Chapter 23
It was after one-thirty in the morning before Willy felt like climbing into bed. She had given her thoughts free reign and they had turned to the subject that had been quashed for so long--Max. For the first time, she let herself remember every encounter between them. Her thoughts skimmed over their first meeting, slowed as she recalled in great detail their first kiss, their second kiss, and his wonderful words of love the night before she had left Star Valley. She reviewed her feelings of having his arm placed under her head unexpectedly and the great comfort and security she had felt while they waited for the bear to leave their camp.
Willy allowed her mind to wander over the breadth of his shoulders and the cut of his hair. He had a dimple in his chin that was very attractive. She would never get the vision of his deep, brown eyes gazing into hers out of her mind. She appreciated the thoughtful gestures he had made and the sensitivity to her feelings he had shown.
She realized that the real healing of her grief for Ryan had started that night under the stars when Max had held her against his beating heart and let her sob out all the pent-up tears she had been holding inside for so long. He had kissed her so gently. She still remembered the sweet smell of his breath against her lips.
Willy hugged the blanket tightly, almost beside herself with longing for him. "I can't deny it any longer," she said out loud. "I love him. I think I've loved him since I first saw him. Being away from him has just made me love him more."
She was so agitated that she had to get out of the chair and pace around the room. "Dad was right. The promise I made to Ryan was not realistic or even sensible. I will always love Ryan, but there is nothing wrong with loving someone living. The kids love Max, too. Their memories of their dad are so dim that he hardly exists for them. What they need is a dad who is here. It isn't fair to deprive them of a living father just to try to keep the memory of a dead father alive. They need the affection and caring of a real person right now."
As the realities of her contemplation hit her and took hold in her mind, an unspeakable joy began filling her whole being. How stupid she had been to try to deprive herself and her children of the love that Max offered them! How right it all seemed now to welcome him into their hearts. Well, actually, he had always been in their hearts, but she had foolishly insisted on trying to keep him out. She had been pushing the door shut for no reason.
"I love him! I love him!" she cried to the still, dark walls.
Unable to contain herself, Willy threw off the warm blanket and whirled around the room. She wanted to touch Max right now. She wanted to tell him of her love. She yearned to beg his pardon for all the mean things she had said to him. She had a great desire to turn back the clock and relive their whole visit to Star Valley with the knowledge she now possessed. Why hadn't she seen it then? Why had it taken her so long to see things clearly?
"The reason it took so long," she told herself soberly, "is because I wasn't ready yet. The grief from Ryan's death was still too strong. My broken heart had to have time to heal itself before it could be ready to love again."
"And now I'm ready!" Willy ran to the phone and lifted it. Her eye caught the time displayed on the clock and she slowly lowered the phone again. "I guess it's a little too early in the morning to wake him up," she said, disappointed. "Besides, I can't really throw myself at him out of the blue. First I've got to gradually let him know that my mind has changed and he is welcome to call or write or even visit whenever he wants to. But I don't want to come on too strong. Maybe it will scare him away."
Remembering the pictures she had taken last summer, Willy ran to the album and searched for the best picture of Max she could find. She removed it carefully and carried it with her to bed. She giggled a little as she caught herself kissing it gently. It seemed like such a juvenile thing to do. "Love makes you do strange things," she thought. "It makes you feel sixteen again and you want to do the same things you did for your first love."
Willy propped the picture up next to the clock by her bed and snuggled down under the covers. Her arms were too empty so she reached for the extra pillow and hugged it to herself. Such an elation filled her heart that she smiled and clasped the pillow tightly. She fell asleep to dream of great meadows filled with flowers. In the distance she could see Max on a horse far away. She tried to call to him but he couldn't hear her. She went running across the field, waving her arms and shouting his name. When he finally saw her and started toward her, he startled her by calling, "Mommy! Mommy!"
Her surprise at his words made her stop in her dream tracks and then she woke up to the realization that it hadn't been Max's voice she had heard. Allison was standing by her bed, shaking her and calling her name. "Mommy, what's wrong? You woke me up with your yelling. Mommy! Mommy!"
"Allison!" Willy sat up in bed and gathered her wits. "What happened? Why are you up? Are you sick?"
"No, Mama, you were calling somebody so loud that it woke me up. Why were you yelling, Mama?"
"I must have been dreaming, Allison. I'm sorry I woke you up. Come on, let me put you back to bed." Willy put her arm around her daughter's shoulders and walked with her back to her bed. She tucked her in and smoothed her head, but Allison was still upset. Willy rubbed her back for a while and hummed a song softly and soon Allison fell asleep again.
Willy was exhausted but it took her a few minutes to drop off to sleep. She thought of Max and her great joy at discovering that it was going to be all right to let herself love him. Her last thoughts were to resolve that she would go to Ryan's grave and tell him of her decision to finally let him go. She knew he wasn't really there, but she wanted to say the words out loud. She had it straight in her mind now, finally, and everything made sense now.
In the morning, Willy awoke to find she had overslept. The kids were up watching TV but it was only a few minutes before the carpool driver would be here and Allison had to get ready for school. She rushed around getting her dressed and fed and finding her school bag. The car was honking outside and Willy sent Allison running out.
She collapsed at the kitchen table for a few minutes until it occurred to her that today was her day to do the pre-school group. She only had an hour to make all the preparations for that. With a sigh, Willy got up and went about the business of being a busy mother. There was no time to sit and moon over dreams now. That would all have to come at a later time.
She dressed, fed Jeffy and herself, made beds, cleaned up a little, cut out a bunch of snow man parts from construction paper for the art project, answered the phone several times and committed herself to a batch of cookies for the kindergarten program, agreed to man a booth at the school carnival in February, and visited with a bored neighbor. She finally excused herself from that one. The woman ought to follow her around for a day, then she wouldn't feel so sorry for herself. Nobody had to be bored. There was too much to do.
Willy was scraping glue off the table and floor after a very energetic morning with four pre-schoolers when Jeffy came in hungry. They ate and then she laid on Jeffy's bed with him while she read him a story. She hoped he felt like taking a nap today. She certainly needed one after the late night and exertions of the morning. She shut her eyes, hoping to catch a few minutes of much-needed rest.
The opening of the front door jerked Willy awake. Allison called and came running in when she answered. Jeffy had already awakened and was in with the TV again. Willy felt groggy. She hated to have long naps in the daytime. It always made her feel worse than going without sleep. She couldn't believe she had slept for over two hours.
Allison was asking for a school snack and wanting to show her what they had made in school that day. Willy got her head together and listened with interest to her daughter talk about her day. They ate apples and peanut butter while they went over Allison's school work. Jeffy wanted to show his sister the completed snow man that was hung on the refrigerator.
There was a lot of work to do and the hours passed until bedtime agai
n. "At least I got the letter mailed to Max today, if I didn't do anything else," Willy told herself. "Tomorrow while Jeffy is at pre-school, I will drive to the cemetery and have my little talk to Ryan's grave." She fell asleep thinking of what she would say. It was interesting that now that she had admitted to herself that she could love another man, she could remember Ryan in much more vivid detail.
For a long time, she had not been able to visualize his features in her mind and had been disturbed that her memory was fading of him. Now, she didn't even have to rely on having a picture to look at. His image was clear. "I guess there was such conflict in my mind that I was trying to block out the pain," she thought. "Now I feel at peace finally and can remember Ryan with love and no pain." She reviewed their life together in her thoughts. There had been unhappy times and some conflicts, but the good had much outweighed the bad. Willy fell asleep with a smile again. Life was good. Her dad was right. It was a very lucky person who could have two great loves in her life.