As daylight began its slow fade, the children appeared with their books and satchels, and an hour or two later came the fathers in their big automobiles. We waited for sundown, and after that, lights on and lights out. Goodnights begot goodnights, and houses popped into darkness like bubbles in a chain. Here and there a lamp burned, betraying perhaps some lonesome soul reading past midnight or a wandering insomniac or forgetful bachelor. Like a battlefield general, Igel studied these signs of time before we moved out into the streets.
Years had passed since I’d last looked through the storefront window of the toy shop or felt the rough surface of brick corners. The town felt otherworldly, yet I could not pass by a single place without experiencing a flood of associations and memories. At the gates of the Catholic church, I heard Latin raised by a phantom chorus. The motionless candy cane in front of the barbershop brought back smells of witch hazel and the clip of scissors. Mailboxes on the corner reminded me of valentines and birthday cards. My school conjured a picture of children streaming out by the dozens from its doubledoors, screaming for summer. For all their familiarity, however, the streets unsettled me with their neat corners and straight lines, the dead weight of walls, the clear boundaries of windows. The repetitive architecture bore down like a walled maze. The signs and words and admonitions—STOP; EAT HERE; SAME DAY DRY CLEANING; YOU DESERVE A COLOR TV—did not illuminate any mystery, but only left me indifferent to reading their constant messages. At last, we came to our target.
Luchóg climbed up to a window and slipped through a space that seemed much too small and narrow. He collapsed like a mouse going under the door. Standing in the alleyway, Igel and I kept lookout until he heard the soft click of the front lock; he guided us up the stairs to the market. As he opened the door, Luchóg gave us a wan grin, and Igel tousled his hair. Silently, we proceeded down the row of goods, past the Ovaltine and Bosco, cereal in bright boxes, cans of vegetables, fruit, fish, and meat. Every new food tempted me, but Igel would not allow any delay, and he ordered me in a whisper to “come here right now.” They crouched by bags on the bottom row, and Igel ripped one open with a slice of his sharp thumbnail. He licked his fingertip, dipped it in the powder, then tasted it.
“Bah . . . flour.”
He moved a few paces and repeated the procedure.
“Worse . . . sugar.”
“That stuff will kill you,” Luchóg said.
“Excuse me,” I interrupted, “but I can read. What are you looking for?”
Luchóg looked at me as if the question was the most preposterous thing he’d ever heard. “Salt, man, salt.”
I pointed to the bottom shelf, observing that even without the gift of language, one might recognize the picture of the old-fashioned girl under her umbrella, leaving behind a trail of salt. “When It Rains, It Pours,” I said, but they seemed unable to take my meaning. We loaded our rucksacks with as much as could be carried and left the store by the front door, a deflating departure, considering the smorgasbord inside. Our cargo made the journey home longer and more arduous, and we did not reach camp until daybreak. The salt, as I would later discover, was used to preserve meat and fish for the lean months, but at the time, I felt as if we had searched the wide seas for treasure and sailed into port with a chest filled with sand.
When she was handed the new sweater, Speck’s eyes widened with surprise and delight. She peeled off the tattered jersey she had worn for months and lifted the sweater over her head, sliding her arms inside like two eels. The brief sight of her bare skin unsettled me, and I looked away. She sat on a blanket, curled up her legs beneath her bottom, and bade me sit beside her.
“Tell me, O Great Hunter, about your visit to the old world. Recount your mishaps and brave deeds. Give us a story.”
“There’s not much to say. We went to the store for salt. But I saw a school and a church, and we swiped a bottle of milk.” I reached into my pocket and brought out a soft, overripe pear. “I brought this back, too.”
She set the pear on the ground. “Tell me more. What else did you see? How did the world make you feel?”
“Like I was remembering and forgetting at the same time. When I stepped into lamplight, my shadow appeared, sometimes several shadows, but once outside the circle, they all disappeared.”
“You’ve seen shadows before. Brighter lights throw harder shadows.”
“It is a strange light, and the world is full of straight lines and edges. The corners of their walls looked as sharp as a knife. It is unreal and a bit scary.”
“That’s just a trick of your imagination. Write your impressions in your book.” Speck fingered the hem of her sweater. “Speaking of books, did you see the library?”
“Library?”
“Where they keep the books, Aniday. You didn’t see the library?”
“I had forgotten all about it.” But as we talked, I could recall the stacks of well-worn books, the hushing librarian, quiet men and intent women bowing forward, reading. My mother had taken me there. My mother. “I used to go there, Speck. They let me take home books and bring them back when I was finished. I got a paper card and signed my name on a slip at the back of the book.”
“You remember.”
“But I don’t remember what I wrote. I didn’t write ‘Aniday.’ ”
She picked up the pear and inspected it for soft spots. “Get me a knife, Aniday, and I’ll cut this in half. And if you’re good, I’ll take you to the library to see the books.”
Rather than leaving in the middle of the night as before, we walked out of camp at noon on a crisp October day without so much as a fare-thee-well. Luchóg, Speck, and I followed the same trail into town, but we took our time, as if strolling through the park, not wanting to reach the streets until dusk. A broad highway severed the woods, and we had to wait for a long break in the traffic. I scanned the cars on the chance that the lady in the red coat might drive by, but our vantage point was too far from the road to make out any of the drivers.
At the gas station on the edge of town, two boys circled the pump on their bicycles, tracing lazy arcs, enjoying their last fun in the remnant sunlight. Their mother called them for dinner, but before I could see her face, she vanished behind a closing door. Luchóg leading, we moved across the road in single file. Halfway across the asphalt, he froze and pricked his ears to the west. I heard nothing, but in my bones sensed the electric approach of danger moving quickly as a summer storm. A moment’s indecision, and we lost our advantage. Springing from the darkness, the dogs were nearly upon us before Speck grabbed my hand and shouted, “Run!”
Teeth snapping, the pair split to chase us in a melee of barks and growls. The bigger dog, a muscular shepherd, went after Luchóg as he sprinted toward town. Speck and I raced back to the woods, a hound yelping in pursuit. When we reached the trees, she yanked me forward and up, so that I was six feet off the ground before realizing I was climbing a sycamore. Speck turned and faced the dog, which leapt for her, but she stepped to the side, grabbed the beast by the scruff of the neck, and flung it into the bushes. The dog cried in the air, snapped branches when it landed, and scrambled to its feet in great pain and confusion. Looking back over its shoulder at this girl, he tucked his tail between his legs and slunk away.
Coming down the road from the other direction, the German shepherd trotted alongside Luchóg as if he were a longtime pet. They stopped as one in front of us, and the dog wagged its tail and licked Luchóg’s fingers. “Do you remember the last changeling, Speck? The German boy?”
“You’re not supposed to mention—”
“He came in handy with this bloody canine. I was running for my life when I suddenly remembered that old lullaby our man used to sing.”
“ ‘Guten Abend’?”
He sang, “Guten Abend, gut’ Nacht, mit Rosen bedacht,” and the dog whimpered. Luchóg stroked the shepherd between the ears. “Turns out music doth soothe the savage beast.”
“Breast,” she said. “The quote is: ‘Music hat
h charms to soothe the savage breast.’ ”
“Don’t tell him,” Luchóg burst out. “Auf Wiedersehen, Schatzi. Go on home.” The dog trotted off.
“That was scary,” I said.
Feigning nonchalance, Luchóg rolled a cigarette. “Could have been worse. Could have been people.”
“If we meet somebody, play dumb,” Speck instructed. “They’ll think we’re a bunch of kids and tell us to go on home. Nod your head when I talk and don’t say a word.” I looked around the empty streets, half hoping for an encounter, but all the people seemed to be inside, at dinner, bathing the children, getting ready for bed. In many homes, an unearthly blue glow emanated from within.
The library squatted stately in the middle of a tree-lined block. Speck moved as if she had passed this way many times before, and the problem of locked doors was easily circumvented. Luchóg led us around the back to a staircase and pointed out a gap where the concrete had separated from the main wall.
“I don’t think I can fit through that. My head’s too big, and I’m not that skinny.”
“Luchóg is a mouse,” Speck said. “Watch and learn.”
He told me the secret of softening one’s bones. The gist is to think like a mouse or a bat, simply realizing one’s own flexibility. “It will hurt the first time, lad, like every good thing, but there’s no trick to it. A matter of faith. And practice.”
He disappeared into the crack, and Speck followed him, exhaling a single drawn-out sigh. Pushing through that narrow space hurt more than I can say. The abrasions on my temples took weeks to heal. After softening myself, I had to remember to keep my muscles tense for a while or risk an arm or a leg going limp. But Luchóg was right—with practice, squeezing became second nature.
Underneath the library, the crawlspace was dark and foreboding, so when Speck struck a match, the flame glowed with hope. She touched the flame to a candlewick, and with the candle lit a hurricane lamp that smelled of must and kerosene. Each successive illumination brought the dimensions and features of the room into sharper focus. The back of the building had been built on a slight slope, so that the floor inclined from our entranceway, where one could stand quite comfortably, rising to the opposite wall, where one could rest only by sitting. I can’t tell you how many times I bumped my head on the ceiling by that far wall. The chamber had been made accidentally, a sort of hollow beneath a new addition to the old library building. Since it did not rest on the same foundation, the room was hotter than outside during the summer and bone-cold in the winter. By lamplight I could see that someone had added a few homey touches—a brace of rugs, a few drinking vessels, and, in the northwest corner, a sort of easy chair fashioned from salvaged blankets. Luchóg began fiddling with his cigarette pouch, and Speck ordered him out, if he must smoke. Grumbling, he scooted through the crack.
“So what do you think, Aniday? A bit rustic, but still . . . civilization.”
“It’s grand.”
“You haven’t seen the best part. The whole reason I brought you here.” Speck motioned me to follow, and we scuttled up the incline to the back wall. She reached up, turned out a knob, and a panel dropped from the ceiling. In a flash, she hoisted herself up through the hole and was gone. I knelt on the spot, waiting for her return, looking up through the empty space. All at once, her face appeared in the frame.
“Are you coming or not?” she whispered.
I followed her into the library. The pale light from our chamber below dissipated in the room, but I could still make out—my heart leapt at the sight—row after row, shelf above shelf, floor to ceiling, a city of books. Speck turned to me and asked, “Now, what shall we read first?”
• CHAPTER 11 •
The end, when it arrived, proved both timely and apt. Not only had I learned everything Mr. Martin had to offer, but I was sick of it all—the practice, the repertoire, the discipline, and the ennui of eighty-eight keys. By the time I turned sixteen, I began looking for an excuse to quit, a way out that would not break my mother’s heart. The truth is that while I am a very good pianist, great even, I was never sublime. Yes, by far the best in our remote hamlet, no doubt our corner of the state, maybe the best from border to border, but beyond that, no. I lacked the passion, the consuming fire, to be a world-class pianist. Looking forward, the alternative was dreadful. To end up like old Mr. Martin himself, teaching others after a second-rate career? I would rather play in a bordello.
Over breakfast one morning, I opened with this gambit: “Mom, I don’t think I’m going to get any better.”
“Better than what?” she asked, whipping eggs.
“At the piano, at music. I think it’s as far as I can go.”
She poured the mess into a skillet, the eggs sizzling as they hit butter and hot iron, and said nothing while she stirred. She served me a plate of eggs and toast, and I ate them in silence. Coffee cup in hand, she sat across the table from me. “Henry,” she said softly, wanting my attention. “Do you remember the day when you were a little boy and ran away from home?”
I did not, but I nodded in the affirmative between bites.
“It was a bright day and hot, hotter than Hades. I wanted a bath to cool off. The heat’s one thing I can’t get used to. And I asked you to mind Mary and Elizabeth, and you disappeared into the forest. Do you remember that?”
There was no way I could remember, but I nodded my head as I swallowed the last slug of orange juice.
“I put the girls to bed and came back down, but you were gone.” Her eyes welled up as she recounted the experience. “We looked over hill and yon but couldn’t find you. As the day wore on, I called your father to come home, and then we telephoned the police and the firemen, and we were all looking for you for hours, calling out your name into the night.” She looked past me, as if reliving the experience in her mind’s eye.
“Any more eggs, Mom?”
She waved her spoon toward the stove, and I helped myself. “When it grew dark, I grew afraid for you. Who knows what lives out in that forest? I knew a woman once in Donegal whose baby was stolen from her. She’d gone out to pick blackberries and left her child sleeping on a blanket on a bright summer day, and when she came back, the baby was gone, and they never did find it, poor thing, not a trace. All that remained was an impression left on the grass.”
I peppered my eggs and dug in.
“I thought of you lost and wanting your mother, and I couldn’t get to you, and I prayed to God that you’d come home. When they found you, it was like a second chance. Quitting would be throwing away your second chance, your God-given gift. It’s a blessing and you should use your talent.”
“Late for school.” I mopped the plate clean with a heel of bread, kissed the top of her head, and exited. Before I made it down the front steps, I regretted not being more forceful. Most of my life has been ruled by indecision, and I am grateful when fate intercedes, relieving me from choice and responsibility for my actions.
By the time of the winter recital that year, just the sight and sound of the piano made my stomach churn. I could not disappoint my parents by quitting Mr. Martin altogether, so I pretended that all was well. We arrived early at the concert hall, and I left my family at the door to find their seats while I moped about backstage. The folderol surrounding the recitals remained unchanged. In the wings of the theater, students milled about, mentally preparing for their turns, practicing their fingering on any flat surface. Mr. Martin paced among us, counting heads, reassuring the stage-frightened, the incompetent, and the reluctant. “You are my prize pupil,” he said. “The best I’ve ever taught. The only real piano player in the whole bunch. Make them cry, Henry.” And with that, he pinned a carnation on my lapel. He swirled and parted the curtains to the brightness of the footlights to welcome the assemblage. My performance was the grand finale, so I had time to duck out the back and smoke a Camel pinched from my father’s pack. A winter’s night had fallen, clear and cold. A rat, startled by my presence in the alley, stopped and stared
at me. I showed the vermin my teeth, hissed and glowered, but I could not scare it. Once upon a time, such creatures were terrified of me.
That frozen night, I felt entirely human and heartened at the thought of the warm theater. If this was to be my farewell performance, I resolved to give them something to remember me by. I moved like a whip, cracking the keys, thundering, floating, the right pressure on all the partial notes. Members of the audience began rising from their seats to lead the applause before the strings stopped humming. Enchanted, they showered their huzzahs, so much so that I almost forgot how much I hated the whole business. Backstage, Mr. Martin greeted me first, tears of joy in his eyes, squealing “Bravo,” and then the other students, half of them barely masking their resentment, the other half consumed with jealousy, acknowledging with grudging graciousness that I had outshone their performances. In came the parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, and assorted music lovers. They clumped around the players, but I drew the largest crowd, and I did not notice the woman in the red coat until most of the well-wishers had vanished.
My mother was wiping lipstick from my cheek with a wet handkerchief when the woman meandered into my peripheral vision. She appeared normal and pleasant, about forty years old. Her deep brown hair framed an intelligent face, but I was perplexed at the way her pale green eyes had fixed upon me. She stared, scrutinized, studied, and pondered, as if dredging up an inner mystery. She was an utter stranger to me.
“Excuse me,” she said. “But you’re Andrew Day?”
“Henry Day,” I corrected her.
“Right, Henry. You play wonderfully.”
“Thank you.” I turned back to my parents, who intimated that they were ready to go.
Maybe she saw my profile, or perhaps the simple act of turning away set off something in her brain, but she gasped and drew her fingers to her mouth. “You’re him,” she said. “You’re the little boy.”