‘Ellie, I’m so sorry. Are you OK?’
But I was in trouble. The images had already started, spinning and ringing in my head. Strange, unsettling images. Of Elena. Laughing at someone. Scowling. The images appeared faster and faster. So fast that I couldn’t discern what they were. But they were all to do with Ellie. Her face spun around me, distorted and ugly to look at, like a constantly tilting watercolour of her face, where the paint was still wet and kept running this way, then that, distorting her features. And then Elena’s true face was back. But she didn’t look like she did on the train. This time her hair was shorter, the way she used to wear it a year or so ago. And she and another girl I vaguely recognized sat in a place of sad silence.
11
Elena’s Nightmare
I FEEL THINGS deeply – too deeply. That’s always been my problem, my nightmare. I love too much. And when someone lets me down, I hurt too much. I know it, and yet I don’t seem to be able to do anything about it.
Take my friend Katey. She let me down badly – and yet I’d forgiven her.
And here I was, keeping her company when, if I had any sense, I’d be doing something a lot more interesting, like painting my toenails.
‘I thought we were friends. I thought we were best friends,’ Katey complained.
I sighed. Katey was at it again. What a bore.
‘We are best friends,’ I told her.
‘I don’t believe you, Ellie …’ Katey argued.
I sighed again. Katey was really tedious when she snivelled at me. Sometimes she reminded me of a small, yapping dog, snapping at my heels. Katey was my age – thirteen – with huge, laughing, honey-brown eyes set in a pretty, honey-brown oval face. Only she hadn’t done much laughing of late – only complaining. What did she have to complain about? I was the one who’d been hurt. I was the one who’d been betrayed by her. Yes, I had forgiven her … but I hadn’t forgotten. I would never forget.
I tried to placate her. ‘We are best friends. We have been since we were seven.’
‘Then why are you going out with him?’ Katey continued.
I took a deep breath, trying to smother the angry impatience rising within me. I didn’t have to be here, I really didn’t.
‘Katey, give me a break. Luke is just a friend. He makes me laugh and we’ve been to the cinema together a few times. That’s all – no big deal. And besides – you’re the one who went out with him first. You knew I liked him but you went out with him anyway. And you’re the one who didn’t have any time for me after you started seeing him – remember?’
‘Yeah, and you took care of that,’ Katey said bitterly.
‘What was I supposed to do?’ I asked. ‘Suddenly it was you and Luke and I didn’t exist any more.’
‘And now you’ve taken up where I left off,’ Katey retorted.
‘Look, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going home.’ I stood up, glad to be off the chilly brick wall that’d been my seat.
Katey shook her head. ‘No, don’t. I’m sorry. I’ll shut up about Luke.’
I didn’t sit down again. Truth to tell, I wanted to go home. Katey was no fun any more.
I looked around, taking in the tall sweet chestnut trees, their leaves green and plentiful. It was a slow, sleepy summer evening. The sun was low in the red-orange sky and somewhere nearby a bird was chirping. It was my favourite time of day – when the day was dying and the night was close to being born.
‘So what did you do today?’ Katey asked, shuffling to sit properly on the brick wall which surrounded her home.
I gave in and sat down beside her again. ‘Not much. Went to school. Went home. Came here to see you.’
I could see that that pleased Katey. A smile lit her face. There was a pause.
‘Do you really like Luke?’ she asked, watching me.
I shrugged, then grinned sheepishly.
‘I liked Luke. I was really stuck on him. But then you already know that, don’t you?’ Katey said quietly.
‘He liked you a lot too. He still talks about you,’ I told her.
That really made her day. I sighed inwardly. Lying was such hard work – and so was Katey.
‘So what have you been up to?’ I tried desperately to disguise my lack of interest.
‘I chatted to Mrs Silver. She’s just moved in next to me,’ Katey replied.
‘What’s she like?’
‘Not bad for an oldi …’ Katey twittered on while I did my best to make the appropriate noises in the right places. Surprisingly, it didn’t take her long to catch on to what I was doing.
‘You’re not listening to a single word I’m saying, are you?’ she fumed.
‘Of course I am,’ I protested.
Katey glared at me, her expression icy. ‘I think you’re really mean, Elena. I’m only here because of you—’
‘Don’t start—’ I began.
‘Don’t start! I spend all day and all night here … in this place …’ Katey swept her arm round in an arc to pan her surroundings. ‘I have no real friends, no one to talk to, no one to confide in – except you. You don’t even come to see me every day like you promised me you would. And then when you are here you can’t wait to get away …’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I just have a lot on my mind at the moment.’
‘Yeah, but you can walk away from whatever’s troubling you. I can’t. I’m stuck here – thanks to you,’ Katey said tearfully.
Here we go! I thought. She was always trying to make me feel guilty.
‘There’s no one of my own age here,’ Katey continued. ‘You can’t imagine how lonely it gets sometimes—’
‘Not again, Katey – please,’ I pleaded.
Katey opened her mouth to speak, only to snap it shut again without saying a word.
‘Katey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,’ I said.
‘Yes, you did,’ Katey replied quietly. ‘Go away, Elena. You know you want to. Go away and leave me alone.’
‘Don’t be like that, Katey,’ I said. ‘I know it’s my fault you’re here but—’
‘There are no buts,’ Katey dismissed. ‘You couldn’t give a stuff about how I feel. All I ask you to do is visit me every evening – that’s all. Even if it’s only for five minutes. That’s not too much to expect, is it?’
I thought about what Katey had said as I walked home. She was right. It was my fault she was in that place. For the first time I thought about what it would be like to be Katey, stuck in one place, with no one to really talk to. I wouldn’t like it – not one little bit.
All right then, Katey, I thought. I’ll see what I can do. Then maybe you’ll stop blaming me for everything bad that’s ever happened to you.
As I walked home I wondered if I could get a friend to visit Katey with me. But not Luke. Never Luke. Someone else. A mutual friend. It would be a bit tricky, but then Katey wouldn’t feel quite so isolated. A strange feeling swept through me. It tightened my mouth and made me clench my fists. Even now, I couldn’t bear the thought of Katey and Luke together. After everything that had happened I was still jealous. Another wave descended over me, and another.
Her accident was my fault. And her loneliness – that was my fault too.
So what do I do? Blame myself and, deep, deep down, resent Katey for the way she makes me feel.
I had to do something. We couldn’t go on like this.
I fell asleep that night pondering on the problem.
When I awoke I still didn’t have the answer.
* * *
‘Luke, do you remember Katey Fisher?’
‘Yes, of course. I remember her very well. It was a shame about her accident.’
I nodded. It was Saturday afternoon and we were in our usual Saturday afternoon haunt – Pizza Perfection. If it wasn’t for our group I reckoned the place would go out of business.
‘What about Katey?’ Luke asked.
‘Do you … did you like her?’
Luke shrugged, trying to look noncha
lant. ‘Yeah, she was all right. We got on well together. She was the same person all the time. I liked that.’
I frowned. What did he mean by that? I let it pass.
‘Why are you asking about her?’
‘I think about her sometimes,’ I replied.
‘So do I – sometimes. I liked Katey. She was a good friend,’ said Luke.
‘Ellie, wasn’t Katey your best friend?’ asked Kendra, another girl from our group.
‘Yeah …’ I nodded, then glanced down at my watch. ‘Come on, Luke, we’re going to miss the start of the film if we don’t move. You did remember to bring the tickets, didn’t you?’
Luke frowned at me. ‘You’ve got the tickets.’
I pursed my lips while the others around us started grinning. ‘No, Luke, I gave the tickets to you three days ago.’
‘No, you didn’t.’ Luke’s frown deepened.
‘Yes I did,’ I said patiently. ‘And you said you were going to put them under your computer keyboard in your bedroom so you wouldn’t forget them.’
‘Oh hell! Did I?’
‘Luke, you’re in trouble!’ Perry called out from across the table.
Everyone around us was cracking up by now!
‘For heaven’s sake, Luke,’ I snapped. ‘I’m not going all the way to your house and back. I’ll wait for you outside the cinema while you go back home for the tickets.’
I stood up and walked out of the restaurant. Luke had no choice but to follow me. I could tell he was behind me without having to look round. I also knew that our friends were watching. I must confess, it gave me a sense of … power – like I was a film star.
‘Actually, Luke,’ I said, once we were alone outside, ‘I’ve changed my mind. I will come back to your house with you if you like.’
My moment as a film star was over. The scene played out for the benefit of our friends could be abandoned now that we were alone. I didn’t want them to think that Luke had me wrapped around his little finger! Once a girl gets a rep for being a wet rag she can’t get rid of it.
‘Yeah, OK.’ Luke shrugged. ‘I’m sorry about the tickets, Elena. I was sure you had them.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ I smiled.
As if anything could ever matter except being with him.
We started walking along in silence. I kept glancing at Luke, unable to believe my luck. I was an item with the hunkiest boy in our school. Somewhere, somehow, I must have done something right! We ducked furtively into the alley by the newsagent’s – Mr Penn didn’t like us using his alley as a short cut – and started walking along the river bank. I loved the river. Sometimes you saw the odd shopping trolley or car tyre floating in the water, but on a day like today it still managed to be one of the prettiest things I’d ever seen. On a day like today the whole world was beautiful.
‘Actually, I’m glad you decided to come with me,’ Luke began slowly. ‘I have something to tell you and I think … I think I should tell you sooner rather than later.’
‘What is it?’ I smiled up at him. He really was gorgeous. Dark brown skin and the darkest brown eyes I’d ever seen. So dark, the irises were almost black. And when he smiled … It was like star bursts. And when he kissed me … His lips were so soft, so gentle. I was crazy about him. I had been from the time he’d come to our school two years previously – but no one had known. It was secret, like a blazing fire inside an icy-cool cavern. In all honesty I could see why Katey had forgotten about me once she’d started going out with Luke. I’d have done the same thing. Well, at least Luke was mine – now that Katey was out of the picture. I still couldn’t feel sorry about that. I’d be a liar if I said otherwise.
‘Elena … I don’t know how to say this without just … saying it. So …’ Luke took a deep breath. ‘I don’t … I don’t want to … go out with you any more.’
I frowned, then smiled up at him, sure he was joking. ‘What?’
‘I don’t want to go out with you any more.’ Luke repeated the words without stumbling over them this time. They were obviously easier to say the second time around.
I stared up at him. My smile slowly faded. ‘Why?’ I asked, my throat tight.
‘No reason.’
‘There must be a reason.’
Luke shrugged. ‘I just think it would be better if we didn’t go out together any more. We can still be friends though …’
‘Is there someone else?’
‘No. I just—’
‘You’re just tired of me,’ I interrupted.
We stopped walking. I looked down at the brown-grey river water, dull and dirty even in the afternoon sunlight. What I’d seen before was just through the eyes of imagination.
‘Ellie, please try to understand. Be reasonable—’
‘Reasonable?’ The word burned my mouth.
I stood still, staring into the river. Luke stood next to me. I could sense his uncertainty. He wanted to go. He wanted to be as far away from me as possible. Inside I was choking, screaming. First Katey, now Luke.
We stood in silence for a while.
‘Don’t get too close to the water, Luke. You can’t swim, can you?’ I remembered.
‘Not a stroke but don’t worry. I have no intention of getting anywhere near that lot!’ Luke retorted, eyeing the murky, muddy water with distaste.
I looked around, my heart hurting. Hurting so much.
It was peaceful here, but now the world wasn’t as beautiful any more. My life was the river. The river was my life. Dark and murky. Filthy … disgusting.
‘Do you ever wonder what’s in there, at the bottom?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t. And whatever’s down there can stay down there as far as I’m concerned.’
Luke’s voice grew stronger, more confident, as he spoke. Now that we were off the embarrassing subject of him dumping me, he was happy to speak. All I could think of was that he was deserting me.
First Katey, now Luke.
‘Luke, did you tell any of your friends that you’re dumping me?’
‘I’m not dumping you,’ Luke protested.
‘Just answer the question please,’ I said.
‘I didn’t tell them we were splitting up – no. I wanted to speak to you first. This is between you and me …’
‘I see …’ I said slowly.
Silence.
‘Well … if that’s how you really feel, then I guess—Oh my God! Look at that!’ I pointed towards the river.
‘At what?’ Luke frowned, his gaze following my finger.
‘At that! At that!’ I said, horrified. ‘My God! What is it?’
‘What?’ Luke moved a step closer and bent forward over the river to take a closer look.
I took one last quick look around.
Then I shoved him.
Luke did a somersault before landing in the water, his arms flailing. He went under immediately. Seconds passed before his head surfaced a little further down the river. He gasped and retched, spitting out the filthy river water. I walked along the bank, careful not to get too close to the water’s edge, careful to keep him in sight.
‘Ellie …’ he gasped. His head went under again.
I looked around. This was the most dangerous part. If anyone should come past now …
Luke’s head re-surfaced. He retched violently, his arms slapping against the surface of the water over and over. He tried to haul his way back to the bank but the water slipped through his fingers and the mud beneath him shifted constantly. I could almost feel the reeds like razor-sharp, icy fingers pulling at his legs and the shifting mud beneath his feet, trying to swallow him whole like a snake.
‘Ellie … help …’ he cried. ‘I can’t … I can’t swim …’
‘Yes, I know,’ I whispered.
‘For God’s sake …’ he screamed.
I took another look around. There was no one in sight.
‘Elena …’
Luke went under again – only this time he didn’t reappear.
&n
bsp; I watched for a while to make sure he wouldn’t come up again. I could hardly risk that. That had been my mistake when I pushed Katey into the river. I’d left too soon and someone else had come along and seen her floating in the water. Luckily for me, Katey died without regaining consciousness – otherwise I might have been in trouble.
Nope, it looked like Luke had definitely gone down for good. I walked back to the cinema. I made a big show of checking my watch every couple of minutes while the queue of people behind me moved slowly into the foyer. Marching in, I asked every member of staff I saw if my boyfriend Luke had phoned or left some kind of message for me. But no, he hadn’t. I stormed back to Pizza Perfection.
‘Is Luke in here?’ I asked, furious.
‘No. I thought you two were going to see a film?’ Perry replied.
‘So did I. I’ve been stood up. The film’s started now,’ I fumed.
I stayed in the restaurant with the rest of them until the evening. They didn’t find Luke’s body until four days later. It was spotted floating face down in the river, all swollen and bloated. When they told me he’d been found, I cried and cried. For days I was inconsolable. It was as if a part of me had died too. I mean it. Luke was … Luke was my love. He’d always have a place in my heart. I know that because I feel things so deeply.
‘Hi, Katey, how are you?’ I smiled.
‘I’m fine, Elena. And yourself?’
‘Not bad.’ I shrugged. ‘Not bad. Well, Luke, aren’t you going to say hello.’
Luke turned his head away from me. His face was ashen, his eyes huge and staring like he still couldn’t quite believe what had happened to him. He’s looked better! I thought with distaste.
‘I’m glad you’re here, Luke,’ I said. ‘It’s good to see you.’
He looked at me, then turned away.
‘I know you’re upset, but you’ll get over it.’
Honestly! What was I supposed to do? Luke had tried to leave me, desert me – just like Katey when she’d first started getting serious about him. So I had to do something …