dinner, she had listened to Alex talk about his work and his new game. He exuded confidence as he answered questions and explained his theories and plans. He held his guests’ rapt attention, fanning their interest. This was a side of her husband she’d never witnessed before. She was proud of him, of his obvious achievements and his ability to sway others. Yet she had felt set apart as well—like some kind of nice-looking but totally unnecessary adornment. After the introductions and pleasantries, she sat listening. The conversation went on around her, but hardly a word was directed her way.
“Do you play your husband’s game, Sierra?” one of the young men asked her as their dinners were being served.
“No. I’m not much for video games. They’re too quick and complex for me.”
Alex laughed. “Sierra prefers physical pursuits, like tennis at the country club, manicures, and shopping.”
The other men laughed with him. She laughed, too, pretending to share the joke while doing all she could to conceal the surprise and hurt she felt at his remark. He said it lightly, as though affectionately amused. Yet she felt belittled.
Was that how he saw her? As a shallow young woman with nothing important to do?
The thought had plagued her all night and most of the day.
God, I don’t even know who I am anymore.