I said, ‘Child, that gives me great joy. But there’s more. Freeing yourself isn’t enough, you have to wash your guilt away. Don’t wait Amulya, go now—put this money back where it came from. Can you do that, dear brother?’
’With your blessings I can, Didi.’
‘This is not only your success; it is mine too. I am a woman and the way to the world is closed to me, or I would never let you go—I’d go myself. This is the greatest punishment for me, that you are having to pay for my sins.’
‘Don’ t say that, Didi. The path that I took was not your way. It was challenging and so it seemed alluring. Now you have called me to your path—even if this is a thousand times more difficult, I shall win with your blessings; I’m not afraid. So you would like me to return this money where it came from, right?’
‘It’s not what I’d like, child, but what He’d like.’
‘I don’t know all that: it’s enough for me that His wishes have come from your mouth. But Didi, you owe me a meal. ‘I’ll go only after you have fed me. Then I’ll try and finish the work by tonight.’
I tried to smile and my eyes brimmed over; I said, ‘All right.’
The moment Amulya left, my heat sank. I felt I had pushed him into murky waters. Dear God, why do my sins have to be expiated so elaborately, with others’ blood? Wasn’t my own enough? Must you lay the burden on so many shoulders? Oh, why should that poor soul suffer for it? I called him back, ‘Amulya.’ But he had left, ‘Bearer, bearer,’ I called.
‘Yes, Ranima?’
‘Send Amulyababu in.’
Perhaps the bearer wasn’t familiar with Amulya’s name; so a little later he brought in Sandip. He stepped into the room and said, ‘When you sent me away, I knew you’d call me back. The high and the low tide are both caused by the same moon. I was so certain you’d call me that I was waiting right by the door. The minute I saw your bearer I spoke before he could say anything, “Fine, fine, I’m coming right now.” The rustic fool stood openmouthed, certain that I knew magic. Queen Bee, the greatest power in this world is of this mantra. Hypnosis can conquer anything. It works by sound alone, and often even soundlessly. At long last Sandip has met his match in this duel. Your quiver holds many arrows, my dear. In this whole wide world, you are the only one who has been able to turn Sandip away at your will and call him back the same way. So now your prey is here. Now what would you like to do to it—finish it off or keep it caged? But let me warn you, Queen, killing this being is as difficult as holding it captive. So don’t hesitate to use whatever celestial weapons that are within your powers to use.’
Sandip rambled away in this manner only because today he was plagued by a fear of defeat. I believe he was well aware that I had sent for Amulya; the bearer must have given his name. But he cheated and came over himself instead. He didn’t even give me the time to set him right. But now I had glimpsed the weak and the swagger was in vain. Now I wasn’t ready to give up even an inch of my hard-won ground.
I said, ‘Sandipbabu, how can you jabber so much so fast? Do you come prepared?’
Sandip’s face turned crimson with rage. I said, ‘I have heard that raconteurs have a ready stock of long, descriptive paragraphs that they use whenever the occasion arises. Do you also have a notebook full of these?’
Sandip chewed over each word as he spat it out, ‘The Fates have blessed you women with enough graces and then the tailor, the jeweller, are all in league with you; why should we, men, be without our own weapons—’
I said, ‘Sandipbabu, go and look up your notebook—these are not the right words. I have noticed that you get mixed up sometimes. That is the problem of learning by rote.’
Sandip lost his temper and roared in outrage, ‘You! How dare you insult me? Just think how much I know about you. You are—’ He was lost for words. Sandip was a seller of spells and the minute his spells failed, he was left with nothing—from a king he turned into a beggar in an instant. Weak, oh so weak. The more he turned nasty and spoke rudely, my heart danced with joy. He was done with tying me up in his spells; I was free. Oh thank God, thank God. Insult me, abuse me, that is your true form. Don’t raise me on a pedestal—that’s a lie.
At this moment my husband came into the room, Today Sandip didn’t have the strength to control himself, as he did on other days. My husband saw his expression and looked a little surprised. Earlier this would have caused me embarrassment. But today I was glad. I wanted to take a good look at this weakling.
Since we were both silent, my husband sat on the stool after some hesitation. He said, ‘Sandip, I was looking for you and heard that you are here.’
Sandip spoke with extra vigour, ‘Yes, the Queen Bee sent for me early in the day and since I am a mere working bee in the hive, I had to drop everything and rush at her command.’
My husband said, ‘I am leaving for Calcutta tomorrow, you’ll have to come with me.’
Sandip said, ‘But why? Am I your valet?’
‘All right then, you go to Calcutta and I’ll come along as your valet.’
‘I have no work in Calcutta.’
‘Which is why you have to go there—you have too much work here.’
‘I am not budging.’
‘Then you’ll be made to budge.’
‘By force?’
‘Yes, by force.’
‘Fine, I’ll budge. But the world doesn’t consist of two poles—Calcutta and your area. There are other places on the map.’
‘Looking at you one would think there is no other place in the world besides my area.’
Sandip stood up and said, ‘There comes a time for every man when the whole world shrinks into a tiny space. I have perceived my world amidst this living room of yours and that’s why I wasn’t moving. Queen Bee, these people won’t understand what I say and perhaps you wouldn’t either. I worship you and I will continue to do so. Ever since I have seen you, my mantra has changed; no longer Vande Mataram, it’s now Vande Priyam, Vande Mohinim. The mother protects us, the lover destroys—and there is beauty in this destruction. You have raised a storm of tinkling anklets—the death-dance—in my heart. The image of this land of mine used to be ‘komala sujala malayajashitala’; you have changed this in the eyes of your devotee. You have no mercy; you have come, oh temptress, with the cup of poison in your hands; I shall drink that poison, be ripped apart by it and either die or conquer death. The days of the mother are gone. Lover, oh lover—gods, heavens, ethics, Truth: you have turned them to dust. All else are mere shadows, all bonds of control, order all torn away. Lover, oh lover—I can set fire to the rest of the world and dance exultantly on the ashes at the very spot where you have laid your feet. These are good men, they are very good, they want what is good for all—as if it is the Truth. Never, there is no other Truth in the whole world; this is my only Truth. I worship you. My loyalty for you has made me ruthless. My devotion for you has lit the fires of hell within me. I am not good, I am not devout, I do not accept anything in this world—all I accept is the one whom I have perceived tangibly.’
Strange, surprising. A short while ago I had hated him with all my being, What seemed like ashes suddenly blazed into life. This was true fire. Why does God make us such mixed beings? Was it just to show off his magical prowess? A half hour ago I was quite certain that the man I had once taken for a king was nothing but a mere actor in a play. But no—sometimes a true king may lurk in the guise of an actor. He has much lust, much greed and much that is fake, that he hides within layers of flesh; but yet—it’s best to accept that we do not know, we never know the whole truth, not even our own selves. Man is a strange being; only the omnipotent one knew the sublime mysteries that are woven around man. In the process, I am scalded, scarred. Storm. Shiva is the Lord of storms, He is the Lord of joy and he’ll set me free of my ties.
I have been feeling for quite some time now, that I have two minds. One is fully aware of the destructive powers of Sandip; the other finds it ever so sweet. When a ship sinks, it drags
with it all those who were swimming close to it; Sandip was like that deadly ship. Even before fear gripped me, his magic pulled at me—in the blink of an eye it wanted to swallow me whole, drag me away from all light, everything good, the freedom of the sky, the waft of breath, away from a lifetime’s reserves, every day’s little thoughts. He was like the spirit of the dreaded piper, walking the streets with his unholy chants, pulling all the youths of the land to him like a magnet. The mother at the heart of the land wailed aloud. Desecrating her stash of nectar, they drink on sinful liquor. I understand it all, but magic can’t be kept at bay. This was the test of Truth—drunken brazenness danced before the ascetic and said: ‘You are a fool; penance wouldn’t set you free, it’s a long and hard road to travel. The heavens have sent me, I am the temptress, I am the madness, in my embrace you will achieve moksha in an instant.’
After a moment’s pause, Sandip spoke to me again, ‘Goddess, the time has come for me to say goodbye. This is for the best. My purpose for coming to you has been fulfilled. If I overstay, all the good will be undone gradually. If you are greedy and cheapen the greatest thing in this world, it can be disastrous. That which is endless in the space of an instant should not be dragged over time or it will be constrained. We were about to destroy that eternal, and at that point you raised your warning hand, saved your own worship as well as that of your devotee. Today, this parting is the greatest proof of my devotion for you. Goddess, on this day, I too set you free. In my earthen temple your formless form was hardly contained; it threatened to fall apart every moment; I take your leave to worship you in your greater form in the midst of greatness—I shall truly perceive you when I am away from you. Here I got your indulgence, but there I shall have your boon.’
My jewellery box was on the table. I held it out to him and said, ‘I have given these jewels to the country. Please reach these to the feet of the goddess where they belong.’
My husband stood there silently. Sandip left the room.
I was making some sweets for Amulya, when suddenly Mejorani came in: ‘Well hello, little one, are you cooking up a feast for yourself on your own birthday?’
I said, ‘Can’t I be cooking for someone else?’
Mejorani said, ‘Today we will cook for you. I was all set to enter the kitchen when the news all but threw me; apparently some five or six hundred burglars raided one of our treasuries and looted six thousand rupees. Rumours are that they are now headed this way, towards the estate.’
This piece of news set my mind at ease. So it was out money then. I wanted to call Amulya immediately and tell him to return the money to my husband right here and now. Later I would give him my explanations.
Mejorani saw the play of emotions on my face and exclaimed, ‘You surprise me—aren’t you even the least bit scared?’
I said, ‘I can’t believe they’d actually come to loot our home.’
‘And why not? Who could ever imagine they’d actually loot a treasury?’
I didn’t answer her. Instead I bent my head and continued to fill the stuffing into the sweetmeats. She gazed at my face a little longer and finally said, ‘Let me send for Thakurpo—our six thousand rupees must be sent off to Calcutta immediately, without further ado.’
The minute she left, I dropped my shawl on the floor and rushed into the ante-room which had the iron chest. My husband was so absent-minded that his shirt with the keys to the chest still hung on the rack in that room. I took the bunch from the pocket, extracted the keys to the chest and hid it in my clothes.
At this point there were knocks on the door. I said that I was changing. I heard Mejorani say, ‘Just now she was making sweets and now suddenly she’s getting dressed. The things I have to see. I guess they’ll be having one of those Vande Mataram meetings today. Ahoy there, Devi Choudhurani, are you busy gathering the loot?’
Something made me open the iron chest slowly. Perhaps I was wishing the whole thing would be a dream and I’d open the tiny drawer and find the paper wrapped bundles right there. But alas, it was as empty as the trust betrayed by the traitor.
Without any reason, I had to change my clothes, I tied my hair anew. When I ran into Mejorani and she asked why I was so dolled up, I said, ‘Birthday.’
She laughed and said, ‘You need the smallest excuse to go and dress up. I’ve never seen another creature as whimsical as you.’
I was looking for the bearer to go and fetch Amulya, when he came and handed me a piece of paper with a note scribbled in pencil, Amulya had written, ‘Didi, you’d invited me, but I couldn’t wait, I am off to do your bidding first and then I’ll have the meal. I’ll be back by dusk.’
Where had Amulya gone, to what new traps? I could only always shoot him like an arrow, but if I missed my mark, I couldn’t ever bring him back. This was the right moment for me to go and own up my own part in this whole fiasco. But in this world, women survived on trust—it was their whole world. It would be very difficult for me to live in this world after revealing how I had cheated that same trust. I’d have to keep standing on the very thing I’d broken—the jagged pieces would poke and stab me every now and then. It wasn’t difficult to err. But nothing was more difficult than to atone for one’s sins, especially for women.
For a while now, the channels of normal conversation with my husband were closed to me. Hence, I simply couldn’t figure out when and how to suddenly broach such a big issue to him. Today he was late for lunch; it was nearly two o clock. He was so preoccupied that he hardly ate anything. I had lost my right to plead with him to eat some more. I turned away and brushed away the tears.
For a moment I wanted to overcome my hesitation and say to him, ‘Go and rest in the room—you are looking very tired.’ I cleared my throat and was about to say it when the bearer came with the news that the police inspector was here with Quasim Sardar. My husband looked worried as he got up and left.
Soon after he left, Mejorani came and said, ‘Why didn’t you let me know when Thakurpo came to eat? Today he was late and so I went for my bath. But in the meantime—’
‘Why, what’s the matter?’
‘I heard you are all leaving for Calcutta tomorrow? In that case I cannot stay on here. The elder queen won’t leave her idols and deities. But what with all these burglaries I refuse to guard this empty house of yours and keep jumping out of my skin at the slightest sound. Is it fixed for tomorrow?’
I said, ‘Yes.’ I thought to myself: Lord knows what events and intrigues will transpire in this short while between now and then. After all that, whether I go to Calcutta or stay here, it won’t matter to me. Who knows after that what the world would look like, how life would seem. It was all bleary, a dream.
Couldn’t someone drag out, by the day, these few hours that were left before my Fate became a reality? I could use the time to tie up the loose ends. At least I could prepare myself and my world for the forthcoming pain. As long as the seeds of destruction stayed underground, they took so much time that one’s fears can be lulled. But the moment the tiny shoot shot up above the ground, it grew rapidly and it was impossible to cover it with your heart, your life or your soul. I wanted to blank out, lie in a stupor and wait for whatever tumbled on my head. It would all be over before the day after tomorrow—the knowing, the mockery, the tears, questions and answers—all of it.
But Amulya’s face, that innocence that glowed with the light of sacrifice, would not let me rest. He didn’t wait around for his Fate—he rushed into the thick of things. I, unworthy even of womanhood, saluted him. For me he was God in the form of a child; he’d come to take my burden of sins quite playfully on to his own shoulders. How could I possibly tolerate this terrible mercy of God, that Amulya would take the punishment for my sins? Oh my child, I salute you. Oh brother dear, I salute you. You are pure, beautiful, brave, fearless and I salute you. I pray with all my heart that in the next life I have you on my lap as my son.
In the meantime, rumour was rife, policemen swarmed the place and the maids and
servants were anxious. Khema, the maid, came to me and said, ‘Chhotoranima, please put my gold chain and armlet away in your iron chest.’ How could I tell her that it was I who had kicked up this storm of anxiety in the entire household and was now stuck in its eye? Like a good little mistress I had to take Khema’s jewellery, Thako’s savings. Our milkman’s wife left a Benarasi sari and some other precious valuables with me in a tin box. She said, ‘Ranima, this sari was given to me on your wedding.’
Tomorrow, when the iron chest will be opened, this Khema, Thako, milkman’s wife—anyway, what’s the point of dwelling on that? Instead let me think that a year has passed after tomorrow, another 3 January was here—would the sores and wounds of my family still be as raw?
Amulya had written that he’d be back by tonight. Meanwhile, I could hardly sit alone in my room, doing nothing. So I went to make sweets again. What I had made earlier was actually enough, but I made some more. Who would eat all this? I’ll feed all the maids and servants in the house. I must do that tonight. My days were numbered. Tomorrow was no longer in my hands.
One after another I made the sweets, tirelessly. Every now and then I felt there was some commotion in the general direction of my rooms. Perhaps my husband had come to open the iron chest and found the keys missing. So Mejorani was summoning all the maids and raising hell over it. No, I wouldn’t hear it, I’d keep the door firmly closed. I was about to shut the door when I saw Thako rushing towards me. Out of breath, she panted, ‘Chhotoranima—’