"I must go," he said abruptly, and stood up, brushing crumbs from his shirt ruffle. "It's very late."
"Must you go?" Stephan sounded surprised, but rose, too.
"I--yes. Stephan--I'm so glad we met this evening," he said on impulse, and held out a hand.
Stephan took it, but rather than shake it, drew him close, and the taste of oranges was suddenly in his mouth.
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" he asked at last, not sure whether he wanted to hear the answer but needing to hear Stephan speak.
To his relief, Stephan smiled, his eyes still closed, and drew his large, warm fingers gently down the slope of Grey's shoulder and over the curve of his forearm, where they curled round his wrist.
"I am wondering what is the risk that I will die before St. Catherine's Day."
"What? Why? And when is St. Catherine's Day?"
"In three weeks. That is when Father Gehring returns from Salzburg."
"Oh, yes?"
Stephan let go of his wrist and opened his eyes.
"If I go back to Hanover and confess this to Father Fenstermacher, I will probably have to hear Mass every day for a year or undertake a pilgrimage to Trier. Father Gehring is somewhat ... less exacting."
"I see. And if you die before making your confession--"
"I will go to hell, of course," Stephan said matter-of-factly. "But I think it is worth the risk. It's a long walk to Trier." He coughed and cleared his throat.
"That--what you did. To me." He wouldn't meet Grey's eye, and a deep color rose across his broad cheekbones.
"I did a lot of things to you, Stephan." Grey struggled to keep the laughter out of his voice, but without much success. "Which one? This one?" He leaned forward on his elbow and kissed von Namtzen's mouth, enjoying the little start von Namtzen gave at the touch of his lips.
Stephan kissed men frequently, in that exuberant German way of his. But he didn't kiss them this way.
To feel the strength of those broad shoulders rise under his palm, then feel them give way, the powerful flesh melting slowly as Stephan's mouth softened, yielding to him ...
"Better than your hundred-year-old brandy," Grey whispered.
Stephan sighed deeply. "I want to give you pleasure," he said simply, meeting Grey's eyes for the first time. "What would you like?"
Grey was speechless. Not so much at the declaration, moving as it was--but at the multitude of images that one sentence conjured. What would he like?
"Everything, Stephan," he said, his voice husky. "Anything. It--I mean--to touch you--just to watch you gives me pleasure."
Stephan's mouth curled up at that.
"You can watch," he assured Grey. "You will let me touch you, though?"
Grey nodded. "Oh, yes," he said.
"Good. What I wish to know, though--how best?" He reached out and took hold of Grey's half-hard prick, inspecting it critically.
"How?" Grey croaked. All the blood had left his head, very suddenly.
"Ja. Shall I put my mouth upon this? I am not sure what to do then, you see, how this is done correctly. I see there is some skill in this, which I do not have. And you are not quite ready yet, I think?"
Grey opened his mouth to observe that this condition was rapidly adjusting itself, but Stephan went on, squeezing gently.
"It is more straightforward if I put my member into your bottom and use you in that fashion. I am ready, and I am confident I can do that; it is much like what I do with my--with women."
"I--yes, I'm sure you can," Grey said rather faintly.
"But I think if I do that, I might hurt you." Stephan let go of Grey's prick and took hold of his own, frowning at the comparison. "It hurt, at first, when you did this to me. Not later--I liked it very much," he assured Grey hastily. "But at first. And I am ... somewhat large."
Grey's mouth was so dry that it was an effort to speak. "Some ... what," he managed. He glanced at Stephan's prick, freshly erect, then away. Then, slowly, back again, eyes drawn like iron to a magnet.
It would hurt. A lot. At least ... at first ...
He swallowed audibly. "If ... I mean ... if you ..."
"I will do it very slowly, ja." Stephan smiled, sudden as the sun coming from behind clouds, and reached for the large cushion they had used earlier. He threw it down and patted it. "Come then, and bend over. I will oil you."
He had taken Stephan from behind, thinking that Stephan would be less self-conscious that way, he himself loving the sight of the broad, smooth back beneath him, the powerful waist and muscular buttocks, surrendered so completely to him. He felt his own clench a little at the memory.
"Not--that way." He pushed the cushion back against the headboard and scrambled up, bracing his shoulders securely against it. "You said I could watch." And the position would give him some control--and at least a chance to avoid serious injury, should Stephan's enthusiasm outrun his caution.
Are you insane? he asked himself, wiping sweating palms against the counterpane. You haven't got to do this, you know. You don't even like to ... God, you'll feel it for a week, even if he doesn't ...
"Oh, Jesus!"
Stephan paused, surprised, in the act of pouring oil into the dish. "I have not even begun. You are all right?" A small frown drew his brows together. "You have ... done this before?"
"Yes. Yes, I ... I'm fine. I ... just ... anticipation."
Stephan leaned forward, very gently, and kissed him. He learned quickly, Stephan did. When he drew back after some time, he looked at Grey's body, visibly trembling despite his efforts to control it, and shook his head, smiling a little. Then he clicked his tongue softly and passed his hand over Grey's hair, once, twice, stroking him. Gentling him.
It was true that Stephan had limited experience, no artifice, and not much natural skill. But Grey had forgotten that Stephan was a horseman, and a breeder and trainer of dogs. He didn't need words to understand what an animal--or a person--was feeling. And he knew what "slowly" meant.
10
Punch and Judy
Next day
JAMIE'S CHEST FELT AS THOUGH HE'D A LEATHER STRAP around it. He hadn't drawn a proper breath since the soldiers had taken him from Helwater, but just this moment he could barely remember how lungs were meant to work. It was a conscious effort to draw breath, and he counted--one, two, in, out, one, two--as he walked. He had a sudden flash of memory, Claire's face, intent, as she knelt by a wee lad--was it Rabbie? aye, Rabbie MacNab--who'd fallen from the hayloft at Lallybroch.
She'd spoken to the lad, calm, one hand on his belly and the other feeling quickly down his limbs for broken bones. "Relax; your breath will come back. Yes, you see? Breathe slowly now, push out as much as you can.... Yes, now in ... one ... two. In ... out ..."
He caught the rhythm of it from the memory of her voice, and within a few steps he was breathing easier, though the back of his neck was wet with cold sweat and gooseflesh still rippled over his shoulders. What was the matter with him?
The duke had summoned him, and he'd walked into the drawing room and found himself face-to-face with Colonel Quarry, looking just as he had when last seen, as the governor of Ardsmuir prison. Whereupon he'd turned on his heel and walked straight out again, through the front door and into the park, his heart hammering and his face going hot and cold and hot again.
He wiped sweating palms on his breeks and felt the slight roughness of a patch. Someone had taken away his clothes in the night, laundered and mended them.
He wasn't afraid of Quarry; he never had been. But one keek at the man and he'd felt his wame clench and spots dance before his eyes and he'd known it was get out right then or measure his length on the hearth rug at Quarry's feet.
There were trees dotted here and there; he found one and sat down on the grass, leaning back against its trunk. His hands still trembled, but he felt better with something solid at his back. He didn't want to but couldn't keep from rubbing his wrists, first one and then the other, as if to assure himself of what he knew fine--that the f
etters were gone.
One of the footmen from Argus House had followed him; he recognized the dark-gray livery. The man hung back, just within the edge of the park, trying to pretend he was watching the carriages and riders that went past on the road that skirted the park. He'd done the same thing the evening before, when Jamie had come out to walk off his anger at the duke.
He hadn't troubled Jamie then and obviously didn't mean to drag him back to the house now; he'd only been sent to watch. It occurred to Jamie to wonder what yon footman would do, should he stand up and run. He had a momentary urge to do just that, and did in fact stand up. He should have run, too, because no sooner had he got to his feet than Tobias Quinn came slithering out of a bush like a toad.
"Well, and there's luck for ye," Quinn remarked, looking pleased. "I thought I should have to lurk about for days, and here Himself walks straight up to me, and me not at the watching for more than half a day!"
"Dinna bloody call me Himself," Jamie said irritably. "What the devil are ye doing here? And why are ye hiding in a bush wearing that?"
Quinn lifted a brow and dusted the yellow of spring catkins fastidiously from the sleeve of his checkered coat. It was pink and black silk, and everyone who passed within twenty yards stared at it.
"Not the greeting one might expect of a friend," he said, reproving. "And I wasn't hiding, not in the least. I was just comin' across the park when I saw ye come out, and I sidled round the bush as being quickest, since I perceived ye were about to fly and I'd have no chance of catching ye if ye did, you with the legs of a veritable stallion, so ye have. As for me plumage"--here he spread his arms and revolved, the skirts of his coat flaring out--"is it not the fine thing of the world?"
"Go away," Jamie said, repressing an urge to shove Quinn back into the bush. He turned and began to walk away. The Irishman came along.
Jamie glanced over his shoulder, but the footman was still turned away, absorbed in an entertainingly profane argument between the drivers of two carriages whose wheels had clashed and locked together as they passed each other too closely.
"The splendid thing about this coat," Quinn said chattily, pulling it off, "is that ye can wear it both ways. Inside out, like, I mean. Should ye want to avoid notice for some reason." He shook the garment, showing off the inner lining, which was a fine wool, seamed smooth and sober black. He reassumed the coat, pulled off his wig, and rubbed a hand through his poll of short curls, making them stand on end. He might have been a lawyer's clerk now, or a Quaker of moderate means.
Jamie didn't know whether it was only the man's love of the dramatic or whether there was some need of such hasty disguise. He didn't want to know.
"I've told ye," he said, struggling for civility. "I'm no the man for your job."
"Why, because of this small little complication?" Quinn waved a hand carelessly toward the bulk of Argus House, looming gray through the scrim of trees. "It's nothing, sure. I'll have ye in Ireland by the end of next week."
"What?" Jamie stared at him, uncomprehending.
"Well, you'll not want to linger in such company as that, will ye?" Quinn half-turned his head toward Argus House. He turned back, passing a critical eye over Jamie's worn clothes.
"Aye, thus, very well thus. We've to move briskly for a bit, but once into the Rookery, no one would glance twice at you. Ah ... perhaps twice," he amended, squinting up at Jamie's height. "But not three times, surely."
It occurred belatedly to Jamie that Quinn was suggesting that they abscond. Right now.
"I canna do that!"
Quinn looked surprised.
"Why not?"
Jamie's mouth opened but without the slightest notion what might come out.
"We wouldna make it to the edge of the park, for one thing. See yon fellow in the gray? He's watching me."
Quinn squinted in the direction indicated. "He's not watchin' ye just this minute," he pointed out. He took Jamie by the hand, pulling. "Come on, then. Walk fast!"
"No!" He jerked loose and cast a wild glance at the footman, willing the man to turn round. He didn't, and Jamie turned back to Quinn, speaking firm again.
"I've told ye once, and I'll say it again. I'll have nothing to do wi' any such crack-brained notion. The Cause is dead, and I've no intent to follow it into the grave. Aye?"
Quinn affected not to have heard this, instead looking thoughtfully at Argus House.
"That's the Duke of Pardloe's house, they say," he remarked, scratching his head. "Why did the sojers bring ye here, I wonder?"
"I dinna ken. They didna tell me." This had the virtue of being half true, and he had no compunction about lying to the Irishman in any case.
"Hmm. Well, I'll tell ye, sir, was it me in the hands of the English, I'd not wait to find out."
Jamie had no wish to see Quinn in English hands, either, annoying as the man was.
"Ye should go, Quinn," he said. "It's dangerous."
"Odd, is it not?" Quinn said meditatively, as usual taking no heed. "On the one hand, they snatch ye from Helwater under armed guard and take ye to London without a word. On the other ... they let ye wander about outside? Even with a watcher, that seems unusually trusting. Does it not strike ye that way?"
Why would the bloody footman not turn round?
"I've no idea," he said, unwilling to stand about discussing Pardloe and that gentleman's very individual convictions as to honor. For lack of anything to add to that, he walked away down the nearest path, pursued by the Irishman. At least if the footman ever did turn round, he'd see Jamie gone and start looking for him. At this point, any interruption whatever would be welcome, even if it meant being dragged back in chains.
That casual thought flickered through his mind like sheet lightning, illuminating dark corners. Chains. A dream of chains.
He was paying no attention, either to where he went or to what Quinn was saying, yammering at his side. There was a crowd ahead; he made for it. Surely even Quinn, talkative as a parrot, wouldn't be scheming out loud in the midst of a crowd. He had to shut the man up long enough to figure how to get rid of him.
The dreams. He'd pushed the thought from his mind the instant he saw it. It pushed back, though, strong. That was it. The dreams that took him back to dreadful places, the ones he only half-remembered. He'd had one last night. That was why seeing Quarry suddenly, without warning, had made him like to faint.
Chains, he thought, and knew that if he lingered on that thought for more than an instant, he'd find himself in the dream again, sweating and ill, crouched against a stone wall, unable to lift his hand to wipe the vomit from his beard, the fetters too heavy, the metal hot from his fever, inescapable, eternal captivity ...
"No," he said fiercely, and turned abruptly off the path, coming to a halt in front of a puppet show, surrounded by people, all calling out and laughing. Noise. Color. Anything to fill his senses, to keep the clank of chains at bay.
Quinn was still talking, but Jamie ignored him, affecting to watch the play before them. He'd seen things like this in Paris, often. Wee puppets posturing and squeaking. These were long-nosed, ugly ones, shouting in shrill insult and hitting one another with sticks.
He was breathing easier now, dizziness and fear leaving him as the sheer ordinariness of the day closed round him like warm water. Punchinello--that was the man-puppet's name--and his wife was Judy. She had a stick, Judy did, and tried to strike Punch on the head with it, but he seized the stick. She whipped it up, and Punch, clinging to it, sailed across the tiny stage with a long drawn-out "Shiiiiiit!" to crash against the wall. The crowd shrieked with delight.
Willie would like it, and at thought of the boy he felt at once much better and much worse.
He could get rid of Quinn without much trouble; the man couldn't force him to go to Inchcleraun, after all. The Duke of Pardloe was another matter. He could force Jamie to go to Ireland, but at least that venture didn't involve risking his neck or the possibility of lifelong imprisonment. He could do it, finish the job
as quickly as possible, and then go back. To Helwater and Willie.
He missed the boy with a sudden pang, wishing he had Willie perched on his shoulders now, grabbing at his ears and giggling at the puppets. Would Willie remember him if he was gone for months?
Well, he'd just have to find Siverly fast. Because he was going back to Helwater.
He could feel the child's imagined weight on his shoulders, warm and heavy, smelling faintly of wee and strawberry jam. There were some chains you wore because you wanted to.
"WHERE THE BLOODY HELL have you been?" Hal demanded without preamble. "And what in God's name happened to you?" His eye roamed over Grey's clothes, retrieved from the Beefsteak. The club's steward had done his best, but the overall effect was shrunken, stained, faded, and generally far from fashionable.
"Not that it's any of your business, but I got soaked in the rain and stopped the night with a friend," Grey replied equably. He felt cheerful. Relaxed and solidly at peace. Not even Hal's bad temper or the imminent prospect of meeting Jamie Fraser could disturb him. "And where is our guest?"
Hal drew in a long, exasperated breath.
"He's sitting under a tree in the park."
"What on earth for?"
"I haven't the slightest idea. Harry Quarry came for tea--I was expecting you to be here, by the way"--Hal gave him an eyeball, which he ignored--"and when Fraser came in, he took one look at Harry and walked straight out of the house without a by-your-leave. I only know where he is because I'd told one of the footmen to follow him if he went out."
"He'll like that, I'm sure," Grey said. "For God's sake, Hal. Harry was governor at Ardsmuir before me; surely you knew that?"
Hal looked irritably blank. "Possibly. So?"
"He put Fraser in irons. For eighteen months--and left him that way when he came back to London."
"Oh." Hal considered that, frowning. "I see. How was I meant to know that, for heaven's sake?"
"Well, you would have," Grey replied crushingly, "if you'd had the common sense to tell me what the devil you were doing, rather than--oh, hallo, Harry. Didn't know you were still here."
"So I gathered. Where did Fraser go?"
Harry looked rather grim, Grey saw. And he was in full uniform. No bloody wonder Fraser had left; he'd likely seen Harry's presence as a calculated insult, an attempt to further impress his own helplessness upon him.