“Kahlen?” he called louder. All was quiet. “Oh, no,” he said going back inside.
I ran to hide behind the closest house. Looking back, I saw the lights come on in every room, downstairs and up. A moment later it was Julie’s voice on the porch calling my name. She went back inside, looking nervous. With the night to hide me, I turned and ran full out to the open Sea.
CHAPTER 12
Hitting the water was a terrifying relief. I felt the sobs come right away, but She was too happy that I came back to notice. For a few seconds the Ocean showered me with that happiness and begged me for forgiveness. She really did feel terrible about me losing Jillian. If I had asked Her for anything with Akinli, I’ll bet She would have caved. It would have taken a lot of persuasion, but I would have had Her help.
Maybe. What the hell did I know anymore? Every thought that entered my head was wrong and backwards. My stupidity only added to my sadness, and I cried even more fiercely.
The Ocean fell into silence as She felt the enormity of my conflict and sorrow. The sobs grew into wails as I could finally, fully unleash my voice. The noise seemed completely indecent. Even I shied away from the sound.
She begged me to explain, but my words were lost. I couldn’t think. All I could do was cry. Knowing that leaving was best didn’t make it any easier to do. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could just go back. Crawl in the open window that led to my room in my home.
Except She had a firm hold on my body, and I knew I couldn’t win. Besides, this was for the best. I loved Akinli, and now I had lost him forever. But, really, was this anything new? When the enormity of it had passed, when I settled into the normalcy of losing someone else I loved, I calmed and spoke.
Do You remember the boy a few months ago? The handsome one throwing stones on the beach?
She did.
He found me. I ran into the woods to be alone after I left You. I wasn’t sure where I was going or what I was doing. I was thinking of going to Jillian’s funeral, but it just seemed wrong. So I just sat there. And then he just appeared. He found me crying and thought I was lost. He took me home; he introduced me to his family. I spent time with him.... I fell in love.
Did anyone figure out that I was different? Of all things that happened, this would be Her main concern.
No, no. None of them suspected a thing. They thought my silence was a reaction to some sort of trauma that I pretended I couldn’t remember.
Was I sure?
Positive. There was nothing about my actions that could have been read as something extraordinary. I slept and ate; I remembered to breathe. The only thing was the dress. It got left behind, but I told them I had abused it so much it was bound to crumble. We’re all safe, I promise.
She apologized for interrupting me. She told me to take my time, to let it out, to tell Her everything.
So I did. I told Her about being found and how sweet Akinli was to me. I told Her about his parents dying, and how the first time I saw him must have been the day of their funeral. I told Her how Ben and Julie were so welcoming, first taking him in, and then me. I explained how Akinli defended me in the middle of the night, saving me from this terrible person, not to mention myself. I told Her about how he kissed me— how absolutely perfect my first kiss was, how I loved it. I shared with Her about my book and my necklace, and how much it meant to me to have something that was truly my own. I told Her that I felt like I was a part of a family. It was a whole new kind of love. I was happy.
Then I explained how he pushed me around in a shopping cart for fun, and how my one peal of laughter brought my situation back to me. I explained about Casey coming back. How he seemed a little unsure, but that she was obviously the better option. I was sure he’d give her a real chance if I left. So I did.
I was going to stay. I had a plan. I thought maybe I could stay with him a few years and then fake my own death. I thought that since You and I talk so often, I’d be able to plan how to leave to sing without him noticing. I was doing so well at staying quiet, and we communicated so easily. But that one laugh… I just… I knew I couldn’t stay.
She was pleased I came to this decision on my own because She would have had to deny me. And She would have been sad to have to hurt me again. But there was no way around it— a situation like that would eventually go too far. I was lucky it was only a laugh because it could have been so much worse.
Something in that sounded off.
Has anyone ever let that happen? Let it get too bad?
Yes, someone had.
I know there are some things You prefer not to tell me, but I think this is a story I need to hear.
She was reluctant to admit it, but I did need the warning. Her name was Amelia, and she had been a siren hundreds of years ago. She fell in love with a sailor and had made a plan similar to mine. He wasn’t going to be able to stay with her very long, but, like me, she thought anything was better than nothing. The sailor merely thought Amelia was deaf. Typically, this would have been seen as a flaw, considering the era, but she was so beautiful that it was easily overlooked.
My long lost sister had been desperately happy. The Ocean remembered the strength of Amelia’s feelings; it was very near mine.
Amelia was in the middle of this stretch of time— only a few months in her case— when she accidentally let her hand rest in an open flame. Her beau noticed this. He saw that she didn’t burn or feel the pain of it. Amelia noticed her gaffe too late. He started watching her more closely. And this was a time when humans were much more afraid of the abnormal— vampires and witches were a reality to them. They assumed she was a witch. They hunted her.
Oh my goodness! What happened?
The Ocean happened. In situations where the rules were breached there were usually only three options. If it was something small, more time would be added. The number of years depended on the degree of the infraction. That rarely happened because breaking the rules wasn’t usually something small. In all Her years the Ocean had never ended up in a situation where more time fixed the problem. This case, like the others, went to the other two options: Either Amelia or the man would have to be destroyed. He had told a few people about Amelia’s oddities, and she, distracted by her feelings, was much less guarded with herself.
Which did You choose?
She took the man and his mob. They chased Amelia out into the open water, and for the safety of Her daughter and Her own great secret, the Ocean dragged them down. She was satisfied with that, but Amelia was not. Her heart was broken, and she didn’t want to live. She asked to die, and the Ocean consented.
You killed her?!
Amelia’s life was one that was already meant to have been lost in Her waters. If someone didn’t want to live, like Ifama, She had no scruples about taking what She felt was already Hers. It was hard to do, and She didn’t like it; it hurt more than taking the random lives that passed through Her. She knew Amelia and cared for her. It’s like losing a child when one of us leaves, which is why She tries to be careful when choosing, why there are so few. To take a life like that as opposed to simply letting her go… it genuinely pained Her. But it was what Amelia wanted, and it broke no rule, so She allowed it. The Ocean was relieved that I had gotten out before my situation reached such a level.
I thought about Amelia, my unknown sister, and her decision. She chose death when the person she loved most died. I thought about this new feeling I had. Possessive, unyielding, compelling. I had debated asking for death if I would have to live my next life remembering him, to ask for that mercy instead of more pain. But this was a new scenario entirely. If it had come down to the same point— if Akinli somehow feared me, and that fear cost him his life— I would make the same choice Amelia made. I wouldn’t hesitate. Existing somewhere away from him was hard enough, but living in a world where he didn’t exist at all… I wouldn’t live in that world. The Ocean saw that in my thoughts, and ple
aded with me not to think that.
I’m sorry. I’m a bit surprised myself. I didn’t know how much I loved him. But I guess it should be obvious— I love him enough to leave him.
She was freshly grateful for my choice.
I’m sure it won’t be too hard for him. I know he cared about me, but I don’t know how deep his feelings went. He yielded to Casey easily enough. I’m sure he’ll forget all about me. After all, it was only a few days.
I paused. I was choked up for a moment.
I’ll remember him though. I’ll keep my little necklace and think about the best of him. But that’s all.
Remembering was fine. She had no problem with that.
I needed to switch gears.
Can You take me to Miaka and Elizabeth?
She could, but I might not want to go. They were in London.
Oh… where’s Aisling?
Same place she always is, but she would make me feel worse. No doubt.
Yes, You’re probably right... Take me to London. I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for. I’m not holding out on this one anymore.
Before She took me away, She wanted me to know that She truly regretted how things ended with Jillian, that I didn’t get more time. And She was sorry that that incident only led me to further sadness with Akinli.
I think about Jillian, and it does make me sad. She just had such a bright future. Nothing could hold her back. I admired her so much. But here, if You want to make amends with me, I’d like to start a scholarship at the school. That would make me happy— that someone who would have had a hard time attending could go there otherwise. That would mean a lot to me since there’s no way for me to properly say good-bye. Instead, I’ll let others know her.
She said I was full of good ideas today. An anonymous donation in Jillian’s memory to the school shouldn’t be a problem. She started pushing me forward, and the last bits of Julie’s pajamas fell away. It stung. I still had my necklace, but taking off those clothes was like shedding the skin of the girl I had been for a week. I liked that girl. I envied her life. I mourned as miles of water separated her and me.
And then I remembered— she doesn’t exist.
As far as Akinli is concerned… that’s my fault, not Yours. I could have run away, but I didn’t. If I had guarded myself like You told me to, I wouldn’t be going through this at all. It’s agonizing, I can’t hide that, but then, there’s something else to it, too. I’ve lived a hundred years, and those few days were the most wonderful and most painful of the thousands I’ve seen. But I’ll only remember them for nineteen more years. Then they’ll disappear with all the horrified faces and terrible screams of all the people I’ve wronged. I only have to know about him for a little while longer, right?
Yes, it should all go. The less I thought about it, the easier it would fade.
That’s good to know. Thank You.
She seemed pained by that speech. She asked, since so much of what pained me was tied to Her, if I’d be glad to forget Her, too. She seemed sad.
Honestly? No. Yes, because of what I do for You I’ve seen some awful things. But think of everything I’ve done. Without You there would have been no Italian sunsets or walks in the rainforests. None of the sisters or the kids from the deaf schools. Even losing Akinli… at least I got to know someone like him exists. I’ve lived through a hundred adventures that I couldn’t have been brave enough or physically able to do without You. I’m grateful for that. Marilyn always said the things we got to achieve were like a second gift, an addition to getting to live. She was right.
And I’m grateful for You. Just You. You have been like a mother to me. You’ve guided me through genuine confusion and sadness. You encouraged me to try things, to pursue. Even now, You’ve had plenty of cause to be upset with me because of my actions… but You comfort me instead.
I hope when I leave I somehow keep a part of You and me. Yes, You’ve hurt me. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But I can’t waste time being mad at You. I really do love you. I know I never said it, but I thought You knew. I’ve loved You for a long time— since Pawleys Island. I should have said it before, but I’m only just learning how important it is to say what you mean when you know you should.
She was delighted. She loved me, too. More than any of the others out of all Her sad history, I had been the most comfort, and I would be the one She would miss the most. She wanted me to know that.
I cried again. It wasn’t the same as before, but it somehow all melted together. The last few days had held too many emotions for me. It took me a long time to calm down. But once I did, I made myself stay there. I knew I had to be braver now. I had to go be with my sisters.
It’s okay for me to keep my necklace, right? Marilyn kept her engagement ring…
Yes, the necklace was no trouble. But I should refrain from mentioning its ties to Akinli. In fact, I shouldn’t mention him at all. Miaka and Elizabeth caused enough mischief of their own. They didn’t need to know that I had faced a relationship and made it out unscathed; it might actually encourage them to try. That was too true. So I promised to never say his name to anyone but Her. I hoped that I’d never even think his name again, but that was too much to ask.
She gave Miaka and Elizabeth notice I was coming, and they met me in the wee hours of the London night. To not stick out in my lavish dress next to their very current clothing, we escaped the streets quickly to the flat that they were currently borrowing.
A borrowed life…
Tomorrow I would investigate this city the way it was meant to be seen. I tried not to look around too much as we headed inside. It wasn’t hard to ignore.
“We’re so glad you came back to us,” Miaka told me. She wasn’t tall enough to reach my shoulders, so her arms wrapped around my waist.
“We were worried about you. I mean, we could barely bring ourselves to party in your absence.” Always count on Elizabeth for a joke.
“We did do some sightseeing,” Miaka confessed sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure how long you’d be gone. I thought it would be months, maybe even years.” I felt so bad for hurting them. I needed them now more than ever. I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
“I’m so sorry. To both of you. I should have been more open about my past, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you when I left. Good-byes… well… they break my heart.” My voice broke on the last word, and the tears came again. “I’m sorry. I need to rest a little.”
My sisters attributed my grief to the loss of Jillian. I felt a little ashamed because the emotion I felt for her had been pushed to the background— almost entirely out of my heart— by the amount of space Akinli required there. But I knew I had a plan to keep her memory alive, and that comforted me. Miaka, however, did notice my necklace when I finally got out of bed after resting, not sleeping.
“That’s very pretty. Where did you get it?” she asked the next morning.
“I found it. I really love autumn, and since it was so small the Ocean said I could just keep it.”
This little bit of silver tied me to a person a long ways away. I thought about him all that morning. What time was it in Port Clyde? What was he doing now? Had Casey stayed? Was Julie mad at me? Did he miss me?
These first few hours of my permanent separation from the person who would be the love of my life— no matter how many lives I had— were painful in the acute. I felt a sense of isolation and hopelessness that I could only trace back to the feeling of being alone in the Sumatran forest. That was a time I’ve refused to think about because I sank into the worst of myself there. I was terrified, alone, broken.
But that was nothing. Those two weeks in Sumatra were afternoon walks on a summer day. It was a warm bath or a welcoming bed. Those two weeks I would have taken again and again with joy if it meant that I could trade them for what I felt now.
This was night, pitch black and empty
. There was nothing here to see or feel, no kind sun coming to end it. There was no soft place to rest my head, no partner there to keep the dark at bay. I was alone.
And I couldn’t even deal with that feeling because I had to put on my brave face for my sisters. What had I said it was like? Pulling on a familiar coat? Well, set the coat on fire and fill the pockets with lead. That was what I wore in the face of my sisters.
Miaka and Elizabeth showed me all the sights they had taken in over the last week. I saw it all, too: Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, the famous London Bridge. It was all beautiful, but I could not focus on it. After all this time, it was just another place I’d seen.
After all this time…
I used to spend my time only noticing years. How many years had it been since I became a siren? How many years to go before I was free? But everything was different now. I felt hours and minutes. They ticked past with excruciating slowness. I didn’t know that time could feel like this. It bothered me. It made me feel isolated.
Miaka and Elizabeth were not surprised that I didn’t seem as taken in by the city as they were. Again, the loss of Jillian was my excuse. I tried to keep it together for them. If we were going to spend nearly two more decades together, I needed to be a better companion. I didn’t think I’d want to do it all alone, like Aisling did. But maybe she had something right.
Aisling didn’t let herself get attached to anyone. I’d bet this whole life hurt a lot less for her because she made herself a rock. No one could touch her, no one could break her. If I could work up the nerve next time we were together, I would ask her how she managed this. She was almost done with this life. Surely she wouldn’t begrudge passing the secret of her survival on to me.
And even though I could talk to the Ocean, She couldn’t stand my misery. When I came to Her crying, She could barely hold in Her own sorrow. She had to manage a whole planet, and here I was with my long lost love issues. I would have born it alone if I could have managed a way.
While my sisters weren’t bothered by my mellow attitude, they were surprised that I took up sleeping regularly. They would be dressed up, ready to go to some party they managed to discover, but I would be pulling off my clothes to get under the covers. It was as unnecessary as ever, but it held the secret advantage of dreaming. I didn’t see him every time I slept, but most times.