“Since we were kids.” Her chin lifted. “And he loves me.” Her defiance collapsed like a leaky balloon. “God, it was so hard, loving him and loving you, too. I hated myself, and I hated Hugh for not having the guts to stand up to his family. Helena made it real clear that I wasn’t ‘suitable’ wife material for a Morgan, and Hugh always did what she told him.”
“I wish you’d told me. I never would have married him.”
“I know. I wish I had, too. But I knew you loved Nick, so it never occurred to me that things would get so out of hand. I couldn’t believe it when I found out you’d gotten married.” She glanced at me. “Hugh was the first guy I slept with, and the whole time he was dating you, he’d come to me after he dropped you off.”
I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “Lord, what a mess we were. The whole time I was sneaking around sleeping with Nick, feeling guilty as hell about using Hugh, he was doing the same thing with you.” I put my hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. You’re probably the only innocent in this fiasco.”
“No, don’t.” She shook her head, red curls bouncing. “I’m not innocent. No one twisted my arm and made me keep seeing Hugh. And for a while after you married him, I didn’t. I told him it was over. But then Katie died. He was hurting too, Alix, and you’d simply shut down. When he came to me for comfort, I loved him too much to refuse him.”
“Poor Hugh,” I murmured. “He must have been as miserable as I was. So all those times I thought there were other women, it was always you.”
This time her laugh was bitter. “Oh, there were others. The irony is that he wasn’t doing it to hurt you, he was doing it to hurt me. Every time my conscience started bothering me and I’d tell him not to come back, he’d find someone else to torment me with. And it always worked. After a few weeks he’d show up at my door and tell me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and I’d take him back. It was like being addicted to a drug. I knew I shouldn’t, but I just couldn’t help myself.”
“Well, he’s free now. If you want him, he’s all yours.”
Her grin was wry. “Thanks, but I’m not sure I do want him. I’ve been doing some thinking of my own lately, and I’ve decided that I deserve someone better, someone who loves me enough to tell the whole world about it, and who’s willing to fight for me if that’s what it takes. Maybe I’m the one who’s too good for Hugh. Unless he does a lot of changing and growing up, I’m writing him off as a lost cause.”
We shared a look of understanding before she asked, “What about you and Nick?”
My gaze went back to the river. “It’s over. There is no Nick and me anymore.” The ache that surrounded my heart as I finally put my thoughts into words was nearly unbearable. And I had no one to blame but myself.
“I don’t believe that. He’s crazy about you.”
“Maybe he was, but he’s not now. Not after what I did to him. No one could forgive that. Not in a million years.”
“You told him about Katie?”
I blinked, trying to expel the moisture that gathered in my eyes. “I didn’t just tell him, Jenna. I tore him to shreds with it, very cruelly and deliberately. I wanted to hurt him, and I succeeded beyond anything I could have imagined. He’s never going to speak to me again.”
“You can’t know that.”
“And you didn’t see him. He was destroyed, and it’s my fault. You said he’d stopped working on the house. Since he was building it for me, that should tell you something.”
“I see.” She took a deep breath and gave me a wry smile. “Do you think they have a twelve-step program for men we could both join?”
“Somehow, I don’t think it would work for either of us,” I said miserably.
“You’re probably right. But, you can’t hide here forever. Sooner or later you’ll have to go home.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t go back to the barn, and I refuse to move in with my family like I’m ten years old.”
She thought for a second, her head tilted to one side. “You don’t have to. I’ve got a house you can move into. It’s small, only two bedrooms, but it’s completely furnished and only a couple of blocks from Southern Supply. The owners wanted to sell it, but with the market sluggish like it is, they’re willing to rent it out. All we’d have to do is move your clothes and you could be settled in by nightfall.”
Maybe it was time for some changes. My life sure hadn’t been anything to shout about so far. Abruptly, I made up my mind and stood. “Let me grab my things and leave a note for Uncle Vern.”
I suppose part of me hoped that when Nick discovered I was back, he’d call. It was a small, futile hope, but there nonetheless. I sure couldn’t call him. Not when deep down I figured he’d give a warmer welcome to Beelzebub rising from the flames of hell than he would to me.
Of course, moving into the little house took a bit more effort than Jenna had made it sound like, and first I had to deal with my family.
Everyone was at the farm when we arrived, and listened quietly while I apologized for scaring them, and gave them the news that I was moving. Once again, they tiptoed around me like they had after Katie died.
Afterward, Jenna helped me pack my things into the boxes we’d picked up on our way through town. Not only did I have my clothes, I had all my personal items and dishes to pack. As each box was filled, one of us would carry it out to the Chevy.
Strangely enough, I discovered I didn’t like the car anymore. Like the room in the barn, I had clung to it all these years because it was familiar, because it was a part of Nick I couldn’t let go of, even though I hadn’t realized that’s what I was doing. But for now the Chevy was all I had, so I’d drive it until I could buy a new car.
When the last box was packed, Jenna brushed the hair away from her face, gave me a meaningful glance, and then headed for the door. “I’ll go unlock the house and turn on the air conditioner. See you in a few minutes.” She was giving me time to say goodbye to my old life, and I took it.
Alone, I stood in the middle of the empty room, my gaze moving over the rickety bed, the lumpy old easy chair, and the small window. There was a feeling of abandonment about the room now, an air of infinite sadness. It was almost as though the room knew its usefulness had come to an end, that no one would ever rest within its sturdy walls again.
With tears in my eyes, I went out and closed the door softly behind me. I was halfway through the front part of the barn when my foot hit something, sent it skittering across the floor ahead of me with a tinkle of metal.
A sob caught in my throat, I leaned down and picked up the remnants of the pendant. Clutching it in my fist, I leaned weakly against a stall, tears streaming down my cheeks. “What have I done,” I whispered, my heart breaking into a million pieces. “Oh, God, what have I done?”
#
The next week was odd, unreal. I spent Sunday unpacking and arranging my things in the cozy little house I’d signed the lease on. It had been remodeled recently and had every convenience I could possibly want, including a flower bed off the back porch overflowing with roses in every color imaginable. And yet, for me, who had never had close neighbors before, it was strange being able to hear children playing so near. Traffic was a constant background murmur that kept me awake most of those first nights, even when I was able to sleep.
Monday morning, I had the utilities switched over into my name, and my phone moved. When I got to work, I discovered Aunt Jane there before me. Neither of us said a word, she just continued as though she’d been working at Southern Supply forever. And Jenna had been right. The woman was a marvel of efficiency. For the first time in ages, I found myself with time on my hands.
I spent it wandering through the store, staring at the merchandise as though I’d never seen it before, and chatting with employees I’d barely spoken with since the day I hired them.
Not once during that week did I see or hear from Nick, although I jumped every time the phone rang. Daniel still came to work each afternoon, but I m
ade it a point to keep my distance from him. He looked so much like Nick that it was painful for me. If he found my behavior strange, he didn’t show it.
Thursday morning I took the Chevy to the farm, parked it under the shed, and climbed into Jenna’s Lincoln. We drove to Jonesboro, and when we came back I was driving a brand new, bright red Isuzu Trooper, a vehicle about as unlike the Chevy as I could find.
It was late that evening when my doorbell rang. I wasn’t surprised. Cody had stopped by for a few minutes almost every night. I knew he still felt guilty about leaving me alone at the store that night, even though we were both very careful not to mention the incident again. I think he believed I’d go into screaming fits if he said anything, and being male, he was pretty helpless around crying women, sheriff or not.
I put the last dirty dish in the dishwasher, and went to answer the door. To my surprise, it wasn’t Cody, it was Hugh.
“Hi.”
“Hello.” Puzzled, I simply stood there, frowning.
He shifted his weight from his right foot to his left. “Mind if I come in for a while?”
Well, why not? This entire week had a surreal quality about it. Finding Hugh on my doorstep was just the latest in a long string of weirdness. I pushed the door open and led the way to the kitchen.
“Tea? I just made a fresh pitcher.”
“That would be great.”
I dumped some ice into glasses, poured the tea, and carried it to the table.
Hugh took it, staring at it like he’d never seen tea before. “I guess you’re wondering why I’m here.”
“It did cross my mind.” I took a sip from my glass.
“Would you believe I miss you?”
“Sure you do. Like a plague victim misses the rat that carried the fleas.”
He looked up, smiling. “You weren’t that bad.”
“Well, that’s certainly a load off my mind.”
His smile dimmed. “I really do miss you, Alix. In spite of everything I did to hurt you, I loved you. Part of me always will.”
“Just not the right way,” I said quietly.
“No, not the right way.” His gaze shifted down again. “Being with you was like being married to my sister.”
I reached across the table and took his hand. “Hugh, it wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine. We were too young when we got married, and we did it for all the wrong reasons. It’s a miracle we stayed together as long as we did. And if it’s any consolation, you really weren’t that bad either.”
“Not even in bed?” He laughed at the expression on my face, and I returned his grin.
“Well, lets just say it’s hard to start a fire when all you have to work with are two broken sticks. I don’t think either of us put our heart into the effort.”
“Maybe if we’d tried harder...”
I released his hand and leaned back. “No. It still wouldn’t have worked. We both loved someone else.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“So, how’s it going with Jenna?”
He grimaced. “It’s not. She won’t talk to me anymore. I haven’t seen her since that night at the roadhouse. I wish I knew what she wanted.”
“That’s easy enough,” I said softly. “What she wants is someone who’ll be proud of her, someone who puts her first.”
With a sigh, he lifted a hand to rub his eyes. “I’ve been a real asshole, haven’t I? To you and her both.”
“We’re only human, and we all make mistakes. I’ve made some real dillies so don’t think you’ve cornered the market.”
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?”
“You’ll have to ask her that.”
“What about you?” His gaze met mine. “If it’s not too late, I’d like to have my friend back.”
Tears filled my eyes and I could barely answer him. “You’ve got her.”
We hugged for a long moment before Hugh gave a shaky laugh. “I better get out of here before they reopen the betting pool at the barber shop.”
I released him, took a step back and wiped my eyes. “Who won the first one?”
“Mooney Orr.”
My mouth dropped open. “The slimy little shit who beat me up in fourth grade?”
He grinned. “That would be the one. He said after Nick broke his nose and knocked out two of his teeth defending you, he knew you and I didn’t stand a chance.”
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
When we reached the front door, he paused and looked down at me. “Can I call you some time, just to talk?”
I smiled. “You can call me any time.”
“Thank you.” He dropped a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll see you later.” He was whistling as he went down the sidewalk and I hoped he was on his way to see Jenna. Somehow over the years I’d forgotten what a nice guy Hugh could be.
The next day, Friday, went pretty much like the rest of the week had gone. I drifted through it in a semi-daze, opening new accounts for several customers, doing what little paperwork Aunt Jane left me, and generally feeling useless. I even ordered more of those blasted bird baths just to stay busy.
It was something of a relief when everyone went home that evening, leaving me to gather the receipts and lock up. I piddled for a while, delaying my departure, but there really wasn’t much reason to be there. I thought briefly about taking my Trooper for a long drive, but I wasn’t in the mood for that either.
In the end, I stopped at the store to pick up some groceries and headed home, knowing tonight would be no different than any other this last week. I’d watch some boring show on TV until I could barely hold my eyes open, then go to bed and stare at the dark ceiling for the rest of the night, thinking about Nick.
What I didn’t expect was to find Daniel sitting on my front porch waiting for me.
I parked the Trooper, got out my bags, and was halfway across the yard before I saw him. Suddenly, my heart was lodged in my throat and my pulse was hammering until I could barely breathe. I realized I’d come to an abrupt halt and forced my awkward feet to move forward until I was standing at the bottom of the steps.
“Daniel?”
When he glanced up, he looked as haggard as I’d been feeling.
“Daniel, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Dad.” His throat moved as he swallowed, and fear shot through me.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong!” He sounded so desperate that I closed my eyes for a second against the pain.
“Come inside. We can talk there.”
Taking one of the bags from my arms, he followed me to the kitchen. I gestured toward a chair. “Sit down.”
He slumped onto a chair and I took the one next to him, the groceries forgotten in my worry. “Tell me,” I said quietly.
“I think he’s trying to kill himself.”
“What?” The words hit me like a fist, sent me reeling dizzily, and I knew the blood had drained from my face.
“I don’t mean he’s got a gun or anything like that, but I don’t know what else to call it. He stays locked up in the house all the time, and he won’t let Bowie work on the garage or the house. He won’t eat, or shave, or anything. He just sits there. We’ve tried to talk to him, to find out what’s wrong, but he doesn’t listen and he won’t answer. And I know he’s not sleeping because I hear him walking around at night after he gets home. I’ve never seen him like this before.”
I was shaking so hard it was a miracle I didn’t fall off the chair. “Wait, I thought you said he stays home all the time?”
“During the day he does. But every evening for the last two weeks, he gets up at the same time and leaves. He doesn’t come home until after dark. We didn’t know where he was going until yesterday.”
A feeling of dread swept over me. I didn’t want to ask the next question, but I had to know. “What happened yesterday?”
Daniel looked up, his gray eyes, so much like Nick’s, meeting mine. “I followed him.
He went to that cemetery near the Baptist church. Do you think that’s where his father is buried?”
“Oh, God.” I covered my face with my hands. “No. No, it’s not where his father’s buried.” It was where our daughter was buried.
“Alix, you’ve got to help him. He’s been in love with you forever. We all know it. If anyone can get through to him, it’s you.” His voice dropped to a scared whisper. “If you don’t, he’s going to die. I don’t know what else to do anymore.”
I dropped my hands and did my best to pull my shattered heart back together. “You said he leaves at the same time every evening?”
“Yes. At seven.” Hope lit his eyes. “Does this mean you’ll talk to him?”
I glanced at the clock. It was already six-thirty. “I can’t promise it will do any good, Daniel, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try real hard.”
“Should I wait here?”
“No. I don’t have any idea how long this will take. You might as well go home. I’ll call you later.”
He stood and hugged me tightly, and I prayed he would never find out that his father’s condition was all my fault.
Moving like a robot, I put the groceries away and then went to change out of my business suit. I wanted to give Nick time to get there ahead of me, because I was afraid if he saw me, he’d leave before I had a chance to talk to him. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to get through to him, I only knew I had to find a way. And who better than I? If anyone knew about grief and shutting down your emotions, I was that person. Even if the only reaction I got from him was hatred, it was better than nothing.
I waited until fifteen minutes after seven, then climbed in the Trooper and drove slowly across town, where I parked in the church’s lot. The house Nick had rented wasn’t too far away, and I realized he must have walked the distance. His truck was nowhere to be found.
I saw him immediately. Katie’s grave was near the back of the cemetery, under a big sweet gum tree, not far from where my Grandmother French was buried. And if I hadn’t been expecting him, I’m not sure I would have recognized him.