CHAPTER XVIII.
AN EVENING AT THE "GOOSE AND GRIDIRON."
Those political debaters who met together weekly at the "Goose andGridiron" were certainly open to the insinuation that they copiedthe practices of another debating society, which held its sittingsfarther west. In some respects they did so, and were perhaps evenservile in their imitation. They divided themselves into parties, ofwhich each had an ostensible leader. But then there was always someambitious but hardly trustworthy member who endeavoured to gatherround him a third party which might become dominant by trimmingbetween the other two; and he again would find the ground cut frombeneath his feet by new aspirants. The members never called eachother by their own names, but addressed each always as "The worthyGoose," speaking at such moments with the utmost courtesy. Thiswould still be done, though the speaker were using all his energyto show that that other Goose was in every sense unworthy. They hada perpetual chairman, for whom they affected the most unboundedrespect. He was generally called "The Grand," his full title being"The Most Worthy Grand Goose;" and members on their legs, when theywished to address the meeting with special eloquence, and wereabout to speak words which they thought peculiarly fit for publicattention, would generally begin by thus invoking him. "Most WorthyGrand," they would say. But this when done by others than wellaccustomed speakers, was considered as a work either of arroganceor of ignorance. This great officer was much loved among them, andfamiliarly he was called "My Grand." Though there was an immensity oftalk at these meetings, men speaking sometimes by the half hour whosesilence the club would have been willing to purchase almost at anyprice, there were not above four established orators. There werefour orators, of each of whom it was said that he copied the mannerand tone of some great speaker in that other society. There was ourfriend Robinson, who in the elegance of his words, and the brilliancyof his ideas, far surpassed any other Goose. His words wereirresistible, and his power in that assembly unequalled. But yet, asmany said, it was power working only for evil. The liberal party towhich he had joined himself did not dare to stand without him; butyet, if the whispers that got abroad were true, they would only toogladly have dispensed with him. He was terrible as a friend; but thenhe could be more terrible as a foe.
Then there was Crowdy,--Crowdy, whose high-flown ideas hardly talliedwith the stern realities of his life. Crowdy was the leader of thosewho had once held firmly by Protection. Crowdy had been staunchlytrue to his party since he had a party, though it had been said ofhim that the adventures of Crowdy in search of a party had been verylong and very various. There had been no Goose with a bitterer tonguethan Crowdy; but now in these days a spirit of quiescence had fallenon him; and though he spoke as often as ever, he did not wield sodeadly a tomahawk.
Then there was the burly Buggins, than whom no Goose had a morefluent use of his vernacular. He was not polished as Robinson, norhad he ever possessed the exquisite keenness of Crowdy. But inspeaking he always hit the nail on the head, and carried his hearerswith him by the energy and perspicuity of his argument. But bydegrees the world of the Goose and Gridiron had learned that Bugginstalked of things which he did not understand, and which he had notstudied. His facts would not bear the light. Words fell from hismouth sweeter than honey; but sweet as they were they were of noavail. It was pleasant to hear Buggins talk, but men knew that it wasuseless.
But perhaps the most remarkable Goose in that assembly, as decidedlyhe was the most popular, was old Pan. He traced his birth to themighty blood of the great Pancabinets, whose noble name he stillproudly bore. Every one liked old Pancabinet, and though he did notnow possess, and never had possessed, those grand oratorical powerswhich distinguished so highly the worthy Geese above mentioned, noGoose ever rose upon his legs more sure of respectful attention. Thesway which he bore in that assembly was very wonderful, for he was anold man, and there were there divers Geese of unruly spirit. Latelyhe had associated himself much with our friend Robinson, for whichmany blamed him. But old Pancabinet generally knew what he was about,and having recognized the tremendous power of the young merchant fromBishopsgate Street, was full sure that he could get on better withhim than he could against him.
It was pleasant to see "My Grand" as he sat in his big arm-chair,with his beer before him, and his long pipe in his mouth. A benignsmile was ever on his face, and yet he showed himself plainlyconscious that authority lived in his slightest word, and that he hadbut to nod to be obeyed. That pipe was constant in his hand, and wasthe weapon with which he signified his approbation of the speakers.When any great orator would arise and address him as Most WorthyGrand, he would lay his pipe for an instant on the table, and,crossing his hands on his ample waistcoat, would bow serenely to theGoose on his legs. Then, not allowing the spark to be extinguishedon his tobacco, he would resume the clay, and spread out over hishead and shoulders a long soft cloud of odorous smoke. But when anyupstart so addressed him,--any Goose not entitled by character touse the sonorous phrase,--he would still retain his pipe, and simplywink his eye. It was said that this distinction quite equalled thedifference between big type and little. Perhaps the qualificationwhich was most valued among The Geese, and most specially valued byThe Worthy Grand, was a knowledge of the Forms of the Room, as it wascalled. These rules or formulas, which had probably been graduallyinvented for the complication of things which had once been toosimple, were so numerous that no Goose could remember them all whowas not very constant in his attention, and endowed with an accuratememory. And in this respect they were no doubt useful;--that whenyoung and unskilled Geese tried to monopolize the attention of theRoom, they would be constantly checked and snubbed, and at lastsubdued and silenced, by some reference to a forgotten form. No Goosecould hope to get through a lengthy speech without such interruptiontill he had made the Forms of the Room a long and painful study.
On the evening in question,--that same evening on which Robinsonhad endeavoured to tear out the tongue of Brisket,--the Geese wereassembled before eight o'clock. A motion that had been made elsewherefor the repeal of the paper duties was to be discussed. It was knownthat the minds of many Geese were violently set against a measurewhich they presumed to be most deleterious to the country; but oldPan, under the rigorous instigation of Robinson, had given in hisadhesion, and was prepared to vote for the measure,--and to talk forit also, should there be absolute necessity. Buggins also was on thesame side,--for Buggins was by trade a radical. But it was felt byall that the debate would be nothing unless Robinson should be thereto "chaw up" Crowdy, as had been intimated to our friend by thatworthy Goose the young Poppins.
But at eight o'clock and at a quarter past eight Robinson wasnot there. Crowdy, not wishing to lacerate his foe till that foeshould be there to feel the wounds, sat silent in his usual seat.Pancabinet, who understood well the beauty of silence, would notbegin the fray. Buggins was ever ready to talk, but he was cunningenough to know that a future opportunity might be more valuable thanthe present one. Then up jumped Poppins. Now Poppins was no orator,but he felt that as the friend of Robinson, he was bound to addressthe meeting on the present occasion. There were circumstances whichshould be explained. "Most worthy Grand,--" he began, startingsuddenly to his legs; whereupon the worthy Grand slightly drew backhis head, still holding his pipe between his lips, and winked at theunhappy Poppins. "As the friend of the absent Robinson--" he went on;but he was at once interrupted by loud cries of "order" from everyside of the Room. And, worse than that, the Grand frowned at him.There was no rule more established than that which forbade the nameof any Goose to be mentioned. "I beg the Grand's pardon," continuedPoppins; "I mean the absent worthy Goose. As his friend I rise tosay a few words. I know he feels the greatest interest about thismeasure, which has been brought forward in the House of C--" Butagain he was interrupted. "Order, order, order," was shouted at himby vociferous Geese on every side, and the Grand frowned at himtwice. When the Grand had frowned at a member three times, thatmember was silenced for the night. In this matter the assembly at the
"Goose and Gridiron" had not copied their rule from any other Body.But it is worthy of consideration whether some other Body might notdo well to copy theirs. "I beg the Grand's pardon again," said theunhappy Poppins; "but I meant in another place." Hereupon a worthyGoose got up and suggested that their numbers should be counted. Nowthere was a rule that no debate could be continued unless a dozenGeese were present; and a debate once closed, was closed for thatnight. When such a hint was given to the Grand, it became the Grand'sduty to count his Geese, and in order to effect this in accordancewith the constitution of the assembly, it was necessary that theservants should withdraw. Strangers also were sometimes present,and at such moments they were politely asked to retire. When thesuggestion was made, the suggestor no doubt knew that the requisitenumber was not there, but it usually happened on such occasions thatsome hangers-on were at hand to replenish the room. A Goose or twomight be eating bread and cheese in the little parlour,--for foodcould not be introduced into the debating-room; and a few of theyounger Geese might often be found amusing themselves with theyoung lady at the bar. Word would be passed to them that the Grandwas about to count, and indeed they would hear the tap of histobacco-stopper on the table. Then there would be a rush among thesehungry and amorous Geese, and so the number would be made up. Thatthey called making a flock.
When the suggestion was given on the present occasion the Grand putdown his tankard from his hand and proceeded to the performance ofhis duty. Turning the mouthpiece of his long pipe-clay out from him,he pointed it slowly to one after another, counting them as he sopointed. First he counted up old Pancabinet, and a slight twinklemight be seen in the eyes of the two old men as he did so. Then,turning his pipe round the room, he pointed at them all, and it wasfound that there were fifteen present. "There is a flock, and thediscreet and worthy Goose is in possession of the room," he said,bowing to Poppins. And Poppins again began his speech.
It was but a blundering affair, as was too often the case with thespeeches made there; and then when Poppins sat down, the great Crowdyrose slowly to his legs. We will not attempt to give the speech ofthis eloquent Goose at length, for the great Crowdy often made longspeeches. It may suffice to say that having a good cause he madethe best of it, and that he pitched into our poor Robinson mostunmercifully, always declaring as he did so that as his friendthe enterprising and worthy Goose was absent, his own mouth waseffectually closed. It may be noted here that whenever a Goose wasin commerce the epithet "enterprising" was always used when he wasmentioned; and if he held or ever had held a service of trust, asPoppins did, he was called the "discreet" Goose. And then, just asCrowdy finished his speech, the swinging door of the room was opened,and Robinson himself started up to his accustomed place.
It was easy to see that both the inner man had been disturbed andthe outer. His hair and clothes had been ruffled in the embracewith Brisket, and his heart had been ruffled in its encounter withMaryanne. He had come straight from Bishopsgate Street to the "Gooseand Gridiron;" and now when he walked up to his seat, all the Geeseremained silent waiting for him to declare himself.
"Most worthy Grand," he began; and immediately the long pipe waslaid upon the table and the hands of the Grand were crossed upon hisbosom. "A circumstance has occurred to-night, which unfits me forthese debates." "No, no, no," was shouted on one side; and "hear,hear, hear," on the other; during which the Grand again bowed andthen resumed his pipe.
"If the chamber will allow me to wander away from paper for a moment,and to open the sores of a bleeding heart--"
"Question, question," was then called by a jealous voice.
"The enterprising and worthy Goose is perfectly in order," said theburly Buggins. "Many a good heart will bleed before long if thisdebate is to be choked and smothered by the cackle of the incapable."
"I submit that the question before the chamber is the repeal of thepaper duties," said the jealous voice, "and not the bleeding heart ofthe enterprising and worthy Goose."
"The question before the cabinet is," said My Grand, "that thechamber considers that two millions a-year will be lost for ever bythe repeal of the paper duties; but if the enterprising and worthyGoose have any personal remarks to make bearing on that subject, hewill be in order."
"It is a matter of privilege," suggested Poppins.
"A personal explanation is always allowed," said Robinson,indignantly; "nor did I think that any member of this chamber wouldhave had the baseness to stop my voice when--"
"Order--order--order!"
"I may have been wrong to say baseness in this chamber, however basethe worthy Goose may be; and, therefore, with permission of ourworthy Grand, I will substitute 'hardihood.'" Whereupon the worthyGrand again bowed. But still there were cries of question from theside of the room opposite to that on which Robinson sat.
Then old Pancabinet rose from his seat, and all voices were hushed.
"If I may be allowed to make a suggestion," said he, "I would saythat the enterprising and worthy Goose should be heard on a matterpersonal to himself. It may very probably be that the privileges ofthis chamber are concerned; and I think I may say that any worthyGoose speaking on matters affecting privilege in this chamber isalways heard with that attention which the interest of the subjectdemands." After that there was no further interruption, and Robinsonwas allowed to open his bleeding heart.
"Most worthy Grand," he again began, and again the pipe was laiddown, for Robinson was much honoured. "I come here hot from a sceneof domestic woe, which has robbed me of all political discretion,and made the paper duty to me an inscrutable mystery. The worthyGeese here assembled see before them a man who has been terriblyinjured; one in whose mangled breast Fate has fixed her sharpestdagger, and poisoned the blade before she fixed it." "No--no--no.""Hear--hear--hear." "Yes, my Grand; she poisoned the blade before shefixed it. On Tuesday next I had hoped--" and here his voice becameinexpressibly soft and tender, "on Tuesday next I had hoped tobecome one bone and one flesh with a fair girl whom I have loved formonths;--fair indeed to the outer eye, as flesh and form can makeher; but ah! how hideously foul within. And I had hoped on this dayse'nnight to have received the congratulations of this chamber. Ineed not say that it would have been the proudest moment of my life.But, my Grand, that has all passed away. Her conduct has been theconduct of a Harpy. She is a Regan. She is false, heartless, andcruel; and this night I have renounced her."
Hereupon a small Goose, very venomous, but vehemently attached to theprivileges of his chamber, gave notice of a motion that that falsewoman should be brought before the Most Worthy Grand, and heardat the bar of the "Goose and Gridiron." But another worthy Gooseshowed that the enterprising and worthy Goose had by his own showingrenounced the lady himself, and that, therefore, there could havebeen no breach of the privilege of the chamber. The notice of motionwas then withdrawn.
"O woman!" continued Robinson, "how terrible is thy witchcraft,and how powerful are thy charms! Thou spakest, and Adam fell. Thousangest, and Samson's strength was gone. The head of the last of theprophets was the reward of thy meretricious feet. 'Twas thy damnableeloquence that murdered the noble Duncan. 'Twas thy lascivious beautythat urged the slaughter of the noble Dane. As were Adam and Samson,so am I. As were Macbeth and the foul king in the play, so is myrival Brisket. Most worthy Grand, this chamber must hold me excusedif I decline to-night to enter upon the subject of the paper duties."Then Robinson left the chamber, and the discussion was immediatelyadjourned to that day se'nnight.