In the silence that followed, Mack simply lay still, allowing the immensity of space and scattered light to dwarf him, letting his perceptions be captured by starlight and the thought that everything was about him… about the human race… that all this was all for us. After what seemed like a long time, it was Jesus who broke into the quiet.
“I’ll never get tired of looking at this. The wonder of it all—the ‘wastefulness of creation,’ as one of our brothers has called it. So elegant, so full of longing and beauty even now.”
“You know,” Mack responded, suddenly struck anew by the absurdity of his situation: where he was, the person next to him. “Sometimes you sound so… I mean, here I am, lying next to God Almighty, and you really sound so…”
“Human?” Jesus offered. “But ugly.” And with that he began to chuckle, quietly and restrained at first, but after a couple of snorts, laughter simply started tumbling out. It was infectious, and Mack found himself swept along from somewhere deep inside. He had not laughed from down there in a long time. Jesus reached over and hugged him, shaking from his own spasms of mirth, and Mack felt more clean and alive and well than he had since… well, he couldn’t remember when.
Eventually, they both calmed again and the night’s quiet asserted itself once more. It seemed that even the frogs had called it quits. Mack lay there realizing that he was now feeling guilty about enjoying himself, about laughing, and even in the darkness he could feel The Great Sadness roll in and over him.
“Jesus?” he whispered as his voice choked. “I feel so lost.”
A hand reached out and squeezed his and didn’t let go. “I know, Mack. But it’s not true. I am with you and I’m not lost. I’m sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly: you are not lost.”
“I hope you’re right,” Mack said, his tension lessened by the words of his newfound friend.
“C’mon,” said Jesus, standing up and reaching down for Mack. “You have a big day ahead of you. Let’s get you to bed.” He put his arm around Mack’s shoulder and together they walked back toward the cabin.
Mack was suddenly exhausted. Today had been one long day. Maybe he would wake up at home in his own bed after a night of vivid dreaming, but somewhere inside he hoped he was wrong.
8
A BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.
—Author Unknown
When he reached his room, Mack discovered that his clothes, which he had left back in the car, were either folded on top of the dresser or hung in the open closet. To his amusement he also found a Gideon’s Bible in the nightstand. He opened the window wide to let the outside night flow freely in, something that Nan never tolerated at home because of her fear of spiders and anything else crawly and creepy. Snuggling like a small child deep inside the heavy down comforter, he had made it through only a couple of verses before the Bible somehow left his hand, the light somehow turned off, someone kissed him on the cheek, and he was lifting gently off the ground in a flying dream.
Those who have never flown this way might think those who believe they do rather daft, but secretly they are probably at least a little envious. He hadn’t had a flying dream in years, not since The Great Sadness had descended, but tonight Mack flew high into the starlit night, the air clear and cool but not uncomfortable. He soared above lakes and rivers, crossing an ocean coast and a number of reef-rimmed islets.
As odd as it sounds, Mack had learned inside his dreams to fly like this: to lift off the ground supported by nothing—no wings, no aircraft of any sort, just himself. Beginning flights were usually limited to a few inches, due mostly to fear or, more accurately, a dread of falling. Stretching his flights to a foot or two and eventually higher increased his confidence, as did his discovery that crashing wasn’t painful at all but only a slow-motion bounce. In time, he learned to ascend into the clouds, cover vast distances, and land gently.
As he soared at will over rugged mountains and crystal white seashores, reveling in the missed wonder of dream flight, suddenly something grabbed him by the ankle and tore him out of the sky. In a matter of seconds he was dragged from the heights and violently thrown face-first onto a muddy and deeply rutted road. Thunder shook the ground and rain instantly drenched him to the bone. And there it came again, lightning illuminating the face of his daughter as she soundlessly screamed “Daddy” and then turned to run into the darkness, her red dress visible only for a few brief flashes and then gone. He fought with all his strength to extricate himself from the mud and the water, succeeding only in being sucked deeper into its grasp. And just as he was being taken under he woke with a gasp.
With his heart racing and his imagination anchored in the nightmare’s images, it took a few moments for Mack to realize it had only been a dream. But even as it faded from his consciousness, the emotions didn’t go with it. The dream had provoked The Great Sadness, and before he could even get out of bed, he was once again fighting his way through the despair that had devoured too many of his days.
With a grimace he looked around the room in the dull gray of the growing dawn that snuck in around the window shades. This wasn’t his bedroom; nothing looked or felt familiar. Where was he? Think, Mack, think! Then he remembered. He was still at the shack with those three interesting characters, all of whom thought they were God.
“This can’t really be happening,” Mack grunted as he pulled his feet out of bed and sat on its edge with his head in his hands. He thought back to the previous day and again entertained the fear that he was going crazy. As he had never been much of a touchy-feely person, Papa—whoever she was—made him nervous, and he had no idea what to make of Sarayu. He admitted to himself that he liked Jesus a lot, but he seemed the least godlike of the three.
He let out a deep, heavy sigh. And if God was really here, why hadn’t he taken his nightmares away?
Sitting in a quandary, he decided, wasn’t helping, so he found his way to the bathroom where, to his amusement, everything he needed for a shower had been carefully laid out for him. He took his time in the warmth of the water, took his time shaving, and, back in the bedroom, took his time dressing.
The penetrating and alluring aroma of coffee drew his eye to the steaming cup waiting for him on the end table by the door. Taking a sip, he opened the shades and stood looking out through his bedroom window onto the lake, which he’d glimpsed only as a shadow the night before.
It was perfect, smooth as glass, except for the occasional trout leaping after its breakfast, sending circles of miniature waves radiating across the deep blue surface until they were slowly absorbed back into the larger surface. He estimated the far side was about a half mile away. Dew sparkled everywhere, diamondlike tears of the early morning reflecting the sun’s love.
The three canoes resting easily at intervals along the dock looked inviting, but Mack shrugged off the thought. Canoes were no longer a joy. Too many bad memories.
The dock reminded him of the night before. Had he really lain out there with the One who made the universe? Mack shook his head, dumbfounded. What was going on here? Who were they really and what did they want from him? Whatever it was, he was sure he didn’t have it to give.
The smell of eggs and bacon mixed with something else curled into his room, interrupting his thoughts. Mack decided it was time to emerge and speak for his share. As he entered the main living area, he heard the sound of a familiar Bruce Cockburn tune drifting from the kitchen and the high-pitched voice of a black woman singing along rather well: “Oh, Love that fires the sun, keep me burning.” Papa emerged with plates in each hand full of pancakes and fried potatoes and greens of some sort. She was dressed in a long-flowing African-looking garment, complete with a vibrant multicolored headband. She looked radiant—almost glowing.
“You know,” she exclaimed, “I love that child’s songs! I am especially fond of Bruce, you know.” She looked over at Mack, who was just sitting down at the table.
Mack nodded, his appetite increasing by the second.
“Yup,” she continued, “and I know you like him too.”
Mack smiled. It was true. Cockburn had been a family favorite for years, first his, then his and Nan’s, and then each of the children to one degree or another.
“So, honey,” Papa said, continuing busily with whatever she was doing, “how were your dreams last night? Dreams are sometimes important, you know. They can be a way of openin’ up the window and lettin’ the bad air out.”
Mack knew this was an invitation to unlock the door to his terrors, but at the moment he wasn’t ready to invite her into that hole with him. “I slept fine, thank you,” he responded and then quickly changed the subject. “Is he your favorite? Bruce, I mean?”
She stopped and looked at him. “Mackenzie, I have no favorites. I am just especially fond of him.”
“You seem to be especially fond of a lot of people,” Mack observed with a suspicious look. “Are there any you are not especially fond of?”
She lifted her head and rolled her eyes as if she were mentally going through the catalog of every being ever created. “Nope, I haven’t been able to find any. Guess that’s jes’ the way I is.”
Mack was interested. “Do you ever get mad at any of them?”
“Sho ’nuff! What parent doesn’t? There is a lot to be mad about in the mess my kids have made and in the mess they’re in. I don’t like a lot of the choices they make, but that anger—especially for me—is an expression of love all the same. I love the ones I am angry with just as much as those I’m not.”
“But—” Mack paused. “What about your wrath? It seems to me that if you’re going to pretend to be God Almighty, you need to be a lot angrier.”
“Do I now?”
“That’s what I think. Weren’t you always running around killing people in the Bible? You just don’t seem to fit the bill.”
“I understand how disorienting all this must be for you, Mack. But the only one pretending here is you. I am what I am. I’m not trying to fit anyone’s bill.”
“But you’re asking me to believe that you’re God, and I just don’t see…” Mack had no idea how to finish his sentence, so he just gave up.
“I’m not asking you to believe anything, but I will tell you that you’re going to find this day a lot easier if you simply accept what is, instead of trying to fit it into your preconceived notions.”
“But if you are God, aren’t you the One spilling out great bowls of wrath and throwing people into a burning lake of fire?” Mack could feel his deep anger emerging again, pushing out the questions in front of it, and he was a little chagrined at his own lack of self-control. But he asked anyway, “Honestly, don’t you enjoy punishing those who disappoint you?”
At that, Papa stopped her preparations and turned toward Mack. He could see a deep sadness in her eyes. “I am not who you think I am, Mackenzie. I don’t need to punish people for sin. Sin is its own punishment, devouring you from the inside. It’s not my purpose to punish it; it’s my joy to cure it.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re right. You don’t,” she said with a smile still sad around its edges. “But then again, we’re not done yet.”
Just then Jesus and Sarayu entered laughing through the back door, involved in their own conversation. Jesus came in dressed much as he had the day before, just jeans and a light blue button-down shirt that made his dark brown eyes stand out. Sarayu, on the other hand, was clothed in something so fine and lacy that it fairly flowed at the slightest breeze or spoken word. Rainbow patterns shimmered and reshaped with her every gesture. Mack wondered if she ever completely stopped moving. He rather doubted it.
Papa leaned down to eye level with Mack. “You raise some important questions, and we’ll get around to them, I promise. But now let’s enjoy breakfast together.”
Mack nodded, again a little embarrassed as he turned his attention to the food. He was hungry anyway, and there was plenty to eat.
“Thank you for breakfast,” he told Papa while Jesus and Sarayu were taking their seats.
“What?” she said in mock horror. “You aren’t even going to bow your head and close your eyes?” She began walking toward the kitchen, grumbling as she went. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. What is the world coming to? You’re welcome, honey,” she said as she waved over her shoulder. She returned a moment later with still another bowl of steaming something that smelled wonderful and inviting.
They passed the food to one another, and Mack was spellbound watching and listening as Papa joined in the conversation Jesus and Sarayu were having. It had something to do with reconciling an estranged family, but it wasn’t what they were talking about that captured Mack, it was how they related. He had never seen three people share with such simplicity and beauty. Each seemed totally aware of the others rather than of himself.
“So, what do you think, Mack?” Jesus asked, gesturing toward him.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Mack with his mouth half full of the very tasty greens. “But I love the way you do it.”
“Whoa,” said Papa, who had returned from the kitchen with yet another dish. “Take it easy on those greens, young man. Those things can give you the trots if you ain’t careful.”
“All right, I’ll try to remember,” Mack said as he reached for the dish in her hand. Then turning back to Jesus he added, “I love the way you treat each other. It’s certainly not how I expected God to be.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, I know that you are one and all, and that there are three of you. But you respond with such graciousness to each other. Isn’t one of you more the boss than the other two?”
The three looked at one another as if they had never thought of such a question.
“I mean,” Mack hurried on, “I have always thought of God the Father as sort of being the boss and Jesus as the one following orders, you know, being obedient. I’m not sure how the Holy Spirit fits in exactly. He… I mean, she… uh…” Mack tried not to look at Sarayu as he stumbled for words. “Whatever—the Spirit always seemed kind of a… uh…”
“A free spirit?” offered Papa.
“Exactly—a free spirit, but still under the direction of the Father. Does that make sense?”
Jesus looked over at Papa, obviously trying with some difficulty to maintain the perception of a very serious exterior. “Does that make sense to you, Abba? Frankly, I haven’t a clue what this man is talking about.”
Papa scrunched up her face as if exerting great concentration. “Nope, I have been trying to make head or tail out of it, but sorry, he’s got me lost.”
“You know what I am talking about.” Mack was a little frustrated. “I am talking about who’s in charge. Don’t you have a chain of command?”
“Chain of command? That sounds ghastly!” Jesus said.
“At least binding,” Papa added as they both started laughing, and then Papa turned to Mack and sang, “Though chains be of gold, they are chains all the same.”
“Now don’t concern yourself with those two,” Sarayu interrupted, reaching out her hand to comfort and calm him. “They’re just playing with you. This is actually a subject of interest among us.”
Mack nodded, relieved and a little chagrined that he had again allowed himself to lose his composure.
“Mackenzie, we have no concept of final authority among us, only unity. We are in a circle of relationship, not a chain of command or ‘great chain of being,’ as your ancestors termed it. What you’re seeing here is relationship without any overlay of power. We don’t need power over the other because we are always looking out for the best. Hierarchy would make no sense among us. Actually, this is your problem, not ours.”
“Really? How so?”
“Humans are so lost and damaged that to you it is almost incomprehensible that people could work or live together without someone being in charge.”
“But every hum
an institution that I can think of, from political to business, even down to marriage, is governed by this kind of thinking. It is the web of our social fabric,” Mack asserted.
“Such a waste!” said Papa, picking up the empty dish and heading for the kitchen.
“It’s one reason why experiencing true relationship is so difficult for you,” Jesus added. “Once you have a hierarchy you need rules to protect and administer it, and then you need law and the enforcement of the rules, and you end up with some kind of chain of command or a system of order that destroys relationship rather than promotes it. You rarely see or experience relationship apart from power. Hierarchy imposes laws and rules and you end up missing the wonder of relationship that we intended for you.”
“Well,” said Mack sarcastically, sitting back in his chair, “we sure seem to have adapted pretty well to it.”
Sarayu was quick to reply, “Don’t confuse adaptation with intention, or seduction with reality.”
“So then—uh, could you please pass me a bit more of those greens? So then we’ve been seduced into this preoccupation with authority?”
“In a sense, yes!” responded Papa, passing Mack the platter of greens but not letting go until he pulled twice. “I’m just looking out for you, son.”
Sarayu continued, “When you chose independence over relationship, you became a danger to one another. Others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness. Authority, as you usually think of it, is merely the excuse the strong ones use to make others conform to what they want.”
“Isn’t it helpful in keeping people from fighting endlessly or getting hurt?”
“Sometimes. But in a selfish world it is also used to inflict great harm.”
“But don’t you use it to restrain evil?”
“We carefully respect your choices, so we work within your systems even while we seek to free you from them,” Sarayu continued. “Creation has been taken down a very different path than we desired. In your world the value of the individual is constantly weighed against the survival of the system, whether political, economic, social, or religious—any system, actually. First one person, and then a few, and finally even many are easily sacrificed for the good and ongoing existence of that system. In one form or another this lies behind every struggle for power, every prejudice, every war, and every abuse of relationship. The ‘will to power and independence’ has become so ubiquitous that it is now considered normal.”