* * * *
She walked around my room with no sign of the sultry or seductive. She flopped onto the bed and looked at the room service menu.
“Okay, any minute now, you are going to wonder if I am conning you. I mean, that is a lot of money you spent for my company. So...” She sat up on her elbows. “I want you to know how much this means. Given what I could be doing right now... It's like... a reprieve. A respite. I...” She looked away. “I know that is messed up, and not easy to think about. But it means a lot.”
“It's okay.” I smiled at her. “Really. You don't have to be here. If you would rather be anywhere else, for a while... If the thug comes knocking I will tell him I'm done, and you didn't want to hang around. You know...” I made a vague mime with my hands.
“Three thrusts and done?”
“I guess.” I flushed at her laugh.
“You don't look the type. You look like a holder. You know? The actual rut is quick, but you build up to it slow, and hold on to the moment after, just being connected and talking.” She flicked the pages of the menu. “And I don't want to go. I want to hear that story.”
“Oh... Yeah...” I cleared my throat. “What should I call you?”
“Mina.” She giggled. “It's my work name. I told you I liked the book. And you are Paddington.”
“I am.”
She patted the bed. “Come on. Just talk. Tell me the story. You are Paddington. Like the station?”
“Like the station.” I poured some spring water from the bottle, and I was about to hand her the glass when I hesitated. “I need to tell you something.”
She looked at me. “You never spent time with a prostitute before and you worry that you have given some code word, or something, that makes me think any minute you will expect something you don't want?”
“No.”
“You want to ask about the girlfriend experience or something you saw on TV?”
“No.” I shook my head quickly. “No. I wouldn't want anybody to have to pretend that.”
She laughed. “Why?”
“I'm just...” I had too many reasons in my head for why nobody would want to pretend that, even for a while. I spat the only word I could find that summed them all up: “Me.”
“Okay. I ran out of guesses. What do you have to tell me?” She reached for her glass.
I held it away a second. “I'm ill.”
“Ill?”
“I can't infect you easily, but some people think I can. They get paranoid. I don't want to hand you the glass, and let you drink it, if you are going to think you are in some kind of danger. That kind of fear is stupid, but it isn't nice for people and, if it is a problem, I would rather you knew now.”
“Right.” She wasn't laughing any more. She wasn't smiling. “Are you okay?”
“I'm HIV positive.”
“Like...” She fixed her eyes on mine. “Like AIDs?”
“Hopefully not.” I looked at the floor. “But, maybe one day.”
She took the glass from me, and sipped her water. “This is good.”
I smiled. “Is that a problem?”
“I'm a big girl.” She let out a sigh. “I know what condoms are for. What happened?”
“I always had it.” I sat on the seat away from the bed. “So, you know what Halloween used to be about? Long before it was All Hallows Eve, it was this pagan ceremony. As autumn became winter, there was this night where the veil between the world of the living and the dead would be thinnest. The spirits and the dead could reach through as shades, but all they could manage were tricks of sound, and illusions woven from mist and shadows. So, what the villagers would do is gather everybody together, bring their cattle back to the village, offer a tribute to the spirits, and slaughter one of their cows for a big old feast. There was safety in numbers and they made a party out of it.”
“But you didn't want to be out in the fields by your own?” Mina leaned forwards, watching me.
“That is what I am. I'm a trick. Woven from mist and shadows on Halloween. I was found in a plastic carrier bag in Cardiff station. Nobody was ever able to find who left me, or why. I was left under an emergency call station. Somebody pressed the green enquiry button, and told the guy in the office that my name was Paddington, and left me. There was some grainy CCTV footage of a man, but I don't know if he was my dad, or a friend, or... anybody.” I sat back. “I was taken into care, and fostered, but was never adopted. I am pretty sure the name Paddington was a joke. Like the books.”
She shrugged. “More vampires?”
“No.” I laughed. “I needed a surname, and somebody gave me Hallow. I don't know who. I don't ever remember being fostered by Hallows. I was bounced around a lot. Nobody wanted me for too long.”
“Because you were...ill?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “A lot of kids moved around a lot. A lot of kids were troubled, going in and out of care. Some, just a few, acted out and made trouble. I was a good target for that. I had a nice big stigma they could twist. And... I learned pretty quickly that not everybody understood. I was with this one family, this great family, for a few years. The mum already had two kids, girls, who were all sporty, and jokey, and full of life.”
Mina matched my grin. “I know the kind. They were a handful?”
“Yeah. Well, one of them would tease me. Not like the bullies. Not like the people who called me a freak, shoved me down the stairs, or told me I should hurry up and die. Not like the kids who thought I was gay, or had to think of more and more colourful reasons my mother would be...like me... She teased me to see me laugh. We would talk about stuff, and sometimes she was bravest when she was laughing. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.” Mina sounded thoughtful. “I think it does.”
“Her name was Alison. She wanted to go to Barry, to the beach, and had nobody. I was doing homework. For both of us, actually. A science project. We were year eight, I think. Maybe twelve or thirteen years old. She took my book and was running around the garden. She was screaming I could have it back if I promised to go with her. If I got out the house with her. We ended up tumbled together, and she was holding me down, laughing, making me concede when suddenly this shadow is over us. The mum's boyfriend. He hauls Alison from me, and sets her aside. He threw me across the garden, trying to march me into the house. I hit the patio door so hard my nose broke. I have no idea what I had done. He didn't hit me. He just screamed at me, over and over, that I was not to touch her. That I—I could not touch her, because I might make her like me. That…that he would not see her rot inside out, like me.”
She winced. “You were thirteen. He thought you were getting too close?”
I nodded. “But that wasn't how he saw it. He—he didn't know what might infect her. My touch. My sweat. He blustered around the house in a frenzy. All the toothbrushes were thrown out, and suddenly mine was in a plastic bag. He started to spray cleaner in the shower any time I used it. If I sat on the sofa with the girls, he would want me to help in the kitchen, or expect me to sit in the other chair. It...” I looked away. “The mum came home and went spare. The care workers got involved. Things went wrong with the boyfriend. And...yeah...there was a part of me that believed it was all my fault.”
“That he hurt you?”
“People were scared of me. I was a boy. It was easy to believe that people became like that because of something in my blood. Because I was radioactive.” I laughed.
“And did you?” She shuffled along the bed until she was close to my seat, and she put a hand on my knee.
“Did I what?”
“Ever get with the girl?”
“Alison. No...” I looked away. “She was a friend. I loved her as a friend.”
“Yeah?” She beamed me a smile. “That seems a pretty good reason to become more. So why not?”
“I never...knew anybody that way.”
“Never?”
I shook my head.
“So... You would be a virgin?”
&nb
sp; “I have never been in love.” I could hear the stammer in my voice. I could hear how defensive I was. “Or at least, not the kind that is loved back, with kisses, and holding hands, and putting it into words. The...the kind from afar, when you have all those words boiling in your head, but can't say them? I had that enough times. But—but the kind that is shared?”
“She didn't love you?”
“As a friend.” I tensed against the touch of her fingers on my thigh. “Don't.”
She looked at me. “Sorry.” She drew her hand back. “I'm not afraid.”
“I guess not.”
“So...I think you would have had a chance you know.”
“With Alison?”
She nodded. “You just had to talk to her. Why didn't you?”
“Because when she was single, I—I thought I was radioactive. And if I loved her, even if we didn't do anything, she would...she would become radioactive too. People would fear her, and bully her, and think she would poison the blood of their kids.” I tried not to let my pain into those words. I tried to bury it deep and speak in a matter of fact. “I adored her. I loved her. I could never make her that. And...I missed my chance. Then, nobody else I ever met, was... I liked other people. But it never became that. Dates never became more than dates.”
“Why are you here?” She pointed at my hold all. “That is a carry on bag. I don't see a suitcase. And you aren't here on business. You don't have a suit. You look like you dressed in a hurry. And, if you don't mind me saying, you don't look much like a guy who comes to San Francisco for a holiday. You would fly to Boston. You would fly somewhere with history, and culture, and beauty, but not this kind of history, or culture, or beauty. I think Boston would chime better with you.” She gasped. “Oh! But I just bet Alison is a Frisco kind of soul. I bet she likes good coffee shops and soul food. Bars with music?”
“She came here for work, and didn't look back. She met a guy, got married, and for a while it worked. We stayed in touch, best we could, with the internet and stuff, but a few days ago she rang me to tell me she was... she's...”
“Things not working out with the other guy?”
“He just moved out. It got rough. I took some leave and promised to be across as soon as I could.” I looked at the wall. “It turns out jumping on the next available flight is not always the best plan.”
Mina laughed. “That is so sweet.”
“She's a friend.”
“She's also single?”
“It isn't like that.” I held up my palms. “She is a friend. She is in trouble—”
“And you came all this way.” Mina folded her arms. “Do you know how many of my friends would do that for me?”
I shrugged. “If I was a good friend, why would I be hiding here, looking for excuses not to...you know...”
“Go and tell her how you feel?”
“No. I'm too afraid to go and be there for her, as I am pretty sure I will tell her how I feel, and ruin everything.” I am not entirely sure I ever managed to think that aloud, let alone tell her. “I can't do that to her.”
“You can't make her happy?” Mina rolled her eyes. “She called you for a reason.”
“She doesn't want me.”
“I don't know. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn't. But she trusts you. That is why she called you. You are her friend, and she trusts you. So, just tell her. If she doesn't want this, she will trust you not to be jerk about it.” She looked me up and down. “I think she trusts you not to be a jerk. Just tell her.”
I laughed. “So, when she says 'no', I should not be a jerk? I…will do my best.”
She giggled. “You will do fine. You are doing fine. You are terrified, like a rabbit in headlights, but you are going to do this. You aren't toxic. You aren't radioactive. You aren't. I have seen some pretty terrible people in my life. I have seen a lot of normal people, just as nice and kind, and lost as anybody else. But I have seen some terrible people.” She got up, stood over me, and lowered herself to a gentle kiss on my cheek, that like fire and ice all at once, and she smelt of cherry blossom. “You are one of the few people good enough to start making up for the worst ones. If I can see that this quickly, then your friend will already know it, with all her heart. Just tell her. Now. Text her. Ring her. Scream her name. But, if it was me...I would want to know you were in the country.”
“In the morning...”
“It is morning.” She walked to the window. “See that? The sun is rising. It's a new day.” She looked at her phone. “And it's already a good one. I got to spend a while feeling human.”
I laughed. “Yeah. Me too.”
I took out my phone. She got up and walked away. She left me alone to do the bravest thing of my life so far.
THE END
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