I put my hand to his face, brushing a piece of his long hair out of his eyes. I nodded with a meaningful look on my face. I hoped he would understand just how much I agreed.
“I should have known you’d be great about this. You’re too good for me, Kahlen.” He looked at me with love in his eyes, and I wished he would just say it.
Please! I willed. Tell me you love me!
No such luck.
“Give me a kiss goodnight,” he said.
I went up on tiptoe to reach his lips and kiss him. He kissed me back, putting one hand high on my waist. The kiss connected to another.
And another.
Heat. Earthquakes. Dizziness.
The space between our bodies disappeared. I toppled backwards into the doorframe, feeling the weight of his body against me. His arms and chest were so muscular. It wasn’t for show like it was with some men; Akinli had earned this body. This somehow made it even sexier to me.
As always, he was warm. I could feel his temperature where my bare arms touched his skin and on my hands that were tangled into intricate knots in his hair. His hands that had been high on my waist slid down and were now resting high on the backs of my thighs. Tomorrow that thought would make me embarrassed. Right now, it only made me want him more.
Like last night, one of my legs hooked around him unintentionally, and he willingly took that invitation to come even closer in. I felt lightheaded. That unexplainable weakness rose in me again. I felt like I might pass out. I wondered if I was capable of that. I was lost in my wanting him when I suddenly felt his hands turn into fists.
Akinli stumbled away from me, and that took some effort with my leg still in place. I looked at him with guilt in my eyes, like a child caught doing something they were specifically told not to.
“See?... I’m not…” He sighed. “Okay. Sorry, Kahlen. I’ll see you in the morning.” He gave me a peck on the cheek and dashed up the stairs, running his hands through his hair.
Why did he have to be such a good kisser? It was all his fault. Stupid fisherman. Stupid, sexy fisherman. Stupid, sexy, wonderful fisherman. Who was I kidding? Who do you blame when there is no sin?
Wait… Was I a good kisser, too? I mean, he seemed just as drawn in as I was. Maybe I was! Imagine that.
I wanted to apologize for not being more guarded, but I had just told him I’d stay downstairs, and I didn’t want to disobey. My apology would wait for the morning. I walked in the door of my room and put on the pajamas I had left folded on the chair. Then I turned and saw something resting on my pillow: a small box and a note. I caught my name written on the top of the page.
Kahlen-
I thought you might get upset if I did too much. But you’re special to me, so you should have something special from me. I hope it’s a good representation of something I know you like and the change I’ve felt since you came. I’m so happy you’re staying.
Yours, Akinli
I knew he had disappeared for too long today, I knew it! When did he manage to sneak this in here? I opened the box, and on the cottony fluff at the bottom was a thin necklace with a tiny charm: a glittering, silver leaf.
Perfect! Just perfect! If I had gone myself, I don’t think I could have chosen anything better. I raced to the mirror and tried it on. It was so small and delicate. It wasn’t obnoxious— the way some girls’ jewelry was— and only the two of us would understand it. I hated that he spent who knows how much on this, but I really did love it.
I quietly went out into the kitchen and rummaged through the junk drawer I discovered while cleaning this morning. There it was— a thick marker. I found paper and wrote as large of letters as would fit on the page. I hoped it would be big enough. I went back into my room and crawled out the window onto the porch. From there, I walked down the steps to the open space that was their back yard.
The light was already off in his room, but I’d bet all kinds of money I didn’t have that he was laying there awake. I picked up a rock and threw it gently at his window. It hit. I saw a shadow move. I threw another rock. He saw where the sound came from this time and went over to the widow. He pulled it open and stuck his smiling face out into the night. I held up my sign.
THANK YOU
I saw his eyes catch the glittering at my neck. His face was glowing.
CHAPTER 11
I was at home here now. I knew it because the next few days passed with me as a part of the regular motions. One morning, after Akinli came into my room to kiss me good-bye I found myself alone in the house. They trusted me here alone. I wasn’t sad to be by myself. Looking around, I felt the presence of my adopted family in every room. Julie’s knitting bag was full to the brim with yarn in one corner. Ben had left his half-full glass of milk on the coffee table. The book Akinli had been reading the night before was left open and face down on the arm of a chair, not bothering with a bookmark. They were with me as I sat in the silent house.
Because no one was here to hear it, and because I ached to say it out loud so badly, I spoke.
“I love you all so much,” I said into the air.
I wanted them to continue to trust me, so I tried to be useful while they were gone. I cleaned up the kitchen, which was something that needed to be done more than once in a day. Ben and Akinli were like tornadoes around food. I did some of Akinli’s laundry; I knew where his dirty clothes were and Julie had shown me how to work the washer that day we stayed home alone. I tried to tidy the house, but it didn’t all go smoothly. Ben and Akinli came home to find me battling with the vacuum cleaner. Akinli just smiled.
Julie took bunches of her clothes and put them in the dresser in my room. She even went out and bought personal things I hadn’t thought about needing— like a real toothbrush. We went out for a walk, the whole family, and Ben draped an arm around my shoulder. I knew that was as much of a welcome from him as his manliness would permit, and it meant the world to me. We went to visit the lighthouse. I climbed over the rocks with Akinli, watching the sky change colors at sunset. Some families sat at picnic tables in the area. I liked it here.
I was surprised when we left to see a memorial to the fishermen lost in the harbors of St. George. I thought this place was so small that the number would have to be practically insignificant. But I was just getting used to the town; maybe I was wrong.
One afternoon, while Akinli and I were watching yet another one of his ridiculous movies, we laid down on the couch. I found myself wedged between him and the back pillows with an arm and a leg draped across him. I don’t remember falling asleep; I certainly didn’t make the decision to. I woke up and the movie was over. The TV was going, and Ben and Julie were sitting in the room, too. Ben was in the chair, eyes locked on the TV. Julie was curled up with her knitting. She stretched and rubbed her stomach and went back to her work. I looked up at Akinli’s face, and he seemed completely alert.
“Hey there, gorgeous,” he whispered. His hand was tracing slow lines down my arm.
I must have looked confused.
“I just couldn’t wake you up. You look so beautiful when you sleep.”
I smiled.
He must love me. I felt radiant.
When Thursday came, I celebrated a tiny anniversary internally. A week ago tonight, Akinli had found me. No one was looking for me, which had them all surprised. Akinli was more and more certain each day that I was staying for good. I could do this. It wasn’t so bad to have to be quiet. And I was careful.
I still hadn’t gone to the Ocean yet. I was afraid of Her reaction. It was sort of like talking myself into speaking to Her that first time all over again. I kept telling myself She would be kind, but after how everything happened with Jillian, I didn’t know if I could trust that to be true. I had to build up a little more courage.
Friday was a lazy day. Akinli and I crawled out of his window and sat on the roof of the porch. We laid out blankets,
he pulled a radio out on the window sill, and we read books to pass the hours. Julie had tried to get me into a two-piece bathing suit, but I just couldn’t do it. Streaking in the dark was one thing, but being half-naked in front of Akinli was another. I settled for a tank top and shorts, and he eyed me enough as it was in those.
It was pleasant outside. We didn’t speak too much, but he did give me a nervous look at one point in the day and asked, “Do you really like it?”
He was looking at my necklace. Again. I didn’t bother with a nod. I kissed him. I was tired of letting him pick when we kissed. He didn’t seem to mind. We sank back into silence for a while. A question had been brewing in me since he’d spoken the words, and I wasn’t sure if it was either appropriate or important to ask. But there on the roof, my curiosity won out.
You said the other day you wanted to do things right with me… does that mean you’ve done it wrong before?
I was going to have to rewrite that; it sounded too vague. But he understood. I knew because he looked ashamed.
“I don’t suppose you would even remember if you’ve had boyfriends or not, or, if you had, what you’ve done. But I want you to know even if you weren’t exactly innocent, I wouldn’t be bothered by it. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like that you seem to be though. I really like that about you. You’re sweet and modest. It’s refreshing.
“But, yeah, I’ve got a bit of a history there. I’ve slept with three girls. The first two were in high school, back when it was just something you did. Sex didn’t really mean much to me at the time. I mean, it was fun, but it wasn’t special. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
He looked at me, and I nodded. I thought I understood what he meant.
“Ok. Umm, so the third girl was my only serious girlfriend. We dated for two years in college, right up until my parents died. I don’t know if I told you about her, but yeah, we were really involved. I thought she was the one, you know? So we thought we’d be together forever. But I think that sleeping with her made the end worse. I was older, so it was important. Everything was so personal, so I thought I’d see if she was unhappy with me; I thought we were so connected.
“I’m telling you, she dumped me out of nowhere.
“That was months ago. I wasn’t really looking for anyone after that. Finding you was a surprise.” He smiled at me, forgetting what he was saying for a moment.
“Anyway, I didn’t feel anything with the girls I didn’t care about, and I felt awful later with the girl I cared about most. I made the decision to wait now, not knowing who would come along or when. And I know it’s soon to say it, but I really like you.”
His face was sincere. He hadn’t said love yet, but maybe that was something he was saving up, too. Just because he didn’t say it doesn’t mean he didn’t feel it. We were guarding our bodies, and it seemed pretty obvious how we both felt about that. But I couldn’t know for sure.
“And, if you and I don’t work out, I don’t want there to be any regret. If some guy shows up tomorrow claiming he’s your fiancé or whatever, we could still be friends.” I eyed him skeptically.
“Well, mostly friends.” He leaned in and kissed my neck. Shivers.
“Anyway, that’s what I mean. I just don’t want you to regret anything, and I don’t want to be that close to you if someone comes to take you back to wherever you came from. I’d be sad enough as it is. That’d just make it worse.”
It was hard to hear about him doing things with others that he wouldn’t do with me.
Yet. I kept telling myself that “yet” would come. I couldn’t sit here and compare myself to these faceless strangers. They weren’t here anymore. I was. Besides, his reasoning was for my protection as much as it was for his. I appreciated the care he took with me.
Thank you for being honest. I really just wanted to understand.
“Thanks for being so cool about it. Don’t hold any of that against me, do you?”
No, of course not! Not anymore than you would hold my past against me.
I knew that was the right comparison. I could tell in his face that I could burn the house down, and he’d just get out marshmallows and thank me for the lovely flame. I’m not sure I could make a mistake big enough for him not to forgive.
I think your decision is very wise. I’m sorry you had to get hurt to make it though.
“Thank you. Well, umm, like you said, it totally wouldn’t matter, but do you know if you’ve ever…”
Ha! Based on how nervous I get when you touch me, I’d say no.
He chuckled. “Yeah, you do sort of flip out. It’s kind of cute.”
I couldn’t hide the blush. Inexperience made me feel as pure as the snow one second and as dumb as a post the next. Oh well. I wished I could laugh about it like he was. I suppose it was kind of funny. I wish I could make any comment on the subject. If we could talk about this, we could talk about anything. Well, almost anything. And not talk so much as scribble.
Does it bother you that I can’t speak? That I may never speak?
He pondered that one for a long while. He ran his hand through his hair and down his chin. It must have bothered him then. I didn’t need for him to say anything now. But after a moment, he did.
“Kahlen, I don’t mind communicating with you on paper. And, I was thinking, since it looks like you’ll be staying, I’m going to learn sign language. It seems like you already know it, so I’d just have to figure out what all those moves mean, and that’ll make things even easier. I don’t care how we communicate, I’m just happy that we do. And, I know you might not believe this, but you say things all the time. I can see it. Right now, you’re upset. Because you think I’m upset. Because you think I’m disappointed.”
Yes, that’s exactly how I felt.
“And maybe I am a little disappointed, but not because I think it’s harder this way or even weird. It’s for totally selfish and kind of embarrassing reasons, honestly.”
My attention piqued, and he could tell.
“You’re gonna’ make me explain that, aren’t you?”
I nodded. He sighed.
“It’s just… ugh, this is so embarrassing. I… I just want to hear you. I get your expressions and your body language; I think I understand you pretty well. But, well, I want to know what your laugh sounds like. Not this breathy one, which I honestly love, but the one you had before now. And this is totally egotistical, and I get that, but I want to hear you say my name. I want to know what it sounds like when you say it.”
He was looking down, playing with a piece of the blanket. I wished I could offer some sort of consolation, but all I had were hands full of silence.
“Do I want all that? Yeah. Do I need all that? No. I like you just how you are.” He gave me a serious stare. “No-talking, half-named, washed-up-by-the-surf Kahlen. This girl here. That’s who I know, and that’s who I care about. I don’t need anything else.”
Good-bye, decorum! I lunged at him.
After spending hours hidden together in the sun, we fled inside to the comfort of the house. Ben and Julie were talking about the evening. After last week’s episode, Evan wasn’t invited over for their usual Friday night get-together. Ben was surprised he hadn’t heard from Evan; he wasn’t expecting an apology, but a rant seemed in order. Kristen had called earlier in the day to say that she and John had plans. So it looked like it was going to be just the four of us. And I couldn’t be more pleased; I liked it being just us.
“I’ve got to get some groceries though. I want to make lasagna. I figured we could have a nice big dinner together,” Julie said, scribbling down her list.
“We’ll do it,” Akinli offered, looking in my direction for approval. He had it. “It’s good for Kahlen to get to know the village.”
“Actually, I think we’re going to need more than you can get at the general store.”
“That
’s fine. We’ll still go.” He looked to ask me again.
Yes, I’ll go, goofball.
I knew the drive out of town. Akinli turned up the radio and sang along to the music. As someone who sings for a living, sometimes it’s easy to forget that music makes most people happy, that it was meant to express more than impending doom. Akinli didn’t have a perfect voice, but it was a happy one. It was just one more thing on the list of reasons I adored him.
I was trying to start a list of reasons I didn’t adore him, too. It was short. He burped too often, and that bothered me. Also, I questioned his taste in movies. I liked that he had some sort of imperfections in my eyes. He wasn’t some prince in a book. He was an average guy with an average job who I loved in an above average way. It reminded me he was real.
We made it to the larger supermarket outside of town, and Akinli held my hand across the parking lot. It wasn’t too full. He grabbed a shopping cart as we entered the automatic doors.
“Would you like a ride, my lady?” He gestured that I should get into the cart. Why the heck not? He lifted me into the cart and pushed me along the edge of the store to the front corner.
“Before we do any serious shopping, ladies and gentlemen, I think we’re going to need a time trial for our vehicle today.” He made the sound of a revving engine.
I put up my hands to protest. He paused. Then, like I remembered Elizabeth doing, I pulled down my imaginary sun visor, checked my hair, flipped it back up, and grabbed my invisible steering wheel. He laughed outright at that. He revved again. And then, in a flash, he took off.
My hands fell from the fake steering wheel to grab the front of the cart. He turned down the maze of fruits and vegetables, making a figure eight. He then twisted down one aisle and up the next taking us back to the front of the store. He went along the side again, taking a sharp turn at the back of the store. And there, in the middle of that harmless and ridiculous moment, everything shifted.