When she did, she gasped, opening her eyes, and I was right there to offer comfort. For a moment her hands flew to her neck, but she took deep inhales and exhales to relax herself. It seemed over the years, she was better at easing her own panics.
“You’re okay,” I promised. “I’m here.”
Maggie sat up and combed her hair behind her ears.
“On a scale of one to ten, how bad?” I asked.
“Eight.”
I kissed her forehead.
“Did I wake you?” she questioned.
“No.”
She smiled. “Liar.” She shifted around in the sheets and pulled her knees up to her chest, fidgeting nonstop. I could see that part of her mind was still living in her nightmare.
“Tell me what you need,” I said. “Tell me what to do.”
“Just hold me,” she replied. Her eyes shut.
I scooted in closer and wrapped my arms around her. My chin rested against the top of her head as I held her.
I moved my lips to her forehead, giving her a gentle kiss. My lips lingered to her tears, and I softly kissed those away. My lips then moved to her mouth as I watched her inhale and exhale. My eyes shut as my lips grazed against hers. She grazed against mine. Her breaths became mine, and mine fell into hers. “You are okay tonight,” I promised her. And if she wasn’t she would be by morning. Either way, I wasn’t leaving her side.
She pushed her lips against mine, pressing her fingers against my chest. My tongue swept against her bottom lip before I sucked gently.
“I had a nightmare, too,” I told her. “I felt like I was drowning again.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” she whispered.
I closed my eyes and saw the water. I felt it. It felt so real, so cold, so close. Then Maggie kissed my lips and reminded me that I didn’t have to drown alone. “Yes,” I replied.
“Tell me what it felt like,” she said, her voice filled with care. “Tell me what it felt like in the water.”
“Panic. It happened so fast, but in my head it felt like slow motion. My mind spun as I tried to get back to the boat,” I said.
Her lips moved to the scar on my neck, and she kissed it gently, before moving down my shoulder blade.
“When the propeller struck me the first time, I was certain that was it. I knew I was going to die. That sounds dramatic for me to say now—”
Maggie cut in. “There’s nothing dramatic about that.”
“Now, I have the nightmares and it all feels as if it’s happening again. I feel the cold water. I feel the propeller in my skin and wake up expecting to bleed.” I held my arm out, staring at my injured hand.
Her lips trailed down my left arm, and I tensed up the closer she grew to my hand. “What does it feel like?” she asked, resting her kiss on my forearm.
“There’s still this kind of phantom pain that happens. It feels as if someone is clamping against the finger super tight while setting a blowtorch to it. That comes and goes, though. When I get cold, my hand turns purple. I hate the scars. They are a constant reminder of what happened.”
“Everyone has scars. Some people are just better at hiding them.”
I smiled and kissed her forehead. “Honestly I think the anxiety and flashbacks are the worst part.”
Her eyes grew heavy. “Yeah. I know what you mean.” She sat up and bit her bottom lip. “Is it okay if I talk about my scars, too?”
“Of course.”
Maggie’s voice was timid. I saw the fear in her eyes from the idea of speaking to life what had happened in the woods all those years ago. I’d known how hard it was going to be for her, but even with her voice shaking, she still spoke.
“Her name was Julia. Sometimes my memory tried to convince me her name was Julie, but it wasn’t. It was definitely Julia,” she said.
“Who?”
“The woman who died in the woods.”
I sat up straighter, too, more alert.
“Her name was Julia, and she was leaving her husband.” She told me every piece of detail that had happened. She told me how he looked, she told me the color of Julia’s hair, her panic, her cries. She recalled the scents, his touch, his voice. For over twenty years Maggie relived her horror over and over again, never forgetting a piece of it. As she kept going, her body began shaking, but she didn’t stop. She continued telling me the story of the day that changed her life. I listened, growing angry, and scared, and sad for her. I couldn’t imagine seeing the things she saw as a child. I couldn’t imagine moving past watching someone be murdered before my eyes.
“I thought I was going to die, too, Brooks. The same way you thought your life was ending—that’s what I felt. It could’ve easily gone that way, too. If you had fallen forward, the propeller could’ve taken your life. If I didn’t get away from the man, he would’ve killed me.”
“How did you get away?”
Her eyelashes fluttered, and her eyes glimmered. “You called my name, scaring him off. You saved my life.”
“Well, I guess we’re even, because you saved mine, too.”
We stayed up until sunrise, talking about the traumas, speaking out all of the hurts and fears we both faced. Even though it was hard, it was needed for us both. It was freeing, speaking into life our troubles. Many parts of that night were tough, and sometimes we had to pause to take five minutes to remind ourselves to breathe. Yet, I was thankful for it all, the quiet moments and the painful ones, too. I was thankful for her willingness to allow me to bleed out against her. I was thankful for her bleeding out onto my soul.
“Kiss me,” she ordered.
I did as she said.
We were two souls praying to be rescued, yet with each kiss we delivered, the waters grew higher. She bit my bottom lip, and I groaned into her. She wrapped her body around my waist, and I held her in my arms. Her hips pressed hard against me, as if she were trying to hold on to me even more. My right hand moved to her chest, and I grasped her breast before moving my mouth to her neck, sucking her, biting her, needing her. Her fingers dug deep into the back of me, almost as if she were clawing into my entire existence.
She pulled back from me and locked her stare with mine. Those beautiful, sad blue eyes.
God, how I hated the sadness in her eyes.
God, how I loved the sadness in her stare.
It reminded me that I wasn’t alone.
Did she see my sadness too?
Could she taste the pain against my lips?
“Lie down,” I ordered.
She did as I said.
She slid my boxers off, and I tossed her white tank top to the side of the room. My tongue danced across her nipple, and she gasped. The sound made me pause for a second, but when she wrapped her hands in my hair and lowered my head back to her chest, I knew I needed to taste every part of her. I needed to engulf her existence to help make the pain of life disappear for a while.
Drowning.
We were drowning. Drowning into the sadness, choking from the pain. With every touch we exchanged, the waves crashed over us. I locked my fingers around the edge of her panties, watching them slide down her beautiful thighs. My mouth kissed her stomach, and I listened to her moan once more, looking up to see her staring at me. I could tell she wanted to shut her eyes, but she couldn’t. She had to watch me, study me.
Yes? I wondered in my mind, staring at her blue eyes.
She nodded once. Yes.
My mouth moved lower, and I kissed her left inner thigh. My tongue slowly dragged across her right inner thigh. Then, I positioned myself against her, sliding into her wetness, feeling the tightness of our fears with each thrust, feeling the waters rising above our heads. Our ship rocked against the tidal waves, breaking and breaking as we lost ourselves.
That night I realized a few things about life. Sometimes the rain was more pleasing than the sun. Sometimes the hurt was more fulfilling than the healing. And sometimes the pieces of a puzzle were more beautiful when scattered apart.
&
nbsp; We made love in the dark. It was messy, it was rough, it was a side of us that we didn’t know existed. We surrendered ourselves to the darkness that night, losing our way, yet somehow feeling closer to home.
As dawn grew closer, our kisses shifted to something more. With each kiss, each thrust, and each moan the tides began to descend. Maggie’s eyes stayed locked with mine every time I rocked deeper into her. I loved how she felt, I loved how she whispered, I loved how she loved me. I loved how I loved her. We wrapped together as we became each other’s anchors, finding our way back to shore.
When the sunbeams flew through the curtains and the birds began to sing, we kept holding one another and made love in the light.
Cheryl: Come home if you can? I need your help.
I stared at the text message from my sister as I stood in the bathroom wrapped in a towel after my shower. I was beyond sleepy after an all-nighter with Brooks. Talking about what had happened to me was probably the hardest thing I’d ever had to do—but it was also the best thing I’d done. It felt as if a few of the chains on my soul were released.
“Brooks,” I hollered. “I think we need to go home.”
No reply.
I walked throughout the house, holding my towel close to me, and I couldn’t find him anywhere. When I stepped out on the porch, the sunlight kissed my skin. My eyes darted out to the lake, and not only did I see him—but I heard him. Brooks was sitting out in the middle of the lake, singing. Singing under the sun.
By the time he came back, I had already gotten dressed and packed my bags.
“Everything okay?” he asked me.
“Yeah. Cheryl just said my parents need me there. Do you think you can drive me back?” I grimaced. “I know you might not be ready to go back, but I just need to make sure everyone’s okay.”
“Of course. I’ll go pack my stuff, too.”
“You’re coming back with me?”
“I just got you back, Maggie May Riley, and I’m never going to let you go again,” he said, walking over and wrapping his arms around me. “Plus, I was supposed to return that boat weeks and weeks ago, so I’m pretty sure I owe more money than I want to know.”
I snickered.
We packed up the car, hooked the boat trailer up, and headed back home. The whole trip back, we didn’t listen to the radio. I knew Brooks wasn’t ready to dive into anything dealing with music. Just as he waited for me to find my voice, I’d patiently wait for him to find his own. And he’d find it—I knew he would. Seeing him out on the boat singing was the biggest sign to me. He was slowly but surely finding his way home.
“I think I’ll wait here,” Brooks said, pulling up to our house. “I don’t want to interfere.”
I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. You go help your mom. I’ll be here.”
I nodded and told him I wouldn’t keep him too long. The second I stepped out of the car, Cheryl came rushing out to me.
“Oh my God! What took you so long? I texted you like four hours ago!” she groaned.
I snickered, walking over to my dramatic sister. “It takes four hours to drive from the cabin.”
“I know, but that doesn’t mean—” She paused. Her hands flew to her chest. “I’m sorry. Wait. Back that train up. Did you just…” She crossed her arms, uncrossed them, placed them on her hips, and then crossed them again. “Did you just speak?”
I nodded my head. “Yeah, it’s this new thing I’m trying.”
“Oh my God.” Her hands flew to her mouth. She started crying and slugged me in the shoulder. “Well, I’ll be damned, my sister speaks!” she screamed, taking my hands and spinning me in a circle before pulling me into a hug. “Oh my gosh, Mom’s going to freak out. This is perfect. She needs a lift me up.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“Oh, you know, she’s crying every night and eating ice cream like it’s the only food group known to mankind.”
“She misses him that much?”
“Even more than you think. Plus, Dad is a hot mess, too. For the first time in a long time, you and I aren’t the troubled ones in the family.” She winked before she started tearing up again. “Maggie. You’re talking.”
We stood in the front yard hugging for quite some time before we separated and she glanced over at Brooks. “Hey, stranger, are you the one responsible for making my sister speak up?”
He shouted out of the rolled down window. “Guilty. She kind of got pissed off and exploded.”
Cheryl laughed. “Thanks for pissing off my sister, Brooks.”
“Anytime, Cheryl. Anytime.”
When we walked inside of the house, Mama was sitting on the living room couch, watching television. “Maggie May,” Mama said, surprised. She stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug. Her hair was all over the place, and I swore she had chocolate on her chin. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too, Mama.”
She stumbled backward after hearing my voice. I gave her a small grin. “I know. That seems to be the main reaction today from people.”
“No. What. How? What?” She started hyperventilating. “Oh my gosh, Maggie May.” Her arms flew around me and she wouldn’t let go. “I don’t get it,” she said, flabbergasted. What changed?”
“Time.”
“Oh my gosh.” Her hands were shaking. “We have to tell Eric. We have to call him. He has to come over. Oh my God. He needs to be here for this.” She started pacing the house. “I can’t believe he’s missing this.”
“We should surprise him,” Cheryl suggested. “Like have him over for dinner.” Cheryl winked over at me. She was getting two birds with one stone: Daddy would hear my voice, and our parents would be in the same room together again.
“That’s…” Mama narrowed her eyes. “That’s actually a really good idea! I’ll order Chinese food! Cheryl! You call your dad and tell him to come over because you have big news about something.”
“On it!” Cheryl said, storming off to get her cell phone.
“And, Maggie, tell Brooks to come inside. He shouldn’t be sitting in his car for that long. Also…” She walked over to me and placed her hands against my cheeks. A weighted sigh left her lips. “You have a beautiful, beautiful voice. You always have, and I’m sorry I went so long without listening to it.” She kissed my forehead before hurrying away to set the table.
When Daddy arrived, he was confused to see Brooks and me there, but pleased. We all sat down to dinner, and Mama was too nervous to look at Daddy, and he hardly glanced over at her. Cheryl did most of the talking, which was something she was good at doing.
“Maggie May, can you pass me the egg rolls?” Daddy asked.
Mama looked up at me and nodded once.
I cleared my throat, picked up the egg rolls, and held them out in his direction. “Here you go, Daddy.”
“Thank you, sweet—” His words faltered. He looked up at me, his eyes locking with mine. Disbelief filled his tone. “No.”
I nodded and knocked on the table twice. “Yes.”
“Oh…oh my…” His hands flew to his chest as tears began to fall. He took off his glasses then covered his mouth with his hands. As his tears fell, more rolled down Mama’s cheeks. Daddy stood up, and I followed his stance. He walked over to me and combed my hair behind my ears. He rested his hands against my cheeks, the same way Mama had. “Say something else.” He laughed nervously. “Anything, really. Say anything, say everything, say the word nothing. Anything. Just say something else.”
I placed my hands against his face, holding his as he held mine, and I whispered the words I’d always wished to say to the first man who ever loved me with his all. “The world keeps spinning because your heartbeats exist.”
My family sat talking late into the night, laughing, crying, and making me say every single word in the dictionary. We Skyped with Calvin, who was in New York for business, and when he saw Brooks smiling, and he saw me speaking, he too began to c
ry. There were so many moments throughout the night where Mama and Daddy laughed at the same moments and fell apart together, too, yet they didn’t speak to each other. Even though I noticed the trembles in their lips, the stolen glances that they took, the love that still lived in their hearts.
“Well,” Daddy said around one in the morning. “I better get going.”
He stood up, and I glanced over at Mama, silently begging her to say something, but she didn’t speak up. She watched her love walk away again.
“What was that?” I asked her. “You need to go after him!”
“What? No. We are separated. We’re both exactly where we want to be,” Mama said.
“Lies!” Cheryl shouted. “Lies! When was the last time you showered, Mom?”
Mama paused, really thinking about her last shower. “I shower!” she claimed.
“Yeah,” Cheryl huffed. “In Ben and Jerry’s.”
“Your father’s happy, though. He seems happy.”
I gave her a knowing look. Of course he wasn’t happy. Part of his heart still beat inside of her chest. How could anyone be happy with a missing piece of their soul? “You should call him.”
Her eyes watered over, and she gave me a tight smile. “Oh no. No, I couldn’t. I…” Her voice shook, and her hands landed on her hips. “I wouldn’t even know what to say.”
“Do you miss him?”
She started crying, tears free falling down her cheeks. “More than words.”
“Then tell him.”
“I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say, or how to say it.”
I walked over to her and wiped her tears away. “Come on. Brooks will drive us over to Dad’s apartment. I’ll help you find the words to say on the way. You can have shotgun.”
Her body started to tremble, and I wrapped her into a tight hug, holding her close to me. As we approached the foyer, Mama froze. “I can’t.”