If it was nineteen years until my new life began, that meant that I was now a hundred years old. He was the singularly most beautiful thing I had seen in a hundred years. My heart sped up, and I felt anxious. I actually had to pause and check my breathing. What was happening to me? Didn’t I have more self-control than this?
I tried not to stare at him as he approached. When he was a few steps away, he picked up another rock in his hands. I looked up at him. His face was marked with sadness but still very handsome.
“Hello,” he said and smiled.
It was a shy smile, but it pierced me. I was so taken off guard that I almost spoke back. But I got a hold of myself and just smiled. Thank goodness! When he passed to the other side of me, I waited a moment before I allowed myself to peek up at him. When I did, I discovered that he was looking back at me! I felt a tickle in my chest. Our eyes met for a moment, and then he quickly turned his attention to the rock in his hand and threw it out into the water. I was suddenly wishing that I was wearing something better than damp, sandy clothes. What must he think of me, fully clothed, wet-haired, and sitting halfway in the surf?
The Ocean brought me back to reality. Admiring was one thing, but it was a bad idea to let my mind be affected so strongly by a stranger. Who cares what he thinks? I needed to guard myself, She said, or I was putting several people in danger.
You’re right. I know You are. I’m sorry.
And She was. No small interaction should have such power over me. And I would have felt so much shame if I had failed Her after She’d done so much for me. Besides, with only nineteen years to go, why risk anything? It would be stupid with the end so close. Follow the rules, keep the secret, and be obedient; I willed myself into finishing well.
Still, I looked up at him one more time as he walked away.
Later, I remembered with clarity that stranger’s face. His figure and features came back to me with ease. I broke one of my own rules, one I even had in my days as a human: I let the stranger star in my daydreams for months after that.
I thought about holding his hand, imagined kissing him. I wondered over and over what his name could be, trying to remember what the popular American boy names were right now. He kept me company. His timid, sad smile stayed in my head on those dark nights when I neither needed nor wanted sleep. I did close my eyes, but in my head my eyes were open. And they were looking into his.
Within four months, the Sea called us to Her aid. I knew it was coming, so I had taken a break from volunteering. The summer had come and gone, and I hated leaving for any length of time so close to the start of the school year, but I genuinely needed it. I told the staff I was taking some time off to visit my family. To make it look more authentic, I packed up the few outfits I had in my room there into a small bag. I’d leave it in the woods somewhere to retrieve later. Or maybe I’d donate them. It was almost time for the seasons to change, so I’d need clothes that looked warmer. I went by Jillian’s room on the way out, but she wasn’t there. I hoped that maybe she was out with friends somewhere discussing how things were going with Micah. I was pleased to learn he had written her over the summer. I scribbled a note explaining my sudden absence.
Hey Jillian!
I’m off visiting family. I should be back soon. You have fun, and I will, too. Then we can trade stories when I come back.
Love ya!
Katie
I slid it under her door and left to go face my task. I was actually glad I missed her. I had a hard time saying good-bye, even if it was just for a little while. And my job took some mental preparation for me, even now. I was sad for days before and after; I was better off alone.
I went to meet my sisters in the warm waters off the coast of Florida. This was also known as the location of the mysterious Bermuda Triangle. Once this myth began, we used it to our advantage. Though I’d never seen anything to rival the experience of the Kobenhavn, here we could take down ships, and this modern world would accept its disappearance as an unanswerable mystery. The simplicity of the mind I was to inherit… I admired it and found it comical at the same time.
Two of my sisters greeted me warmly, swimming into a frenzy at my arrival. Aisling, as always, kept her distance. She looked more and more miserable as the years passed. I don’t know what she had to worry about anymore; she knew how to do this job better than any of us and only had four years to go until she was free from it. Maybe she really just disliked our company. It had been decades, and by now I should just ignore her. She’d be out of my life soon enough as it was.
The Ocean wanted us to go a few miles south of where we had met. After a short swim, we climbed up and stood gracefully on the water. We assumed our provocative positions, the details of our task now like second nature. Aisling always chose to lie on her side. Elizabeth embraced Miaka, much like I had when we met. They were so close now; Elizabeth and Miaka were always on the same page. Miaka had not only come out of her shell, but destroyed it and walked away without looking back. I thought of our escapades. I missed them. My time would be up soon; I should spend some more of it with my sisters.
To vary the levels, I sat on my knees and fanned out my dress. It was aqua today, as tropical as the air that lifted our hair and ruffled our hems. And when She urged us on, we sang. It was late in the day, so the setting sun backlit the boat as it came towards us from the west. It’s on its way out, starting a trip, I thought suddenly, just like mine. I banished the thought and focused on the song though it did not need my attention. Eighty years had passed, and some days I felt as guilty as if my ship went down yesterday.
The boat was a jagged shadow on the Ocean’s beautiful curves. It was a few miles away when it started to tilt to one side. It was sinking slowly, but not so slow that a rescue would help. The ship took on more and more water for some unknown reason, and people began jumping overboard. A handful made it to the boats on the far side, the side that wouldn’t see the four mysterious women and tell tales later.
I was close enough to see the faces of individuals, but I meticulously guarded my gaze. As usual, some swam towards us, but they started breathing the water and never finished their trek. The boat was a distorted triangle hanging on air, a few moments away from disappearing.
She told us we could stop, so we unanimously ended our song. And once we were silent, I heard her.
The sound wouldn’t have made any sense to anyone else, but after years of being around the unguarded mouths of the deaf, I knew that voice was one that couldn’t articulate words as well as most. But, more than that, the tone of it, the pitch was familiar. My years as a siren made my ears keen. So even though she had never made a noise like that in front of me before, I knew who it was. My sisters all stood aghast as I walked back towards the boat.
I didn’t have to search too hard to see Jillian’s face. She was actually quite close to me. She was flailing her arms trying to stay afloat, looking for someone who must have been with her. I guess if an alarm had sounded, someone would have had to tell her. She was screaming out formless syllables, all of her words trapped in her swinging hands. I stood there stunned.
Knowing what was happening was bad enough— she was drowning, and there was nothing I could do about it— but then, as if to torture me for every life I’d ever seen pass, Jillian turned and saw me. She kept trying to stay up but seeing me there standing on the water had made her motions slow. She was trying to focus. Of course it didn’t make sense. I said her name, but she wouldn’t have known it. How strange— Jillian’s inability to hear was something most people had seen as a flaw in her body, but that was the only thing that could have, should have saved her from such a moment.
But it didn’t.
She reached out her hand for me. I begged the Ocean. “Keep her! Keep her, please! That’s Jillian, that’s my Jillian!”
She could not. We were at four, and that was Her limit. She had to guard Her secret. And beyond t
hat, Jillian’s inability to hear would make her almost completely incapable of doing this job. I didn’t see how; I didn’t really sing in my past life. How could this matter?
And, more to the point, She said, would I really wish this long life on a friend, even if there was a chance of keeping her?
I thought. That was a cruel way to state it, to turn my own worries back on me in the body of a friend. Whatever suffering there was, I couldn’t let her die.
“Please. Do something!” I cried. Tears fell from my face. When I cried out, I saw other people around Jillian sink a little more. My disobedience was speeding up the process for them as it passed over Jillian’s perfectly soundless ears.
The Ocean stood firm. If Jillian managed to survive on her own, that was one thing, but She could not interfere, and neither could we.
I looked at my sweet Jillian. Her hand was still outstretched waiting for me to rescue her. Life was just a collection of small decisions, every little left and right bringing you to ruin. If only Jillian had taken this trip a week later. Or if she had flown. And my own decision to leave early— I would have known about this trip if I had stayed just a day or two more.
The Ocean instructed me to leave. Now. But I stood looking on at my beloved friend. Jillian wasn’t strong enough. It would be my fault. Stupidly, I took a step forward. The Ocean seemed to audibly growl at me to go, at my sisters to act. To my surprise, it was Aisling who pulled me under. The sight of Jillian’s frightened face was burned in my mind.
Aisling scolded me as we moved. “Idiot! She could have killed you then. Disobeying an order. And so close to the end! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want to waste it all?” She kept on and on until we reached the abandoned shore of a private beach. I didn’t hear her reprimands anymore. I was sobbing with nothing to be done to stop it. Jillian was dying, or had died, and I had a hand in it.
My loss. My sin. My fault.
I thought I had forgiven the Ocean. I thought I had forgiven myself. I thought I was fine with who I was and what I did.
I was wrong.
I still felt it all under the surface. I felt the reason why I was never really able to be comfortable, even if I had done a thousand wonderful things. My ache for what I lost when that sunny day turned suddenly black so long ago was as strong as ever. The terror at becoming a part of what I wasn’t meant to survive was there, ugly behind my eyes. I pushed it back year after year, but it was there.
No wonder we were wiped clean at the end of this. How was I supposed to exist knowing what I’d done?
Aisling dragged me up onto the abandoned coast with a disgusted look on her face. The tightness of her grip would have left bruises on anyone else. She half threw me on the ground and shook her head. Behind her, I saw Miaka and Elizabeth come running out of the water with their hands full of sea foam dresses. Once they were up the beach, Aisling left without another word. The others came to hold me, patting my head and whispering condolences, hopefully quietly enough to spare any ears that we didn’t see. I was so ashamed.
“My fault,” I whispered as I cried. “Always my fault.”
“No,” Miaka said.
“This isn’t your fault, Kahlen. You didn’t do this to your friend. You’ve told me so yourself: Every soul passes through the gate. Every life ends. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault,” Elizabeth said in hushed and urgent tones.
“It is! It always is.”
“What are you talking about? ‘Always?’ What do you mean?” Miaka asked.
“My family.”
“What?” Elizabeth asked.
“My family,” I sobbed. The memories of my last moments on the boat flooded me. It was fuzzy and broken, but I remembered my family. Their faces were gone now, but I knew who they were. My father was on the trip, but he was busy all day. My brothers and I— I remembered their names: Alex and Tommy— went around the boat together, enjoying the magic of our floating home. And my mother, my beautiful mother… her face was gone, but I remembered she was beautiful. She was supposed to stay with me when we sank, but I was sucked away. All I have left of her are her last words as the wave came towards us: “Take a deep breath, Kahlen. Hold on tight.”
The same words Marilyn left me with. The same words in every nightmare.
The Ocean knew how guilty I felt about losing them all; the damn trip had been my idea. Because of my insistence, I lost them all. Though Alex made it out alive, his survival didn’t make it any easier. I wondered for years what he must have seen and heard as he struggled to just keep living. I was a part of what would have surely been nightmares for him.
Marilyn knew that I would have a hard time without her with me, and she hoped I would hold on for their sakes. She chose her last words to me deliberately, hoping I wouldn’t give up. God, how many times had I thought of going the same way as Ifama? But I wasn’t brave enough to do that. Instead I stayed and killed the only friend I’d ever chosen. I joined the mob that took my family.
“I wasn’t alone when I was taken. My family went down, too. It was my fault.”
They didn’t say anything. Though my head was down I could feel them looking at each other. I had never shared that detail with them. When Miaka and Elizabeth asked how I came to be a siren, I kept the story simple. I told them I was on a steamer to London, and I had begged to live, just like them. Marilyn had known it all. And the Ocean knew. She knew everything. How could She do this to me?
“Kahlen… we didn’t know…” Miaka reached out for me sympathetically. Elizabeth followed suit.
I shook them off of me and ran into the water. I couldn’t bear to be around them; I was too ashamed. I had to get to Maine. Surely, in a few days, there would be a funeral. But maybe Jillian made it. The chances were small, but I could hope until I knew.
I got into the water, not bothering to address Her. I was there because it was the fastest way to where I wanted to go, end of story. The Ocean spoke as I moved. She was sorry that I had lost my friend.
So, that quickly, I found out. Jillian was gone.
She couldn’t change what happened and was sorry I had to see that. She asked me to not be upset with Her— it was just something She had to do.
I didn’t respond.
She offered to take me to my island. She said I should get away from all of this.
If the Ocean had a face to glare into, I would have shot Her a vicious look. As if I would ever want that thing again. I’d burn the trees to the ground myself.
I didn’t respond.
She told me not to do anything rash. Stay calm. In a few years, I wouldn’t even have this memory.
I didn’t respond.
I didn’t believe Her. I was sure that I would somehow always know how horrible I had been, the pain I had caused. The Ocean responded to my directionless thoughts. She reminded me the She caused the pain, not me. She was trying to sooth me, but I wouldn’t have it. I finally lost my temper.
Get the hell out of my head! Leave me alone! For God’s sake, I give You all I have, and You take it, You just take everything! My family, my life, any fraction of hope that I might be a decent person— You’ve got it all. I have nothing left for You to take, so leave me alone— I hate You!
Water cringing is an unimaginable feeling, but I have felt it. We had been closer than She had been with anyone before me, She had hurt me beyond repair, and now She had to feel it. I didn’t care if She dried up. Let the whole earth disintegrate. She was taking it all in fractions as far as I could tell anyway. I moved as fast as I could, anxious to be out of Her. Finally, I felt that the water was the same as it should be near Maine. I got out, but knew immediately I was in the wrong place. I didn’t even care.
It was nearly twilight now, and I climbed onto the rocky coast in the orange-pink glow of the fading day. It was quite a climb, and the algae-covered boulders didn’t help. I meant to be
swift, but the struggle could not be sped up. Mercifully, no one saw me. I didn’t want to wear this dress anymore, but I wasn’t going to ask Her for money or hunt down something worth stealing, so I kept it on as I ran.
It was a good thing that I couldn’t physically hurt. I felt the rocks and sticks prick the soles of my feet as I made it across a street and into some woods. I noted a lighthouse to the south of me as I found a small opening in the growing brush. I stepped, dodging branches unnecessarily and hurtling even more boulders. What were they even doing in here?
I stopped not nearly far enough in. I was about to break down with the weight of my sadness. My body could handle the run, but my heart could not. After a few more steps I saw a large fallen tree that rested on the ground. The ground just in front of it was packed in; this was someone else’s haunt. I sat down on this accidental bench, pulled my knees to my chest and wept as silently as I could.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but it was getting dark when I looked up again. I knew I wasn’t near Portland; I was too far north. I hadn’t been paying attention. But, wherever I was, I could lie low here. In a few days I could figure out what to do about Jillian’s funeral. Had her parents been on that ship? Who would I need to find? Should I go back to the school? How was I supposed to face them? And Micah! I wasn’t sure about his feelings, but they were deep enough that this would break him like it broke me.
Wait. Maybe I wouldn’t be welcome at a funeral. No one would know, of course, but it’s not usual for murderers to pay their respects to their victims. And I would probably cry… who knew what I might cause by that? I would have cursed my voice a thousand ways if I’d had sufficient words. But then again, thinking those words would never have been enough. I needed to scream. This moment deserved that. There’s only so much sound you can hold inside.