CHAPTER XXIII
THE WEDDING
When in a discursive mood, Badger was wont to say, with the aggressivelocal pride common to new communities, that the world had produced threegreat men--Julius Caesar, Theodore Roosevelt and Lafe Johnson. Theyaccorded this ranking to Julius rather reluctantly, he having been a"foreigner." Imagine, then, their feelings of helpless amazement whenthey learned that Lafe was about to leave them.
"You don't need no sheriff here now," said he. "Things have got sopeaceful that what you want is a dog-catcher and a pound-man. I ain't acandidate for that job. Go ahead and elect a city marshal, and let himdo the chores when he ain't busy on anything else."
He was obdurate in this resolution. To his intimates he confessed thatthe hazards and journeyings of the office made it unfit for occupancy bya married man. And, now that Moffatt was safely in jail and the countrycleared of its worst element, he proposed to become a married man. Itwas Hetty who steeled him in this resolve, when the pleadings of hisfriends and fellow-townsmen appeared to have him wavering. She had hereyes fixed on Lafe's place beyond the Willows as on a haven of rest, andthe Widow Brown gathered from her conversation that Hetty's notion of arespectable and happy citizen was a farmer with one hundred and sixtyacres and a flock of children. She mentioned this to Hetty, who grewcrimson and requested her to talk sense.
So Lafe resigned as sheriff of Badger, and they presented him with alarge watch which ticked so loudly that he could not sleep with it underhis pillow; and several staid, responsible property holders got verydrunk indeed.
The wedding was fixed for the day following that on which he laid downthe cares of office. He and Hetty were talking over final arrangementson the eve.
"I've got a surprise for you," said Lafe.
"What is it?"
"Ol' man Horne has bought the Anvil range. He's made me boss, too. Ahundred a month."
Hetty exclaimed in delight as Johnson proudly exhibited a letterreceived quite three weeks before, which he had been holding back inorder to cap his resignation. That made everything smooth and safe forthem. They would have their home in Hope Canon beyond the Willows, andgood fresh beef and butter and milk. Assuredly Lafe would himself becomea rich cowman some day. Hetty was sure of it.
Their wedding-morn broke, sullen and muttering like a man heavy withsleep. Badger kicked off the blankets, sat up to ascertain just whathead it had contracted, and asked hoarsely for an eye-opener. Aneye-opener is a drink of undiluted whisky, gulped down before breakfast.Then it stepped out into the road, cocked an eye aloft and opined thatthe weather looked bad for the sheriff's wedding. They will always callhim "sheriff" in Badger.
Turner, the storekeeper, announced at a very early hour that it was merefolly trying to work, and nobody need expect him to attend to businessthat day or for several to come, perhaps. Thereupon he shut up shop andcarried a graphophone on to the front porch. It played "In the Shade ofthe Old Apple Tree" eleven times, while the express agent's dog squattedin the road, with its nose tilted back, and howled dismally.
About noon, nine of the Anvil boys rode into town to grace the occasion.They had on clean shirts, and their boots were greased and odorous.Following them came Mr. and Mrs. Horne in a buckboard. The couple haddriven forty miles to do honor to the new range boss, and Mrs. Hornelost no time in repairing to the Widow Brown's to assist in attiring thebride. She found that young woman aggravatingly cool--almost placid.Next there arrived the Floyds, with their son Tommy, now grown tooveralls and boastful talk.
All the male population of Badger was gathered in the Fashion and inthe Cowboys' Rest across the street. Thither hastened Horne and Floyd tohearten the sheriff, but they discovered only their own men and a crowdof merry-makers. Escaping from them in good time, the two sought Turner,who, as justice of the peace, was to perform the ceremony. Thestorekeeper was found crouched behind some goods in the back portion ofhis place. He was perspiring profusely. Some fiend in human form hadwarned Bob not to mix the burial service with the marriage ceremony, ashe had done on another occasion best forgotten, and the justice of thepeace could not get the fearful idea out of his head. He was thereforetrying to commit as much as possible of the service to memory.
"You're looking pretty slick, Bob. Where's Lafe?" asked Horne.
"He's upstairs. I hid him out in that empty room where we keep thestiffs," said Turner, hastily secreting the book. By "stiffs" hereferred to the custom of holding the bodies of gentlemen who metviolent deaths, until a coroner's jury pronounced on them.
"That's a good place for him," said Floyd.
They started upstairs. "Wait," cried Turner. "I'll take him his dinner."
The trio found Lafe sitting on a stool. He had on a new suit and hishair was plastered down over his forehead, but despite this brave show,he was wretched, gazing miserably out of the window into the street,where numbers of his friends were surging up and down and across. Asthey entered, a cowboy topped an outlaw mule and the frenzied shrieks ofencouragement to the rider drew Horne and Floyd and Turner to look. Thenhis employer obtained a close view of the sheriff's face.
"You sick?" he demanded.
"No-oo. Why?"
"Then, man alive, brace up. You ain't going to be hung."
Lafe smiled in ghastly fashion and essayed to eat of the steak andvegetables which the justice had brought. It was a vain pretense. Histhroat was dry and he could not swallow without straining. Afterwatching him a while, Horne suggested that they all take a drink.
"I find a touch of rye helps me a heap when I'm poorly," said he.
To this proposal nobody objected.
"Got the ring?" said Horne.
Again the sheriff gave a sickly grin and stuck his forefinger into awaistcoat pocket. Instantly his face turned a pea-green shade.
"Why," he exclaimed, "I done put it there not five--" He started goingthrough every pocket with shaking hands.
"Jumpin' Jupiter!" said Turner. "You done give me that ring to keep foryou an hour ago, Lafe. He kept taking it out so often to look at it, Iwas scared he'd wear it out, Horne."
In any report of a wedding, it is proper to itemize the plunder. We willtherefore leave the bridegroom and his three tried friends to pass theremaining hours playing "cold hands" with cards, whilst we take a peepinto the Widow Brown's abode. Hetty is dressing by the aid of Mrs. Horneand Mrs. Floyd, and no peeping is permissible there. Out upon thethought! Suffice that she wore that day certain fine linen and fluffycreations, the like of which the ladies of Badger had never seen and ofwhose existence in wardrobes the male residents had no suspicion. Mrs.Horne was vastly gratified.
The presents were laid out in the parlor--all but one. That one wasgiven by the express agent, and was hidden deep in the barn, but restassured that it will ultimately be taken to the house in Hope Canon.Ever a facetious and far-sighted man, the express agent had sent ago-cart.
A piano lamp under a pink glass shade with green bead fringe centeredthe display. The fact that it was made for gas--and they would be lucky,indeed, always to have oil in the Canon--did not diminish its value inHetty's eyes at all. Moreover, there was not a piano in Badger. Somebodyhad sent Lafe a silver-plated six-shooter; another, a chromo lithographof the prophet Elijah caught up in a chariot of fire. To Hetty had comeshawls and cruetstands, coffee pots and tidies and chair scarfs; also,plated cake dishes, cutlery and rugs. An erstwhile admirer from the LazyL, who had partaken of many meals at the Fashion on her account, sent amilch cow, and for Lafe came a black saddler from Floyd. This was thehorse that had carried the Lazy L boss across a swollen river on acertain occasion in which Johnson had figured, and he had often admiredthe beast. A very serviceable gift was that from Horne--a check forfifty dollars.
"Wilt thou have this woman to--"
They were standing side by side in the parlor of the Widow Brown's,under a wedding-bell made of cedar boughs, which was suspended from theceiling by a wire. All Lafe's nervousness was gone. His face was stern,but there was a peaceful light in
the eyes that was good to see.Evidently Mrs. Horne thought so, for she and the Widow Brown criedsoftly and without ceasing. The bride was rather pale, but entirelycomposed. Only Turner and Horne fidgeted, the latter because his collarchafed him. Turner skimmed over the words and paused twice to whisper inan aside that he hoped to the Lord Lafe hadn't forgotten the ring.
"Wilt thou have this woman to--"
There was an inward surge, then a break in the ranks of the guestsgrouped behind the pair and at the door, and Turner paused with his handraised.
"Hold on there! Hold on," cried a falsetto voice.
An enormously fat woman lurched through the company and confronted thegroom. A felt hat with a red plume wagged rakishly on top of her head.She had on a blue calico skirt, and her feet were large and bulbous.They could not discern her features because of a veil.
"What's this?" said she in a high-pitched voice. "What's this, LafeJohnson?"
"Ma'am?" said the sheriff.
"What does this mean? Who is this lady?"
"I don't take you, ma'am. This lady and me, we're just fixing to getmarried. What's the matter?"
"Matter? Matter?" shrieked the intruder. "You do fine to ask, don't you,Lafe Johnson? What about me that you left in Abilene, back in Texas?Hey? How about li'l' Charlie and James, that's the dead image of you?He's been a-cryin' for you, Lafe. Just after he got over themeasles--oh, you wretch!"
"Abilene?" repeated the sheriff dully. "Abilene? Charlie and James? Why,I was never in Abilene longer than half an hour in my life, ma'am. Youcan see for yourself--"
Hetty, who had shrunk back with a startled air at the entrance of thefat woman, now moved suddenly and pulled up the veil, disclosing theround, shining visage of the Anvil cook.
"Why!" said Horne. "If it ain't old Dave!"
Instead of throwing him into the street or into jail, as he deserved,the company permitted Dave to retire with honor to the outer circle,where he divested himself of skirt, waist and plumed hat, and was heardto entreat one of the boys to help loosen the belt with which he hadpainfully compressed his figure for the event. They could hear himsqueal, pretending to be tickled. All agreed that his portrayal offeminine behavior was a marvel of similitude.
Neither Lafe nor the bride took the interruption in ill part. Thejustice of the peace only appeared chagrined--Turner was in an agony offear lest he lose his place--but even he managed to join in the laugh.The two faced him again. Three minutes later they were man and wife.