His stomach picked that moment to growl.
“Yeah,” she said. “That’s what I thought.”
He looked her in the eye. “Is this going to be okay?” he asked.
Her expression softened. He knew he was seeing the side of Tilly few people ever got to see. She tucked his hair behind his ears before she clasped his hands in hers. “I can’t promise you it will, but everything I’m seeing looks good. It’s too soon to tell.”
“Thank you for being here.”
“Hey, I’m a pushy bestie. Kind of my job.”
“How bad was it last night?” he asked. “Really. Honestly.”
Her brow furrowed and her mouth pressed into a straight, grim line before she answered. “We almost lost her. Twice. Literally, if we’d waited for an ambulance, she probably wouldn’t have made it. They might have saved the baby through an emergency C-section, but Eva would have bled out. I was actually the one who started the IV on her in the ER as the rest of them were trying to get her intubated and ready to move to the OR. I guess I kind of went a little Nurse Dommey, and they kind of forgot I didn’t work there, at first. Then they got her intubated and I took over the bag.”
She smiled. “They didn’t bother questioning me until I nearly ended up in the OR with them. That’s when they finally realized I was barefoot, and one of these things is not like the other, and ran me out.” She sighed. “I forgot how frantic ER shifts could be. They were my favorite in rotation, I think. No shocker there.”
She studied her hands. “Then they almost lost her again on the table during the second surgery. That’s why they had to do the hysterectomy, they kept pumping blood and fluids in her to get her BP back up. It was the only option.”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
“Hey, what good are those little letters after my name if I don’t get to use them every once in a while? And all those damned bedpans and adult diapers I had to change in school.” She smiled.
“And now you help make movies.” He finally managed a smile.
“Yeah, well, being a nurse was sort of sadistic in some ways, and I transitioned into a pro-Domme. Which was sadism and fulfilling fantasies. Now I get to torture Hollyweird execs and fulfill people’s fantasies on film. Kind of funny, when you think about it. The paths we take.”
He thought about the funeral, held at the base chapel, a family picture of all four of them propped on an easel as he held a sobbing Cherise in his lap and people they barely or didn’t know filed past and told them how sorry they were.
About the two urns sitting on a shelf in the living room at home.
About how alone he’d felt, how he’d forced himself to be strong because it was all he could do to make himself breathe, and he knew he needed to take care of Cherise.
How different his life would have turned out had Cherise not needed to pee and wanted frozen lemonade when she did.
How they might have died, too. Or if he’d left the area by himself, or not gone with them, how he might have later just killed himself out of grief.
How he’d locked his true grief away for years. Maybe he’d been cutting himself emotionally for two decades by keeping his standards so high he didn’t have to risk letting anyone in, until he met Eva.
And now…
He had a pack.
He’d only thought he’d grieved. Lied to himself. Yes, he’d cried, alone and with Cherise.
But he hadn’t really released it. The guilt. Survivor’s guilt. Guilt that maybe he fucked up Cherise’s life.
Maybe Eva wasn’t the only one who had old issues to let go of.
Tilly gently tapped him in the middle of the forehead, bringing him back. “Shower, coffee, food. And I need to show you the chores and stuff everyone has to do every day. I already did ours for the day and signed off on the sheet before I came back up. When you check out, you have to make sure the room is clean, and wash all your linen and towels and stuff, and leave it ready for the next person to check in.”
“All right.”
“I’ll even cook you breakfast. The kitchen is open to whoever needs it.”
“What about Cherise?”
“We’ll take her something. They have take-out cartons in the kitchen for just that purpose.”
“All right.”
She dug out his clothes and handed them to him. Fresh briefs, shorts, jeans, two different shirts. “I didn’t know what you’d want, and we were guessing. Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” He wouldn’t be able to shave, but that was okay. The bathroom even had hotel-sized soap and shampoo. Tilly had brought a travel kit for herself, so he didn’t worry about what he used or leaving enough. After he emerged, with the same jeans from the night before, but a different shirt, she smiled.
“You nearly look human again.”
“Thanks.” He pulled his hair back with an elastic band that was actually one of Eva’s but had somehow made it into his pocket the night before.
He made the bed while Tilly showered. When she emerged, she still wore her Crocs, but she’d put on jeans and a tank top under a long-sleeved shirt left unbuttoned and the sleeves rolled up. No makeup, and she’d pulled her wet hair back into a messy bun, and looked nothing like the Tilly he thought he knew.
“Don’t look so shocked,” she teased. “Hey, ask Jesse about the night of Leo’s accident, what I was wearing when I picked him up.”
“Sorry.”
She walked over to where he sat on the end of the bed and pulled him against her for a hug. “Stop that,” she lightly said. “Quit apologizing. Hey, you know I love you guys because very few people get to see me like this. I’m not a ball-busting bitch all the time. Only most of it.” She kissed the top of his head. “You’re speeeecial.”
She repacked some things to take to the hospital with them, including phone chargers, and then led him downstairs. “Oh, here’s your room key.” She handed him one. “We only have the two.”
The place amazed him. She got him seated at a table. “Omelet okay?” she asked.
“Perfect.”
She rummaged through the kitchen and fifteen minutes later, they were both eating. She’d made enough for Cherise as well before cleaning up the dishes and pan they’d used. It was nearly four thirty when a security car from the hospital picked them up and took them back.
Now he could orient himself a little. He recognized a couple of buildings and knew where he was. He could also pay attention and actually read signs in the hallways as Tilly unerringly led him back to the NICU.
After they scrubbed in, they found Cherise in the glider, feet propped up, Kenny tucked against her chest and sleeping, while she had a Kindle lying on her lap.
“Hey,” she whispered. “He just went back to sleep.”
She moved to get up but he stopped her. “No, let him sleep.”
“I really have to pee,” Cherise whispered.
“Oh. Okay.” She handed him the Kindle to tuck into her purse, then she got up, with Tilly and the nurse helping move monitor leads and Kenny’s oxygen tube and IV line, and then a few moments later Nate was sitting there with his son still sleeping.
So tiny. He didn’t even remember Cherise being that small when she was first born.
“How much did he weigh when he was born?” he asked the nurse.
She looked it up. “Five pounds, six ounces. Darned good for a preemie. And his lungs are in good shape, too.”
He smiled. “He would have been a moose at forty weeks.” He looked at his sister. “You weighed over eight pounds.”
Tilly got caught up with the details of Kenny’s condition. This time, Nate actually processed most of what the nurse said.
“So we’re looking probably at a two-week stay,” Tilly guessed.
The nurse nodded. “Depends on how all his results come out, he gains weight as expected, and if he is able to feed without any trouble. No promises, of course, but in my experience that would be about right. Maybe three weeks.”
Perhaps three we
eks until they could bring their son home.
He laid his head back. He sat with one arm curled around his son, who lay against his chest. The other hand, he cupped around his son’s back. He felt him breathing, slow and easily, felt his heart beating in his chest.
He felt so tiny, so fragile.
Cherise traded car keys for the room key with Tilly.
“Wait,” Nate said. “Where are you going?”
“Don’t panic, Daddio,” Tilly said. “I’m going to run south and check on Eva, pick up more clothes for us, and make sure Cris and Landry de-crime-scened my car.”
“I thought you said I would have to do that,” he joked.
“Yeah, well, you can wash it a few times. If we’d left it, we’d never get the mess out of it. I’ll be back in a few hours. I want to miss the worst of rush hour.” She leaned in and kissed him. “You’ll be fine for a couple of hours. You’re conscious, vertical, and caffeinated. You got this.” She squeezed his shoulder, gave Cherise a hug, and…
She was gone.
Cherise settled into the other chair to eat. “Wade’s going to come pick me up tonight. I won’t leave until Tilly gets back. I need to notify all your clients for tomorrow and Tuesday, at the very least. I’ll be back tomorrow night for a few hours.”
Work. Oh, yeah. He had that, didn’t he?
“Jesse and Leo are coordinating a schedule down there,” Cherise added. “That way all three of you will be able to work. We’ll play Wednesday by ear, but I’ll move the rest of your morning appointments for the next couple of weeks so you can sleep up here and then drive down.”
“What would I do without you?”
She shrugged. “Let’s not find out.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nate had just finished eating dinner, which he’d picked up from the cafeteria, and swapped out holding Kenny so Cherise could eat. Then he felt his phone ringing in his back pocket, and Cherise had to help him dig it out.
It was Tilly, with a FaceTime call.
Only it wasn’t Tilly’s face which appeared on his phone, it was Eva’s.
Nate struggled not to break down crying with relief to see her there. “Hey, sweetheart.”
Tilly stuck her head next to Eva’s and waved. “Dude, move the phone so she can see the peanut!”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” He changed the angle and saw Tilly pass Eva a box of tissues.
She was crying.
Damn. He would likely start crying, too, if she didn’t stop that.
“He’s beautiful,” Eva sniffled.
“He should be, love. You’re his mother.”
“Tilly showed me pictures. It doesn’t feel real yet.”
“You’ve been through a lot,” he said. “We’ll get you healed up and then you can be here with him.”
“Oh,” Tilly said from off-screen. “Hold on.”
Two more faces crowded in on either side of Eva. Leo and Jesse.
“Hey, little guy!” Leo said.
“Don’t call Nate a little guy,” Jesse joked, making Eva smile even through her tears.
“He’s gorgeous,” Leo said. “Can’t wait to get him home.”
“Laurel is beyond indignant that she can’t see him yet,” Jesse said. “She thinks we’re hiding him.”
“Why?”
“We haven’t told her exactly what happened,” Leo said. “We didn’t want to scare her.”
“June’s going to handle taking care of her, getting her to school and back this week,” Jesse said.
Nate missed his family. Not just Eva, but all of them. He wanted their house, as small and crowded as it now felt.
Wanted his pack.
Cherise wanted in on the action and moved so she could be in the picture. “Aunt Cherise gets to hog him for now.” She playfully blew them a raspberry. “Don’t worry, you’ll get to do aaalll the midnight feedings and changes soon enough. You focus on healing.”
“Okay, everyone,” Tilly said. “Shoo. Let the two of them talk and make moony eyes at each other for a couple of minutes.”
Cherise smiled as she got out of the way and went back to eating.
“Are you still in the ICU?” Nate asked Eva.
“Yeah. They might move me in the morning.” She held up a finger with a plastic clip attached to the end. “I keep setting this stupid thing off.”
She was on oxygen, too, and looked…well, bloody horrible.
Much like he felt.
“I’m sorry I can’t be there, love.”
“No, it’s okay. I want you there with him. Everyone’s taking care of me down here. I’m glad you’re there with him.”
Tilly didn’t let her talk for long. “She needs to rest, and you have your hands full. Anything you need from your house?”
“I’ll text you.”
“Okay. Say good-night because I need my phone back.”
Nate wanted to stare at Eva all night long. “Be my good girl,” he said. “I love you.”
Eva nodded. “Yes, Sir. Love you, too.”
He ended the call and laid the phone in his lap.
Cherise snorted.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. Never thought I’d see you so emotional, bro.” She grinned. “I like this new and improved you.”
“I’m emotional.”
“No, it’s good. Usually you’re very…” She seemed to search for the word. “British,” she said, affecting an accent. “Stiff upper lip, what.” She tipped her head toward the baby. “You seem more relaxed now. Settled.” She forked a bite of salad into her mouth. “It’s a good change.”
“I was twelve when you were born,” he said. “I look back on that and it seems impossibly young. Such a long time ago. I never dreamed what we’d go through. And, honestly? I never dreamed I’d be the father of a newborn. I had a few weeks there where I was enjoying the idea of co-parenting a baby, just to find out I fathered one. And now he’s here.”
“You’re still co-parenting,” she said. “Those two guys will be pitching in. They’re as excited to be parents as…well, before last night, obviously, as you were.”
“I am excited. I’m just…terrified.”
“She’s okay. You heard. She’ll be moved into a regular room probably tomorrow.”
“I keep wondering if this is a nightmare and I’ll awaken and realize no, just new father jitters, and everything’s fine.”
“Everything is fine. Now,” she added. Then, her tone changed, thick, choked. “They’re both alive, so it’s all good. Nothing can be worse than that day,” she whispered. “Nothing.”
“I didn’t think so either,” he said. “But this was.”
* * * *
On Monday, doctors and other specialists who hadn’t been at the hospital over the weekend were now available to talk to Nate and examine his son. Nate’s day was a flurry of activity and note-taking and begging Tilly not to ever leave his side.
Tuesday was a little better, especially being able to go back to the room and have a semi-private conversation with Eva over FaceTime. She was now out of the ICU and in a private room, and June had brought Laurel over to visit Eva for a little while after school. She got to talk to Nate on FaceTime and see the baby that way. Leo and Jesse came up that night to visit and see the baby and bring Nate his car.
It was Wednesday before Nate was able to leave St. Pete. He arose before dawn and stopped by the hospital to see Kenny before heading south.
It was a little after seven when he found Eva’s room. Cris was asleep in a recliner over on the far side of the room, and Eva looked exhausted, even in sleep.
He sat in the chair next to her bed and stared at her, afraid to wake her up. He hated to disturb her.
Apparently, Cris was a much lighter sleeper. He sat up. “Hey,” he mumbled before yawning.
Nate raised a hand in greeting, trying not to awaken Eva, but her eyes fluttered open.
He immediately caught her hand and brought it to his lips. “Good morning, love.”
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She squeezed his hand tightly, desperately, as her eyes closed again. “Good morning, Sir.”
He managed to get the bed rail down and climbed in with her, holding her as she softly cried against him.
“I love you, Sir,” she said.
“I love you, too, sweetheart.” He closed his eyes, relieved to have her in his arms again. Yes, she still had healing of her own to go through, but she was healing. It would only be a matter of days before she was released. She’d be out now had it not been for the complications.
“Is he really okay?”
“He’s beautiful, and he can’t wait to see his mommy.”
He only stayed an hour before heading to the house. Leo and Jesse both had left already. Even empty, without the sounds of his pack there, it felt better being home.
He quickly grabbed what he’d need to take back with him to St. Pete after he finished work, then stopped in the living room.
Their family picture from their wedding day sat there on the mantel. All of them, the group shot. Him and Eva, with Laurel in front of them, with Jesse and Leo and Cherise and Wade flanking them.
He pulled his phone out and carefully snapped a picture of it. It wasn’t the same as having them all with him, but it was something he could look at.
And that was almost as good.
Good enough until they were all together again.
* * * *
They were able to change rooms at the Ronald McDonald House to get one with two beds. At any given time, there were two or three of them staying in the room at night, including the night Nate ended up sharing a bed with Jesse because Tilly had claimed the other one.
And neither man felt brave enough to wake her up to make her share the bed.
It was eight days before Eva was discharged from the hospital. When Leo and Jesse brought Eva up to All Children’s that Monday evening, Nate still worried about her but they all assured him she was cleared to be there.
“I can’t lift anything heavier than a pillow,” she said. “But at least I can hold our son.”
Nate kept a steadying arm around her in the NICU after she got scrubbed in and he helped her to Kenny’s bed. When she saw the baby lying there, she started crying again. He could sympathize.