James came today. I introduced him to Aunt Martha. He stayed for a full hour talking about home and Matthew and Mama and Papa. He asked so many questions. I could not answer many. I gave him the facts. Mama died of consumption. Papa still grieves. Sally Mae and Matthew married. Sally Mae died in childbirth and Matthew went away. I have not seen my brother since. James did not ask a single question about how I came to have Joshua. I wonder what he thinks about that.
Aunt Martha was very quiet when James left. I asked her if something was wrong. She said I must be careful where James is concerned. I did not ask why. I know.
A mere look from James touches something deep inside me. When he is close, my heart pounds and I can scarse draw breath. Thomas Atwood Houghton loves me and I feel nothing at all.
I am in a terrible quandary. I dont know what to do.
This morning, I was feeling so restless. Perhaps it was a portent of what was going to happen. Joshua was fussing and Aunt Martha needed rest. So I took him out for a walk. Everything is in bloom. I think the scent of spring went straight to my head. I walked far from the road and let Joshua play in a small meadow.
James followed me. I thought I imagined him at first standing at the edge of the wood, watching me. He has been so much in my thoughts of late. I cannot get him out of my head no matter how much I try. I try to think about Thomas and our approaching wedding, but my heart betrays me and it is James who comes to mind. But James was not conjured by my imagination. He was real. All too real, as it turned out.
James came to me, and while Joshua played, sat with me in the soft grass amidst the flowers. He spoke of casual things at first. I did not stop to think why he came upon me as he did. I was so pleased to see him. Pleased and afraid. My stomach was trembling and my heart pounded so hard. I asked him about his travels to New York and the Carolinas and England. I delighted in his voice and the look in his eyes as he talked. It made me sad in part, too. I kept wondering how long it would be before he left again, breaking my heart as he did before.
James took my hand.
I said it was not proper for him to do so. He said he did not care what was proper. He said I could not marry Thomas Atwood Houghton. He will never make you happy, he said. I told him Thomas was a good and kind man. James said that may be, Mary Kathryn, but you are not in love with him. I said love will come in time. James said it took us no time at all. I knew I should leave right then, but instead, I said I did not know what he meant. He told me not to lie. He said we both knew the moment we saw each other in the mercantile. He said Thomas knew it too. I said I did not know what he was talking about and he said he would show me.
James kissed me. It was not a kiss like Thomas gave me. It was not chaste or gentle. James shook me so badly inside I could only think to get away before I was consumed by the fire he set inside me. I pushed him away and got up. I told him he could not court me like Sally Mae Grayson.
I ran to fetch Joshua, but James caught up with me. He said he never wanted to marry Sally Mae and it was an awful pity Matthew did. I told him to let go of me. He said he would hold onto me as long as he lived. You belong to me, Mary Kathryn McMurray. You have since you were a child and well you know it. I told him he was a bad bargain. And he said not as bad a bargain as it would be if you marry a man you do not love. I shud of run then. But I didn’t and he kissed me again. When I could get my breath back, I told him to leave Galena. He said he would leave when I was ready to go with him and not before. I said he was crazy. He laughed and said he was. Crazy in love.
And now, here I sit in the quiet of my room, trying to think of a way out of this mess I am in.
Aunt Martha has been weeping all afternoon. Thomas came to call this morning and I told him I could not marry him. I told him why. He said he would give me time to come to my senses. I said I should have stuck with my senses in the first place and never agreed to marry him. I told him I never intended to hurt or anger him. I admire and respect him as a dear friend. I said I did not love him. He said it was not love I was feeling for James Farr. He said I should marry him and put away childish fantasies and passions. He said he would leave me alone to think about what I will be giving up.
I feel guilty for breaking my word to him. It would be worse if I married him and broke my heart and his and James in the bargain. But Thomas does not see things the way I do.
I went down on my knees before Aunt Martha and tried to explain. She said she knew very well what had happened. She said you are your mother’s daughter, Mary Kathryn. She said some men are like strong wine that go straight to a girl’s head and then they spend the rest of their lives paying for the pleasure. If you do this thing, Mary Kathryn, your life will be a trial. James will take you into the wilderness. She said she had hoped and prayed for better to happen to me than happened to my mother.
James and I have been married for seventy-three days, nine hours, and fifteen minutes and I have not suffered one bit! He has made me so happy I have had no time to write. I have delighted in every minute with James.
We almost did not get married at all. It was Aunt Martha who insisted pastor perform the ceremony. He did not want to do it, but Aunt Martha said I must be joined to James before the Lord and if pastor refused, it would be on his head when we went off and lived in sin together. So he did the ceremony short as he knew how.
Aunt Martha, Betsy, and Clovis stood up with us. No one else came. I am a pariah once again, but I do not care. We are living in a small cabin on the edge of town near the mill and I see little of people anyway. James said we will go live in Chicago as soon as he has enough money to get us there.
This rented cabin is just fine. James makes me happy. When he holds me, I forget everything but how much I love him. I dont care what they all say.
James has taken work at the sawmill. He leaves early in the morning and does not come home until sunset.
There is little to do in this small cabin and only Joshua to keep me company. I spend most of the day thinking about James and waiting for him to come home. I have started a little garden.
James brought Aunt Martha. He is worried about me because I have been sick so much of late. Aunt Martha made me chamomile tea and we talked for a long time about many things. She asked me Questions. Some of them surprised me they were so personal. She kissed me like Mama used to and said I was not to worry. Everything is fine, she said. She called for James. When he came in, Aunt Martha told us what was wrong with me.
I am going to have a baby this winter.
Or die trying.
I am afraid. I never been so afraid before. Not when Mama died. Not even when Papa kicked me out of the house with winter coming. I was not this afraid when I tended Sally Mae during her last hours on this earth. But then what happened to her wasn’t happening to me. Now I wonder if it will.
Sally Mae was a fine one for letting her passions rule her and so it appears am I. James knows how to make me happy. He said that is the way it is supposed to be between a man and wife. He said it says so in the Bible. I asked him where. He could not show me but swears its true. I do not dare ask pastor. He thinks I am a Jezebel and treats me so. I will go to hell if he has anything to say about it and he talks to God all the time.
I cannot tell James about my fears. James knows something is wrong but he will only worry. I learned early worry changes nothing.
I spoke with Aunt Martha yesterday. I could not tell her either I was so ashamed. She agreed to take Joshua when my time comes. She said she would keep him until I was settled with my new baby. I know now even Aunt Martha thinks Joshua is mine. She mustve thot I wuz lying when I told her Sally Mae had him. I cried. I could not help it. She asked me why but I would not say. It hurts when people think the worst of you. I told her if I die I want Joshua to stay with her forever. She said I am strong and healthy and should have no problems. It was on my tongue to tell her Sally Mae was strong and healthy, too. Aunt Martha says I must trust the Lord. She said God loves you, Mary Kathryn Farr.
; I have no reason to trust God and little proof he loves me. I could not tell Aunt Martha that. She is so convinced and she would ask Questions. Even if I told her the whole truth, she probably would not believe it. She would probably think I was lying about the trouble like she thinks I lied about Joshua. Sometimes I have difficulty when I think on the matter. When I think of Papa, I remember the way he used to be when Mama was alive.
I wrote a letter to Thomas Atwood Houghton and asked him to forgive me. Maybe my mind will be at rest if he does. Right now, I feel all manner of demons coming to rest upon my head.
It has been a month and Thomas has not responded to my letter. I went into Galena yesterday with James. I asked him to take me to church with Aunt Martha. So he did.
Only pastor spoke to us. Briefly. About the weather.
I reckon God feels the same.
The leaves are turning red and yellow. Joshua is my comfort all day while James is gone.
Aunt Martha came yesterday to visit. I did not feel up to talking much.
Aunt Martha came back this morning. She brought books with her. She said just because I am married does not mean I must let my mind go to waste. I am glad of her company. While I study and write lessons, she plays with Joshua.
Henry James Farr was born at sunup on December 11. He entered the world with a strong pair of lungs.
James fainted dead away before his son was born. He lay on the cabin floor, no use to me at all. I washed Henry and wrapped him in the cotton blanket. More came from me. It seemed it would not stop. I have never been so weak. By the time I washed myself, changed my nightgown, I had barely the strength to crawl back into bed. I fell asleep with my son. When I woke up next day, James was in bed with us, his arm around us both.
Joshua came home today. I have missed him terribly. He is my child. It dont matter how I came to have him. He may look like his father and mother, but that dont mean he will be like them. Henry is a week old and a fine, strong baby. Joshua tries to crawl into my lap when I nurse him.
I am joyful tonight. James is asleep on our bed. Our son is sleeping soundly in the cradle near the fire. Joshua is sleeping beside it bundled in his blankets. He scorns his bed because he wants to be close to his baby brother. Sometimes I think Joshua guards him the way Matthew guarded me. Everything is so peaceful. Especially me.
Aunt Martha brought me a package today labelled Master Henry James Farr care of Martha Werner. In it was a beautiful silver spoon and small cup. And this note.
My dearest Mary Kathryn, May God always bless you and your family. Always your friend, Tom.
I wept when I read it.
My heart is full to overflowing.
Henry James turned four months old today. He will have a sister or brother come late fall. James is pleased. Aunt Martha is mortified. She turned dark pink when I told her. She said it is too soon. What of your health? And think what people will say. I said I was stronger than most and she could tell everyone it must be God’s will James and I be fruitful and multiply.
The truth is I have few pleasures in this world and no wish to shun James embrace. I told him what Aunt Martha said. He laughed. I said it was not funny. He said she is innocent and modest. As to the rest, they are jealous. He said everyone will get used to us having a baby every year and think nothing of it.
Martha Elizabeth was born midday November 20. She is healthy and beautiful. Aunt Martha was here at her coming into the world. She was first to hold her.
James says Beth has my blue eyes and red hair. Little Hank had blue eyes too when he was born. Now they are dark brown. His blond hair all fell out when he was barely a month old. I was afraid he would be bald. Then it all grew back in black as Papas.
Betsy came to the cabin today. She said I look tuckered out. I felt better for her visit. A good talk can bolster spirits and renew strength. It gets lonely when the only people you have to talk to all day are a five year old boy and two babies. I love them dearly but they have not the makings yet for Stimulating Conversation. And Aunt Martha is often too occupied with Good Works to spend much time with me. When she does come, it is little Hank and Beth who have her attention. Betsy was like a breath of spring air even though she bossed me the whole hour she stayed.
I know I should not complain. Aunt Martha is ever kind to me and mine. I remind myself that I am more Fortunate than some.
I love James.
He loves me.
I have three beautiful children.
I am healthy.
I have a roof over my head with only a few leaks.
I have food on the table.
Yet there are times when I feel something is lacking. I despair. I yearn. I cannot put my finger on what I yearn for or why. It is just an ache inside that wont go away.
Maybe I am just tired. I weary of washing diapers. I think about the African women I read about in a book Aunt Martha brought me. They let their children grow up naked. Maybe their way is better. Seems to me it would save time better spent on other things.
Chapter 10
Arlene Whiting buzzed Sierra at her desk. “You have a call on line one. Michael Clanton?”
“My brother,” she said in surprise and punched the button. Mike never called. He wasn’t at ease on the telephone and left it to Melissa, his wife, to keep in touch. “How’s everything down there in la-la land?” Melissa would always say and make her laugh.
Nothing short of an emergency would get him to lift a receiver to his ear. “What’s wrong, Mike?”
“Mom’s sick.”
“Sick?” she said, alarmed.
“She’s got cancer.”
Sierra couldn’t believe it. “She can’t have cancer. I just saw her a few months ago.” She had noticed at Christmas her mother had looked thin. She’d even asked about it. “She’s lost some weight, but she said she was fine.”
“She didn’t want you to know.”
Sierra clutched the phone more tightly. “You’re sure?”
“She’s known for quite a while,” her brother said quietly. “She’s just kept it to herself until recently.”
“What do you mean she’s known? When did she find out?”
Her brother was silent for a moment. “She was diagnosed with breast cancer just before you and Alex moved south.”
“What?” Sierra felt her blood chilling with shock. “That was two years ago, Mike.” In a blinding flash she remembered hints that something was wrong. She had wondered why her mother was so intent upon going through all the things in the attic. What was it she had said? She didn’t want to leave the chaos to her and Mike. Oh, God. Sierra’s eyes filled with hot tears. “Why didn’t she say something?”
“You know how Mom is, Sierra. She doesn’t want anyone worrying about her.”
“What’s being done for her?”
“She had a lumpectomy when the doctor first diagnosed her. They found out in the tests afterward that the cancer had already metastasized into her bones.”
“Oh no,” Sierra murmured. “And she didn’t tell you?”
“She didn’t tell anyone until a few days ago.”
Alarm filled her. “What happened a few days ago?”
“Her right leg hurt so much she couldn’t drive. She called Brady and asked if he could take her into the doctor’s office.” He was quiet for a few seconds. “They did another MRI. It looks bad.”
Sierra closed her eyes, panic bubbling inside her. Her mother was her rock of strength. She couldn’t lose her! She was only sixty-five. They’d always laughed and talked about how they’d celebrate her hundredth birthday when it came. “Is she going to have chemotherapy?”
“No.”
“What do you mean no?”
“She said she didn’t want it.”
“But—”
“It wouldn’t do any good at this point, Sierra.”
“They have to do something. What about radiation? Couldn’t they do that?”
“It’d already metastasized into her bones when she was dia
gnosed. It’s spread to her liver.”
Sierra lowered her head and covered her mouth for a moment until she could get control of her emotions.
Mike didn’t say anything for a minute. “She’s undergoing palliative treatments,” he said hoarsely.
“What’s that?”
“They’re giving her radiation to ease the pain in her right leg.”
Tears ran down Sierra’s cheeks. She swallowed, trying to keep her voice steady. “Is she in a lot of pain, Mike?”
“Not that she talks about,” he said with difficulty. “You know Mom.” He was quiet for a minute. “I think she’s been on pain medication for months. Melissa was putting dishes away in the cabinet the other day and found the prescription bottle tucked in the corner.” He cursed softly, and she knew he was crying. “I’ll call you back in a few minutes.” He hung up abruptly.
Sierra put the receiver in its cradle and covered her face. She tried to fight down the rush of emotions: grief, fear, the desire to get in her car and start driving north right this instant. She was shaking and felt cold.
“Bad news?” Ron said, standing in the doorway that joined his large office to her smaller one.
“Yes,” she said without looking up. She was afraid if she said anything more, she’d break down.
Her intercom buzzed. She snatched up the telephone and punched the line-one button. “Mike?”
“Sorry,” he said hoarsely.
“It’s okay,” she said, clutching the phone tightly, keeping her other hand up to shield her face from Ron’s perusal. Her throat was so hot and tight, she could hardly breathe. “How long do we have?”
“A month. Probably less.”
She swallowed convulsively. Her vision blurred with tears as she stared at the calendar. If that was true, her mother wouldn’t even make it to her sixty-sixth birthday. Her chest ached with the weight of fear. “Is she at home?”