My body felt strange, new. Similar to the moment I became a siren, when I knew I should be feeling pain but was completely numb. That lack of sensation had now settled into normalcy for me; it was comfortable. But this was different, better than comfort. This was more than being happy or good. It was stronger. This was conflict and peace. I felt completely satisfied, but burned with a mysterious need. It was almost painful and impossible to name. The unknown urge burned slowly across my skin. My eyes became heavy. My lips parted.
Akinli’s face changed, too. Almost like yesterday, but deeper, hungrier. He must know what I was feeling. I ached to know what this was. I was dying to ask him.
“Kahlen,” he whispered, “I know you can’t really say no to this. If you want to, you can slap me afterwards.”
He bent in, slowly bridging the space between us, and kissed me. The burning wavered, but only slightly in the distraction of my worries. I prayed I could just be quiet. If I could just not make a sound, I’d be eternally grateful. My first kiss was finally happening, and I was too afraid to really enjoy it. I knew my body was tense, and I worried he was going to misread that as rejection. But I didn’t want to reject him at all! I liked it. I wanted more of it. It helped that painful, joyful burn, and made it worse in one action.
His lips were warm and soft. He was so strong, but he handled me with care. It wasn’t an intrusive kiss. It was slow, purposeful. After a moment, he pulled back, and looked into my face. His expression was wary, like he was wondering if he’d broken a law. The song changed again.
I had survived. I didn’t make a sound. Akinli was safe, I had been kissed, and She had no idea. This knowledge filled me suddenly, and I felt my heart start to race. The fire raged on, not even remotely quenched. I bit my lip. My chest heaved. He saw my excitement and kissed me again.
Akinli’s hand was already in my hair, and I reached up tangling both of my hands in his. His hair was soft in the back. I thought of the time I’d managed to get a wild rabbit close enough to let me pet it. I had to stretch up on tiptoe to reach his lips. Akinli put his arm around my waist to pull me into him. With my weight on his body it was easier, so we didn’t break apart.
That kiss led into another. His lips, using the tiniest force to guide me, opened mine, and I could taste his breath inside me. He made the smallest moan. I felt a little earthquake travel up my body at the sound. Moved by that shiver, I pushed myself into him. The kisses got harder, deeper. His tongue found his way into my mouth and mine into his. I couldn’t summon the rationale to be a lady.
No, all I wanted was to be less and less ladylike. The desire made my knees buckle, and I slipped away from him for a second. But his arms were around me, and pulled me back to him. In the second we were apart, I was startled into opening my eyes. I looked into his and felt absolutely weak.
The momentary pause didn’t slow him. He was kissing me again before I could catch my unnecessary breath. My legs refused to work. He let his bend, too, and we made our way down to the blanket. Akinli cradled me down, shifting so that he was mostly over me and kissed me on and on. His lips left mine and traveled up and down my throat. I heard myself breathing wildly but couldn’t stop it. No sound, I willed, no sound. He moved his mouth gently along my jaw line, kissing me behind my ear. I felt my hands dig into his back. He seemed to like that. He moved, and his hand fell off the blanket into the wet sand. When his hand came back to me, I felt the grit on the dress. Sorry, Julie. He kept making those delicious sounds, and I wished I could, too. I hoped my silence wasn’t hiding how much I absolutely wanted him.
For years, even just this morning, I had thought absolutely nothing could cripple this impenetrable body. Here it was.
A part of me was nervous that Akinli’s hands would go somewhere that would make me uncomfortable, but they stayed either on my back or in my hair. I loved both. Yes, he was being much too forward, but he was a complete gentleman at the same time. I pulled him closer to me. My fingers made a mess of his hair and tugged at his shirt. I just wanted more. I had no idea that this was in me all along.
I thought of the decades when I dreamed of being kissed. All of my faceless daydreams were little more than filling time. Simply being kissed would not have satisfied me. Only this man— this man that I adored with all that I was— would ever do. I didn’t ever want to be kissed by another person. I wanted, needed only Akinli.
If the song changed again, I missed it. My leg— without me meaning to do it— hooked itself around him, locking him to me. Akinli responded by somehow managing to hold me even tighter. He ground his body against mine one slow time. Another earthquake. He smelled like water and grass and air. He smelled like living. He tasted unimaginably delicious. Better than cake. And I drank it all in there, with the Ocean within yards of us and completely unaware. I would probably have to pay for this later. If She didn’t punish me, I would. I’d be haunted by the longing. I couldn’t possibly keep him.
But… maybe. Maybe I could.
I laid there— half beneath Akinli— and thought, I’ve done so much in this life. Surely there’s a way to make this work.
His lips moved again from my mouth to my jaw line and crept up to my ear, kissing my excited skin the whole way.
“Kahlen? Stay with me? Don’t leave. If someone comes for you, then fine. I’ll deal with that if I have to. But otherwise, I want you to stay here. Would you stay? ”
I pulled back to look at his face. He looked worried. Maybe afraid he’d said too much.
I want to stay with you forever, I thought. I love you. I love no one like I love you. I’d give you anything you wanted.
It passed through my head, and I knew it was true. Just like that, all of my armor was gone. Every defense I’d ever had fell to pieces. I was Akinli’s, and I couldn’t do anything to fight it. I thought about the people who had left him— his parents and that girl. I couldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t. Whatever he wanted from me, he was going to have.
I nodded my head.
His mouth was on mine again, moving slower now. And I kissed him back. I kissed him until it ached.
CHAPTER 10
I was surprised to find Akinli was right— no one took our shoes. We walked back to them in silence, the girls playing music giving up long before we did. He kissed me once more before starting the engine of his beloved Bessie. I gripped him tight as we rode back to the house. I felt alive in the small breeze his bike kicked up and tried to commit all of these feelings to memory.
Bliss settled in as we traveled. I didn’t have any sort of plan that would make it possible for me to stay yet, but I felt a new determination. I had never wanted anything like I wanted this, and I’d overcome the distance between humanity and myself in some aspect already. This could be done.
When we pulled up to the house, most of the lights were off. I was glad I didn’t have to face Julie like this— I could feel my hair sticking out at strange angles. And I could feel sandy wet splotches on her dress. I hoped I hadn’t ruined it. We crept in silently, Akinli holding my hand as he walked me to the guest room.
The door to the room was open, and I saw that Julie had left some girly pajamas for me. How sweet of her. Akinli lingered.
“I feel funny. Like I should say something, but…”
I covered his mouth with my fingers and slowly shook my head. He stared at me and nodded. What exactly were we saying just then? Did it matter so long as both of us understood? He took my wrist in his hand and pulled it away from his mouth. He bent down and gave me another excruciatingly wonderful kiss.
“Sleep,” he commanded me. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I smiled and watched him unwillingly back out of the room, looking at me until the closing door finally obstructed his view. My head swam. I put on Julie’s pajamas in a trance. I settled on the bed, watching the moon outside the window. I don’t know why, but my thoughts went to time.
r /> It didn’t make sense. Decades dragged on with nothing worth noting, and then days were so full of goodness I could barely hold onto it all. It took me years to bond with some of my sisters, but I was knit into Akinli within the first seconds I saw him. I had years of being unbreakably nineteen stretched out in front of me— women would kill for that luxury— but those years of being frozen while Akinli aged were my adversary. I felt certain that if I looked back, I could add up the time of significant moments of my life into less than a week’s worth of hours. And I was sure that if I had a guaranteed hundred more years, it wouldn’t be enough for me to have my fill of Akinli.
Time is a healer. Time is an antidote.
Time was my enemy.
I sat awake in bed, adding and subtracting hours. Value and waste, importance and irrelevance all weighed in new ways in my brain. I couldn’t rest, and I couldn’t calm down. I was anxious without a plan. I wanted to see Akinli again; he calmed me. I was already breaking rules, so what was one more? I climbed the stairs to Akinli’s room.
The stairs barely made noise when I moved. I was lighter than the boys. I heard Ben snoring on the one side of the hall where he and Julie shared a room. Across from it, I saw that Akinli’s door was slightly cracked. I peeked in and found him just as awake as I was, looking out the window.
“You too, huh?” he said with a smile. He lifted his blanket and whispered, “Come get in here.”
I left the door cracked and crawled into his bed. I settled in, curling up into a ball, my shins resting against his bent legs, arms crossed in front of my chest. He slid one arm under my neck, and the other wrapped around the middle of my back. We fit together like puzzle pieces. He rubbed my back in silence for a long time. All the confusion from earlier melted. I was in my place. Everything else could move, break— I wouldn’t notice or care.
For years I dreamed about falling in love. I had no idea it would feel like this. My own will, my own wants all vanished, and I didn’t miss them. I’d stay right here to make him happy. That was all I wanted. The desire was disconcertingly powerful.
His rough fingers traced my spine. It was so late, but he seemed alert. He watched me with anxious eyes, but he didn’t try to kiss me again. I wanted to try myself, but I just wasn’t brave enough to initiate it.
“Kahlen… I want to say something,” he finally said. He looked nervous, like he was struggling to find the right words. “I know I probably acted a little out of line tonight. I just… I don’t know. I liked you from the moment I saw you, and I got caught up there. I shouldn’t do things like that. I should have asked you first. I’m sorry about that.”
Sorry? Sorry for the best thing I’ve experienced? Ever? Don’t be sorry for that!
“I care about you. I really do. I just… I’ve had a rough year, and I should be more careful. Maybe you don’t feel about me the way I feel about you. We really don’t know each other. And I sort of had you cornered there. It’s not like you had anywhere to go if you didn’t want me to kiss you. And you probably feel a little obligated because, you know, I found you and all. I just want to say… just because we kissed… a lot… well, you’re not bound to me or anything. I mean, maybe you have a boyfriend already who you just can’t remember right now.”
He looked sad saying that out loud.
“But, if you want to stay, if you give me some time, I’d like to try. To be with you. To be together.” He looked scared. How could he think I didn’t like him? Didn’t he know how wonderful he was? I had no option besides silence, so the pause between us grew. He started to fidget.
“Could you… I don’t know, do something? Like, if you’re just not interested in me or think you’re already taken, could you tap your nose or something?” I smiled and kept my hands firmly tucked in between our chests. I felt him relax a little.
“Hmm. Okay… if you think you would like to stay and try to be together… uh… I don’t know… slap me in the face,” he said. I smiled wider. I tried not to think of whether or not I could, because he only asked if I would like to stay. And I did want to stay. So much. All I needed was a way to make it work. I was convinced there was an answer out there somewhere. I wasn’t about to slap him though, so I just rested my palm on his cheek.
“Not quite the sign I was looking for, but I’ll take it,” he said. He kissed my forehead. He stayed awake looking at me. I should have probably felt self-conscious, but I was completely at peace with him. As the minutes wore on in silence, his eyelids started to fall, and then he drew in a deep yawn. I could see the clock from where I was; he’d been awake nearly twenty-four hours.
“Will you stay up here? Be here when I wake up?”
I nodded. He finally slept.
I stayed awake most of the night thinking. It was easier to do with Akinli holding me. I watched his beautiful face, just happy to hear him breathe.
This was the end of it. I’d put up a decent fight, but I wasn’t going to win. This was love. I knew, just knew, that once I was back to my aging, breakable self, there was no way I was going to forget him. How could I? In the same way that I longed for love in this life, I would long for him in the next. There was no way around it anymore.
What would I give? What could I possibly bargain to stay with him? I had no leverage. I owned nothing that the Ocean wanted or needed, except my body. She might take that one day. She could have it, eventually, if it meant I could stay with him.
I had stayed with the schools for years at a time. Would I be able to do the same with someone who would be watching me infinitely closer? The students didn’t need me to talk. How would Akinli feel if my voice never returned? At the schools, I could ask for time off when the Ocean needed me. Could I ask time off from a friend? Or was he my boyfriend? What was I to Akinli? Surely I meant something to him— not just a person to fill his time or bed. I sensed he didn’t have the ability to treat anyone with such disregard. I wished he would do the honorable thing and just say it out loud!
But I didn’t care. If he felt a fraction of what I felt for him, it was enough. I imagined scenarios for over an hour and thought I might have something worth trying. And then, unable to pass up the experience, I fell asleep in Akinli’s arms.
Somewhere in the night we shifted, and in the morning I found myself resting with my back against his chest, his arms wrapped around me like he was protecting something fragile. I knew it was morning, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. I delayed us separating as long as I could.
“Oh my gosh!” I heard a whisper. “Ben! Ben, come here.” Julie had seen us through the open door. I heard Ben’s less cautious steps approach. I stayed still, imagining the awkward one-sided conversation that would follow if they knew I was up.
“Wow. I didn’t think she’d be that kind of girl,” Ben said.
“Don’t be stupid!” Julie breathed at him. “They’re both fully clothed, sleeping with the door open. It’s sweet. Besides, you know how Akinli is.”
“How he is doesn’t matter. A hot chick in your bed is always good.”
I heard Julie slap him somewhere, and they both went downstairs. I suddenly remembered I’d have to explain Julie’s dress to her. A few minutes passed, and I felt Akinli start to stir. I rolled over so that he would see I was where I promised I would be. When he opened his eyes, I was there.
We endured Ben’s suggestive comments through breakfast, Akinli insisting the whole time nothing happened while I nodded in silence. I wrote a note apologizing to Julie for all the sand on her dress, but she just looked like it was the best thing that had ever happened to an article of her clothing and told me not to worry.
There was work to be done, and Akinli and I had made for a late start. I wanted to stay with Akinli, to not miss any time with him, but he said that I should stay since he had a lot to do and wanted to catch up with Ben. I assumed catching up meant “tell him about kissing you and why you were in my bed.” I
really didn’t want to be there for that anyway.
“Besides,” he said, “I’ll be back in a few hours. It’s not that much today. It’ll give you a chance to miss me. And we’ll go out this afternoon; I think you should get to know your way around since you’re staying and all.” He grinned excitedly at the thought.
We were in the guest room as he was telling me this. I was still in my pajamas. The window was open, and the salty air blew in. The Ocean was still being quiet, which was good. I’d need to find a way to get back in Her good graces. My plans wouldn’t work without Her help. It was a long shot, but still.
Akinli pulled me in for a hug and held me for a minute. I was surprised by how natural this all felt. It was like I had always hugged him good-bye in the mornings, like this was our routine. I didn’t want to let him go, and as he pulled away he must have seen some of that on my face.
“Hey… are you okay? Do I need to stay?” he asked, touching my cheeks and forehead like he was checking to see if I had a temperature.
I grabbed for my notebook.
I’m just fine. Of course, you should go. Do everything you need to, hang out with Ben, take your time. I’ll see if Julie needs help here— she’s been so nice.
“Yeah, she’d probably love to have you around. I think she gets sick of us boys. But are you sure?”
I nodded enthusiastically. I just hated to lose the time, that was all. But it was ridiculous to think he’d spend every waking moment with me. Besides, I could spare him for a few hours. If I managed to break away from Julie, I could go talk to the Ocean. Maybe She’d feel like She owed me one at this point. I could play that up.
“Alright, you just have to promise you’ll miss me, okay?”