Unable to speak, she merely nodded, all the while thinking, It’s too late for some things.
Over the next hour, Emma was silent as the grave. Sebastian had fallen asleep after their talk and now had a pathetic grin plastered on his face as he most likely dreamed of women and horses and, well, whatever men of his position dreamed about.
Bored, she decided to get a closer look at his angelic face. She carefully leaned closer to his side of the carriage and watched the slow relaxed intake of breath.
Smooth, his skin was so smooth. What use does a man have for such kissable skin? Better God bless a woman with polished skin than waste it on a man. Though looking at him was most definitely not a waste. Dark eyelashes, nearly longer than her own, rested against his high cheeks. Scowling, she leaned in closer. Would it be too much to ask for the man to have a flaw? Thinning hair? Possibly a gambling problem? Or better yet, a drinking problem? Yes, that would make him much more real.
Just then Sebastian shifted, scaring Emma nearly out of her wits as she tumbled back to her seat and crossed her arms, careful not to breathe too loudly lest she wake up Sebastian. The only thing she knew how to be was herself, which was entirely inappropriate, given the circumstances.
She wanted to dance, she wanted to gallop, and blast it but she wanted just for once to feel what it would be like to be desired by a man. She was already ruined, might as well do it thoroughly. Pretending to be in love with Sebastian would be the easy part.
Seducing him? There was the rub.
Maybe she should practice enticing smiles? Hadn’t she overheard some of Rawlings’ friends and him included that her smile could cause a nun to swear? And hadn’t that same smile been the one that had brought her so much trouble? Or was it the dancing? Or possibly the need to be adventurous on her own? For as much difficulty as her looks had gotten her into, she wasn’t entirely sure how to use them to her advantage. She knew that men’s eyes were naturally drawn to where women touched themselves.
So maybe she would often bring her fingers to her mouth. She experimented by letting out a small gasp and touching two fingers to her lips as she gave a come-hither look across the carriage. She nearly doubled over in laughter from her own silliness.
Batting her long eyelashes, she whispered, “Why, Sebastian, you sly fox. I could just—”
“You could just what? Oh, please, don’t leave me hanging. I’m left in dreadful suspense.”
Emma swore under her breath and then clapped a hand over her mouth. Oh why hadn’t she just taken a nap?
****
Thanks to Emma, Sebastian was now fully awake, and even more fully amused. Shoulders shaking with laughter, he couldn’t form a sentence. Each time he tried, he looked across at Emma’s red face and the amusement started all over again.
“Please do tell what was in that little head of yours a moment ago. Were you dreaming of me, sweet?”
“Hardly,” she clipped.
“Ah, then you were trying to seduce me with your words, you little minx. What was I again? A sly fox? I haven’t been called one of those in a long while. However did you know? Oh, Emma, are you not speaking to me now?”
Her silence was his answer, though he noticed the hint of a smile play across her lush lips. Unfortunately her little speech did more to his body than he would have liked to admit. Hiding his attraction to her was going to take a herculean effort on his part. Not that he needed to hide his attraction. After all, they were supposed to be betrothed. But it wasn’t real, could never be real. She was his best friend’s cousin and she deserved to be loved and cherished. That type of marriage was not in the cards for Sebastian. People he loved died, and his heart couldn’t bear sharing his body and soul with someone just to have them leave him.
The rest of the carriage ride was met with Sebastian’s incessant joking and ridicule to try to get Emma to talk. And Emma’s uncanny ability to ignore him? If he were vying for her attention, he would be frustrated if not completely at his wit’s end.
But he wasn’t vying for her attention.
So those blasted feelings of irritation about the fact that she could simply ignore him didn’t mean anything.
Sebastian was so lost in thought that when the carriage doors opened, he wasn’t as careful as usual and fell flat on his face.
“Your grace!” Footman, livery, everyone within a safe distance ran at him. The only object hurt was his pride. The servants probably assumed that since he had tripped on their watch they would all be let go.
“I’m—” He was about to say fine, but was rudely interrupted by the sound of Emma’s laughter. Turning ever so slowly, his eyes fell on the object of his distraction, doubled over in the carriage, tears streaming down her face.
“Now that I’ve made a cake of myself…” Sebastian held out his dirty gloved hand to Emma who, still laughing, took his hand and thanked him, but not before showing him how one gets out of a carriage, and producing such an act of showing exactly how to exit a carriage that he couldn’t help but applaud the girl’s effort at making him feel like a lummox.
“Minx.”
“Fox,” she retorted then curtsied. His smile was firmly in place all the way up to the large doors of Rawlings' estate.
Chapter Fifteen
Sebastian instantly sobered when Rawlings himself opened the door and, without giving the duke the proper bow and address society demanded, turned his attention toward Emma and smiled wickedly.
“Miss Gates, it has been too long.”
Should he name his seconds? Sebastian felt a strange bolt of jealousy slam into his chest as he realized more than one man feigned ownership over Emma. Fists clenched he fought the urge to pummel the man in front of him, offering a tight smile instead. Did he have any special claim on Emma? Any more claim than Rawlings? If anything, he had less of a claim, considering he was to be helping her with the male sex instead of wanting to draw his pistol on the first man who looked at her. But did that man have to be Rawlings?
Emma’s face registered absolute shock, as Rawlings bent over her hand and brushed the lightest of kisses across her knuckles. Her eyes squinted as if trying to figure him out. Rawlings turned to Sebastian.
“Your grace.”
Sebastian inclined his head at Rawlings' disappearing form. The cad had barely acknowledged him. If that was how he was going to play it, fine. He loathed him. Besides, it was inexcusable for him to eye Emma the way he had.
“Come.” Sebastian held out his arm for Emma to take, but she was frozen in place. Painful emotions whirled across her beautiful features. “Emma, are you all right?”
“Fine.” She cleared her throat and pasted a strained smile on her face. “Do you think it’s time for refreshments?” With that, she walked ahead of him.
Something was wrong. And how in creation did she know where she was going in this large house? It was impressive to say the least, boasting of centuries of money. Maybe Rawlings wasn’t so deep in debt after all.
Sebastian, still perplexed, was taken up to his bedchambers to freshen up before dinner. Most of the guests were arriving the following day, leaving Rawlings alone with the guests who had materialized that afternoon. Among the few were Sir Belverd and his wife, and finally Lord Richards and his daughters.
All in all it would not be a lively night. Rumor had it Belverd’s wife was increasing—the only reason Sebastian could think of for Belverd to attend was as a favor to Nicholas, who couldn’t pull himself away from his responsibilities long enough to aid in Sebastian’s hunt.
That left Lord Richards and his two daughters. Never had Sebastian met debutantes more unfit for a Season in London than those girls. While both heartbreakingly beautiful, they were so shy it was more interesting to talk to oneself than endeavoring to engage them in conversation.
Sebastian gave it one more Season before Lord Richards started adding more blunt to their dowries.
Donning his dinner jacket, he left his room and bounded down the stairs taking them two at a
time. He hadn’t seen Emma since her odd behavior earlier. It wouldn’t surprise him if she were resting in her room. The girl had been too busy talking to herself in the carriage to sleep. The memory brought a smile to his lips.
He walked slowly down the hall. A room at the end was still lit, possibly another guest getting ready to come to dinner. And then he heard Emma’s voice.
“Lord Rawlings, please…”
“You never used to call me Lord Rawlings. I remember a time when you used to say my name. How I wish I could hear it now from your lips. Say it, Emma, say my name. Has it truly been so long ago?”
Emma’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Yes, it was another lifetime, my lord.”
“But we are so different now. I have my father’s title. Everything that happened was lost when he died. Can we not start anew? You can’t imagine my surprise at seeing you in London…or the absolute shock that you’d attach yourself to one such as Tempest. You don’t actually believe you can win him, do you? My bet says the poor man doesn’t even know.”
“It is not your concern, my lord.” Her voice rose. Sebastian wanted to cheer as he neared closer to the door and listened.
Rawlings laughed. “Easy, we wouldn’t want you getting overheated before dinner. You have not answered my question. Does he know, Emma? I would hate to see such a beneficial match turn out so…badly, wouldn’t you?”
“Don’t,” Emma choked.
“Ah, my sweet, I would never do that to you. Haven’t I kept my silence all these years? I loved you—I still do.”
As he listened, Sebastian imagined all the worst possible things the two could be discussing. She knew Rawlings intimately, that had to be it. Had he—had he ruined her somehow? Had she formed an attachment at a young age?
Sebastian’s mind was reeling. It would do him no good to sit and listen to them continue to talk. But he would ask Emma later. She owed him that much.
****
Emma looked at Lord Rawlings’ face one last time before she felt a single tear fall down her cheek. “You are wrong, my lord. It will never be the same again.”
“Why?”
He was standing so close to her it was hard to breathe. She had once loved this man. Though her love had only extended to friendship, she had wanted to give everything she was to him. And he had let her down more than anyone and still held all the cards. One word from him and Sebastian would hate her, society would turn her out on her ear, and she would have no one.
Suddenly angry again she looked up into his crystal blue eyes. “Because you made your choice long ago, Rawlings, and that choice did not include me.”
His nostrils flared with a mixture of anger and irritation. Grabbing her arm, he pulled her into a ferocious kiss, then forcefully released her, nearly sending her flying backward. She was too shocked to say or do anything. Was he insane? The way the candles flickered across his face made him darkly handsome. Too bad he was in league with the devil. Just what had he hoped to accomplish?
Emma stepped around him and fled the room. It was her only choice. After being kissed by Rawlings, what else was she to do? He merely stood there and stared at her as if his kiss would make her remember what they had shared. He hadn’t kissed her when they were courting, except once on the cheek. He had been different then, less scarred, less ruined by the darkness of the world.
Now he appeared desperate. But what did that have to do with her? The only thing that came to mind was that he was using her as a way to get to Sebastian. Maybe he needed money? Naturally she would be a good bargaining chip if she was actually to marry Sebastian, but she wasn’t. Sebastian wouldn’t pay to keep her reputation safe. Once they broke off the farce of an engagement, they would go their separate ways.
Emma groaned as she made her way down the poorly lit hallway. A sudden headache began throbbing at her temples. Mind still reeling, she walked around the corner and bumped into something.
Sebastian steadied her with strong arms.
“Not now,” he said. “Later tonight, before I lose my mind with worry and curiosity, you will tell me what that was about, Emma. Now,” he pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her, “wipe your tears and put a smile on your face. Later you can cry. Right now you need to pretend everything’s fine.”
Emma laughed bitterly. Hadn’t she been doing exactly that since the incident? Pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t? Pasting a smile on her face because she couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in her parents’ eyes?
After Sebastian deemed her presentable, she walked in on his arm and was promptly seated next to Sir Belverd, who was more than happy to tell her stories of Sebastian and Nicholas’s wild days at University.
Chapter Sixteen
Emma tried to listen attentively as Sir Belverd droned on about Nicholas and Sebastian, but each time she raised her eyes to meet his, she would have the bad fortune to also meet Rawlings’ gaze, considering he was seated directly behind Sir Belverd at the head of the table.
Gulping down the last bit of wine in her glass, for it had been refilled at least twice, she managed a tiny smile as Belverd’s voice continued to fill the silence.
Sebastian, because he was the highest ranking guest, was seated away from her next to Rawlings, which was probably miserable for both of them, considering she knew they despised one another. She only hoped Sebastian hadn’t let his fork slip a few times, then again, maybe her appetite would return if she were to see Rawlings on the other end of a pointed fork or knife, making him nearly as uncomfortable as she.
Seeing him again was absolutely miserable. He hadn’t wanted anything to do with her for years, and now, suddenly, he wants to start fresh? As if the incident had never happened? Her stomach recoiled at the thought he would use the information he knew against her, to either hurt her or hurt Sebastian, both thoughts unbearable.
Course after course was served. With each one more anxiety piled onto Emma until she thought she might burst. When the last course was finished, the men adjoined to the study with their port and cigars, while the women took their sherry and ventured into the music room for some talk.
Emma wanted nothing more than to discuss tonight’s happenings with Sebastian and be on her way to bed. Exhaustion was quickly setting in. By the time she made it to the music room, all three ladies, Belverd’s wife and the two Richardson girls, were already seated, all eyes set on her.
Forcing herself to smile, she walked to the nearest seat and waited for the usual gossip. Instead, one of the Richardson girls, whom Emma believed was named Lily, cleared her throat and leaned forward.
“What is his grace like?”
Oh perfect, how was she to talk about Sebastian when even Emma found him to be a mystery at times. Naturally the girls thought she knew him better than she did.
“He’s lovely,” Emma said.
“Lovely?” Lady Belverd snorted. “Oh dear, it sounds to me like Emma has fallen head over heels for his grace.”
Emma was curious how her describing the duke as lovely sufficed as having fallen for him but decided it was in her best interest not to comment.
“Has he…” Lily bit her lip. “Has he kissed you, Emma?”
Her sister nudged her hard. Emma didn’t mind the question. Wouldn’t she be just as curious?
“Um, well, that is…I—”
“Now, ladies, that is between the duke and Emma.”
“What exactly is between us?” Sebastian swept into the room and bowed before the ladies. “I do hope you were saying good things, Miss Gates.”
Emma lifted her eyebrow as she took a tentative sip of the sherry in her hand. “Of course.”
Sebastian’s eyes never left her face as he announced, “I hope you don’t mind, ladies, but I was hoping to speak to my betrothed for a moment tonight concerning some minor details of our upcoming nuptials. I’m sure you ladies understand.”
Emma thought she heard a few muffled giggles, but couldn’t be sure since her eyes were fully locked
on the temptation Sebastian St. James, Duke of Tempest, brought to her.
Dressed in a tight-fitting dinner jacket, his broad shoulders seemed almost too firm to be real. She was half-tempted to run her hands along the smooth fabric. Hadn’t she earlier today decided to enjoy being with Sebastian as long as it lasted? Or had time run out? Just how much had he overheard?
Before she knew it, Emma was being escorted outside onto one of the south facing balconies. Sebastian had no way of knowing it, but this balcony overlooked the Gates’ estate, and if one looked hard enough, it was possible to see the grounds of her parents’ country house as well as their stables.
A familiar longing fell over Emma as her mind went back to easier days. The time before the incident had been good. Her family had adored her and she was to have her first season, but not have to participate in the marriage fiasco it presented. After all, she already had her match.
And what a match Rawlings had been. If looks were to be the deciding factor, then he had those in spades. But he lacked heart, and the years at University had not been good to him. Each time he had returned to her he’d appeared haggard, tired, and debauched. Oh he had still been tall, dark, and handsome. With piercing blue eyes and brown hair, his looks favored Lord Renwick. One could believe them to be brothers. Yet, over time, Lord Renwick had battled his demons and won, while Rawlings was still entrenched in the fight, or had decided to give up. The permanent scowl or smug grin on his face told everyone within his vicinity that he was much too full of himself to be of any use to anyone. The boyish charm was gone. In its place stood a man who had seen too much in the world and come out the other end damaged, just like her.
Maybe Rawlings was interested. Maybe he viewed himself on the same level as Emma. He was her last everything. Her last dance, her last real chance at marriage and the last person who had fully let her down in life. Even if he was interested, he would be the least appropriate man in the country with whom she would align herself. As much as he tried to play her the fool, too much history had gone on between them. She only hoped Sebastian wasn’t bringing her out here for a history lesson, but wanted to spend time with her.