Now, I do. The bakery. He comes in often with his dog, a little dachshund, and he orders a fresh roll with butter and a black coffee. He spends hours writing in a little black notebook, while his dog sleeps at his feet.
As we enter the room, Jocelyn is sharing her memento: something that looks like a mangled, twisted femur. "This was Lola's," she says, gently turning the rawhide bone over in her hands. "I found it under the couch after we put her down."
"Why are you even here?" Stuart says. "It was just a damn dog!"
Jocelyn narrows her eyes. "At least I didn't bronze her."
They start arguing as the old man and I get settled in the circle. Marge uses this as a distraction. "Mr. Weber," she says, "welcome. Jocelyn was just telling us how much her pet meant to her. Have you ever had a pet you loved?"
I think of the little dog he brings to the bakery. He shares the roll with her, fifty-fifty.
But the man is silent. He bows his head, as if he is being pressed down in his seat. I recognize that stance, that wish to disappear.
"You can love a pet more than you love some people," I say suddenly, surprising even myself. Everyone turns, because unlike the others, I hardly ever draw attention to myself by volunteering information. "It doesn't matter what it is that leaves a hole inside you. It just matters that it's there."
The old man slowly glances up. I can feel the heat of his gaze through the curtain of my hair.
"Mr. Weber," Marge says, noticing. "Maybe you brought a memento to share with us today . . . ?"
He shakes his head, his blue eyes flat and without expression.
Marge lets his silence stand; an offering on a pedestal. I know this is because some people come here to talk, while others come to just listen. But the lack of sound pounds like a heartbeat. It's deafening.
That's the paradox of loss: How can something that's gone weigh us down so much?
At the end of the hour, Marge thanks us for participating and we fold up the chairs and recycle our paper plates and napkins. I pack up the remaining muffins and give them to Stuart. Bringing them back to the bakery would be like carting a bucket of water to Niagara Falls. Then I walk outside to head back to work.
If you've lived in New Hampshire your whole life, like I have, you can smell the change in the weather. It's oppressively hot, but there's a thunderstorm written across the sky in invisible ink.
"Excuse me."
I turn at the sound of Mr. Weber's voice. He stands with his back to the Episcopal church where we hold our meetings. Although it's at least eighty-five degrees out, he is wearing a long-sleeved shirt that is buttoned to the throat, with a narrow tie.
"That was a nice thing you did, sticking up for that girl."
The way he pronounces the word thing, it sounds like think.
I look away. "Thanks."
"You are Sage?"
Well, isn't that the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question? Yes, it's my name, but the double entendre--that I'm full of wisdom--has never really applied. There have been too many moments in my life when I've nearly gone off the rails, more overwhelmed by emotion than tempered by reason.
"Yes," I say.
The awkward silence grows between us like yeasted dough. "This group. You have been coming a long time."
I don't know whether I should be defensive. "Yes."
"So you find it helpful?"
If it were helpful, I wouldn't still be coming. "They're all nice people, really. They each just sometimes think their grief is bigger than anyone else's."
"You don't say much," Mr. Weber muses. "But when you do . . . you are a poet."
I shake my head. "I'm a baker."
"Can a person not be two things at once?" he asks, and slowly, he walks away.
*
I run into the bakery, breathless and flushed, to find my boss hanging from the ceiling. "Sorry I'm late," I say. "The shrine is packed and some moron in an Escalade took my spot."
Mary's rigged up a Michelangelo-style dolly so that she can lie on her back and paint the ceiling of the bakery. "That moron would be the bishop," she replies. "He stopped in on his way up the hill. Said your olive loaf is heavenly, which is pretty high praise, coming from him."
In her previous life, Mary DeAngelis was Sister Mary Robert. She had a green thumb and was well known for maintaining the gardens in her Maryland cloister. One Easter, when she heard the priest say He is risen, she found herself standing up from the pew and walking out the cathedral door. She left the order, dyed her hair pink, and hiked the Appalachian Trail. It was somewhere on the Presidential Range that Jesus appeared to her in a vision, and told her there were many souls to feed.
Six months later, Mary opened Our Daily Bread at the foothills of the Our Lady of Mercy Shrine in Westerbrook, New Hampshire. The shrine covers sixteen acres with a meditation grotto, a peace angel, Stations of the Cross, and holy stairs. There is also a store filled with crosses, crucifixes, books on Catholicism and theology, Christian music CDs, saints' medals, and Fontanini creche sets. But visitors usually come to see the 750-foot rosary made of New Hampshire granite boulders, linked together with chains.
It was a fair-weather shrine; business dropped off dramatically during New England winters. Which was Mary's selling point: What could be more secular than freshly baked bread? Why not boost the revenue of the shrine by adding a bakery that would attract believers and nonbelievers alike?
The only catch was that she had no idea how to bake.
That's where I come in.
I started baking when I was nineteen years old and my father died unexpectedly. I was at college, and went home for the funeral, only to return and find nothing the same. I stared at the words in textbooks as if they had been written in a language I could not read. I couldn't get myself out of bed to go to classes. I missed one exam, then another. I stopped turning in papers. Then one night I woke up in my dorm room and smelled flour--so much flour I felt as if I'd been rolling in it. I took a shower but couldn't get rid of the smell. It reminded me of Sunday mornings as a kid, when I would awaken to the scent of fresh bagels and bialys, crafted by my father.
He'd always tried to teach my sisters and me, but mostly we were too busy with school and field hockey and boys to listen. Or so I thought, until I started to sneak into the residential college dining hall kitchen and bake bread every night.
I left the loaves like abandoned babies on the thresholds of the offices of professors I admired, of the dorm rooms of boys with smiles so beautiful that they stunned me into awkward silence. I left a finial row of sourdough rolls on a lectern podium and slipped a boule into the oversize purse of the cafeteria lady who pressed plates of pancakes and bacon at me, telling me I was too skinny. On the day my academic adviser told me that I was failing three of my four classes, I had nothing to say in my defense, but I gave her a honey baguette seeded with anise, the bitter and the sweet.
My mother arrived unexpectedly one day. She took up residence in my dorm room and micromanaged my life, from making sure I was fed to walking me to class and quizzing me on my homework readings. "If I don't get to give up," she told me, "then neither do you."
I wound up being on the five-year plan, but I did graduate. My mother stood up and whistled through her teeth when I crossed the stage to get my diploma. And then everything went to hell.
I've thought a lot about it: how you can ricochet from a moment where you are on top of the world to one where you are crawling at rock bottom. I've thought about all the things I could have done differently, and if it would have led to another outcome. But thinking doesn't change anything, does it? And so afterward, with my eye still bloodshot and the Frankenstein monster stitches curving around my temple and cheek like the seam of a baseball, I gave my mother the same advice she had given me. If I don't get to give up, then neither do you.
She didn't, at first. It took almost six months, one bodily system shutting down after another. I sat by her side in the hospital every day, and at night went home to rest.
Except, I didn't. Instead, I started once again to bake--my go-to therapy. I brought artisan loaves to her doctors. I made pretzels for the nurses. For my mother, I baked her favorite--cinnamon rolls, thick with icing. I made them daily, but she never managed a bite.
It was Marge, the facilitator of the grief group, who suggested I get a job to help me forge some kind of routine. Fake it until you make it, she said. But I couldn't stand the thought of working in broad daylight, where everyone would be staring at my face. I had been shy before; now I was reclusive.
Mary says it's divine intervention that she ran into me. (She calls herself a recovering nun, but in reality, she gave up her habit, not her faith.) Me, I don't believe in God; I think it was pure luck that the first classifieds section I read after Marge made her suggestion included an ad for a master baker--one who would work nights, alone, and leave when customers began to trickle into the store. At the interview Mary didn't comment on the fact that I had no experience, no significant summer jobs, no references. But most important, she took one look at my scar and said, "I'm guessing when you want to tell me about that, you will." And that was that. Later, as I got to know her, I'd realize that when she gardens, she never sees the seed. She is already picturing the plant it will become. I imagine she thought the same, meeting me.
The only saving grace about working at Our Daily Bread (no pun intended) was that my mother was not alive to see it. She and my father had both been Jewish. My sisters, Pepper and Saffron, were both bat mitzvahed. Although we sold bagels and challah as well as hot cross buns; although the coffee bar attached to the bakery was called HeBrews--I knew my mother would have said: All the bakeries in the world, what made you decide to work for a shiksa?
But my mother also would have been the first to tell me that good people are good people; religion has nothing to do with it. I think my mom knows, wherever she is now, how many times Mary found me in the kitchen in tears, and delayed the opening of the bakery until she helped me pull myself together. I think she knows that on the anniversary of my mother's death, Mary donates all the money raised at the bakery to Hadassah. And that Mary is the only person I don't actively try to hide my scar from. She isn't just my employer but also my best friend, and I like to believe that would matter more to my mother than where Mary chose to worship.
A splat of purple paint drops on the floor beside my foot, making me look up. Mary's painting another one of her visions. She has them with staggering regularity--at least three a year--and they usually lead to some change in the composition of our shop or our menu. The coffee bar was one of Mary's visions. So was the greenhouse window, with the rows of delicate orchids, their flowers draped like a string of pearls over the rich green foliage. One winter she introduced a knitting circle at Our Daily Bread; another year, it was a yoga class. Hunger, she often tells me, has nothing to do with the belly and everything to do with the mind. What Mary really runs isn't a bakery, but a community.
Some of Mary's aphorisms are painted on the walls: Seek and ye shall find. All who wander are not lost. It's not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years. I sometimes wonder if Mary really dreams up these platitudes or if she just memorizes the catchy phrases on Life Is Good T-shirts. I guess it doesn't much matter, though, since our customers seem to enjoy reading them.
Today, Mary is painting her latest mantra. All you knead is love, I read.
"What do you think?" she asks.
"That Yoko Ono is going to sue you for copyright infringement," I reply.
Rocco, our barista, is wiping down the counter. "Lennon was brilliant," he says. "If he were alive today / Can you Imagine?"
Rocco is twenty-nine years old, has prematurely gray dreadlocks, and speaks only in Haiku. It's his thing, he told Mary, when he applied for his job. She was willing to overlook that little verbal tic because of his prodigious talent creating foam art--the patterned swirls on top of lattes and mochaccinos. He can make ferns, hearts, unicorns, Lady Gaga, spiderwebs, and once, on Mary's birthday, Pope Benedict XVI. Me, I like him because of one of Rocco's other things: he doesn't look people in the eye. He says that's how someone can steal your soul.
Amen to that.
"Ran out of baguettes," Rocco tells me. "Gave angry folks free coffee." He pauses, counting syllables mentally. "Tonight make extra."
Mary begins to lower herself from her rigging. "How was your meeting?"
"The usual. Has it been this quiet all day?"
She hits the ground with a soft thud. "No, we had the preschool drop-off rush and a good lunch." Getting to her feet, she wipes her hands on her jeans and follows me into the kitchen. "By the way, Satan called," she says.
"Let me guess. He wants a special-order birthday cake for Joseph Kony?"
"By Satan," Mary says, as if I haven't spoken, "I mean Adam."
Adam is my boyfriend. Except not, because he's already someone else's husband. "Adam's not that bad."
"He's hot, Sage, and he's emotionally destructive. If the shoe fits . . ." Mary shrugs. "I'm leaving Rocco to man the cannons while I head up to the shrine to do a little weeding." Although she's not employed there, no one seems to mind if the former nun with the green thumb keeps the flowers and plants in good form. Gardening--sweaty, machete-hacking, root-digging, bush-dragging gardening--is Mary's relaxation. Sometimes I think she doesn't sleep at all, she just photosynthesizes like her beloved plants. She seems to function with more energy and speed than the rest of us ordinary mortals; she makes Tinker Bell look like a sloth. "The hostas have been staging a coup."
"Have fun," I say, tying the strings of my apron, and focusing on the night's work.
At the bakery, I have a gigantic spiral mixer, because I make multiple loaves at a time. I have preferments in various temperatures stored in carefully marked canisters. I use an Excel spreadsheet to figure out the baker's percentage, a crazy math that always adds up to more than 100 percent. But my favorite kind of baking is just a bowl, a wooden spoon, and four elements: flour, water, yeast, salt. Then, all you need is time.
Making bread is an athletic event. Not only does it require dashing around to several stations of the bakery as you check rising loaves or mix ingredients or haul the mixing bowl out of its cradle--but it also takes muscle power to activate the gluten in the dough. Even people who wouldn't be able to tell a poolish from a biga know that to make bread, you have to knead it. Push and roll, push and fold, a rhythmic workout on your floured countertop. Do it right, and you'll release a protein called gluten--strands that let uneven pockets of carbon dioxide form in the loaves. After seven or eight minutes--long enough for your mind to have made a to-do list of chores around the house, or for you to replay the last conversation you had with your significant other and what he really meant--the consistency of the dough will transform. Smooth, supple, cohesive.
That's the point where you have to leave the dough alone. It's silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat from touch and noise and drama, in order to evolve.
I have to admit, I often feel that way myself.
*
Bakers' hours can do strange things to a brain. When your workday begins at 5:00 p.m. and lasts through dawn, you hear each click of the minute hand on the clock over the stove, you see movements in the shadows. You do not recognize the echo of your own voice; you begin to think you are the only person left alive on earth. I'm convinced there's a reason most murders happen at night. The world just feels different for those of us who come alive after dark. It's more fragile and unreal, a replica of the one everyone else inhabits.
I've been living in reverse for so long now that it's not a hardship to go to bed when the sun is rising, and to wake when it's low in the sky. Most days this means I get about six hours of sleep before I return to Our Daily Bread to start all over again, but being a baker means accepting a fringe existence, one I welcome wholeheartedly. The people I see are convenience store clerks, Dunkin' Donuts drive-through cashiers,
nurses switching shifts. And Mary and Rocco, of course, who close up the bakery shortly after I arrive. They lock me in, like the queen in Rumpelstiltskin, not to count grain but to transform it before morning into the quick breads and yeasted loaves that fill the shelves and glass counters.
I was never a people person, but now I actively prefer to be alone. This setup suits me best: I get to work by myself; Mary is the front man responsible for chatting up the customers and making them want to return for another visit. I hide.
Baking, for me, is a form of meditation. I get pleasure out of slicing up the voluminous mass of dough, eyeballing it to just the right amount of kilos on a scale for a perfect artisan loaf. I love how the snake of a baguette quivers beneath my palm as I roll it out. I love the sigh that a risen loaf makes when I first punch it down. I like curling my toes inside my clogs and stretching my neck from side to side to work out the kinks. I like knowing there will be no phone calls, no interruptions.
I am already well into making the one hundred pounds of product I make every night by the time I hear Mary return from her gardening stint up the hill and start to close up shop. Rinsing my hands in the industrial sink, I pull off the cap I wear to cover my hair while I'm working and walk to the front of the shop. Rocco is zipping up his motorcycle jacket. Through the plate-glass windows, I see heat lightning arc across the bruise of the sky.
"See you tomorrow," Rocco says. "Unless we die in our sleep. / What a way to go."
I hear a bark, and realize that the bakery isn't empty. The one lone customer is Mr. Weber, from my grief group, and his tiny dog. Mary sits with him, a cup of tea in her hands.
He struggles to get to his feet when he sees me and does an awkward little bow. "Hello again."
"You know Josef?" Mary asks.
Grief group is like AA--you don't "out" someone unless you have his permission. "We've met," I reply, shaking my hair forward to screen my face.
His dachshund comes closer on her leash to lick at a spot of flour on my pants. "Eva," he scolds. "Manners!"
"It's okay," I tell him, crouching down with relief to pat the dog. Animals never stare.