He hovered above her, his curly blond hair falling across his forehead.
“What?” she asked in response to his stare.
“I was afraid I’d pushed you away for good tonight. It was all about speed with me. I’ve always gone too fast.”
“But that’s exactly what I need, Adam.”
“You go, I go,” he whispered as he undid the buttons on his shirt and shrugged out of it. There was a thick white scar on the left side of his chest, just under his rib cage.
She nodded and reached out to touch his scar. He kissed her again, urgently, their skin-on-skin friction electric. His hands went up to cup her breasts through her bra. She thought she was going to faint. But no, she couldn’t faint. Then she would miss this.
She didn’t realize that she had squeezed her eyes shut and was taking deep breaths through her nose until Adam broke their kiss and looked down at her. “Josey?”
“I’m here,” she said, putting her hands in his hair and bringing his head back down. “I’m here.”
She was distantly aware that the eleven o’clock news had just come on, and the lead story was the body that had been found in the Green Cove River that morning. Not breaking their kiss, Adam stretched one hand above her and reached for the remote control on the end table.
The news anchor started the broadcast by saying, “We are now able to confirm identification of the body as that of thirty-seven-year-old Della Lee Baker of Bald Slope.”
Josey suddenly sat up, so fast she knocked heads with Adam. “Wait. Stop,” she said, putting her hand on his and lowering it so he couldn’t use the remote. She turned to the television.
“Baker’s abandoned car was found in a grassy area this afternoon near the Green Cove Bridge, where officials also discovered what appears to be a suicide note. Baker had a long criminal record that included assault, solicitation, DWI convictions and shoplifting.” They showed an arrest photo of Della Lee. She was smiling, like she wanted it to be a pretty picture of her. “In breaking news, we’ve also learned that her live-in boyfriend, Julian Wallace, also of Bald Slope, was arrested tonight on unrelated charges—assaulting an officer who was responding to a disturbing-the-peace call at the home the couple shared. Wallace confirmed to police that Baker has been missing for weeks, which supports the coroner’s initial findings that the body appears to have been in the water for an extended period. At this time, officials do not suspect foul play. We’ll have more on our morning broadcast, including an interview with the jogger who found the body.”
“Josey, what’s wrong?” Adam said, threading his hands in her hair, trying to get her to look at him. But her eyes were fixed on the screen. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
That made her turn to him. Suddenly her chest hurt. She couldn’t breathe. She quickly stood, disengaging herself from him in a tangle of arms and legs, pinches and pulls. She grabbed her sweater from the floor. “I’ve got to go home.”
“What?” he said, clearly thrown by her abrupt change in mood. “Wait, Josey…”
But she was already out the door.
Josey shot into her house and ran up the stairs in the dark, not even giving Helena time to pop her head out of her room. When she got to her bedroom, she threw open the closet door.
“Thank God,” she said, going to her knees in front of Della Lee, who was in her familiar sitting position on the sleeping bag. She was wearing the clothes that she had on the first day Josey saw her—cropped white T-shirt, blue jeans and only one shoe. Her hair was heavy and flat again. “Helena said you’d come home, but I had to make sure. You’ll never believe what they’re saying about you on the news!”
Della Lee just stared at her. She didn’t seem curious at all.
“There was a body found in the Green Cove River. Your car was found near the bridge, so they think it’s you!”
She still didn’t say anything.
Josey’s heart was pounding. She felt strange, like she was halfway between the real world and a dream. “You know what’s funny? There was a moment there, when they said your name, that I thought about how I never see you eat anything, how you never let me touch you, how you move around without anyone seeing you at night and—you’re going to love this—I thought, what if it’s Della Lee’s ghost in my closet?”
Della Lee remained quiet. She didn’t even blink.
Cold prickles rose on Josey’s skin. Blood rushed to her head. “Isn’t that funny?”
“It’s time for me to leave, Josey,” Della Lee said.
Josey laughed, a tad hysterically. “What are you talking about? Mr. Lamar’s letter hasn’t even come.”
“Josey…”
“And we both know what it will say, right? You’ll wait until the letter comes and we’ll laugh over how you tried to convince me—”
“Josey!” Della Lee said loudly.
Josey finally stopped.
“You made the right decision tonight. I could feel it. You don’t need me any longer.”
“I know I said I wanted you to go, but I didn’t mean it. I want you with me, Della Lee. I really do!”
“You just needed a little push, that’s all.”
“Della Lee,” Josey said, her voice watery and thick. She sounded like she was drowning. “I don’t understand.”
“I didn’t know how to change,” Della Lee said, and as she spoke, smudges of mascara slowly appeared under her eyes like bruises, trails of it snaking down her cheeks again, just like that first day Josey found her in the closet. “I didn’t know how to be around decent people, or how to live without stealing or lying. Destructive behavior was a comfort to me. A cold comfort, because I didn’t think genuine happiness was possible. So I gave up. I was standing on the bridge and my last clear thought was of you. It was strange, because I hadn’t thought of you in years. Then suddenly I was here, in your closet, and it became clear to me what I had to do. Maybe by helping you, I might mean something. That makes me genuinely happy.” She smiled. “You’re going to be okay now, Josey.”
They stared at each other for a long time. Slowly, Josey lifted her hand and reached out to Della Lee, to finally touch her.
“Oldsey?”
Josey jerked her head around to find Helena standing at the end of her bed. Josey stood and quickly motioned her forward. “Helena, come here. This has to end. I want you to meet Della Lee.”
She took Helena’s hand, but when they looked in the closet, Della Lee was gone.
“Della Lee?” Josey stuck her head in and searched the dark corners. Della Lee’s bags and the box were still there, but not Della Lee. She pushed back her clothes, then slid back the secret door. She wasn’t in the candy closet, hiding behind the bags of marshmallows or between the towers of cola. “Della Lee!” She turned around, her eyes searching the room. She went to her knees and looked under the bed.
She got up and was heading out of the room when Helena said softly, “She no here.”
Josey turned to her, shaking her head. “No, she’s here. I know she is.”
“She no here.”
“How do you know?”
“The air.” She took a deep breath. “Clean.”
“You knew she was here,” Josey said desperately. “You saw her. Right? She was real.”
“See? No. Feel.” Helena reached up and touched the crucifix on her necklace. “Feel Oldsey’s ghost.”
Josey barely made it the two steps to her bed. She sat down, so dizzy she had to put her head between her knees. Helena came to sit beside her. After a moment, Josey sat back up. “I don’t want to believe it,” she said, tears coming to her eyes.
Helena put an arm around her and tucked Josey’s head to her shoulder. She was small but strong, and she felt like gristle. “There, there, Oldsey. Dead not dead. Dead only different. Oldsey be okay.” She started rocking Josey back and forth, then she said in a soft, singsongy voice, over and over, “Oldsey be o-kay. Oldsey be o-kay.”
After a while she stopped singing and just rock
ed her.
“Helena?” Josey finally said. “My name isn’t Oldsey.”
Helena lifted Josey’s face so she could look her in the eye. “I know, Josey. And my name Marlena.”
Josey paused, looking at her strangely. “Your name isn’t Helena?”
“No.”
Josey laughed without meaning to, laughed through her tears, laughed at the thought of knowing this woman for the better part of a year and calling her by the wrong name the entire time. And instead of actually correcting Josey and Margaret, Marlena purposely called them by the wrong names too. A joke, like so many other things, that only Marlena understood.
Marlena smiled as she used her thumbs to wipe away Josey’s tears.
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door and Marlena stood and went to the window. She gave Josey an enigmatic look and left the room without another word.
As soon as she was gone, Josey slipped off the side of the bed and sat on the floor, bringing her knees to her chest. She finally looked into the closet and saw Della Lee’s collage sitting there on the sleeping bag where Della Lee had been. She crawled over to it. Della Lee had cut out every photo from Josey’s favorite marked pages. Next to the BON VOYAGE at the top, Della Lee had cut out five more letters and put JOSEY.
She suddenly heard heavy footsteps in the hallway. “Josey?” Adam called. “Josey, where are you?”
She craned her head over the side of the bed. He stopped in her bedroom doorway. He looked worried, tense. When he spotted her, he walked around the bed.
“Josey, what’s wrong?” He knelt in front of her, putting his warm hands on her knees. The warmth seeped through her skirt and threaded through her skin. “Why did you run away? Why are you crying? Talk to me.”
She looked up at him. “The woman on the news tonight, the woman in the river, I knew her.”
He lowered himself to the floor beside her, his stiff leg not giving way easily. “Oh, honey,” he said, putting his arm around her. “I’m so sorry.”
“Adam?”
“Yes?”
“She was my sister.”
14
Now and Later
Dear Josey,
I loved the postcard from Sweden. But you have to stop asking me to join you. How many times do I have to tell you, I am not traveling with you on your honeymoon, you crazy woman.
Everything is fine here. You can stop pretending that your visit next month is just the whim of you two world travelers. I found the ring. Jake honestly thought he could hide it behind my books in the library. The minute I walked into the room, I knew which book it was behind. Oh, Josey, it’s so beautiful. I stood there and bawled like a baby when I found it. Then I heard Jake coming and put the ring back and ran to the kitchen, where I started chopping an onion to explain my tears. I ended up making this huge onion soufflé, which we’ve had for the past three nights for dinner. Did I mention I hate onion soufflé?
I saw your mother yesterday. What is up with her and this cabdriver? I see them all the time. Yesterday she was in the back of his cab, which had stopped at a red light downtown. She was talking nonstop. I didn’t see her let up once. And the cabdriver was smiling and nodding, but not saying a word. He was watching her in the rearview mirror. The light turned green and he didn’t even know, he was so busy watching her.
Last week I went to the cemetery like you asked and put flowers on Della Lee Baker’s grave. It’s been a year and people are still talking about it. One day you’re going to have to tell me why you paid for her funeral.
I had a weird dream about her the other night. I dreamed you and Della Lee and I were walking down a busy street somewhere, but the road was gold, like in The Wizard of Oz. Our arms were linked and we were laughing. People were looking at us like we were movie stars. We were going somewhere, somewhere wonderful, but I didn’t know where. Why am I dreaming about a dead woman I didn’t even know? Is that creepy?
I guess I’ll go now.
No, not yet.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while…and I want to tell you something, something I’ve never told anyone.
God, my hands are shaking.
Okay, you know about me and books, that I have so many, that they’re always around. The thing is, books just appear to me. Out of nowhere. I haven’t bought a book since I was twelve. I’ll walk into a room, and there’s a book that wants me to read it. They follow me sometimes too. I don’t mean they walk after me. I mean, a book I’ll leave at home will show up at work, in my car, on the table at a restaurant. I’m always worried people are going to find out and think I’m crazy. But I thought, I don’t know, that you’d understand.
It’s midnight and I’ve had too much wine and Jake is asleep. I’m going to send this now and regret it. Just remember, if you sic the men in white jackets on me, you don’t get to be my matron of honor.
Love,
C.
Adam came up behind Josey and kissed her neck. Josey closed Chloe’s e-mail.
“Chloe knows about the surprise engagement party,” she said, staring out at the sea as Adam moved her hair away for better access.
“Jake was never good at keeping secrets,” he said into her skin and it made her shiver.
Josey closed her eyes. The things this man could do to her. She was still amazed. Her eyes flew back open when her laptop almost fell off her knees to the balcony floor. “If you keep this up, we’re not going to leave the room. Again. I want to see the ship in the daytime at least once.”
“Josey, get in my bed,” he whispered in her ear.
“That stopped working when you said it in the dining room last night, in front of that elderly couple at our table.”
“In my defense, I didn’t know they were there. And it did work.”
“Okay, yes, it worked but…”
He laughed and straightened, his hands still on her shoulders. “Write Chloe back. I’ll take a shower and show you the ship in the daytime. But I don’t know what the big deal is. It looks the same as it does at night, only brighter.”
“Brighter?” she said eagerly, looking up at him. “Really? I can’t wait! Brighter. Wow.”
He looped one of her curls around his finger and gave her hair an affectionate tug. “Tell Chloe I said hello,” he said, then walked back into the stateroom.
Something caught Josey’s eye, and she turned. Della Lee had suddenly appeared by the railing at the corner of the balcony. She was gazing out at the water.
Della Lee turned her head and looked at Josey. She nodded in the direction Adam had gone and winked.
Josey smiled and quickly moved her laptop aside. She got up and went to the railing beside Della Lee, just to be near her. She missed having her around. She missed talking to her. Della Lee rarely spoke these days. In fact, the last time Josey remembered her saying anything was in Las Vegas. Chloe and Jake had flown in with Adam’s brother to attend Adam and Josey’s wedding ceremony. Josey had met Adam’s brother Brett once before, when they went to Chicago. That’s when she found out Adam owned a house on the North Shore that he rented out. This can be home base, Adam had told her, when we decide we need it. Chloe had just walked down the short aisle ahead of Josey. Josey was about to follow, to walk to Adam at the front of the small chapel, when suddenly she saw Della Lee standing there to her left.
“Congratulations, kid,” she’d said.
Sometimes months would go by without Josey seeing her. But just when Josey would start to worry that she’d gone away for good, Della Lee would always return.
They stood like that for a while, both staring out at the sea. Josey didn’t know how much time had passed before Della Lee turned to Josey, her brows raised, as if she knew what Josey was thinking.
It was time.
“Stay here,” Josey said. “Don’t go yet, okay?”
Della Lee nodded.
Josey went into the stateroom. She could hear the shower water running and Adam was singing Elvis Presley’s “A Little Less Conversation.”
She went to her luggage and dug out her passport wallet. Tucked into a pocket inside was a folded envelope. It was the letter from Samuel Lamar. She took it with her wherever she went, convinced there would be a right time to finally open it and learn the truth.
She walked back out to the balcony and stood by Della Lee at the railing again. She stared at the plain white envelope, at her name written in a hesitant, elderly scrawl. The wind made the paper flutter in her hands. Della Lee watched her curiously.
Josey toyed with the edge of the envelope flap. The glue was weak, so the flap wasn’t secured tightly. It would be easy to open.
Taking a deep breath, Josey tore the envelope in half, then in fourths, then eighths. She tossed the pieces into the wind, where they turned into paper birds that floated through the air, finally landing peacefully on the water.
Della Lee laughed, but no sound came out.
Josey smiled at her, then turned back to the water, satisfied that she’d made the right decision.
When she turned back again, Della Lee was gone.
She would never get used to that.
She went back to her seat and picked up her laptop.
Dear Chloe,
We’re slowly crossing the ocean toward you as I type. How do you know our coming back to Bald Slope for a visit isn’t just a whim? Adam and I are all about whim. (I have to say that, you know. I promised Jake. But I can’t wait to see the ring!)
I don’t understand what’s going on between Mother and Rawley. When I call, Marlena says she’s happy. She says that Rawley actually spends the night there sometimes, too, though no one is supposed to know. Maybe I’ll finally talk to Mother this visit. Or maybe, like last time, she’ll refuse to see me and I’ll just talk to her through the personal secretary I hired for her. I know this has less to do with me personally and more to do with memories she won’t share, memories of my father. But there’s nothing I can do about it.